


nobody knows where we might end up

by holtzmanns



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, also they dated in undergrad, but that's neither here nor there, in which brooke is a neurosurgeon and vanessa is a cardiothoracic surgeon and they're both a handful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2020-08-18 19:53:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 80,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20197216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzmanns/pseuds/holtzmanns
Summary: Brooke makes eye contact with Vanessa - no, Dr. Mateo - and has to resist the strange urge in her chest that wants her to bolt for the nearest door and leave the fucking hospital. Blood is rushing in her ears and it’s a bit harder to breathe and she’sprettysure that her lungs should be at full capacity. So why does she feel like she’s about to keel over?“Oh, we’ve definitely met.” Dr. Mateo’s voice is wry, her eyes narrowing in Brooke’s direction.Fuck. She’s Dr. Hytes, for Pete’s sake. Neurosurgerygod. She’s not going to be intimidated by a cardiothoracic surgeon, of all people, no matter their past… history.Hospital AU.





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> I've had some free time recently and surprise surprise, started another multichap fic. Special thanks to writ for listening to me ramble about this idea, helping me brainstorm, and betaing (as well as providing hilarious commentary). Also thanks to multifandomgeek for being totally understanding of me having a WIP with a similar prompt to their latest fic even though they've both turned out so different, as well as for being a great cheerleader of mine and having the cutest headcanons for it. Enjoy!

(then)

“Welcome to Human Physiology One.” The professor’s voice is sharp as he surveys the packed lecture hall with a beady gaze. 

Brooke unconsciously straightens in her seat. Her fingers drum against her desk, a mixture of nervous energy and excitement alike. 

She’s made it to the University of Toronto for Health Sciences at the undergraduate level, which means she’s one step closer to getting into U of T’s prestigious medical school a few years down the line. She’s already secured shadowing and volunteer jobs in most of the hospitals located along Hospital Row, because, well, she has to. 

How else is she going to become a surgeon?

The professor continues on. “This course is going to cover all of the major bodily systems - circulatory, neurological, urological, immune systems, and more at the basic level. Enough to give you a general understanding of how they work.”

He fixes them with a beady gaze. “Make no mistake, though. The introductory nature of this class doesn’t mean that it’ll be easy like the rest of your 100 level courses. If you are expecting such, feel free to leave through the doors now.”

No one does. 

“Very well.” The professor pulls up a PowerPoint. “You can read the syllabus on your own time. We’re starting on neuro.” 

“Sorry, excuse me, sorry-” Brooke looks over to see her row being disrupted as a girl in an oversized jacket that brushes her thighs shuffles in towards the only empty seat left in the lecture hall. The one beside Brooke. 

Brooke feels a flash of irritation. Who’s late on the first damn day? 

The girl settles in, dropping her messenger bag and pulling out her laptop. She flashes a smile at Brooke, one that falters when Brooke doesn’t immediately return it. 

Brooke turns away from the girl, turning her attention back to the lecture. Her hands fly over her keyboard, writing down everything that is coming out of the professor’s mouth because what if something he mentions now ends up being _ really _important and shows up on the final exam? She doesn’t want to miss anything. 

Except for the fact that the girl’s leg is bouncing up and down beside her. 

Brooke’s trying to write a note about synapses and neural clefts, but the girl is twitching so much, leg bouncing on her seat, that she finds focusing on the professor’s voice practically impossible. The edge of the girl’s shirt-dress is rising higher and higher over her thighs, revealing more and more of her fishnet tights underneath-

Nope. Brooke’s gotta focus. She’s missed at least two things that the professor’s said already and it’s only the first lecture. She can’t start off like this. 

Brooke keeps typing, albeit a bit slower because the girl’s bouncing leg is _ incredibly _distracting and god fucking damn it, why can’t people just sit still in class?

But then the girl raises her hand, leaning forward in her seat and Brooke realizes that she’s missed the question that the professor has asked the class. Shit.

“Yes, you.”

“In an action potential, sodium ions rush into the axon and de-dep-depolarize it.” The girl rattles off the information like she’s fucking Hermione Granger or something, though a little less refined. 

“Exactly.” The professor looks pleased. Damn it. “And your name is?” 

“Vanessa.” The girl, _ Vanessa_, looks satisfied with herself, leaning back in her seat and returning her attention to her laptop. 

Bouncing her fucking leg once more, because of course she is. But Brooke’s not going to be distracted by her again. She’s going to get the next question, because that’s what she does. 

Her hand shoots up before the professor even finishes speaking. 

“Yes?”

“Acetylcholine is the neurotransmitter that is necessary to complete the reaction.” Brooke rattles off the information that’s thankfully familiar to her from grade twelve biology with ease. 

“Very good.” Brooke feels an air of pride rush through her at the professor’s words. “Name?”

“Brooke.” Not a bad idea to make herself familiar with the professors in all of her classes from week one. Put herself on their radars. 

“Excellent, Brooke.” The professor turns back to his lecture slides then, oblivious to the rush of adrenaline that’s currently going through Brooke’s system. 

She’s pathetic sometimes, she really is. But hey, if it gets her the good marks that she’s going to need in the future, does it even matter?

Vanessa answers question after question and asks ones of her own that make Brooke stop and think along with the professor. Brooke has to admit to herself, albeit bregrudgingly, that Vanessa is smart. _ Really _smart. It’s undeniable, from the way her hand pops up every five minutes. 

Brooke may or may not be feeling a little threatened, intimidated by the girl beside her - how’d Vanessa get so smart? And why hasn’t Brooke thought of the questions she’s asking, like the one about hyperpolarization?

Brooke shoots another look at Vanessa from behind her hair, hoping that she isn’t too obvious. In her earlier annoyance, she’s missed how pretty the girl is. Vanessa runs a hand through her hair, pushing the dark waves out of her face and leaning forward to type notes with her other hand. 

“Brooke?” 

“Huh?” _ Fuck. _ She’s completely missed the professor’s question. Of course. Typical of her to do something so stupid on the first day. 

Brooke starts to rack her brain for a generic answer based on the lecture slide when Vanessa nudges her. “Graded potentials. That’s the answer. Say it.”

Well. She has nothing to lose at this point, does she?

“Graded potentials?” Brooke says it loud enough for the professor to hear, though she almost doesn’t hear her voice herself from how loud her heart feels like it’s beating. 

“Good.” He continues on without a second look at their row, and Brooke lets out a sigh of relief. 

Vanessa truly, utterly saving her ass isn’t what she expected, but she’ll take what she can get. “Jeez. Thank you so much.”

“It’s no big.” Vanessa’s smiling at her again, one that reaches her eyes and makes them crinkle and on an unrelated note, Brooke feels her stomach flipping with what must be indigestion. “Brooke, right?”

“Yeah.” She whispers it because the professor is still talking, after all. “Vanessa?” 

“That’s me. My friends call me Vanjie, though.” 

Brooke wrinkles her nose. “How’d you get that nickname from the name Vanessa?” 

“I didn’t.” Vanessa winks at her but then turns back to the front, lifting up a hand to answer a question before Brooke can protest. 

How did she even catch the question that the professor asked in the first place? 

Brooke tries her best to go back to paying attention, but it’s hard when Vanessa is beside her and some of her long hair is on Brooke’s desk, looking _ really _soft. Brooke has to resist touching it - she’s not a creep. 

Brooke’s notes during the rest of the lecture are most definitely not up to her usual standards, though she only has herself to blame for it. She’ll do better next time. She has to. 

Though if Vanessa’s beside her again, she may have a problem. Not that she’s all too mad about it anymore. 

Vanessa’s out of her seat the second that the professor wraps up, pulling on her oversized jacket on top of her shirt dress. She sticks her laptop into her messenger bag before turning towards Brooke, who definitely has _ not _been watching Vanessa the entire time. Nope. Absolutely not. 

“So, you this keen in all of your classes?” Vanessa has a smile on her face as she says it. 

“I’m not a nerd.” Brooke’s protests are feeble because she kind of is - not that she wants to admit it. 

“Didn’t say you were. It’s kinda cute, though.” With that Vanessa winks, pulling her bag onto her shoulder and heading towards the aisle to leave the lecture hall. 

“This time next week?” Vanessa shouts it at her from the aisle as she leaves, and for some reason it makes Brooke flush crimson. 

The lecture hall is almost empty before she realizes that she has to pack up her own books and leave, too. 

* * *

(now)

“The resection is scheduled for tomorrow at 2 PM. Bar any information that we’ve possibly missed in our review just now - which is highly unlikely - the surgery should be successful, leaving Mrs. Reynolds tumour-free in no time at all.” 

No members of the surgery team, not the nurses, the anesthesiologist, nor any technicians question Brooke’s words. Just how she likes it. 

No one mentions that the success rate for this particular pituitary gland tumour removal is less than 10%. Because with Brooke, odds like these don’t matter. 

She’s that good. 

Brooke wraps up the preoperative meeting with a wave of her hand, letting the members of her surgical team leave to return to their respective duties. 

She checks her watch. She has a craniotomy scheduled to take place in half an hour, then a consult with a particularly complex patient and the team at 3, then some time allotted for her research. A pretty breezy day by her standards. 

Brooke heads in the direction of the hospital Starbucks next, intent on gulping down a double espresso before her next operation. Can’t be opening up a patient’s skull uncaffeinated and tired. 

“Dr. Hytes!” Brooke’s head snaps up at her name while she’s waiting for her drink order to be ready. No one is usually bold enough to call for her like that except for-

“Dr. West.” Nina West, Chief of Hospital and pediatric attending surgeon, not to mention Brooke’s fellow alumni from medical school. 

“I was hoping I’d catch you. Got some pretty exciting news.” Nina’s eyes are practically sparkling. 

Brooke takes a sip of her drink. “The only thing that could explain that smile is if we’ve finally hired a worthy-”

“We finally have a new cardiothoracic surgery head!” Nina’s excitement radiates off of her in waves. Sometimes, she reminds Brooke of a Disney character. “Someone who is _ actually _renowned and has appropriate qualifications and who I had to fight off St. Joe’s Hospital for. But we got her!”

“Must be someone pretty incredible to get you this excited.” Brooke is curious as to who could have gotten Nina this riled up. Brooke had declined a spot on the selection committee a few months prior, busy at the time with one of her research trials. She hasn’t heard any gossip on the floors as to who the chosen candidate could be. Not that Nina will be able to hold it back for much longer. 

“I’m supposed to give her a tour of the cardio floors and the team today. She’s just moved back to Toronto, so she’s starting next week. In fact, she should be in the atrium here any moment now.” Nina cranes her neck, trying to look around the space. 

“You still haven’t told me who-”

Brooke is cut off when Nina calls out, looking past Brooke towards someone behind her. “Dr. Mateo! So nice to see you again!”

Mateo?

No. Couldn’t be. 

“Wonderful to see you too, Dr. West.”

There’s no mistaking that voice. 

Fuck_ . _ She’s screwed. 

“Have you met Dr. Hytes? Pride of our neurosurgery department. A bit separate from your cardiothoracic surgery expertise, but maybe you two have run into each other sometime at a conference before?” Nina’s grabbing Brooke’s shoulders, turning her around to face _ her _ and Brooke winces, squeezes her eyes shuts because no, no, _ no. _

Except when she opens her eyes, there she is. In the flesh. Nearly eleven years later. 

She has the same wavy long hair but has swapped her undergraduate outfits for a pencil skirt and blazer and immaculate makeup and fuck. 

She looks good. 

Brooke makes eye contact with Vanessa - no, Dr. Mateo - and has to resist the strange urge in her chest that wants her to bolt for the nearest door and leave the fucking hospital. Blood is rushing in her ears and it’s a bit harder to breathe and she’s _ pretty _sure that her lungs should be at full capacity. So why does she feel like she’s about to keel over? 

“Oh, we’ve definitely met.” Dr. Mateo’s voice is wry, her eyes narrowing in Brooke’s direction. 

Fuck. She’s Dr. Hytes, for Pete’s sake. Neurosurgery _ god. _She’s not going to be intimidated by a cardiothoracic surgeon, of all people, no matter their past… history. 

It doesn’t matter. Brooke’s a professional. She’s the _ shit. _Everyone in this hospital knows it. 

So she puts on her best neutral facial expression, walks up to Dr. Mateo. Towers over her, naturally (like she always used to, not that it matters). Raises an eyebrow. 

Dr. Mateo stares right back. Still makes Brooke’s heart flip in the same way. 

Nah, probably just some acid reflux. She needs a Tums. 

“Nice to see you again.” Brooke says it with a tone that implies that it most definitely is _ not _nice to see her again, no ma’am. 

Not that it’ll matter. They’re completely different disciplines. Who’s to say that they’ll even interact?

“I could say the same.” Dr. Mateo’s tone, meanwhile, implies that she most definitely _ cannot _say the same. But considering how things ended, who can blame her?

Brooke chances a glance at Nina, who looks really fucking confused, her nose wrinkling. It makes Brooke want to laugh. Oh, Nina. Not quite privy to this part of Brooke’s history. 

Who needs to know? It had happened a decade ago. She’s moved on, she’s a professional. They’re both professionals. They can act like it.

Right?

Brooke takes a final sip of her drink, turning away to toss the cup into the trash. She fixes both of them with a blank stare, lips pursed. 

“Need to leave now or I’m going to be late for my 1:00. Shame.” As if Brooke isn’t absolutely itching to remove herself from the conversation, get as far away from her as possible because fuck, she really should have joined the selection committee and vetoed Dr. Mateo from the list of candidates. 

“See you around the hospital, Dr. Mateo.” Brooke turns on her heel, walking away before Dr. Mateo even has a chance to answer. 

Power or cowardly move? She can’t decide. But she needs the distance, needs to get away from Dr. Mateo and the memories that are rushing back to her, ones that she had locked away in the recesses of her brain because they were too much to deal with. 

Brooke only lets out a breath and drops her head into her hands once she’s in a mercifully empty elevator. The closing doors feel a world away from Nina’s confused stare and Dr. Mateo’s disdainful look, neither of which she wants to deal with again anytime soon. 

She’s interacted with exes before, remaining friends with quite a few of them, but something about Dr. Mateo makes her feel like she’s a time bomb, about to explode any second from the rush of memories and useless emotions that she doesn’t care for at all, at this moment. 

Brooke needs to go to pre-op, get ready to scrub in and find her team, but her brain is finding it hard to focus on her plan for the upcoming surgery because Jesus Christ. 

She’s fucked. 


	2. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Then why,” Nina punctuates it with a click of her pen, “have you been so on edge since finding out that it was her?”
> 
> Brooke scoffs. “What are you talking about?” She’s not that obvious. She’s professional. Dr. Mateo doesn’t affect her that much. 
> 
> “You practically ran away from the conversation when I introduced her to you-”
> 
> “I did not-”
> 
> “And now you’re sitting here like you’ve been personally wronged. If you were anyone else, I’d tell you to get the hell out of my office and respect my hiring decisions. But it’s you, and you’re my friend, and I care about you, so you need to start talking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, chapter two! Some bonding outside of class in the past and a pissed off Brooke in the present. Thank you writ for being an amazing human and helping me talk through ideas, roasting my writing, and being a great beta.

(then)

“C’mon, B. You’ve barely come out with me at all since orientation week.” Brooke’s roommate flops down on her bed, fixing her with a quivering pout that’s dramatic enough to win an Academy Award. 

“I gotta study, Detox, it’s already week three and midterms start-”

_ “Fuck _midterms.” Detox’s statement is punctuated by a hand in the air. “Uni’s not for studying-”

“Yes it is-”

“-Uni is not _ only _for studying. You’re gonna regret it years from now if you spend it locked away in a dorm room preparing for midterms that are still weeks away.” Detox flips over onto her stomach. “Come study the different types of shitty mixed drinks that we can make instead.” 

Brooke bites her lip. She’s always had a plan - get into uni, study her ass off, get experience in the field, and ace the MCAT all so that she can be accepted into med school. A worthy four year plan. She’s vowed to herself not to get distracted, not to get pulled away from it. Not if she wants to get into med school on the first try. 

Detox sees the torment on her face and lets out a sigh. “It’s one night, B. It’s not even a party. Just some people on our floor gathering in 718 to get to know each other more and chill.” 

“Promise we won’t stay too long?” Maybe she can go for an hour or so, max. She can spare that much time. 

“Oh Jesus, yes fine, we won’t stay too long. We can come home for your nonexistent curfew so that we don’t make your mom who lives hundreds of miles away mad at you.” Detox extends a hand, tugs Brooke up into a standing position. 

“She lives in Etobicoke, actually, not too far from-”

“Irrelevant. Now c’mon, put on something a little sluttier than that high school marching band t-shirt you’re wearing. Not exactly gonna get yourself a man in that.” Detox starts rifling through her own clothes, pulling out a crop top and holding it out for Brooke. 

“Who’s to say I even want a man in the first place?” Not that she’s even come out to Detox just yet. Better to test the waters with her first. 

“Whatever. Get changed. It’ll be fun.” 

* * *

It’s only kind of fun. 

Detox finds other people to talk to as soon as they step through the door, leaving Brooke to her own devices. She makes small talk with a girl who calls her ‘stunning’, which is flattering, really, before she realizes that the girl uses ‘stunning’ as an adjective for pretty much everything. 

“This cider? Stunning!” 

Case in point. 

Brooke nurses her own drink, noticing with a wrinkle of her nose that it’s emptying faster than she’s planned. She’s only brought one, not intending to even get tipsy - she still has another lecture to get through tonight if she wants to stay on top of her study schedule. 

She runs a hand through her hair when the girl leaves to grab a snack, wishing that she’d just stayed in her room. It’s hard. Having to socialize is _ hard. _Uncomfortable. She almost misses home, misses her ballet friends and how easy things were when they had common ground to bond over. 

But she’s left dance behind with high school, not following the path of her friends who want a ballet career. Her body is tired, worn. Her mind has better uses. 

Maybe she should just go home and study. 

“Brooke!” 

Brooke’s head snaps up at the mention of her name, a voice yelling who is most definitely not Detox but-

“Vanessa?” 

She’s here. Grinning with a smile that lights up her face, her hair in a high bun with pieces falling in front of her face that she goes to tuck behind her ear. 

She’s adorable. 

Vanessa maneuvers between the people sitting on the floor to come sit beside her. She’s in another shirt-dress, one with Led Zeppelin’s logo on it. 

Brooke points to it. “Didn’t know you liked Zeppelin.”

“Who?” Vanessa looks down at her shirt. “Eh, I don’t. Stole it from my brother’s closet when I was last home.” 

Brooke can’t help the giggle that escapes her lips, sounding quite similar to the girls that sit outside the Athletic Centre and watch the guys’ football team practice while hoping to catch their attention.

Nauseating. She’s better than this. She has game. 

But then Vanessa nudges her, grabs her can of cider to look at it _ (‘I’ve never tried this one before’) _and Brooke realizes from the way that her breath catches that no, she really doesn’t. 

“Try it, see if you like it.” The comment slips out before Brooke can stop herself.

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?” 

Her sip leaves a deep red lipstick print on the edge of the can, one that Brooke can’t help but stare at when Vanessa passes it back. 

“You’re right, that shit is good. On second thought, I want another sip.” Vanessa reaches across to grab her can. 

Brooke lifts it higher, out of Vanessa’s reach, can’t help but grin when Vanessa pouts up at her. “How about we trade?” 

Vanessa practically thrusts her own can in Brooke’s direction. “Take it, I’m tired of this hard lemonade. It’s not even good.” 

Vanessa takes another sip from Brooke’s drink, running a hand through her hair. Her leg is bouncing in place again, but somehow it’s less annoying than it is in class. “Question. What were you doing here alone, looking all sad and shit when I came in?” 

“I wasn’t sad_ . _ ” Brooke’s voice is defensive. She _ wasn’t. _

“Yeah you were.” Vanessa’s eyes are twinkling, making Brooke see that she’s just playing around. “Pouting and everything by yourself like a sad kitty.” 

“You’re making me feel _ real _cool.” Vanessa cracks up at Brooke’s wry statement, her laugh reverberating in the small room and it’s so cute that it makes Brooke crack a smile too. 

“Nah. I just...my roommate dragged me here. Wasn’t really in the mood today.” Brooke shrugs at her. 

“Are you ever?” Vanessa can’t keep a straight face before nudging Brooke. “Kidding, kidding. I’ve just never seen you at one of these floor hangouts before.”

Brooke can feel the blush rising on her face. So maybe she’s a bit of a hermit in her room. Who needs to hang out with others all of the time? But at the same time…Vanessa _ noticed_.

“You were looking for me, huh?” It’s her turn to tease, and it feels great to turn the tables when Vanessa is the one flushing crimson. 

“No! Okay...maybe. It’s just kinda nice seeing you outside of class. Where we can actually talk and shit, not with Professor What’s His Nuts droning on and on and on.” 

Brooke can’t help but clap a hand over her mouth, looking around as if the man is going to actually materialize out of thin air or something. “Professor _ Who?” _

“I said what I said.” Vanessa takes another swig of Brooke’s drink. “I can never pronounce his actual name, it’s too damn long.” 

Brooke snorts. “And yet you can pronounce things like ‘ventricular tachycardia’ just fine in class.” 

Vanessa shrugs. “Priorities, bitch. I practice. Speaking of which, I’m fucking glad we moved onto cardio from neuro. Neuro was boring.”

“It is _ not.” _Brooke has to stop her mouth from dropping open at Vanessa’s statement. “Neuro is so fun! Learning about how the brain sends messages and the different cranial nerves and-”

“Zzzzz.” Vanessa pretends to snore. “Already asleep.” 

Brooke gapes at her. “How can you hate neuro? Cardio is so confusing, with all of the different nodes and phases. I still haven’t fully gotten it, I need to go back and study it again before the midterm comes up.” 

“Is that why I barely see you around? Cause you’re studying all the damn time?” 

“No!” Brooke makes a face Vanessa gives her a pointed look. “Maybe?” 

“You need to loosen up a little.” Vanessa stands up then and faces her. Sticks a hand out. “Lemme show you how.”

“I don’t really want to drink that much tonight.” Her protest is cut off, however, when Vanessa winks at her and makes the words that are resting on the tip of her tongue disappear. 

“When did I say there was gonna be more alcohol? Come on.” 

Brooke relents, letting Vanessa pull her into a standing position and drag her to another corner of the room. The music is louder, people dancing and laughing and then so is Vanessa, singing along to lyrics that Brooke doesn’t know and grabbing her hands, trying to make her move too.

Vanessa giggles at the way Brooke is frozen in her spot, stiff despite the music. “C’mon, you. Why you looking like a baby giraffe trying to learn how to walk for the first time?” 

“I don’t dance. Not like this, anyway.” She’s a ballet dancer. She doesn’t know how to do this kind of dancing, one where she doesn’t have to drill the steps into her head a million times first. 

“Sure you do.” Vanessa’s smile is a bit too mischievous and _ oh _, that’s why, because she puts her hands on Brooke’s hips. Brooke’s heart does approximately twenty-five flips, because does Vanessa even know what she’s doing to her?

“Try and sway a little.” Vanessa moves her hands, bringing Brooke’s hips with them. “There you go.”

“I look like one of those inflatable balloons outside of used car dealerships.” Brooke feels her heart glow in her chest when it makes Vanessa crack up. 

“Shut up, you don’t.” Vanessa says it with a smile that makes her eyes sparkle and hey, even though Brooke may be looking a bit stupid, does it even matter when she can make Vanessa’s face do that? 

Vanessa lifts her hands from her hips, the loss of contact tugging on Brooke’s chest more than it should. But then Vanessa grabs both of her hands, intertwines their fingers and jeez. Brooke feels like she’s had more alcohol than she actually has, because she feels so light and happy and Vanessa is singing along again, and hey, maybe dancing like this isn’t so hard. 

Brooke can’t keep the smile off of her face when she stumbles back down the hall to her room hours later. She’s a little sweaty and tired and definitely in need of a shower but her heart feels like it’s shimmying to its own rhythm, one curated by Vanessa and the way she had danced around her. 

Brooke tosses Detox’s crop top back onto her bed, her roommate still not back, probably not returning until the morning. 

Vanessa’s fun. Real fun outside of class, when they’re not taking turns asking and answering questions and annoying the fuck out of everyone else present in the lecture hall. 

Maybe falling a tiny bit behind on her study schedule is okay. She’ll just work extra hard tomorrow. 

She thinks of the way that Vanessa had held her hands, twirled her around while going on her tiptoes (_‘Why are you so tall, what are you, a skyscraper?’) _. Perhaps she’ll need to alter her schedule to allow for such extracurricular activities, because she’s made up her mind. 

She absolutely needs to hang out with Vanessa outside of class again. 

* * *

(now)

Brooke exits out of the Word document open on her office computer with a frustrated growl. The words aren’t coming to her no matter how hard she fucking tries and it’s annoying, this never happens, _ shouldn’t _happen because this research trial is her baby and she should be able to describe her findings in words. 

Except that the words seem to be gone. 

She rubs at her temples, trying to work away the tension headache that has started to blossom. The day has felt longer than usual. Her craniotomy had complications with bleeding that needed to be dealt with, making the surgery go for an hour longer than necessary. The patient that she had a consult with had to be intubated after a code blue. Now her research is just…not working. 

Brooke hasn’t felt this off-kilter in a while. Things just changed after she saw...her. 

Fucking Dr. Mateo. Throwing Brooke off of her rhythm. 

Brooke stands up, shutting off her office computer. She needs a break from her work, anyway. 

Her feet lead her to Nina’s office before she even realizes where she’s walking. Nina’s on the phone when Brooke lets herself in, holding up a hand until she hangs up. Brooke flops down on a chair, crossing her arms. 

Nina raises an eyebrow at her when she puts the phone down. “Hello to you, too.” 

Brooke leans forward in her chair. “You didn’t tell me that the new hire was Vanessa Mateo.” 

“You never asked.” Nina’s forehead wrinkles. “Wait, is there something professionally that I’m missing? Her references were absolutely gushing about her.”

Brooke pauses. “Well…no. I don’t know much about her as a surgeon.” 

“Then why_,” _Nina punctuates it with a click of her pen, “have you been so on edge since finding out that it was her?”

Brooke scoffs. “What are you talking about?” She’s not _ that _obvious. She’s professional. Dr. Mateo doesn’t affect her that much. 

“You practically ran away from the conversation when I introduced her to you-”

“I did _ not-” _

“And now you’re sitting here like you’ve been personally wronged. If you were anyone else, I’d tell you to get the hell out of my office and respect my hiring decisions. But it’s you, and you’re my friend, and I care about you, so you need to start talking.” Nina fixes her with a look. 

Brooke deflates in her seat. “It’s…it’s not work related. It doesn’t matter. I can work with her.”

So she doesn’t want to talk about it. Sue her. Why bring up a relationship that ended so many years ago? 

She can be professional. She can avoid Dr. Mateo, if necessary. They head completely different units, for crying out loud. Who’s to say that they’ll even run into each other at all?

Nina sighs. “Brooke-”

She’s up from her chair. “Doesn’t matter. Don’t worry about it.”

Brooke shouldn’t be a child about it, anyway. She can just stay away from her. 

“I gotta get back to work.” She’s at the door, ignoring Nina’s disapproving look.

“If you now think that I’m absolutely not going to get this out of you, you’re wrong.” Nina clicks her pen in her direction again. “We’re gonna talk about this sometime. As well as your penchance for avoidance.”

Brooke waves a hand. “Yeah, yeah. Love you too, West.” 

She’s out of the office before Nina can say anything else. 

* * *

“That’s it, come on baby.” Brooke mutters the empty words into the ear of the...nurse? Radiation technician? _ Whoever _she’s fucking on this bunk in the on call room. The woman’s moans sound fake, and would annoy Brooke if she couldn’t currently feel the way that she’s shuddering underneath her. 

Brooke extricates herself as soon as the woman comes, wiping her hand on her pants. It doesn’t matter. She’ll change into a different pair of scrubs before her next surgery, anyway. 

The woman is still lying on the bunk, dazed expression on her face as she giggles. “Wow, Dr. Hytes.” 

Brooke pulls her lab coat back on, letting out a noncommittal hum in response. She grabs the woman’s scrubs from the floor, tosses them to her. “Shouldn’t you be getting back to work, too?” 

“Uh, yeah. I will.” The woman’s still looking a bit out of it as she pulls her shirt back over her head. “Can we do that again sometime?” 

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.” Brooke leaves with that, shutting the door behind her. 

She’s used to letting off steam like this, pulling one of the women on the floor that fawn over her into the on call room for a little break. Though this time, it hasn’t been as stress relieving as it usually is. The tension in her shoulders is still there, the headache that has hovered for the last few days behind her eyes still present. 

Brooke lets out an annoyed huff as she passes the cardiovascular ICU because she knows exactly why she’s still felt so off, no matter how much she wants to pretend that she hasn’t. 

She hasn’t seen Dr. Mateo since she started working at the hospital at the beginning of the week, but reminders of the woman are everywhere. Avoidance hasn’t helped when the gossip on the various units is so loud, so carrying, everyone gushing about Dr. Mateo’s surgical techniques and daring nature and how fucking _ friendly _she is. 

Brooke doesn’t care. She doesn’t. But why has Dr. Mateo felt the need to come here, of all places? 

She’s ruminating as she power-walks to the Stroke unit, intent on distracting herself with checking up on some of the patients that she’s operated on during the week. Her mind is running as she flips through the files in her hands as she walks, barely noticing the woman heading in her direction-

“Shit! Shit, sorry-”

The woman’s apology cuts off and it makes Brooke look up and _ oh. _

“Dr. Hytes.”

“Dr. Mateo.”

Of fucking course. 

Dr. Mateo’s in her scrubs now too, dark blue ones matching Brooke’s because she’s also an attending surgeon. Brooke clenches her jaw. Her luck, really. She doesn’t want to deal with her. Even if she still looks fucking good. 

Not that the fact is relevant whatsoever. Doesn’t matter in the least. She needs to go back to work. 

“Excuse me.” Brooke shoves past her, and if the files in her hands knock against Dr. Mateo’s shoulders it’s absolutely not her fault. Not at all. 

“Not even the end of my first week and you’re already pushing me out of the way. Don’t let me keep you waiting from whatever important shit you’ve clearly got going on.” Dr. Mateo’s tone is biting, and it makes Brooke’s eyes narrow. 

“More important than whatever it is that you’re doing here.” With that, she stalks down the hallway without looking back because she’s mature, real mature. 

She’s fuming when she reaches the Stroke unit, an emotion that is only exacerbated when she overhears nurses talking about _ “that new cardio surgeon, I heard she’s crazy good,” _making her slam her files down on the nursing desk with more force than necessary. 

Clearly avoiding Vanessa isn’t going to be enough, not when she’s the talk of the hospital. Focusing on her work is going to be more difficult than she thought.


	3. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Great. It’s a date, then. Well, not a date. A study date. Studying time. You know what I mean.” Vanessa claps a hand over her mouth before she can say anything worse. “Ugh.” 
> 
> Brooke giggles, reaching up to bring Vanessa’s hand down from her face, and Vanessa prays to the Lord that she doesn’t see the blush rising on her cheeks. “I got it. Don’t worry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely response to this fic! I appreciate it so much. Writ is the best for being both a wonderful beta and roaster and this story would Not exist without them.

(then)

“Yes Mama, I’m eating well.” Vanessa rolls her eyes when her mom replies on the other end of the phone in rapid fire Spanish. “No, I’m not just eating pasta, I promise.” 

_ “I don’t want you to waste away, mija. You need a vegetable every now and then.” _Vanessa can almost picture her mom on the other end, phone on speaker as she drives to work. 

“I eat vegetables! Sometimes.” She’s trying to, at least. Learning to cook in a small residence suite kitchen is hard. She should have gotten a meal plan, but past her had thought that making her own meals would be a more fun experience. 

Past her hadn’t been the smartest.

_ “Fucking idiot, trying to cut into my lane - what did you say, Vanessa?” _It makes Vanessa snort. Her mom had been the one to teach her to drive, which more than explains her own trash talking when she’s behind the wheel. 

“I’ll leave you to drive, Mama, the lecture is starting soon anyway. Be safe.” She hangs up as her mom yells at her to come visit for Thanksgiving. 

Vanessa looks around at the students trickling into the lecture hall, eyes peeled for a certain blonde in particular. Her bag rests on the seat beside her, saving it for Brooke. 

The floor hangout had been fun. Real fun. She’s never seen Brooke loosen up, their times during lecture spent focusing on the course material. But making her smile, twirling her as she danced - Vanessa wants to make Brooke that happy again. 

Brooke looks tired when she falls into the seat beside Vanessa, moving her bag. Vanessa reaches out to fix the collar of Brooke’s shirt, which is sticking up on one side, and doesn’t miss the way that her cheeks turn pink. 

“What’s wrong, B?” 

“Nothing, I just…” Brooke fiddles with her laptop case, biting her lip, “I still don’t fully understand the last lecture, and was trying to go over it again before class because we’re starting new things, and if I don’t get that then what if I don’t understand what he teaches today-”

“Okay, slow down.” Vanessa holds up a hand, making Brooke stop her rambling and take in a breath. “How about we go over it together? You have any free time after class today?” 

Score. Vanessa wants to pat herself on the back. She’s been trying to figure out a way to get Brooke to hang out with her for _ weeks, _but couldn’t think of how to ask without sounding desperate. This way? They can both get work done too. 

She has no clue if Brooke is also gay, but who cares? It’s not like that. It’s not. Sure, dancing and goofing around with Brooke was nice, and sure she wants to do it again more than anything, but...she also wants to be her friend. Help her out a little. 

Well. More than her friend, but still. 

Brooke looks at her in surprise. “Yeah? You’d wanna do that?” 

“Sure, why not? And you can teach me the mnemonic you used to memorize the cranial nerves so damn fast.” 

Brooke smiles, a real smile, and it makes Vanessa grin in response. “I’d like that.” 

“Great. It’s a date, then. Well, not a date. A study date. Studying time. You know what I mean.” Vanessa claps a hand over her mouth before she can say anything worse. “Ugh.” 

Brooke giggles, reaching up to bring Vanessa’s hand down from her face, and Vanessa prays to the Lord that she doesn’t see the blush rising on her cheeks. “I got it. Don’t worry.” 

The professor clears his throat then, draws their attention to the tricuspid valve on the PowerPoint slide, and Vanessa leans back in her seat with a sigh of relief. The adrenaline rush from asking Brooke to simply hang out was enough to power a small town, at least. She’s too weak for this girl. 

The three hour lecture feels like it flies by with the promise of later. She likes cardio, she _ gets _cardio, it makes sense in her head. 

Brooke, however, radiates with nervous energy that becomes stronger and stronger as the lecture goes on. Vanessa turns to her at the break. 

“Don’t be freaking yourself out.”

“I’m not.” Brooke’s protest is feeble. 

“Imma distract you.” Vanessa racks her brain. She knows these spirals, she’s been in enough herself. “Wanna hear about my dog, Riley?”

Brooke turns out to be a _ real _ animal person, cooing at all of the pictures of Riley that Vanessa proudly shows her. In turn, Brooke tells her about her two cats back home, Henry and Apollo. 

“Is that Henry in a _ sweater?” _Vanessa nearly screeches at the picture that Brooke shows her. 

Brooke can’t hold back a grin. “He’s so fluffy that his fur was sticking up every which way after I took it off of him. He strangely likes wearing it, though.” 

Vanessa whistles. “Damn. One time I put Riley in boots to protect his feet from the salt and ice and he walked in a snowbank on purpose to lose ‘em.” 

Brooke looks lighter when the lecture starts up again, and Vanessa has to resist the urge to reach out and squeeze her hand. 

She racks her brain throughout the second half of the lecture of where she can take Brooke to study. Not the silent study zone, where they wouldn’t be able to talk, not the group study area which is always _ way _too noisy, but-

“Psst.” She nudges Brooke, who looks surprised by Vanessa talking in class. “You ever been to the top floor of the library?” 

Vanessa tugs her there after class, weaving between the shelves of old books and stacks on the floor to pull her to a window overlooking the rest of campus. The floor is empty save for the two of them, most students occupying the study areas on the first and second floors. 

Brooke whistles. “How did you find this?”

“I like to walk around while memorizing things, sometimes. Helps my brain think. Somehow ended up here one day.” Vanessa shrugs. “I like it up here. It’s quiet. Peaceful.” 

“Sure is.” Brooke’s voice is a whisper as she looks out the window, seeing the rest of the campus buildings from above. “I can see our residence building from here.” 

“Pretty cool, huh?” Vanessa grins, setting her bag down on the table beside the window. “Now c’mon. I promised you a cardio review.” 

* * *

Vanessa’s real glad that her evening lecture has been cancelled, her professor emailing in the morning that they were going to be out with the flu. When she looks at her watch, she nearly yelps when noticing the time. 

“8:30 already? Damn, it’s been what, like, four hours?” She looks over at Brooke, who closes her physiology textbook with a _ thud. _

“Jeez, you’re right. It hasn’t felt that long at all.” Brooke’s loosened up throughout their study session, pulling her feet up onto her chair and freeing her hair from the braid it was in so that her it cascades down over her shoulders in waves. 

“Time flies in good company.” Vanessa winks at her, second-guessing the action as soon as she does it because is it too forward? But then she sees the way that Brooke blushes, smiles shyly back at her, and her heart settles down from the flips it had started to do. 

“Thank you, by the way. You definitely didn’t have to spend so much time going over all of this with me.” Brooke’s facial expression is tentative as she peeks over at Vanessa while packing up her things. 

Vanessa waves off Brooke’s words. “I got stuff out of it too, helped me review everything. Now we’re both set for the first two units.” 

Of course, she wants to spend as much time as she can get with Brooke, but that’s neither here nor there. Nor does Brooke need to know. 

Brooke looks at her phone and bites her lip. “Shoot. I was supposed to meet my roommate to grab dinner with her at that sushi place on campus. I gotta go.”

Brooke pauses, though, turning to Vanessa with an expression that she can’t decipher. 

“Do you want to do this again next week? Make it a thing? I had fun.” Brooke’s looking at her like she’s absolutely terrified of what her answer may be. As if Vanessa would ever say no. 

“Hell yeah. I had fun with you too, B.” Vanessa grins then, remembering the words she had said to Brooke the first time that they had met in lecture. “Same time next week?”

“Definitely.” 

A standing study date with a cute girl. Well, not a date, but still. Vanessa’s happy with it. 

* * *

“Silky. My sweet Silk with the good milk. I am in _ love_.” Vanessa flops onto her bed in the most dramatic fashion that she can. 

Her roommate doesn’t even look up from her book. “You said the same thing last week after trying the lasagna in the dining hall that you bought. It wasn’t even that good.”

Vanessa rolls over, supports herself on her elbows. “It was, ‘cause I didn’t have to cook it. But seriously.”

Silky turns a page of her book. “Who you in love with now?” 

“Her name’s Brooke. She’s in Human Physiology One with me. Lives on the other end of the hall, actually. She’s so cute, Silk.” Vanessa thinks of how they basically spent the entire evening together, and from the way her heart starts to beat faster, she feels like a schoolgirl with a crush. 

“Want me to hook you up with this one, too?” Silky’s been her best friend and wing-woman from high school, responsible for multiple of Vanessa’s girlfriends in the past. 

“No, not this time.” Vanessa shakes her head. Divine Silky intervention just wouldn’t feel...right. “I don’t even know if she’s _ gay.” _

“You lesbians are always a fucking mystery to me. How you gonna woo her, then?” 

Vanessa shrugs. “I dunno. We just studied together for like four hours, though.” So what if her voice comes out a bit dreamier than intended?

“Oh so she a nerd too, huh? Match made in heaven.” Silky snorts. “Someone else at your batshit level.”

“Hey.” Vanessa pouts at her. “I _ like _human biology. It’s fun. And so does she.”

Silky waves a hand at her. “Can’t relate. Thank God I didn’t have to take bio past grade eleven. Imma stick with my English major, thank you very much.” 

Vanessa makes a face. “Beats me how you can write such long ass papers without getting bored.” 

“You ramble so much about wack ass shit as it is. Put that down on paper and channel it into something constructive. Not too hard.” 

“Boring.” Vanessa sticks her tongue out at her. “Anyways. I need to get her to like me.”

Silky snickers, looking up from her book. “You sound like you’re in middle school.”

Vanessa is unperturbed. “Laugh all you want now, but imma make it happen.” 

Silky finally puts her book down, looking up at Vanessa. “Just be yourself, boo. If she’s any good at all, she’ll like you for you.You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone else.” 

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “Surprisingly profound, even for you.”

Silky opens her book again. “What can I say? Sometimes I have moments where I channel the spirit of fucking Mr. Rogers himself.”

“I’d have watched you on TV as a kid. Even though I would have gotten so scarred by what I saw.” Vanessa ducks from the pillow that Silky tosses in her direction. “See! Already under attack.” 

“Talk shit, get hit. Now let me read.” Silky’s voice is good natured, and Vanessa can’t help but grin. She’s lucky that she’s gotten to room with Silky for their first year. Better her than a random stranger that she’d have to get to know. 

* * *

(now)

Vanessa pulls her coat tighter around her, crossing her arms to try and keep herself from shivering. She had forgotten how fucking cold Toronto is, even in the early fall. 

Los Angeles had spoiled her. The sun, the dry heat...she had thrived from her first day of medical school up to becoming a cardiothoracic fellow. But she had needed more. Wanted to go farther. Being back in Toronto will give her that - at least, she hopes so. 

She’s closer in location to her mom now, at least, and has her if nothing else. 

“Morning, Dr. Mateo!” Dr. O’Hara waves at her from the Starbucks line. 

Vanessa waves back, weaving in between the crowd to get closer to her. “Ready for our joint consult today?” 

“Very much so. I’m excited to work with you.” Dr. O’Hara’s grin is infectious, making Vanessa break out into a smile too despite the ridiculous early hour. 

“Likewise. I’ve always wanted to try a transcatheter aortic valve replacement. Didn’t have access to the materials back in LA.” 

“Really?” Dr. O’Hara looks surprised at that. “I thought that they’d have everything a surgeon would need in the US.”

Vanessa shrugs. “Nah. The hospital I worked at wasn’t a cardiac centre, so they stuck to the basics, referred out to other centres for more complex procedures. Had to fight to do the ones that I did.” 

“Speaking of which, the pericardial closure that you were able to do successfully and wrote about? Amazing. I hope you have the chance to do one here.” 

Vanessa grins. Her new colleagues, especially in the cardiac unit, have been incredibly supportive, hearing out her out of the box ideas and helping her find research evidence to back them up. More support than she had in LA.

Outside of cardiac, though? A different story. 

Most people are fine. She’s grabbed lunch with the ortho attendings and had coffees with the peds team, as well as the neuro team. 

Well. Most of the neuro team. Save for one. 

Seeing Dr. Hytes around has been fucking unsettling. The woman broke her heart when they were so young and the sting of the break up is still there, no matter how many girlfriends she’s been through since then. 

Dr. Hytes had been her first real love. And her last, no matter how much of a romantic at heart she remains to this day. 

It seems like the woman has closed off her heart to the world, too, from the way everyone else seems to be intimidated by her. 

“Dr. O’Hara,” Vanessa starts, the other woman nodding after taking a sip of her drink, “what’s the story on Dr. Hytes?” 

“Dr. Hytes? What about her?” 

“What’s she like?” Vanessa knew what Dr. Hytes - Brooke - had been like years and years ago, in undergrad. Soft and vulnerable and learning to believe in herself no matter what her brain was telling her. The Dr. Hytes she’s seen twice now, though, is different. Closed off. 

Also kind of a bitch. 

“Why, you into her too?” Dr. O’Hara’s smile is wry. 

“Not especially.” Vanessa wishes that Dr. Hytes wasn’t here, at the hospital. Bringing up old feelings that she most definitely doesn’t want to deal with while starting a new job. “What do you mean, ‘into her too’?”

“Bit of a ladykiller, that one. I swear she’s turned half of the nurses gay on my floor alone.”

“Okay, first of all, you can’t _ turn _people gay. Doesn’t work like that. Second of all,” Vanessa raises an eyebrow, “go on.” 

“She’s a great lay, apparently. Makes all the women after her go back for more. Not my cup of tea, personally, but Dr. Michaels slept with her once and swore that she came like, four times.” Asia whistles. “Her power.”

Vanessa scoffs. “Clearly you don’t know enough lesbians in your life. Not an outstanding number.” 

Asia shrugs. “Hey, just reporting what I’ve heard. That your cup of tea?” 

Vanessa wrinkles her nose. “Her? Not exactly.”

She had been, years ago. Vanessa knows better now. She’s not going to get burned again. 

Though she wonders how good Dr. Hytes must be now to have so many of the women in the hospital fawning over her. Not that she wants to find out for herself. 

“In or out of the sack, she’s a fucking neurosurgery god. Respect.” Dr. O’Hara points to a picture of Dr. Hytes hanging in the atrium, receiving some sort of award. 

Vanessa has to hold herself back from rolling her eyes. “She really has all of you wrapped around her little finger.” 

Vanessa remembers the Brooke from undergrad, so enamoured by neuro and the way the brain worked. No surprise that she’s become a neurosurgeon - and gotten the overinflated ego that comes with the title. 

She just wishes that Dr. Hytes could do it in a different hospital. Not around her. 

* * *

Vanessa is pissed. 

Extremely pissed. 

Sure, she’s been apprehensive about the consult meeting planned with the neuro team for one of their joint patients. Planning an aneurysm clipping for a patient with existing tachycardic issues should be easy, right?

Wrong. 

Not when the main neuro lead is Dr. Hytes, who seems to be determined to undermine everything that she says. 

“We’ll need to address the bloodflow before the clipping, should the patient’s tachycardia become an issue-”

“With all due respect, Dr. Mateo, your method doesn’t seem like a viable option for this patient-”

“Dr. Hytes, I assure you that my experience with this method with multiple patients during my previous practice and various papers written on it is enough to show that it is a viable option-”

“Regardless, this patient is a neuro priority first and foremost, and experimentation with a technique that hasn’t been previously tested at this facility is a rash choice-”

The rest of the meeting is more or less of the same. Not much gets done, not when the two lead attendings on the case spend it verbally sparring. Not that it’s Vanessa’s fault in the least. 

“Dr. Hytes.” Vanessa spits the words at her as soon as they wrap up, storming over to her seat. “May we please speak outside?” 

“What the hell is your problem?” Vanessa hisses the words at Dr. Hytes as soon as they’re in the hallway, watching as her eyes turn stormy as she follows her out into the hallway after leaving the conference room. 

“Your idea is reckless and it isn’t appropriate for this patient. It’s my job to let everyone else know too.” Dr. Hytes looks practically bored. Vanessa has never been more angry. 

“It’s not your job to undermine me in front of colleagues and a patient and their family, so forgive me for not accepting that bullshit.” She’s seething. Absolutely seething. Of course the fucking bitch is trying to make her look unprepared in front of everyone. What else did she expect?

“‘Maybe come prepared with better options and I won’t have to.” Dr. Hytes looks smug, too smug, and Vanessa has to ball her hands into fists to keep herself from doing anything stupid. 

“Look.” Vanessa’s voice is louder now, probably enough to be heard down the hallway, but she doesn’t care. “You don’t know _ shit _ about cardiology. Never have, never will. I’m the only reason you never failed the cardio units back in undergrad. So get the fuck off my dick by pretending you know better than I do. Because you don’t.” 

Dr. Hytes’ face turns cold, similar to the way it had been when Dr. West had introduced them on Vanessa’s first day. “You don’t get to talk to me like that.”

“Oh yeah? Says who? Unlike the rest of this hospital, I can see you for who you truly are. And the resulting image? Ugly. Unprofessional. Not as good as you like to think, up there on your high horse.” She spits the words, feeling the anger rise in her chest by the second. 

Dr. Hytes takes a step forward, then another, looking down at her. Vanessa stares right back up at her, refusing to take a step backwards. She’s not one to be intimidated, and not by Dr. Hytes of all people. 

“At least I got into med school on the first try. Because I _ am _as good as I think I am.” Dr. Hytes hisses it at her, low enough so that the small crowd that has gathered around them can’t hear. 

Of course she’d stoop that low. Of course. “Oh, _ fuck _you.” 

Vanessa turns on her heel, storms through the crowd. She’s had it. Had it with cocky surgeons who think that their disciplines are more important and can’t handle the idea of not being the number one priority at all times.

She can’t help but slam the door when she reaches her office, though has to resist the urge to hit her fist on the wall. She blinks back the angry tears threatening to fall. 

Coming to Toronto was supposed to be a good thing. Being back home. Of course one of her ex-girlfriends feels the need to ruin everything for her. 

She’s going to show Dr. Hytes up if it’s the last thing she does.


	4. chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dr. Cain told Dr. Miller who told Dr. Edwards who told me that she saw you two practically ready to bite each other’s heads off in the hallway a few days ago.” Dr. O’Hara ends her statement with a bite of her salad, eyes expectant. 
> 
> “Jesus, what is this, the hospital from Grey’s Anatomy? Do y’all ever actually work or just gossip here?” So maybe she’s feeling a little grumpy about it. Also because she’s not sure which time it is that Dr. O’Hara is talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the sweet responses to this story! I love it so, so much. In this chapter, we have soft baby gays in the past, and a bit of hospital gossip in the present. Writ is the most wonderful friend and beta ever.

(then) 

“Has anyone told you that you’re nuts? ‘Cause you’re nuts.”

Vanessa’s staring at Brooke’s review for the midterm, and holy _ shit. _The colour coordination. The diagrams. It’s as if she’s going to be graded on artistic ability. 

Brooke snorts at her dumbstruck face. “Honestly, it helps me to consolidate all the information, making it all pretty and organized. It’s helpful. My notes aren’t as extensive as yours, though.” 

Brooke reaches out to grab Vanessa’s midterm review, a haphazard collection of handwritten notes that she’s meticulously copied again and again. Vanessa’s found a strategy that works for her, especially when it comes to information heavy subjects - rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. 

Though it does make her notes look a bit chaotic. And unreadable to anyone who isn’t familiar with her handwriting. 

But hey, it works for her. 

“Organized chaos, is what mine is.” Her wrist aches with a phantom pain as she thumbs through the pages, remembering the strain as she wrote line after line. 

Vanessa leans over the table, looks over at the diagram that Brooke is drawing of the renal system. Her coloured pencils are spread out beside her, because of _ course _Brooke has coloured pencils to make her diagrams even more pretty. 

Vanessa picks up the yellow coloured pencil, a smile playing on her lips. “Don’t forget this one when you have to colour in the pee.”

Brooke wrinkles her nose. “Ugh, when you say it like _ that_-”

Vanessa snickers. “Nephrology is wack. I’m glad we’re both in agreement about that.” 

“It _ is _ cool, though.” Vanessa can see the gears in Brooke’s brain start to turn as she traces a finger over the diagrams that she’s drawn on the page. “Like the fact that sodium is so involved? And the amount that our body retains water is totally dependent on balancing concentration levels in a substance, which is something we learned in what, grade ten? I love it.” 

“You’re cute when you’re all excited over pee.” Vanessa can’t help but cackle when Brooke groans at her statement. 

“I’m not excited over _ pee- _”

“Yes you are. Pee lover.”

“Hush.” Brooke lifts up her notes to lightly smack Vanessa’s shoulder with them, making her squeal and lean back in her chair. The action nearly makes Vanessa fall off, and when she catches herself on the edge of the table, the two of them are laughing hard enough that Vanessa’s sure that a librarian is going to come to shush them at any second. 

They get back to work after Brooke goes to the bathroom (_‘don’t get too excited about going pee in there’), _finishing up their respective midterm reviews and quizzing each other. Vanessa checks her watch, sighs as the time for her 6 pm lecture ticks closer and closer. 

“I gotta go.” Vanessa doesn’t want to. Switching to a different lecture so that she can spend more time with Brooke would be silly, right? 

She tells herself that for now. 

“Have fun in class. I’ll study nephrology all by my lonesome.” Brooke fake pouts up at her, and Vanessa rolls her eyes good naturedly. 

“You say that as if you’re not going to have the time of your life.” 

Brooke sticks her tongue out, a gesture that Vanessa returns right back at her. She pauses when she’s packed up all of her things, letting the words rush out before she loses the nerve to say them. 

“Hey, if you’re still studying in the evening and don’t have dinner plans, wanna come over later? I was planning on making something in our suite kitchen. We can keep quizzing each other while making food, if you want.”

Because, yep, that’s the only reason she’s asking Brooke to hang out even _ more _today. To study while they cook. 

She’s so transparent that she can see through herself sometimes. 

Brooke blinks up at her before grinning, and she’s back to her shyness from when they first started talking. “Yeah. Sure, that would be fun. We’ll be even more prepared for the midterm then.

Yep. Prepared for the midterm. 

Vanessa will take it, though. Because really, school is the priority, right? 

She grins at Brooke. “Perfect. I’ll text you when class is done?”

“Sounds good.” Brooke waves her phone around in her hand. “I’ll be waiting.” 

“I bet you will. Now go back to learning about pee so you can quiz me about it later.” 

Vanessa skips down the hallway as Brooke groans, smiling to herself. The two hours of lecture she has to get through before their dinner better fly by. 

* * *

“Silky. Silky. What have I done?” 

“You’ve inv-“

“I’ve invited her over to make dinner together, Silky!” Vanessa practically yelps it, vibrating with nervous energy as she dances around their suite’s kitchen, pulling ingredients that she had bought earlier in the day from the communal fridge and cupboards. 

“Do you think she even likes stir fry? I just bought the stuff in the morning ‘cause it’s easy. I didn’t think I was gonna _ invite her for dinner. _” Vanessa punctuates the last four words with raps on the counter.

Silky munches away on her own dinner at the table, watching her as if she’s a nature documentary. “Who doesn’t like stir fry? It’s easy as shit and always tastes good.”

“What if she has some sort of weird stir fry trauma? Had food poisoning with it and now hates it more than anything in the world?"

There’s a rap on their door, then, and Vanessa looks at Silky in panic. 

“Well, now you get to find out. I’m taking my dinner to our room.” With that, Silky takes her plate, shutting the door behind her. 

She can do this. It’s only another studying session, this time with food involved. She opens the door to the suite, finds a wide eyed Brooke behind it. 

“Hey, I brought two bite brownies for dessert? I wasn’t sure if you liked chocolate or not, but two bite brownies are always good, and they were in the campus store, and-”

Vanessa can’t help but melt as Brooke cuts herself off, drawing in a breath. Did she really have anything to worry about?

“Sorry.” Brooke looks at her sheepishly, taking a step into the suite when Vanessa holds the door open more to let her in. 

“For what?” Vanessa grins at her. “You like stir fry?”

They work together as a team, chopping the vegetables and making the noodles like a well oiled machine while tossing questions from the nephrology unit back and forth at one another. 

“True or false,” Brooke starts as she drains the noodles, “Renin secretion is influenced by potassium.”

“False.” Vanessa points the spatula at Brooke. “Sodium influences it. Low sodium means that more is released. ”

“Perfect.” Brooke grins at her, bringing the noodles over so that Vanessa can pour the stir fry mix on top. “You’ve been killing all these questions.”

“So have you. I feel pretty good about this unit.” Vanessa sticks her hand out for a high five, one that Brooke returns. “What do you say we take a studying break and eat?” 

They curl up on the couch, and Vanessa barely has a chance to bring a bite to her lips before Brooke exclaims loud enough to be heard by the rest of the floor. “Vanessa, this is so good!”

“Yeah?” Her answer is muffled by her bite but she’s thrilled nonetheless, feeling like she wants to get up and dance around. It’s a feeling that only increases when Brooke nods.

“Yeah. I’m definitely gonna need seconds. Maybe thirds? Kind of want to sneak all this back to my room with me. Who knows?” 

Vanessa grins. “No need for that, B. You can always come back and we can make it again.” 

Brooke points her fork at her. “I’m going to take you up on it.”

“Why else do you think I offered?” She knows that her grin in Brooke’s direction is stupidly happy, solely for the fact that Brooke is reflecting the same facial expression back at her.

Vanessa likes her. A lot. More than just in class, more than when they just study together. 

Not that it’s a big deal. 

Brooke nudges her side with her elbow. “We spend so much time talking about school and class-”

“-and currently pee, thanks to the nephrology unit-”

Brooke snorts. “-and currently pee. As I was saying, we barely have the chance to talk about anything else, it’s so rare. So, I want to know you more. Tell me something.”

“Like what? That’s an open ended question.” What does Brooke even want to know? 

Brooke shrugs. “I don’t know. Tell me more about your family, maybe?” 

Vanessa leans forward in her spot, taking a sip of her drink before she speaks. “Okay. Well, it’s me and my mom and my older brother. And my abuela. We make a nice little unit.” She loves her family, really does. Misses them like crazy while she’s at school, especially her mom's cooking, which she appreciates now more than ever after having being made to cook for herself. 

“That sounds nice. Are you all close?” Brooke leans her cheek on her hand, listening intently, and her focus makes Vanessa flush under her gaze a bit. 

“Yeah. Real close. My mom’s always been supportive, y’know? Through everything. Gotten a couple of ass whoopings along the way, but they’ve always been deserved. I was a demon child.” Vanessa thinks back to herself as a kid, giving her mom more stress than she deserved at the time, acting out. 

“But we’re closer now. Which is nice.” Vanessa shrugs, smiling a little. She needs to call her mom soon, catch up with her. “Being away at school makes us appreciate each other more.” 

Brooke smiles back. “She sounds like a lovely mom.” 

“She is.” Vanessa nudges her. “What about you, what’s your family like?”

Brooke shrugs. “They’re okay. I like being away at school, if that tells you anything.”

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “That bad, huh?”

Brooke shifts in her chair, trying to explain. “No, not bad, per se. Just…stressful? Wound up?” 

“That’s not easy, though.” Vanessa’s glad that her mom isn’t like that. She wants to do the best she can, make her happy, but her mom never acts as if she’s anything but proud of her. 

“No. It isn’t.” Brooke fiddles with the couch cushion beside her. “They’re just always expecting perfection on my end, y’know? And I’m trying to give it to them. I want to. I should be able to.”

Now _ that _makes a lot of sense. It explains Brooke’s need to do the absolute best, her panic that sets in when she feels like she hasn’t studied enough. The way Brooke calms down during their study sessions when she starts to understand things better. 

“You can’t, though. No one can. No one’s perfect.” Vanessa has to resist an urge to grab Brooke’s hand, rub her thumb in little circles over her palm. “You can only do the best you can.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Brooke doesn’t look too convinced. 

“If everyone was perfect, we’d all be boring as shit. Nothing fun to make us all different. We wouldn’t have anything to still work towards, either.” Vanessa pulls her feet up on the couch, scooching closer to Brooke. “You work your ass off and it already shows. I’m sure they can see that.”

Brooke bites her lip. “I hope so.” 

“If not, I see it. Everyone else here sees it. You’re amazing.” The words tumble from Vanessa’s mouth before she can stop them, making her want to clap a hand over her mouth. 

Way to make her feelings known. She’s probably gonna scare Brooke off. 

She wants to take the words back, apologize for overstepping, but Brooke’s smile is soft on her face. “You’re the amazing one, helping me study and feeding me and being more than amazing company.”

“I’m glad I sat beside you during our first class. Not that I had a choice.” Vanessa thinks back to their first lecture, where she had come in late and it had been _ plenty _embarrassing. 

“All I remember from that class is how much your leg was shaking for most of it.” Brooke looks at her with a grin. “Thank goodness you don’t do that all the time.”

“I was nervous! It was the first class! Plus, I was sitting beside you and you looked really intimidating.” It’s true. Brooke looked mean at first glance. 

Brooke looks at her in surprise. “Really?”

Vanessa scoffs. “Please. As if you didn’t know that already. You were glaring at me the whole time.”

“Oh god. I’m so sorry.” Brooke’s cheeks are pink. “In my defense...I was nervous too?”

Vanessa snorts. “Sure, whatever. It’s all good. Your tune changed real fast as soon as I opened my mouth to talk to you, anyway.”

“How so?” 

“You got all shy on me.”

Now Brooke is the one to look indignant, eyebrows raised to contradict her statement. “I did not.” 

Vanessa snickers. “Yes you did. All stuttering on your words and shit.” As if Brooke doesn’t make her stumble on her own words, too. 

“That is completely false and you know it.” 

Vanessa is about to retort, words on her tongue about how she’s nothing but truthful, but then Brooke is tickling her sides, making her squirm on the couch.

“Playing dirty!” Vanessa sticks her hands out to tickle Brooke back, give her a taste of her own medicine, but Brooke doesn’t even flinch under her touch. 

“Wait.” Vanessa pauses, narrowing her eyes. “You’re not ticklish?”

“Nope.” Brooke pops the ‘p’ at the end of the word, with a grin at Vanessa that is _ way _too smug. 

“Unfair!” 

Brooke giggles at her dramatics and it spurs Vanessa on further, flopping herself lower onto the couch. 

“Unbelievable. Not even ticklish.” 

“But you are. And it’s a fact that I will absolutely use to my advantage.” Brooke looks too happy, too thrilled about the turn of events. 

Vanessa fixes her with a look. She wouldn’t. “Don’t you dare.”

“Don’t I dare what?” 

“You know exactly what-” Vanessa shrieks because Brooke tickles her again, climbing on top of her as they’re both giggling. 

“Mercy, mercy.” Vanessa holds a hand up and Brooke acquiesces, stopping. It’s then that Vanessa notices that Brooke is still on top of her, close enough that she can smell her shampoo, feel her hair that’s falling in front of her face and brushing against her arms. 

Woah. 

Brooke evidently notices at the same time, her eyes widening. She’s about to say something, maneuvering her arm so that she doesn’t fall off of Vanessa when-

“Sup, bitches?”

Vanessa groans, dropping her head against the back of the couch. Typical. 

“Hi?” Brooke climbs off of Vanessa at lightning speed, straightening herself out in the couch beside her. 

Silky fixes them both with a knowing grin. “Don’t mind me, grabbing a snack.” 

Vanessa sighs as Brooke is back on her side of the couch, introducing herself to Silky as she fixes herself a sandwich. 

Moment gone. 

* * *

(now)

Vanessa pulls off her gloves, gown, and mask, tossing them into the waste disposal before washing her hands. She grins as Dr. Michaels comes up behind her, smile of approval clear on the woman’s face. 

“Nice job, Dr. Mateo. Off to a great start.”

Her first surgery at her new job? Successfully completed. Sure, it had been a simple ablation procedure, but Vanessa feels great. 

She’s been hired here as the cardiothoracic head for a reason. She’s gonna show everyone that the chief made the right decision. 

“Thanks. You were great to work with in there. That ablation was smooth.” 

“You’re damn right about that.” Dr. Michaels holds out a fist, and Vanessa bumps it right back. 

Dr. Michaels pulls off her scrub cap, holding the door open for Vanessa to go through. “Lunch?” 

“Absolutely.”

They grab a table in the cafeteria, joined by Dr. O’Hara and another doctor that she’s never met who looks like she should still be doing her undergrad degree. Vanessa sticks out a hand to introduce herself. 

The woman shakes it. “Dr. St. Clair. Cardiothoracic resident.”

Vanessa’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “You’re a resident? I swear I thought you were-”

“An intern?” Dr. St. Clair laughs, shaking her head. “Yeah. I get that a lot. Looking young as a doctor isn’t the most helpful in getting patients to respect you.”

“So,” Dr. O’Hara’s voice is conspiratorial as she takes out her lunch, “what’s the gossip on you and Dr. Hytes?” 

Vanessa nearly chokes on her sandwich. “What do you mean?” It’s interspersed with coughs, prompting Dr. Michaels to pat her on the back. 

“Dr. Cain told Dr. Miller who told Dr. Edwards who told _ me _that she saw you two practically ready to bite each other’s heads off in the hallway a few days ago.” Dr. O’Hara ends her statement with a bite of her salad, eyes expectant. 

“Jesus, what is this, the hospital from Grey’s Anatomy? Do y’all ever actually work or just gossip here?” So maybe she’s feeling a little grumpy about it. Also because she’s not sure _ which _time it is that Dr. O’Hara is talking about. 

She and Dr. Hytes have fallen into a routine of sorts for their joint consult on the upcoming surgery. Vanessa feels like she’s defending her fucking thesis from the way that Dr. Hytes continues to question her abilities concerning the procedure. It’s absolutely infuriating, and lead to many shouting matches in the conference rooms. 

The Brooke she remembers from undergrad would never have been like this. Disrespecting her at every turn, acting like a fucking bitch. Acting like she’s better than everyone else. But Vanessa knows her, and Dr. Hytes is not. Vanessa has never wanted to put her in her place more. 

But she’s also just started. She doesn’t want to look unprofessional and get fired before she can make any leeway as an attending surgeon. 

Besides, if she gets fired, it means that Dr. Hytes wins. 

“You didn’t answer the question.” Dr. Michaels and Dr. O’Hara look like a buddy cop duo, resting their elbows on the table, while Dr. St. Clair watches attentively. 

“She just rubs me the wrong way, that’s all.” No way is Vanessa going to bring their history - ancient history, at that - up to her coworkers. No one else’s business. 

Dr. Michaels shoots a conspiratorial look at Dr. O’Hara. “Seems like a lot of emotion for just rubbing someone the wrong way.” 

Vanessa shrugs. “Maybe I’m just an emotional person.” It’s not a lie, not really. 

“Not only from you,” Dr. O’Hara lowers her voice, “From her, too.”

“Yeah?” Vanessa raises an eyebrow.

“Mhm.” Dr. O’Hara nods at her. “I’ve seen that woman have maybe five emotions max while working here. She’s usually unflappable. Since you’ve gotten here, though? The woman is pissed.”

Vanessa can’t help the satisfied smile that settles on her face. “Good.” 

Let Dr. Hytes be pissed. Especially since she’s been causing Vanessa so much grief. It’s what she deserves to feel. 

“See!” Dr. O’Hara points at her. “There’s something you’re not telling us, and I know it. We’re gonna find out.”

Vanessa snorts, taking another bite of her sandwich. “Good luck with that.” 

* * *

“Dr. West, you wanted to see me?” 

“Come in.” Dr. West’s voice is warm when Vanessa knocks on her office door, though it does little to assuage the way her heart feels like it’s sinking in her chest. 

She doesn’t know why the chief of surgery has called her in for a meeting, though has a sneaking suspicion it’s about a certain neurosurgeon attending. Maybe Dr. West has had it and wants to get rid of her - Vanessa wouldn’t be surprised if Dr. Hytes has complained about her. The bitch. 

“I wanted to touch base with you about your first few weeks here, see that everything is going away.” Dr. West is smiling at her, and doesn’t look too mad - perhaps a good sign?

“It’s been great so far. Everyone is incredibly welcoming.” Not a lie, for the most part - not that she’s going to bring up Dr. Hytes, not when her and Dr. West seem like they’re friendly with each other. 

“That’s good to hear.” Dr. West is looking at Vanessa with an expression she can’t quite decipher, and it makes her want to squirm in her seat. She can’t tell how much the chief actually knows. 

Vanessa’s pretty sure that Dr. West hadn’t been in the attending locker room in the morning. when Dr. Hytes had interrupted her conversation with Dr. Miller about ICU stay lengths at her previous hospital, muttering that it seemed to be counterproductive for patient health. So maybe Vanessa had to give Dr. Hytes a piece of her mind - so what if such arguments are becoming a daily occurrence? As long as they’re not disrupting patient care, Vanessa’s going to fight back every time. 

Vanessa’s not one to take things lying down. She doesn’t care if the other doctors in this hospital are. Dr. Hytes doesn’t scare her. Sure, the way her eyes narrow in her direction and the way she stares down at her make her heart feel like it’s beating a little faster sometimes - but it’s just adrenaline. 

“So.” Dr. West leans forward in her seat, opening up her clipboard. “A change I implemented here a few years back when I became chief was more opportunities for interdisciplinary collaboration. More work with doctors outside our immediate disciplines - to build more connections between everyone despite all of our differences and interests.” 

“Okay.” Vanessa nods, not sure where Dr. West is going. 

“I understand that you already have a joint surgery coming up with Dr. Hytes soon.” Dr. West looks up from her clipboard, holding Vanessa’s gaze for a little too long. 

She tries her best to keep her face neutral. “That’s right.” 

“How has the preparation for the case been going so far?”

Vanessa channels her best poker face. “It’s been alright, thank you. Dr. Hytes is incredibly smart.” Not a lie. 

“I’m glad you think so.” Dr. West goes back to her notes, pushing her glasses up on her nose with her index finger. “One initiative I’ve started with new surgery hires is having them shadow surgeries in a few other disciplines. Have the opportunity to see how others do things, ask questions about unfamiliar procedures, participate in interdisciplinary information sharing.” 

“I see.”

“I know you’ve been here for a few weeks and seem to be settling in well. Would this still be something that you’d be interested in?” 

From the way that Dr. West is looking at her, she’s not sure if she has a choice in her answer. “It would be pretty educational to shadow in some other disciplines. Haven’t done that since I was a resident.” 

Vanessa isn’t lying, per se. It _ would _be pretty cool. It’s just that she already as an idea of who Dr. West wants her to shadow for neuro already-

“I think it would be a great idea for you to shadow Dr. Hytes for one of her procedures, especially before your joint one in a few weeks. You can get to know her a bit more. We can start with that.”

Fuck. 

* * *

“The surgery is to remove an arteriovenous malformation. Do you happen to know what that is, or do you need a refresher?” Dr. Hytes sneers it at her as she braids her hair back (still as blonde, still as long as it used to be) and Vanessa wants to smack the smug look off of her face. 

“I’ve taken neuro, Dr. Hytes, my memory isn’t that shit.” Vanessa scoffs. Of course Dr. Hytes is on her high horse already. 

Vanessa is not looking forward to shadowing her in the least. She doesn’t care how she operates, she doesn’t give a shit over how people fawn over her. Hell, if it weren’t for their joint surgery coming up, she probably would have found a way to decline Dr. West. 

But at the same time...she needs intel. Needs to know what to expect before they have to step into an operating room as colleagues, so that it doesn’t blow up in their faces. 

Doesn’t mean she has to be happy about it. 

“If you say so. Keep out of my way in there. This is my surgery, and I’d like to keep it running as smooth as the rest of the ones that I do.” Vanessa rolls her eyes at Dr. Hytes’ words. So damn cocky. 

“I want to be here as little as you do. As if I’d want to be up in your face during this. Chill.” She pulls on her scrub cap, one with little dogs all over it that she couldn’t resist buying as a resident. It remains her favourite. 

“Whatever. Just don’t get in my way.” The words are cold as Dr. Hytes pulls on her own scrub cap, and Vanessa has to suppress a groan because of _ course _. 

Dr. Hytes’ scrub cap has little cats all over it. Typical. 

“Fine.” So what if Vanessa’s voice is a bit haughty when she says it? “As long as you don’t get in mine.”

The growl that emanates from Dr. Hytes in response is enough to make her smirk more than she should.


	5. chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Brooke?” 
> 
> “Yeah?” Her answer is muffled slightly by her yawn as she puts her phone away, after showing Vanessa pictures of Henry and Apollo that her mom had sent earlier in the day. 
> 
> “I…” Vanessa bites her lip and scoots closer to until she’s right in front of her, and Brooke can see every freckle on her nose and how long her eyelashes are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter five! some exciting things happen both then and now. thank you writ for betaing <3

(then)

“If I have to read the word ‘t-cell’ one more time, I’m gonna lose my damn mind.” 

Brooke giggles at Vanessa’s declaration, the girl having dropped her head onto her arms on top of her textbook. She looks so cute buried in her oversized jacket, the sleeves rolled up to allow for her hands to stick out. 

“You okay there?”

“No.” The groan is muffled by the way Vanessa’s face is hidden. “Immunology sucks. Who needs it anyway?”

“We all need an immune system to keep us from getting sick.” Brooke pokes her arm, and Vanessa’s head pops up almost comically. 

“Fuck that. I don’t wanna study anymore. We’re gonna be fine for this midterm, anyway.”

Brooke bites her lip. Sure, they know the information inside and out, having gone over all of the units that will be on the midterm multiple times, but what if there’s more to learn? More stuff that they can commit to memory?

Vanessa interrupts her train of thought by closing her textbook, ignoring her ensuing protest. “C’mon. We can study tomorrow. It’s already almost midnight.” 

Brooke checks her watch. “Shoot, you’re right.” She turns her head, peeking her head past one of the bookshelves. The top floor of the library remains as empty as ever, save for the two of them. It’s a space that has quickly become hers and Vanessa’s, one that they’ve staked their claim over with piles of textbooks and snacks nearly every evening. Their study sessions have become more and more frequent, the two of them getting together in what is now _ their _spot to review, even for the classes that they don’t have together. 

It makes her happier than it should, this time with Vanessa. Seeing the way that she pouts sometimes when she studies and the little _ whoops _ that she lets out when she finally understands a concept. The way her hair always falls in her face, waves dropping onto her textbooks. Brooke constantly has to resist the urge to braid it back for her. 

She needs to get a grip and stop practically mooning over this girl, who she doesn’t even know if she feels the same way. But it’s too damn hard. 

Brooke keeps turning over their little dinner from last week in her head. She had really, _ really _wanted to kiss her, to go and ruin their friendship and change everything. She had been close, real close to doing so. Because Vanessa had been on the couch so close to her and smiling so bright and Brooke could have sworn that in that moment, Vanessa had felt it too. Before her roommate came in and Brooke had left shortly after, wanting to kick herself for missing the opportunity. 

They haven’t had a non-study session since then - too busy, what with midterms for other classes. But Brooke wants to take the chance and ask her. Maybe to grab some food after their midterm together. It’s worth a shot. 

“Does b-cell stand for ‘Brooke-cell?”

“Huh?” Brooke looks at Vanessa with a confused expression, who has apparently reopened her textbook. 

“Well, there’s t-cells and b-cells. Maybe b-cells are named after you.” Vanessa points to the picture of b-cells in the book. 

Brooke reaches out to ruffle Vanessa’s hair, making her yelp. “They should change the name to v-cells. For Vanessa.” 

“I wouldn’t just be a cell, baby. I’d be a multicelled organism.” Vanessa tosses her hair over her shoulder. 

“Technically, you already are a multicelled organism.” 

Vanessa sticks her tongue out at her. “Shush. Don’t ruin my moment.”

Brooke snorts. “Y’know what, I think you’re right. We’ve both hit our studying limit and are going a little loopy.” 

Vanessa scoots her chair around the table, closer to Brooke. She leans back, looking up at the ceiling. Many of the lights have dimmed, with only the area that they’re sitting under actually lit up. “Do you think people ever stay overnight here?” 

“Sure they do.” Brooke nods. “It’s open 24 hours. There’s that guy on the second floor who’s always in pyjamas, I bet he does.” 

“I bet you could rock his style.” Vanessa grins at her. “Pyjama couture.”

Brooke doesn’t miss a beat. “Wouldn’t you like to see it?” 

It’s Vanessa’s turn to turn pink, cheeks flushing and mouth dropping open as Brooke snickers. “You wish.” 

Their books are long forgotten by the time Brooke’s watch starts to tick closer and closer to 1 am. She hasn’t made any move to leave and neither has Vanessa, which must be a good sign - of what exactly, Brooke doesn’t know. 

All she knows is that the sight of Vanessa curled up in her chair is absolutely adorable. 

“Hey Brooke?” 

“Yeah?” Her answer is muffled slightly by her yawn as she puts her phone away, after showing Vanessa pictures of Henry and Apollo that her mom had sent earlier in the day. 

“I…” Vanessa bites her lip and scoots closer to until she’s right in front of her, and Brooke can see every freckle on her nose and how long her eyelashes are. 

Vanessa’s searching her face for something and Brooke can’t tell what she’s looking for, but she wants to give it to her. Make the worry lines on her face go away. 

“What is it, V?” Her heart is beating faster because she’s never seen Vanessa look like this before - all tentative and nervous and wide eyed. Maybe when she made dinner with her but that time was so short, felt like a dream. 

Brooke’s not sure if she’s dreaming now too but if she is, she doesn’t want to wake up from it. Not in the least. 

Brooke brings her hand up to Vanessa’s face because it feels like the right thing to do, to trace her thumb on her cheek and it’s just as soft as she thought it would be. Vanessa leans into her touch and covers her hand with her own and Brooke’s never lived through an earthquake, but her heart feels like it’s beating hard enough to cause one in her soul. 

Vanessa looks up at her from under her long lashes, her eyes flitting down to Brooke’s lips before coming back up to meet her eyes. 

“I want to try something.”

Brooke moves herself closer, imperceptibly closer. Not enough to close the gap, but enough so that Vanessa notices. 

“Then try it.”

But then Vanessa closes the gap first, her face is right there and her lips are so soft that Brooke can’t help but gasp into the kiss. Vanessa takes full advantage of it, deepening the kiss and bringing her arms up around Brooke’s neck. 

Brooke tugs Vanessa closer, pulls her on top of her in her lap because any distance between them is too far, and the thought of being far by any means from Vanessa again is too much to fathom, now that she has her right here. Her mind isn’t sure if it’s really happening, because she’s thought about it so _ much _and wanted it so bad, wanted to be able to run her fingers through Vanessa’s hair. Now that she’s doing it, now that she can feel the way it makes Vanessa lean into her touch, is it even real? 

Then Vanessa pulls back and looks at her, eyes bright and tentative and face flushed and Brooke’s never seen anyone more beautiful in the world. She looks down at their hands, intertwines their fingers, marvels at how well they fit together. Thinks about how she never wants to let go. 

She tugs Vanessa back down, to kiss her again because she has to know that this is real, everything is real, not a sleep deprivation induced fever dream. From the way that Vanessa smiles into the kiss, squeezes her hand, Brooke starts to think that maybe, perhaps, they are here. Actually here. 

* * *

(now)

Brooke is methodical. 

Her daily schedule sits on her desk with all of her surgeries, meetings, and consults colour coded and organized. It makes her feel on top of things, more in control. More prepared for the day ahead of her.

She starts her days early too, getting everything that she needs for her procedures ready in advance rather than leaving a nurse or aide to do it. Being in control of every last aspect ensures that the day unfolds just the way she likes it.

Is she rigid? Maybe. Does it work for her? Absolutely. 

Brooke heads to the supply closet on the general surgery floor, suppressing a yawn before taking a sip of her coffee. It’s too damn early to not to be able to find any of the polyester sutures that she’ll need later in the day. Sure, she _ could _use prolene ones, but they never feel quite right. Polyester is an easier material to work with.

Besides, no one else on the neuro team uses polyester sutures for their surgeries, so she has no problem finding them for the most part. Except that this morning, the neuro supply closet seemed to be free of them, leading her onto a wild goose chase to look for more. 

The general surgery supply closet seems to be empty, making sense with the early hour. Brooke thumbs through the supplies, past the gauze and the tubes and the tools and - oh. 

“What are you doing here?” Of course Dr. Mateo is in here too. Her luck, really. 

Whatever. She’ll grab the polyester sutures and leave. 

“What? Oh, it’s you.” Dr. Mateo’s voice goes from curious to dismissive as soon as she sees Brooke, turning back to whatever it is she’s holding in her hands and _ hey. _

Dr. Mateo has the last pack of polyester sutures from the shelf in her hands. What the hell is she doing with them?

“I need those.” If her voice comes out sounding like a petulant five year old, she ignores it. 

“So? Find your own.” Dr. Mateo scoffs at her. Fucking rude. 

“That’s what I’ve been _ trying _to do. They’re not in any of the other supply closets.” Brooke has to keep herself from narrowing her eyes because Dr. Mateo has grabbed the entire stock from the closet. Of course. 

“I fucking know that. Why do you think I came in here too?” Dr. Mateo is looking at her with an expression that is _ too _smug, and Brooke can’t resist rolling her eyes. 

“Anyway.” Dr. Mateo shrugs. “You snooze, you lose. Come earlier next time.” 

Brooke feels her hands ball into fists, her cheeks getting hot. Dr. Mateo has some nerve, she really does. “The hell is your problem? Since when do you even use polyester sutures? No one else around here uses them except for me.”

“Since I was a resident. Breaking news, Dr. Hytes, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Shocking, I know.” Dr. Mateo steps closer to her, crossing her arms. 

Unbelievable. 

“How dare you.” She hisses it as she takes a step closer to Dr. Mateo. “You’ve done nothing but be a fucking nuisance since you got here. This is _ my _terrain.” 

It is. This hospital is hers. Of course Dr. Mateo has come and disrupted everything. 

Dr. Mateo looks up at her, jaw set as she puts the sutures down on a nearby shelf. “Not anymore, it isn’t. Looks like you’ll have to move over.” 

It’s then that she notices how close they are. Dr. Mateo’s hair still in waves, though half up. Out of the way. The same freckles dotting her face that used to do so back in undergrad. Her eyes staring up at Brooke, hardened and narrowed and _ smug. _Her lips curling up in a way that Brooke knows that it means that she thinks she’s won, expecting Brooke to leave with her tail between her legs. 

It’s then that Brooke realizes the perfect way to shut her up. 

Is it stupid? Sure. Will it work? Absolutely. 

Brooke closes the gap between them with a single step, grabbing Dr. Mateo’s face with both of her hands and tilting it up, pressing her lips to hers. The gasp that leaves Dr. Mateo’s lips is satisfying because fucking _ finally_, except then Dr. Mateo is on her tiptoes, kissing back harder and nearly making Brooke step back from the force. One of Dr. Mateo’s hands is fisting in her hair, and Brooke has to suppress a growl because it feels too good and she’s the one in control right now, damn it. 

Brooke nips at Dr. Mateo’s bottom lip, and oh, it makes her gasp in the same way that it used to all those years ago. Brooke walks them back until Dr. Mateo’s back hits the wall, and she has her right where she wants her. 

She’s breathing heavily, looking up at Brooke with hooded eyes and swollen lips and mussed hair and it’s maybe one of the hottest fucking sights that Brooke’s ever seen in her life. Not that it’s relevant in the least. 

Brooke leans down and kisses up the column of her neck, feeling the way that she shudders underneath her. She remembers that Dr. Mateo’s jaw is sensitive, and is glad that her memory is right when she hears a moan leave her lips when she nips at the skin. 

Dr. Mateo’s hands are uselessly fisting in her shirt, and Brooke has to fight to stay focused, in control of things. She tugs on Dr. Mateo’s hair, exposing her neck even more, pressing her lips right above her collarbone and _ fuck, _she’s missed this. Missed the way that Dr. Mateo is trying to pull her closer, practically melting in her hands. 

“You like this, huh?” She pushes a knee in between Dr. Mateo’s legs, feeling a wave of heat run through her when Dr. Mateo whines and grinds herself down, gasping. “Still the same. So worked up.” 

“_Fuck _, Brooke, Jesus, I-” Brooke pauses for a second when hearing her name from Dr. Mateo’s lips because it feels too familiar, too much like old times and for a second they could be back in undergrad. But then Dr. Mateo’s hands are raking up her sides, underneath her scrub shirt and no, she’s here, they’re here. It’s different now. 

She pulls her knee back, tuts at the resulting whine from Dr. Mateo from the loss of contact. “So needy.” 

“_Fuck _you.” Dr. Mateo’s voice is a growl, and Brooke feels a wetness growing between her own legs because of it. 

“That’s what I’m trying to do.” Brooke pushes on Dr. Mateo’s shoulders, spins her around so that her hands hit the wall. Brooke is behind her, pressing her up against it, and moves her hair to one side to expose her neck. She feels the way it makes Dr. Mateo shudder when she nips there harder than she should, not caring what her neck is going to look like the next day. 

It’s none of her business, really. Dr. Mateo’s problem to deal with, not hers. 

Dr. Mateo pushes back against her, trying to close any distance between them and of _ course _she’s trying to grind her ass against her. 

“You always this fucking impatient, Dr. Mateo?” 

“You always this fucking slow, Dr. Hytes?” 

“Shut up.” Brooke mutters it into her ear, and she can practically feel the smirk on Dr. Mateo’s face.

“Make me.” 

If that’s what Dr. Mateo wants, it’s what she’ll get. Brooke doesn’t waste time teasing her fingers along Dr. Mateo’s waistband to get her worked up because she’s already there, so wet and canting into her hand after Brooke pushes her underwear to the side. Brooke has to hold back a moan because it’s fucking hot, _ she’s _hot and whining in front of her and who even cares if they get caught at this point? She never wants these sounds to stop leaving Dr. Mateo’s lips, especially if she’s the one to elicit them. 

Brooke wants to draw it out, tease a little before giving in but her self-resolve is already all but gone. Brooke brushes her fingers at Dr. Mateo’s clit, revelling in the way Dr. Mateo has to brace herself against the wall to keep herself up. Dr. Mateo ruts her hips forward so that she moves against her hand, and so Brooke nips at her ear in warning, making her gasp. 

Brooke moves her fingers to just outside her entrance, pushes two in when she meets no resistance. 

“So wet. All for me, huh? This too much for you?” Brooke maneuvers her hand so that the heel of her palm brushes against her clit, and the moan that Dr. Mateo lets out when she does is definitely loud enough to be heard in the hallway. 

“Just like that-” Dr. Mateo gasps it out as she meets Brooke’s movements, spurring her on further because there’s no way she’s going to stop now. 

“C’mon Ness, you’re almost there.” The old nickname slips from Brooke’s lips before she can stop it and she doesn’t even care, not when Dr. Mateo - _ Vanessa _\- is so close, falling apart underneath her just like she used to. No, even better. 

Brooke dots kisses along the column of Vanessa’s neck as she comes _ (‘fuck, _ fuck'_) _, her walls tightening around Brooke’s fingers and her wetness dripping onto her palm. Brooke doesn’t stop her movements until Vanessa’s shaky hand drags down the wall to push hers away, gasping as she does. 

Vanessa turns back around, leaning against the wall and _ oh, _she’s wasting no time despite her shaky breaths because she’s pulling Brooke down to kiss her, bite at her bottom lip. 

Brooke pulls back and Vanessa’s eyes are wide, her chest rising and falling in uneven pants. 

“Fuck you, you’re good at that.” 

“Yeah?” Brooke can’t help the surge of pride that flows through her. Sure, she can make girls fall apart underneath her whenever she takes them to bed, but Vanessa?

She’s in a league of her own. 

Brooke nearly yelps when Vanessa pushes her shoulders back, flips their positions. Brooke’s glad for it, glad that she’s leaning against the wall for support because Vanessa’s getting on her knees and _ fuck. _

She’s nearly going to come from the sight of Vanessa kneeling in front of her, staring up at her with hungry eyes and her trembling hands tugging on Brooke’s scrub pants and then her underwear and pulling them down, down, getting her to step out of them before pushing her legs apart and coming to rest in between them. 

Vanessa doesn’t break eye contact as she presses kisses up her inner thighs, holding her legs in place so that Brooke can’t move. 

“Fuck, Ness.” Her hands go to Vanessa’s hair because she needs to grab _ something _and it’s already too much and Vanessa hasn’t even done anything yet. 

But then Vanessa stops. Looks up at her with a smirk. “Nuh-uh. Not going to happen. Hands on the wall.” 

Oh, so _ that’s _the kind of game she wants to play. 

“Oh, fuck off.” Brooke mutters it under her breath because of course Vanessa wants to tease her like this, draw it out. 

“You heard me.” 

Brooke grabs her hair tighter, relishes in the little gasp that leaves Vanessa’s lips, but Vanessa doesn’t move. “You want me to leave you like this? All wet and dripping just for me, at the beginning of the day, no less? All unable to take care of yourself or focus ‘cause all you can think about is me, right here?” 

Brooke can’t help the groan that she lets out because Vanessa _ would _, and how are her words leaving her even more wet?

Fine. The stubborn bitch can win. Brooke needs her mouth on her more than anything she’s ever needed in her life. 

“Good girl.” Vanessa practically purrs it when Brooke moves her hands to the wall, winking at her before burying her face between her legs and _ fuck. _

Vanessa’s tongue teases at her folds and the action alone nearly makes Brooke’s knees give out beneath her. Her hands fist uselessly against the wall, unable to grab anything and when Vanessa moves her tongue around her clit, she feels like she’s already going to fall apart.

Vanessa’s gotten better. Way better. Sure, she was good when they dated, but eleven years of practice later? Brooke’s going to embarrass herself and probably come in less than five minutes. 

One of Vanessa’s hand moves around to cup her ass, squeezing it and Brooke can’t help but roll her hips forward, lift a leg up and rest it on Vanessa’s shoulder. The angle makes it even more intense, especially when Vanessa goes and sucks at her clit, just the way that Brooke likes it. 

Brooke’s definitely going to have to fix her hair and makeup and make herself look presentable again and if anyone comes into this supply closet they’re screwed, but it doesn’t even matter because she’s so fucking close, Vanessa’s hands squeezing tight enough to leave bruises on her skin. 

She comes with Vanessa’s name on her lips, something she hasn’t done in years but it feels so right, feels so natural as it leaves her. As if it hasn’t been more than a decade since they last did this. 

Then Vanessa’s getting Brooke to step back into her underwear and scrubs, tying the drawstrings of the latter at her waist. She then climbs back up, wiping her face with her sleeve and Brooke can't resist but pulling her in to kiss her, a deep kiss that still makes her knees buckle. 

When Brooke pulls back Vanessa’s eyes search hers, as if she’s looking for something to say and Brooke gets it because what do they even do now?

But then Vanessa smirks, tilts her head. Grabs for the pack of sutures that she had haphazardly dropped earlier back onto the shelf. 

“These polyester sutures are still mine, though. Good luck finding your own.”

Then she’s gone, door swinging shut behind her and Brooke’s not sure whether to laugh or roll her eyes as she tries to catch her breath, because she can’t even be mad about it right now, not when she’s left her thoroughly fucked out. Bitch.


	6. chapter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “For the millionth time, my sweet Detox, I don’t need you to set me up with any of your guy friends.” Brooke tosses a pillow at Detox for emphasis. 
> 
> Detox catches it. “Is it ‘cause you already have a guy? Is it that person you’re always texting?”
> 
> Brooke almost misses her questions, already busy replying to Vanessa. “Huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's one thing you do today, go listen to 'Strangers' by Fletcher because it's this fic to a T and leaves me shook every time I hear it. I've also made a playlist for this fic, like I did for Game of Survival. Listen to it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3zC1vdjefKWnOBGtztvnbk?si=aFgk327OQO-XpY1hTBCq5A
> 
> This chapter has _everything_. Double chocolatey chip frappuccinos, yoga poses, illicit meetings. If you read those two sentences in Stefon's voice, you read them right.
> 
> Thank you Writ for being the most wonderful beta ever.

(then)

“How about Jake?” Detox holds up her phone, a picture of yet another guy on the screen that Brooke doesn’t care for at all. 

“Eh.” Brooke looks up from her phone for only a second, going back to reply to Vanessa’s text about optimal pet names. 

“You’re not even listening.” Detox pouts at her, and Brooke almost feels bad, putting her own phone down. 

“For the millionth time, my sweet Detox, I don’t need you to set me up with any of your guy friends.” Brooke tosses a pillow at Detox for emphasis. 

Detox catches it. “Is it ‘cause you already have a guy? Is it that person you’re always texting?”

Brooke almost misses her questions, already busy replying to Vanessa. “Huh?” 

“You are _ so _not telling me something, B.” Brooke doesn’t notice Detox sneaking up behind her, grabbing her phone before she has a chance to react. “Got it!”

“_Hey!” _Brooke is off of her bed in a flash, trying to chase Detox who has climbed onto her own bed, holding up Brooke’s phone in the air. “Give it back, D. I know where you’re ticklish.” 

“Your threats don’t scare me.” Detox sticks her tongue out at Brooke, looking at the notifications popping up on her phone’s lock-screen. “Ooh, who is Vanessa?” 

Because of _ course _that’s when Vanessa chooses to text a photo of herself blowing a kiss. Doesn't help that Brooke put a heart beside Vanessa's contact name, either. Classic. Though from the preview, the picture is adorable. 

Brooke can’t help but flush, and has to resist burying her face in her hands. It shouldn’t make her nervous, but she’s not even out to Detox and doesn’t know how she’ll react, and what if she hates her-

“Why didn’t you tell me you liked girls!” Detox’s voice is positively delighted. 

Huh. 

“I could have been suggesting you girls instead, B! Not that you needed my help at all, because she’s cute. Now show me more pictures of her, you sneak.” Detox jumps down from her bed, flopping down beside Brooke and nudging her side. 

“Ugh.” Brooke can feel the heat growing on her cheeks, wanting to hide behind a pillow but also can’t help but feel secretly pleased. She hadn’t been sure how Detox would react, but this seems to be the best possible outcome. 

And now she can brag about Vanessa. 

Brooke flips open her phone amidst Detox poking her side (_‘I’m opening it, be patient, woman’)_, and pulls up her camera roll, tapping on a photo of Vanessa that she had taken a few days prior in the library. Vanessa’s laughing in the picture, her eyes all scrunched up and her smile all big and looking at it makes Brooke melt. She loves it. 

Detox snatches her phone out of her hands, ignoring her protests. “Lemme see. Aw, she’s adorable!” 

Brooke can’t hide the shy grin on her face. “Yeah, you think so?” 

“Yes I do, you idiot. Now tell me things more often, ‘kay?” 

Brooke smiles. She really hadn’t had anything to worry about. “‘Okay.” 

“Now, tell me where you met her and tell me everything because I wanna know and I’m single and need to live vicariously through you.” Detox looks up at her with an expectant look, resting her face in her hands and Brooke can’t help but laugh. She really has lucked out with Detox as her roommate. 

* * *

“Have you ever tried the double chocolatey chip frappuccino? ‘Cause I want it and need me some sugar.” Vanessa’s squinting her eyes up at the drink menu hanging above them as they wait in line at one of the campus coffee shops. 

“That one is gonna give you a wild sugar rush before class, then you’re gonna have to sit still for 3 hours afterwards. Not to mention the sugar crash.” Despite her words, Brooke kind of wants to see it. Vanessa hyped up on both sugar and caffeine is an incredibly entertaining, albeit chaotic sight. 

“Maybe saved better for after class. Though I still want a croissant.” Vanessa taps her fingers on the glass. 

Once they’ve gotten their food and drinks and head towards the lecture hall, Brooke bites her lip. She still hasn’t told Vanessa about telling Detox about the two of them yesterday, and it’s been gnawing on her insides. 

She wants to be honest, but what if they’re not even anything worth mentioning? Their first kiss had two days ago, before they stumbled back to their dorm rooms at two a.m. all giggly and after exchanging many more kisses. It still makes her heart do a somersault in her chest if she thinks about it. 

Vanessa had grabbed her hand as soon as they met up today as if it was the easiest thing in the world, and Brooke had to stop herself from staring at their intertwined grasp. But they haven’t actually _ talked _about it yet, or about if they can tell other people, and it’s starting to weigh on Brooke like an ever increasing pile of bricks. What if she shouldn’t have told Detox just yet? What if Vanessa will be mad at her? 

“Hey, Vanessa?” Brooke’s voice comes out more tentative than she wants it to. 

“Hm?” Vanessa’s reply is distracted as she cranes her neck around the lecture hall, trying to find a spot for the two of them. 

“I...mighthavetoldmyroommateaboutusisthatokay?” The words come out in a rush and Brooke has to let out a breath afterwards, making Vanessa turn towards her. 

“Woah baby, slow down.” Vanessa holds a hand up, and Brooke has to pretend that her cheeks are absolutely _ not _warm from Vanessa calling her ‘baby’. “Didn’t catch any of that. Say it again?” 

“I told my roommate about us. Well, she saw a text from you on my phone, then put two and two together, and…” Brooke peeks at Vanessa from behind her hair, expecting her to look mad or surprised, but Vanessa is smiling. 

“Duh. Of course it’s fine, you dolt.” Vanessa pauses. “Also because my roommate’s known about you for ages, ‘cause I never shut up about you, even from before we kissed.”

“Is that so?” Brooke grins.

Vanessa shoves her with her elbow. “Shush. Though you haven’t actually asked me to be your girlfriend yet, you know.” 

Vanessa looks at her expectantly as they sit down in their seats and Brooke can’t help but melt. As if she has to think twice about it. “Fine. Vanessa. Will you be my girlfriend, then?”

Vanessa grins, eyes sparkling. “Why yes, and here I thought you’d never ask.”

Brooke wants to reach out, grab her hand but they’re interrupted by a group of students shuffling past them in their row. She settles down in her seat, pulls out her notebook before she pauses. “Wait. You could have easily just asked _ me_.” 

Vanessa waves a hand. “Nah, this was way more fun. Now shush, the prof’s gonna start talking any second.” She turns back to her notebook, pretending to write away, and Brooke can’t help but grin as she rolls her eyes. 

Her girlfriend. Vanessa is her girlfriend. 

* * *

Their hangouts greatly increase after that. They keep their studying sessions in the library, but seem to find other excuses to be around each other for as long as possible too. 

She gets to know Silky, Vanessa’s roommate, a little bit more, the girl calling them both ‘whipped’ five minutes after seeing them in each other’s presence. But Silky turns out to be very easy to get along with, and a great person to talk to while Vanessa gets ready because she always takes a long time. 

Vanessa meets Detox a week later, though _ not _in the way that Brooke had been planning for it to happen. They’re on Brooke’s bed with Vanessa straddling her lap, making use of the time because Detox has a block of classes for a few hours that ensures that she won’t barge in on them. 

Vanessa’s just in her bra, her hands trailing underneath Brooke’s shirt and her fingers tracing up her sides. Brooke has to resist making a noise into their kiss because it’s a _ lot _ and she’s never actually done this before and _ maybe _ she’s going to fall apart right here_. _ She just hopes that Vanessa doesn’t notice. 

Vanessa pulls back from the kiss, her face all flushed and Brooke knows that hers no doubt looks the same. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi.” Brooke can’t help the way her face falls into a dopey grin. She’s in uni, she has a _ girlfriend_, and it’s Vanessa. Who also happens to be incredibly smart and beautiful and calms her down when she’s studying and stressed and is also hot. Not that she’s objectifying her, but Brooke certainly can’t complain. 

“What’re you smiling about?” Vanessa tilts her head, looking at her with inquisitive eyes. 

“Nothing. Just happy.” Brooke shrugs her shoulders, still grinning. It makes Vanessa’s face all soft though, a quiet _ aww _escaping her lips before she leans back down to kiss her-

“Guess whose boring as _ hell _political science lecture got cancelled!” 

“Shit-”

“Woah, _ hello!” _

Vanessa’s off of Brooke’s lap in a flash, reaching for her t-shirt on the end of the bed and tugging it back over her shoulders before Brooke even has a chance to blink. Detox is still standing in the doorway, her open mouthed expression a mixture of shock and glee as she looks between the two of them. 

“Vanessa! You’re Vanessa, right? Unless you’re _ not _Vanessa, and things are about to get very awkward-”

Brooke interrupts Detox before she can say anything else, already wanting to drop her head into her hands. “Yes, this is Vanessa-” 

“You’re Brooke’s girlfriend!” Detox looks like she’s about to do a jig on the spot. 

“I like your energy.” Vanessa grins, sticking out a hand to shake and yelping when Detox instead pulls her into a standing position to hug her. 

“Finally. I’ve been wanting to meet you for ages, bitch. Brooke never shuts up about you. Or stops texting you. Do y’all know what codependency is? Cause I think the two of you are there already.” 

Brooke flops back onto her bed with a groan, making Detox cackle. “Didn’t say it wasn’t adorable. Even though you were fully pulling a _ Girls Gone Wild _before I opened the door just now-”

“_Detox.” _

“Sorry.” Detox snickers. “But also not sorry. Seeing you all embarrassed right now in front of Vanessa is hysterical.”

It only makes Brooke groan louder. “Why are you like this?”

“Because you love it, that’s why. Now I’m gonna leave you two lovebirds and go to the gym because I can. And because I know for a fact that the men’s soccer team has their workout there right now. Priorities.” Detox leaves then, duffel bag in hand and a wave at the two of them before she slams the door. 

_ “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” _Detox’s voice echoes from the end of the hallway, and Brooke rolls her eyes as Vanessa snickers. 

“She’s something, huh?”

“You’re telling me.” Brooke makes a face. 

“She’s nice though. I like her.” Vanessa does her best imitation of Detox standing in the doorway. “Her shocked face!”

Brooke can’t help but crack up either, the two of them giggling as Vanessa comes back to sit beside her on the bed. 

“We _ were _in the middle of something, though.” Vanessa’s smile turns wicked as she shuffles closer, her expression making Brooke feel all warm inside. “And now we know for sure that Detox won’t be back for a few more hours.” 

Brooke can’t help the grin that threatens to spread over her face, tugging on the hem of Vanessa’s shirt again. “What are we waiting for, then?” 

* * *

(now)

“C’mon, you know you want to.” 

“Not particularly.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

“Whatever fits with your fantasy, Yves.” 

Brooke shifts into downward dog as her friend and fellow neurosurgeon Yvie (or rather, Dr. Bridges, better known to the hospital as Dr. Oddly due to Dr. O’Hara giving her the nickname years ago as a resident) lets out her customary laugh. 

“Please? I need a wing-woman or I’ll scare her away on my own.” Yvie pouts at her from her forward fold pose, and Brooke has to resist a wince because the woman is too damn flexible. 

“Pretty sure you don’t need me. That nurse already looks at you with puppy dog eyes. And how do you know she’s even going to be at Ralph’s tonight?” Brooke isn’t particularly keen on going to the nearby bar in the evening, the one most frequented by the employees of the hospital. She wants a bath and a glass of wine more than anything else tonight. 

“I know Scarlet’s going to be there because I heard her talking about it with Ra’jah during rounds and I heard _ that _conversation because Dr. Visage was fucking boring while doing her recap on the cerebellar stroke patient and listening to Scarlet was a lot more interesting.” Yvie punctuates her run on sentence with a shift to a pigeon pose, voice low to avoid drawing the attention of their yoga teacher. 

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “You’re lucky that patient is on my caseload and not yours, otherwise you’d be screwed.”

Yvie waves a hand. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I listen when it counts, bitch. Now are you coming with me or not?”

Brooke sighs. “You’re not going to stop bothering me until I say yes, will you?”

“Knew you’d agree.” Yvie's voice is triumphant as they both switch sides in their poses. 

“I still haven’t agreed yet.”

“Yeah, but when I show up at your place in a couple of hours, you’ll be ready to go.” Yvie grins at her. 

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “For a neurosurgeon, you sure have a lot of trouble talking to girls by yourself.” 

“Yeah, like you’re any better.” Yvie sticks her tongue out at her. You just go down on them before you have to say anything.”

“Crude, you nasty bitch.” 

Yvie lets out a guffaw loud enough to make the yoga teacher shoot a dirty look in their direction, making Brooke crack up with her. Maybe she’ll go out tonight with Yvie, get her mind off of things by helping her out. 

* * *

It doesn’t get Brooke’s mind off of things. 

Yvie’s already gotten Scarlet in a booth, chatting her up while the latter giggles over her cider. Brooke’s done her job, having made them talk to each other, and takes a sip of her own beer with a grimace. 

She scans the bar. Normally, she’d have no trouble leaving the bar, texting one of the women that she regularly sleeps with and bringing them home, but tonight feels...off. She doesn’t want to. 

It’s all Dr. Mateo’s fault. Their hookup in the supply closet yesterday morning is still on Brooke’s mind. The sound of her gasps and her movements underneath Brooke keep replaying on a loop behind Brooke’s eyelids, as if her brain is trying to taunt her and is asking for more, more, more. 

So maybe she wants it again. Doesn’t mean the woman still isn’t a thorn in her side. 

The fact that they have a consultation meeting together in the morning makes Brooke want to order another drink. She wants to forget the fact that she’s going to have to look into Dr. Mateo’s eyes across a desk and discuss (or rather, argue about) their joint surgery and potential complications. She’d much rather be bending her over it. 

Maybe she should just go home. Yvie doesn’t need her anymore, probably ready to spend the rest of the night with Scarlet. Brooke has better things to do than nurse her problems sitting alone at the bar. She’s not that pathetic. 

“So this is the famous Ralph’s y’all were talking ‘bout?” 

Of fucking course. 

Brooke has to resist a groan, downing the rest of her beer in one go instead when she sees who walks into the bar. 

Vanessa - no, still Dr. Mateo. They’re not at that level. They haven’t been since undergrad. 

She’s walking in with two other cardiothoracic surgeons, laughing and shedding her leather jacket and tossing her waves over her shoulder and Brooke _ really _needs to stop staring. Dr. Mateo’s in a tank that shows off how toned her arms are, in red lipstick that’s a deeper shade than anything she ever wore in undergrad. Brooke wants to ruin it all over her face. 

She turns around before Dr. Mateo notices, praying that the other woman doesn’t see her. The bar counter suddenly becomes very interesting to look at, though the grooves and lines in the worn wood aren’t enough to drown out the sound of Dr. Mateo’s laugh. 

It would be so easy. Going up to her, pulling her to the bathroom and taking her against a stall door. Covering her mouth when she comes so that others don’t hear on the opposite side of the wall, because Dr. Mateo can be _ loud _and Brooke wants to do nothing more than to make her scream. 

She needs to get a grip. 

Brooke slides off the bar stool she’s sitting on, grabbing her own jacket. She needs to head out of the bar, leave before she does something stupid enough to make Dr. Mateo become the sole occupant of her thoughts, rather than of the 95% of her brain that she has control over right now. 

Her shoulder ghosts against Dr. Mateo’s as she passes by her group, keeping her head down and hoping that the other woman doesn’t notice. If Dr. Mateo feels the spark that Brooke does at the moment though, the one that emanates down from her shoulder in tendrils like a lightning strike where they touch, there’s no way that she hasn’t at least looked up. Brooke doesn’t stay long enough to see if she has, out the door in a short few strides. 

Brooke takes a shower instead of her planned bath when she gets home, too antsy to sit down and attempt any form of relaxation. The cold spray does nothing to push down the heat that feels like it’s emanating from her very core, spreading through her veins and setting a fire that hasn’t ever burned this bright or strong. 

She can still feel the trace of Dr. Mateo’s hands on her hips, holding her against the wall in the supply closet. Nipping by her inner thighs and leaving marks that still haven’t faded against her pale skin. 

It may be stupid, a terribly bad idea, but Brooke does it anyway. Gives in, turns up the heat in the shower until the mirrors are all steamed. She lets her hand trail between her legs, pretending that it’s Dr. Mateo’s and that she’s here with her, pressing up against her and hair slicked back and burning hot like fire. 

And if she groans out _ ‘Nessa’ _ when she comes, well, no one needs to know. 

* * *

“Dr. Mateo, can you stay back for a second?” 

“Fine.” 

Brooke shuts the door of her office behind the rest of the surgery consult team as they leave, turns back around to Dr. Mateo. She’s leaning herself back against Brooke’s desk, looking a bit too smug for Brooke’s liking.

“Can’t stay away from me, huh?” 

Brooke ignores her words, choosing to walk up to her and box her in instead, putting her hands on either side of her on the desk. 

So what if Brooke can’t stay away from Dr. Mateo as much as she wants to, no matter how much she attempted to do so at Ralph’s the night before? Who else needs to find out? 

“You don’t seem to be complaining.” Brooke murmurs it centimetres away from Dr. Mateo’s face, pulling back when Dr. Mateo chases her to kiss her and smirking when she lets out an annoyed grunt. 

“You can’t debate me for an hour straight, in front of our colleagues no less, and not come through afterwards.” Dr. Mateo’s arms loop around her neck. 

“Oh, yeah? What is it, foreplay to you?” Brooke ignores the fact that she’s equally as turned on as Dr. Mateo looks in front of her, pupils blown wide and eyes flitting across her face. 

“If you stopped being so fucking infuriating all the time,” Brooke continues, tilting Dr. Mateo’s face up, “it would save us both a lot of trouble.” 

Dr. Mateo kisses her, tugging on her bottom lip. “Oh, I’m the infuriating one? I’m not the one questioning another’s surgeon’s abilities during a team meeting.” 

Brooke pushes Dr. Mateo’s hair to one side, exposing her neck. “Maybe I’m just pushing you to be a better surgeon.”

Dr. Mateo scoffs. “Pushing me, my ass. And don’t even think about putting your lips on my neck right now. Do you know how much concealer I’ve had to use the past couple days to cover up the hickeys you left like a high schooler? What are you, a fucking _ Hoover_?” 

Brooke has to let out a snort at that. “Not my fault your skin marks so easily.” 

She fiddles with the hem of Dr. Mateo’s scrub shirt, watching as the woman stutters. Brooke slips a hand underneath the fabric, traces her fingers along her sides, her ribs, sees the way that Dr. Mateo’s breathing becomes quicker and shallower and knows that her heart is beating just as fast, too. 

“Let me leave them somewhere else, then.”

“You territorial bitch.” The words are feeble, half hearted as they fall from Dr. Mateo’s lips.

Brooke has to smirk when Dr. Mateo tugs off her own shirt, the warmth of her bare skin flush against Brooke. It makes her feel more in control for the first time since Dr. Mateo started to work at the hospital. Brooke supposes that Dr. Mateo won’t complain either if this becomes a standing arrangement between the two of them, not from the way that her hands fist in Brooke’s hair, grip already shaking before Brooke’s even done anything. 

It’s a power that Brooke loves and wants to get drunk on. As frustrating as Dr. Mateo continues to be, she takes care of an itch that Brooke can’t seem to scratch without her. And from the way that Brooke makes Dr. Mateo come undone up on her desk, moaning her name against her shoulder, it’s even more satisfying to see that Brooke seems to have the same effect on her, too. 


	7. chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “First of all, that girl is head over heels for you. I’m pretty sure the last thing she’ll ever feel about you is disappointed.” Detox nudges Brooke, making her lean her head on her shoulder. 
> 
> “You think so?”
> 
> “I swear she’s about two seconds away from composing a love sonnet for you or something.” Detox snickers when Brooke shoves her side. 
> 
> “Shut up.” 
> 
> “You could shave your head and show up in a clown nose and she’d still want to bang you.” 
> 
> Brooke groans. “Remind me why I come to you for advice?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously on Nobody Knows Where We Might End Up: 
> 
> In the past: Brooke comes out to Detox, and Vanessa meets her.   
In the present: Brooke and Vanessa have found a _ great _ way to release tension, especially tension caused by each other.
> 
> Now here's chapter seven. Thank you to writ for betaing. <3

(then)

“Come to the gym with me.”

“What?” 

Detox looks up at Brooke from her spot on her bed. “You’ve been pacing for the last half hour and you won’t tell me what’s wrong. You clearly have some nervous energy to burn off.”

“I’m not pacing.” Brooke stops her walking when Detox shoots her a look. So what if she’s pacing? “I’m just…”

Detox scoots herself to the edge of her bed and tugs on Brooke’s hand, making her fall down onto the bed with a yelp. 

“Come on, Mama Detox is listening. God knows you listened to me talking about Matt for a good hour this morning.”

Brooke wrinkles her nose. “You’re truly out of his league, D, you could do so much better-”

“Nuh uh.” Detox holds up a hand. “The Brooke roasting Matt hour ended at breakfast today. Now we’re talking about you.” 

“Okay, but you still like him too much.” 

“Maybe so.” Detox nudges her. “Not all of us get lucky with perfect girlfriends like yours.”

Brooke groans, falling back into the bed. Detox raises an eyebrow. 

“Wait, you guys _ are _ okay, right? I don’t have to fight her for breaking your heart or anything? 'Cause I will.”

“No, no.” Brooke sits up. Sighs. “She’s amazing. Vanessa is amazing.” 

She is. She’s beautiful, and perfect, and…

“Okay good, ‘cause I really like Vanessa and wouldn’t be able to actually fight her. Imagine the emotional toll.” 

Brooke gives her a look, though has to try not to laugh. “Detox.” 

Detox shrugs. “I stand by it. But if it’s not something she’s done, why do you look like you’re about to have a nervous breakdown?” 

Brooke groans, pulling a pillow from Detox’s bed on top of her face. “It’s embarrassing.”

Detox tries to pull the pillow back. “Girl, last week I lost at beer pong to that computer science nerd in 701. Pretty sure he’d never even played beer pong before in his life. _ That _was embarrassing. Now tell me.” 

But how can she? It’s so trivial, not even a big deal like she’s making it to be in her head. And yet she wants to bury herself underneath all of these blankets and never climb out from them ever again. 

Ugh. She may as well just tell Detox. “Vanessa…”

“Spit it out, B.”

“She wants to-”

“What? Do the do? Roll in the sheets? Get freaky?”

“Detox!”

Detox cackles and ducks from the pillow that Brooke hurls in her direction. “Am I wrong, though?”

Brooke groans. “No. How did you know?” 

Detox pats her shoulder. “Well, you said things were fine between the two of you, so it makes sense, really. Plus you seem like the nervous type to make it all weird.”

“I’m not making it weird!” Brooke protests feebly. She’s _ not. _“I’m just…”

“Was your last relationship not too good or something? I’m sure she’ll understand if you wanna wait.” 

Brooke pulls the pillow back over her face. “That’s the thing, D. I’ve never...Vanessa is my first girlfriend.” 

“Wait, really?” Detox looks surprised. “A tall drink of water like you and this is your first relationship?”

“It’s harder when you like girls, y’know.” Brooke can’t help the wry edge in your voice. “Us gays are on a way later timeline in terms of getting things done.” 

Detox shrugs. “Fair enough.” 

“Plus, the past couple years for me were all ballet and studying and now I just feel behind.” Brooke slumps her shoulders. She’s always been dedicated, pushing herself at certain things to the cost of others. She feels like it’s starting to show now, how unbalanced she is. 

“It’s not a race to get things done, B. There’s no rush. You have all the time in the world for that, and to try out different things.” Brooke sighs at Detox’s words. She knows that they’re true, they are, but they’re not as reassuring as she wishes they could be. 

“It’s just,” Brooke pauses, “I know I’m not _ her _ first girlfriend, and it’s just - what if she’s disappointed or something? What if I suck or I don’t know what to do or she laughs at me-”

“Okay, hold up.” Detox holds up her hand, and Brooke sucks in a breath. It’s all thoughts that she’s never verbalized, but they’ve been floating around in her brain since her and Vanessa have started to fool around. She’s been dancing around Vanessa, trying to avoid them doing anything too scandalous because she’s been, well…nervous. 

Brooke thinks back to a couple days ago, when they had been in Vanessa’s dorm room. Vanessa had been on top of her, kissing her neck and Brooke had been just about ready to pass out from how _ gay _ she felt. But then Vanessa had started to move her kisses lower and Brooke’s brain began to blare with alarms and she made up a stupid excuse about forgetting about going to a professor’s office hours that she absolutely could _ not _miss, no ma’am. 

It feels stupid now. She wants to go further. She just wishes that she knew what to do.

“First of all, that girl is head over heels for you. I’m pretty sure the last thing she’ll ever feel about you is disappointed.” Detox nudges Brooke, making her lean her head on her shoulder. 

“You think so?”

“I swear she’s about two seconds away from composing a love sonnet for you or something.” Detox snickers when Brooke shoves her side. 

“Shut up.” 

“You could shave your head and show up in a clown nose and she’d still want to bang you.” 

Brooke groans. “Remind me why I come to you for advice?” 

“Because I tell it like it is, that’s why. Vanessa seems like the type to be patient and understanding and probably a great person to have a first time with. It’ll be better than mine. I can never look at a pool table the same way now.” Detox shudders. 

“Thanks - wait, what was that about a pool table?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Detox waves a hand. “Talk to her about it. She’s your girlfriend. Communicate instead of dithering about it in your dorm room.” 

“I’m not _ dithering-” _

“Yes you are. Now to talk to her and get railed the way you deserve.” 

“Ugh.” Brooke wrinkles her nose. “I swear I’m not telling you anything ever again.” 

Detox snickers. “That’s a lie and you know it.”

* * *

Vanessa’s head is buried in her textbook while she mutters out loud. “Okay, so the proliferative phase starts while the follicular phase is going on at the same time? Why are bodies so damn confusing?” 

Brooke has to try not to laugh at the way Vanessa’s brow is furrowed. “You’re cute when you’re confused over the reproductive system.” 

Vanessa sticks her tongue out at her, though Brooke can see the way that her cheeks are turning pink. “Go over this with me one more time, B. It’s not clicking in my head.”

“Okay.” Brooke shifts closer to Vanessa, bends her head over the textbook with her. Their floor in the library remains as deserted as ever and Brooke is glad for it, because she can never keep her brain straight for too long when she’s this close to her. 

“I got it!” Vanessa yells it triumphantly in the middle of Brooke’s explanation, making her jump. Vanessa claps a hand over her mouth, trying not to giggle. “Sorry. It makes sense now. Thank you, my girlfriend in shining armour.” 

Brooke rolls her eyes good naturedly. “Anytime, you goof.” Vanessa’s so cute sometimes to her. 

Brooke shuffles in her seat, remembering her talk with Detox earlier in the day. She hasn’t brought it up to Vanessa yet, the two of them studying from the moment that they got to the library. Though now that the thought is in her brain, she finds herself unable to focus on the words in front of her. How can she do her readings when she keeps thinking about kissing Vanessa, and being in Vanessa’s room, and-

“Nessa?” 

“Mhm?” Vanessa’s voice is all distracted, her finger following along with the words that she’s reading in her textbook. 

Brooke wants to bring up what happened the last time they were in Vanessa’s room, and why she’s been so shifty anytime they get close to doing anything, and how she’s never done it before but the only thing that comes out is-

“Sex?”

She nearly facepalms. 

Vanessa’s eyebrows nearly shoot up to her hairline. “Awful forward, huh?”

Brooke feels the heat in her cheeks. “No, no, no, _ not _what I meant I swear.”

Vanessa giggles. “What a classy proposition from you, Miss Brooke Lynn.” 

“Ugh.” Brooke groans and it only makes Vanessa crack up more. “Okay, let me try again.”

Vanessa tries and fails to keep a straight face. “Okay. Take two.”

“Don’t laugh.” 

“I’m not laughing, I swear!” Naturally, Vanessa lets out a giggle. 

“_Ness-” _

“Spit it out already, B.” 

“Okay, well.” Brooke fiddles with her hands. God, why is it so hard to say? “We should. Try. Doing more, I mean. I know I’ve been kinda all over the place, but…”

Vanessa’s eyes soften. “I don’t want to push you to do anything that you don’t want to, baby. Never have. Don’t worry about it.” 

Brooke leans forward in her seat. “It’s not that I don’t _ want _to.” How could she not? “I just...haven’t done it. Before. So.” 

“Hey, so what? That’s no big deal.” Vanessa reaches out, grabs her hand. Squeezes it. The hold feels like it calms her down a little. 

“I feel like I’ll be all fumbly and not know what to do.” Brooke feels whiny, but it’s a valid concern, dang it. 

“It’s not like we’re leaving each other _ Yelp _reviews after or some shit. That’s not the point of sex. The point is to enjoy it and have fun. But only if both people wanna, and are willing to try and trust each other.” 

“You make it sound like a trust fall.”

Vanessa snorts. “In a way, it kinda is. But hey. Look at me.” She leans forward in her chair; her expression more earnest than Brooke’s ever seen from her. “We’ll do whatever you feel comfortable with, ‘kay? We can figure it out together.”

“Easy for you to say.” Brooke mumbles it as she looks down at the desk. “You’ve already done it.” 

“So what? Not like it’s gonna be the same every time. Different people like different things. I wanna figure out what you like.” Vanessa winks at her, and suddenly Brooke really, _ really _wishes that they weren’t in the library right now. 

“So can we wrap up our studying, or-”

“Easy there, Casanova.” Vanessa smirks. “Let’s finish what we needed to get through today from the notes first.” 

“Okay, and _ then-” _

“Yes.” Vanessa grins at her. “Then.”

Brooke smiles back and lets out a breath. “Thanks, though. I know I’m a bit jumpy and tend to run away from things sometimes.” 

She remembers Vanessa’s confused face every time that she pulled away without explanation. It feels easier, sometimes, to just not face things. It’s how she’s dealt with most difficult things that come her way. Though the realization that it doesn’t do any good for their relationship has been startling, and something she wants to work on - especially if it’s for someone like Vanessa. 

“It’s no big. Besides, I know you’ll come back to me in the end.” Vanessa leans back in her chair, putting her hands behind her head. 

It makes Brooke groan. “Okay, you just completely ruined the moment right there.” 

Vanessa sticks her tongue out at her. “Think I just made it better, if I’m being honest. Now c’mon, we need to get through this shit as fast as possible. For reasons.” 

* * *

(now)

“The new record keeping system that will replace our current one should make documenting progress notes, rounds, and reports easier, as well as writing orders with far fewer glitches on the interface...” The IT lead’s voice drones on for what feels like the fifth hour, and Brooke has to resist sinking lower and lower in her seat from boredom. 

Sure, the fact that the hospital is upgrading their notes system is great. Real great, since their current one is absolute shit. But does the entire hospital staff really need to sit through multiple briefings on it? She has better things to do than to hear about the technical details of the system. 

Brooke feels her phone vibrate in the pocket of her scrub pants and pulls it out, trying to keep it low in her lap. Most of the people that work at the hospital wouldn’t have the balls to ever call her out for being on her phone during a presentation - Nina, however, would, and she doesn’t need that conversation.

She clicks the notification and has to resist the urge to roll her eyes. Dr. Mateo. 

_ VM: i’m bored as shit _

_ VM: how long are these presentations anyway? _

She types out a quick response, sending it and stuffing her phone back into her pocket. 

_ BLH: Pay attention. _

Her phone buzzes before she has a chance to tune back into what the presenter is saying. Not that she actually cares to listen. 

_ VM: like u are, bitch _

_ VM: don’t think I don’t see u nodding off in the second row _

_ BLH: I am not. _

_ VM: yeah u are _

_ BLH: Did you text me just to argue with me through a different form of communication than face to face? _

_ VM: no, actually _

_ VM: thinking of u bending me over my desk _

_ VM: like u did yesterday _

Brooke shuts her phone screen before anyone near her sees the texts, letting out a breath. Does she have to do this now? 

It doesn’t stop her phone from buzzing again. 

_ VM: thinking of ur hands holding me down _

_ VM: making me beg for it _

_ VM: not letting me come _

Jesus Christ. Yesterday had been exceptionally good. Real fucking good, after Vanessa had made their team meeting run so damn long with her tendency of bringing the conversation off topic that Brooke had to get her back somehow. The stress relief had benefited both of them, really. And remembering it is making her feel warm in her seat. 

_ VM: I see u squirming _

_ VM: u thinking bout it too huh _

God. 

_ BLH: What are you even trying to do right now? _

_ VM: u know exactly what _

_ VM: let’s ditch this _

_ VM: my office in 10 _

She could easily just stay here and learn about the new charting system, leaving Dr. Mateo all frustrated and worked up alone in her office. 

Or. 

She could go to her office and have what she knows will be a way better afternoon.

Brooke waits an extra five minutes after Dr. Mateo’s specified time, wanting to make her squirm a little. The hallway is mercifully empty as she reaches her office, which is just as well because Dr. Mateo practically yanks her inside when she gets there. 

“What are you, a fucking sloth? Could you be any slower?”

Brooke snorts. “Impatient as always, aren’t you?” 

“Shut up. Now come here.” Dr. Mateo tugs on her lab coat, pulls Brooke down to kiss her. 

Brooke wastes no time in reciprocating the kiss, deepening it and grabbing Dr. Mateo’s face with both of her hands. Brooke loves the way that she has to bend down and the way that Dr. Mateo has to tilt her own face up, reaching slightly to make up for the height difference. It’s cuter than it should be. 

Dr. Mateo walks Brooke backwards until they reach her desk chair, pushing her shoulders until she sits down. She climbs up onto Brooke, straddling her lap and wrapping her arms around her neck. The sharp breath that she lets out when Brooke’s hands grab her waist, holding her steady, is a sound that Brooke knows well. 

“Our joint surgery is in four weeks.” Dr. Mateo gets the words out in between kisses. 

“That it is.” Brooke tilts her head back towards her. Why is she bringing it up, when they clearly both have better things that they can be doing right now? 

“Not sure if I’m gonna rip your head off first or not.” Dr. Mateo grinds slightly into her lap, and Brooke has to resist a groan. 

“Maybe you should just stop arguing every damn meeting and it’ll help.” Dr. Mateo has been truly insufferable at every meeting so far. Not willing to compromise. Normally, Brooke would respect that kind of integrity, but now, when it could interfere with her own practice? She can’t stand it. 

“Maybe you should just give in to what I want to do in the first place.” Dr. Mateo grins and it makes Brooke want to roll her eyes. Instead, she presses a kiss to her neck. 

“I’ll fuck the fight out of you first before ever doing that.” Dr. Mateo whines at Brooke’s words, trying to press herself even closer. Brooke grabs her chin, brings it back to face her so she can kiss her again. Hopefully the words are enough to shut her up already. 

Brooke tugs off Dr. Mateo’s shirt, then her bra, tossing them onto the floor. She watches as goosebumps rise on Dr. Mateo’s skin, and pulls her closer to keep her warm underneath the ever-present air conditioning. 

Pressing kisses along Dr. Mateo’s collarbone, her cleavage, rolling one of her nipples beneath her fingers feels so familiar, so right, as much as Brooke hates to admit it. Dr. Mateo’s so responsive, especially when Brooke already knows her sensitive spots and what affects her the most. 

She could do this forever. 

Though she shouldn’t like it as much as she does. It’s just stress release, nothing more. 

Dr. Mateo pulls on Brooke’s shirt, grumbles when it doesn’t magically come off right away. Brooke snorts, leans forward slightly so that she can get it off along with her own bra. Dr. Mateo wastes no time in raking her hands up her sides, past her ribs, cupping and squeezing her breasts when she leans down to kiss her and Brooke can’t help but whine because how does Dr. Mateo have this sort of effect on her? 

Dr. Mateo isn’t shivering anymore, her body feeling warm under Brooke’s touch. She grinds down more into Brooke’s lap and for a second Brooke is reminded of their shared apartment years and years ago, when they’d both come home from classes in their junior year of university and end up making out on the couch while ignoring the movie that they’d have put on to unwind. 

Brooke remembers the way that she’d hold her every night and wrap her arms around her as they fell asleep, letting their worries about med school admissions and grades and everything else just fall away. Their pets would be curled up on top of their blankets, Riley snoring and Henry and Apollo tucked up by their legs. 

The memory jolts Brooke for a second and she breaks the kiss without meaning to, staring up at her with wide eyes. Dr. Mateo is still the same Vanessa no matter how much Brooke doesn’t want her to be, the same eyes and same smile and same inquisitive look that’s on her face right now that she’d wear back then, too. 

Vanessa tilts her head slightly, looking at her with a question in her eyes. “What?” 

“Nothing.” It’s nothing, it doesn’t matter. She can compartmentalize. They’re not the same now. They’re not. 

Brooke can do strictly sex. It’s been good for them so far, helping to work out some of the tension between them that arises without fail. She hasn’t had such a good lay in ages. 

But then Vanessa leans down to kiss her again and her mind feels like it’s running at a million miles an hour, remembering their relationship and the four years of laughter and stress and leaning on each other and so much _ love. _

Brooke really had loved her. 

Vanessa had been the first person that Brooke had said ‘I love you’ to. Also the last. Of course, the words and the life they had began to build together had crumbled brick by brick, leaving nothing but smoking ruins from which they had to pick up the pieces and move on. 

Brooke’s built a new life now. A successful one. 

But having Vanessa this close to her again, she wants to fit her in there, too. No matter how much the rational part of her brain is telling her not to. 

“Tell me what you want.” The words come out softer than Brooke intends them to, but they make Vanessa let out a sigh just the same. Brooke brings her face towards her to kiss her and it’s deep but it’s gentle, not biting or hard but one that makes Brooke want to pull her even closer. 

“Do you want my mouth on you, baby? Do you want me to eat you out on your desk? Tell me.” Vanessa whines at Brooke’s words, pushes her hips lower onto her lap. All that Brooke wants to do is to give her whatever she wants, like nothing else matters other than making Vanessa happy. 

“Need you to keep kissing me. Please.” Vanessa wraps her arms around Brooke’s neck, and Brooke feels warm, too warm, like she’s a star at its brightest, about to burn out. But if this is how she goes? What a way to die. 

Vanessa unwinds one of her hands from her neck and grabs her wrist, moves Brooke’s hand down until it’s at her waistband, and then Brooke gets it. Knows what she wants. 

Brooke kisses her deep and slow as she tugs Vanessa’s pants down, cups her through the cotton of her panties. Vanessa pushes herself against her hand, trying to find more friction and moaning into the kiss and Brooke pulls back, pressing her forehead against hers. “Patience, Ness.” 

Brooke wants to make this last forever, have it never end because if it does then it means that she has to think about it, face up to what they’re doing and how badly she needs her despite the fact that she _ shouldn’t. _But it feels so right, having her in her arms, so open and wanting and needy just for her. 

“Need you Brooke, please.” Vanessa’s whimper is all desperate into her mouth, and the only reason that Brooke hears her is because they’re so close, so pressed together, breathing the same breath. “Wanna ride you.” 

Vanessa doesn’t break the kiss when she sinks down onto two of Brooke’s fingers. Brooke can feel the way Vanessa’s hands fist in her hair as she lets out a breath into her mouth, the tug a sensation strong enough to ground her. Vanessa lifts her hips up slightly before pushing herself back down, her grip tightening when Brooke scissors her fingers. Brooke moves her kisses down to Vanessa’s neck, feels the way Vanessa buries her face into her shoulder. She matches the movements and speed of her hand with Vanessa’s, and the synchronicity makes it feel like they have twin heartbeats, beating at the same time as if they’ve never been out of rhythm with each other at all. 

“More, B. Need more.” Vanessa mumbles it against her shoulder, and Brooke’s not sure if she’s imagining the way that her voice breaks. 

“Whatever you want.” She adds a third finger, twisting her wrist to get the angle that she knows Vanessa likes and ignoring the burning in her forearm because she’s not going to stop now. Vanessa meets the curl of her fingers, holding her tighter and Brooke hates the tiny part of her mind that never wants Vanessa to let go. 

“B, I-” Vanessa’s cut off in a silent scream, burying her face into her neck and shuddering on top of her and Brooke keeps her movements up, pressing kisses to her hair and wherever she can reach. 

Vanessa lets out a small whimper when Brooke pulls her fingers back and kisses her temple. She lifts her face up and Brooke looks at her and her breaths are so shallow, her eyes so wide and Brooke’s sure that her own expression is the same, full of questions and things left unsaid and so many feelings threatening to spill out like a river if they let the dam break. 

Brooke bites her own lip, wanting to pull Vanessa back in for another kiss, but she needs to say something, anything to her first. “Nessa-”

_ Beep beep beep beep- _

Brooke lets out a groan. Her pager keeps going off, unrelenting and insistent no matter how much she wishes she could just block it out, never pick it up if it means that she’d have to leave. 

But she has to. 

“I-”

“Yeah.” 

Vanessa climbs off of her lap, shaky on her legs as she hands Brooke the pager from where she’d dropped it onto the desk earlier. She returns the call but the words on the other end of the line are so far away, so hard to focus on. 

“I have to go.” Brooke doesn’t want to meet Vanessa’s eyes as she says it, because she doesn’t know what’s just happened, what they’ve just done. This hadn’t been like their other quick fucks in each other’s offices, hadn’t just been stress release. 

This had been different. 

When she does look up at her, Vanessa’s brow is gently furrowed with worry lines and she’s biting her lip. Brooke knows then that she feels it too. The change. 

It scares Brooke as she leaves the office. The vulnerability, the closeness. The intense need for Vanessa that feels like it’s coming from deep in her chest, unmatched by anything else that she’s ever felt before.

She’s still going to try to push it down, because how can they do this again and survive a second time? It would certainly end them both. She deserves better. Vanessa deserves better. 

But, at the same time, they deserve each other. _ Need _each other. It’s been ages, so many years but she hasn’t felt this type of longing in her soul for a long time. Not with any ex-girlfriends after Vanessa, not after she’d closed up her heart. 

Except now it feels ripped open, exposed. In danger. Vulnerable for anyone to come in and break, to destroy. 

She wraps her heart up in gauze, tucks it back where it should be as she heads down the hallway, to the ward that paged her for a consult. She can keep it safe, protected for now. Even if the protection is paper thin.


	8. chapter eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Where’s Asia?” Vanessa looks at the spot beside Kameron and is surprised to see it empty, because the two of them are not far from being attached at the hip when they aren't with patients.
> 
> Kameron huffs. “On a date. Again.”
> 
> An interesting fact indeed. It’s Asia’s third date just this week, and coincidentally the third day of Kameron walking - no, stomping - around the cardiac units with an extra furrow in her brow. 
> 
> Hell, Vanessa needs a distraction from her own love life - or rather, lack of one, so she may as well bother Kameron about hers. 
> 
> “That seems to be making you feel some type of way, huh?” Vanessa wants to tread carefully because she knows that she’s best friends with Asia, but the way that Kameron is affected seems like-
> 
> “I’m not jealous, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Kameron’s a bit quick in her answer, fiddling with her hands. “Asia just goes out with all of these...lame guys and never seems to enjoy it, anyway, from the way she always comes over for a glass of wine afterwards to talk about it and it’s just...annoying. That’s all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the recent lovely reviews and feedback on this fic! It makes me so, so happy every time, and even more motivated to keep going. I appreciate you all so much. Thank you Writ for beta-ing this and being wonderful.

(then)

“C’mon, Mami. Please tell me _ something _cool that’s happened at work recently.”

“Patient confidentiality, baby. Not gonna happen.” Vanessa’s mom ruffles her hair, making her scowl. “Can’t be spilling stuff to just anyone.”

“But I’ll understand so much more now! We had our cardio unit in physiology and I aced it.” Vanessa swings her legs on the side of her mom’s bed, watching her pack a sweater in her bag before her night shift. 

“Already told you, I can tell you all about the cardiac ICU and what it’s like being on the unit, but no patient-related things. Gotta wait till you’re working in a hospital yourself for that part.” Vanessa’s mom pulls her hair up into a bun, away from her face. 

“That’s not going to be until forever.” Vanessa sighs. She wishes she could fast forward to being an intern or a resident _ now. _

“Tell you what. Want me to talk to the cardiologist on the unit about maybe shadowing him? You can see what it’s like, then.” Vanessa’s mom straightens out her light blue scrubs. Vanessa wishes sometimes she could try them on, but it would feel a little _ too _on the nose. 

“Would that even work? I thought you have to apply through official channels and stuff.” Vanessa has already applied to some hospitals in the new year for volunteering, but none of them are going to be in cardio, which is what she really wants to see. 

“Connections always help, mija. Having a nurse for a mom has got to be useful for something.” Vanessa grins at her mom's statement. Her mom is definitely why she’s always been drawn to healthcare, seeing her in and out of scrubs for most of her life. 

“Though it beats me why you won’t just apply for nursing,” Vanessa’s mom continues, “it’s practical and you’ll have to do less school and you’ll get to make money faster. And no cutting people open.”

Vanessa wrinkles her nose. They’ve had this conversation way too often for her liking. “But night shifts, like the one you’re going to right now. And cleaning up poop.”

“You’ll have night shifts as a resident too, y’know, if you try and become a doctor. They’re unavoidable.” 

“All worth it if I get to cut people open eventually.” Vanessa shoots a cheeky grin at her mom when she swats her with her bag. 

“What are you, Dr. Frankenstein or something? Gross.” Vanessa’s mom makes a face at her. “I’m telling you, there’s something off about all the surgeons at the hospital. They’re all a little cuckoo in the head.” 

Vanessa tries not to laugh. “I bet they think the same thing about the nurses.”

“Oh, they wouldn’t dare. We could kick their asses in a second. Not that we’d ever say that to their faces. Don’t tell them.” Vanessa’s mom points a finger at her. 

“When would I ever see the surgeons?” 

“I’m gonna get you to shadow one of them, aren’t I? Mom of the year. Pay attention.” 

“You really are, Mami.” Vanessa stands up, placing a kiss on her mom’s cheek. “Have a good shift.”

Vanessa’s mom waves her off. “And don’t you forget it. We’ll see about it being a good shift, though. Depends on which bobo day nurse I take over from today.” 

Vanessa’s mom pulls on her coat, then hat and gloves, grumbling the whole while. “Damn winter weather. Remind me why we live in Brampton again?”

“Because of your job.”

“Eh.” Vanessa’s mom shrugs. “Now that you and Julio are both out of the house, maybe I should just move to Florida or something. Somewhere warm. Not a place that’s frozen over half of the year.” 

“Then I wouldn’t be able to visit you during the holidays!” Vanessa protests her mom’s statement, hands on her hips. It’s not like they’d be able to afford constant plane tickets either. 

“Take it easy, mija, I wasn’t being serious.” Vanessa’s mom shoots her a good natured look. 

Vanessa huffs. “I know.”

“Glad to know you would miss me, though. You better.” Vanessa’s mom grabs her car keys, nearly drops them in her gloved hands. 

Vanessa snorts. “Don’t gloat about it too much. Now go before you’re late for work.”

“Going, going.” Vanessa’s mom pops her head back inside a second later. “Don’t forget to make the plátanos tonight. We’re going to be too swamped to do them before Christmas dinner tomorrow.” 

“I won’t!” Vanessa calls it out long after her mom closes the door behind her, rolling off of the bed. She heads to the family computer in the living room, which Julio is _ still _sitting at after playing games on it for most of the day. She rolls her eyes. Her older brother is absolutely addicted to it. All she wants to do is be able to talk to Brooke.

“Julio, _ move! _It’s my turn now.” She stomps her foot too, not that it makes any difference because he doesn’t even look up from the game on the screen. 

“Nope.” He pops his lips on the last letter. “I still gotta beat this level.”

“Ugh.” Vanessa rolls her eyes at him, leaning against the monitor. “Do you ever do anything other than play stupid games on this thing?”

“I’m in engineering, dumbass, of course I do.” Julio looks up, his grin smug, making Vanessa huff. Annoying brothers. “I’m enjoying my winter break.”

Vanessa crosses her arms. “I wanna talk to-”

“I don’t care. You have to wait.” 

“I’ve been waiting all _ day._” Vanessa grumbles. She perks up suddenly when remembering exactly what can make him move. “If you don’t move, I’m gonna tell Mami about the time when you were in Grade 12 when you snuck out and went to Noah Fielding’s party and-”

“Do _ not. _” Julio turns from the computer, wide-eyed, pointing a finger at her. “You know she’d still beat my ass for that.”

“Well,” Vanessa shoots him a smug smile, “guess you gotta move then, huh?”

“Fine. Jesus.” Julio grumbles under his breath as he gets up, shuffling to the kitchen. Vanessa takes his seat with a grin.

She logs onto MSN messenger, scanning through her contacts while looking for one very specific person. 

“Yes!” Vanessa can’t help but let out a little whoop when she sees that Brooke is online.

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: Brooke!!! <3 _

_ BLDancer1: V! I miss you so much! _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: I miss u too :( this break has been so long _

_ BLDancer1: Way too long. :( _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: what are you up to?? _

_ BLDancer1: We’re going to midnight Mass later tonight because of Christmas Eve. I gotta get ready soon, ugh. _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: sounds boring tbh _

_ BLDancer1: It is! I’d much rather be asleep, honestly. _ _   
_ _ Vanjievanjievanjie: nerd _

_ BLDancer1: Like you stay up much later than me! What are you up to? _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: not doing much for Christmas Eve cuz my mom’s working, just me and my brother and my dog rn but tmrw we have lots of fam over _

_ BLDancer1: That sounds more fun than our Christmas dinners. It’s just my family all sitting around the table and eating quietly like every other dinner. _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: ew that sounds stiff. how’s the fam tho?? _

She hasn’t met Brooke’s family, knows very little about them. Brooke always gets more sad and shifty whenever her family is brought up, so Vanessa tries not to do it too much. Though asking over MSN may be better than in person. 

_ BLDancer1: The usual. They said I need to exercise more and tutted about how my grades still aren’t as high as they should be. Not much else. _

Vanessa winces. Yikes. Brooke had been fretting about going home the entire week before they left for Christmas break, hanging around Vanessa’s room because she hadn’t wanted to be alone with her thoughts. Vanessa doesn’t know exactly what Brooke’s family is like to make her feel this way, but it makes her want to fight them all.

Not that _ that _would be a good first impression on them. 

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: sorry baby :(((( sending u a big hug from here _

_ BLDancer1: It’s okay. They’re right, I need to be better. _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: you’re already perfect u angel _

_ BLDancer1: Not as much as I should be, though. My grades weren’t good enough this semester. _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: u got the top marks in our class u loon _

_ BLDancer1: My mom said they’re not high enough to get into med school, though. _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: what does she know?? ur already working ur ass off, you’ll do it _

_ BLDancer1: I feel like there’s always more to do, like I’m not doing enough. _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: listen come here so I can yell at you about how ur already a genius, u dumbass _

_ BLDancer1: LOL, that’s a contradicting statement. _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: u know what I mean. _

_ BLDancer1: Ugh. I do. I just hate being here and hearing them lecture me constantly about things. _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: :((( _

Vanessa spams a lot of emojis after her message for emphasis, hoping that it makes Brooke laugh at least.

_ BLDancer1: What is the blueberry emoji for? _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: because i miss u BERRY MUCH _

_ BLDancer1: LOL. I miss you and you remain the cutest ever. :* _

_ Vanjievanjievanjie: 5 more days to go!! _

_ BLDancer1: I’m counting them down. <3 _

Vanessa has to stop herself from smiling when she signs off after Brooke has to leave. Five more days until she gets to see her, hug her, kiss her again. Five more days until she can go back to telling Brooke how she’s already wonderful just the way that she is, no matter what her family says. She hopes that Brooke starts to believe it, too. 

* * *

(now)

Nessa.

Dr. Hytes had called her Nessa again. Brooke had called her _ Nessa. _

Vanessa hasn’t heard the nickname since junior year of undergrad. No one else has called her that since then, no ex-girlfriends or family or anything. No one since Brooke. 

It’s what Brooke used to call her when she was feeling particularly affectionate, or soft, or needy. When she’d drape herself over Vanessa, seeking comfort in her touch and the way that both of their bodies would feel warmer, safer. 

And now she’s gone and said it again. 

Sure, maybe it had been in the heat of the moment. Banging on Vanessa’s desk, skiving off the boring assembly for something way more fun. 

But that sex had been different, Vanessa knows it. She had felt it on Brooke’s lap and she still feels it now, two days later because all her fucking brain wants to replay on loop is Brooke’s voice saying _ Nessa. _

Maybe it’s good that the OR has been overly booked with cardiac surgeries and that Dr. St. Clair is out sick, making Vanessa’s schedule overflow with work. She needs the distraction, needs concrete work to focus on because if she doesn’t have it, she’s going to fucking spiral.

Not that it helps, because even during surgeries her mind has started to wander, falling back on muscle memory for the procedures because her brain has decided that it would rather focus on that fucking voice. 

She can’t do this again. At least, that’s what the rational part of her brain is telling herself. That her breakup with Brooke had been her worst breakup for a reason, drudging up all of her insecurities and fear and crushing her heart with a weight on her chest until it had smashed into a million pieces. 

She can’t survive it a second time. She can’t. 

Because sex is one thing. The chance to get freaky with someone who already _ knows _her body, knows what she likes, knows what to do. Someone who has no doubt improved over the last eleven years as well.

But the way that Brooke had held onto her that last time, whispered to her softly, pressing kisses to her temple that hadn’t just been offhand, but felt so loaded with unspoken words? It had felt so real in the moment, and still feels real now when she thinks about it. Mostly because she can’t stop thinking about it. 

_ Nessa. _

Not Dr. Mateo, not Vanessa - the latter of which Brooke had began to use before they had broken up, when they had danced around each other and said words that neither of them had been able to take back.

Nessa.

It has to mean something.

Vanessa hates how much she wants it to. How much her heart is begging to go back to the start, to how things used to be. She needs to resist it. 

At least, that’s what she’s going to keep telling herself. 

“Vanjie. _ Vanjie.” _

“What?!” She nearly jumps when seeing Kameron suddenly in front of her waving a hand in front of her face, blocking her view of the computer she’s sitting at in the dictation room. “Jesus Christ, woman. You scared me.” 

Kameron snickers and Vanessa can’t help but smile back as she rolls her eyes, taking her thoughts of Brooke and pushing them away, burying them down in favour of Kameron’s expectant face. She’s beginning to bond with the cardiac surgery team in and out of the OR, a fact that makes her happier than it should. They’re all on a first name basis (well, nickname for her), and they’ve begun to hang out after work. Little things that are beginning to make Toronto feel more like home again.

“You’ve been so on edge for days. What’s gotten into you?” Kameron raps her nails on the computer monitor, and Vanessa closes her open tab with a sigh. Clearly she’s not going to get much work done.

“Nothing. Just tired, is all. This week’s been a fucking mess with the long hours.” Vanessa shrugs up at her. She can already feel a tension headache brewing at her temples, though she knows it’s not just from the workload. 

Sure, they’re all friends now. But does she want to spill the saga of whatever the fuck is going on with her and Brooke to a work friend? Not particularly.

“You’re telling me. It’s nine p.m. and we’re still here because of all this documentation left over that we still have to do because of all the extra OR time we’ve had to take on this week? I want to go to bed.” Kameron flops down in the chair beside her looking slightly put out. 

“Where’s Asia?” Vanessa looks at the spot beside Kameron and is surprised to see it empty, because the two of them are not far from being attached at the hip when they aren't with patients.

Kameron huffs. “On a date. Again.”

An interesting fact indeed. It’s Asia’s third date just this week, and coincidentally the third day of Kameron walking - no, stomping - around the cardiac units with an extra furrow in her brow. 

Hell, Vanessa needs a distraction from her own love life - or rather, lack of one, so she may as well bother Kameron about hers. 

“That seems to be making you feel some type of way, huh?” Vanessa wants to tread carefully because she knows that she’s best friends with Asia, but the way that Kameron is affected seems like-

“I’m not jealous, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Kameron’s a bit quick in her answer, fiddling with her hands. “Asia just goes out with all of these..._lame _guys and never seems to enjoy it, anyway, from the way she always comes over for a glass of wine afterwards to talk about it and it’s just...annoying. That’s all.”

“Jealousy or not, it’s clearly upsetting you a little.” Oh, has Vanessa _ been _ there. Crushing on a straight girl. Not something she’d ever want to repeat. 

“Hmph.” Kameron folds her arms, and the action when contrasting with her scrubs and lab coat is a little funny. “It’s not. She’s just my best friend. I don’t care.” 

“You’re so convincing, I almost believed you there for a second.”

Kameron scowls. “I don’t.”

“Hey.” Vanessa takes pity, putting her hand on Kameron’s shoulder. “Care or not, you ever want to talk about it, I’m here, ‘kay? I get it.” 

Kameron deflates in her seat. “Thanks. Not that I _ need _to talk about it,” she’s quick to add, “but I appreciate it.”

Vanessa shoos her away. “I know. Now go, I gotta finish dictating this report.” 

She can hear Kameron’s snort as she heads down the hallway, and can’t help but smile either as she shakes her head. Kameron’s unrequited crush, no matter how much the other doctor doesn’t want to admit it, is cute. Though not something Vanessa pities in the least - she’s glad she’s moved on from that stage in her life. 

Kameron’s problems are enough to distract her to get her through the rest of her reports, her mind blissfully clear of her own issues (she can’t start thinking about Brooke again, she can’t). It isn’t until she’s home a few hours later, setting her alarm for the morning that she realizes the next day is Thursday. Her next meeting with Brooke and the team about the surgery. Where she _ has _to see her again.

Shit.

* * *

Grabbing an extra coffee before the meeting hadn’t been the smartest idea, something that Vanessa is beginning to realize the longer and longer she has to sit in this conference room while fighting the urge to bounce her leg in her seat. 

The anesthesiologist is droning on and on, his nasally voice making Vanessa cringe. She has ten minutes before he’s done his explanation to the patient, family, and the rest of the surgery team. It’s going to be her turn straight after, having to review the patient’s tachycardic issues and the precautions that the team will have to keep in mind. 

Except that her brain is running _way _too fast and circling through her thoughts at what feels like a million miles an hour, and she’s trying to look down at her notes and pay attention to them while listening to the meeting at the same time, but all she can focus on is Brooke. 

Brooke, who is sitting at the other end of the table, looking incredibly focused and calm and is participating in the discussion as if she doesn’t have a care in the world. Brooke, who greeted her when she came in with a neutral smile and a handshake as if they didn’t have the most confusing sex the last time they were in each other’s presence. 

Brooke isn’t shaking in her seat the way Vanessa is, nor are her eyes darting around the rest of the room. She’s not stuttering on her words, not like Vanessa did when the patient’s wife had asked her a question and she missed half of it. 

How is Brooke so unflappable?

“Dr. Mateo?”

“Huh?”

The case manager is looking at her expectantly and _ shit, _it’s her turn to speak and she hasn’t even noticed. 

Vanessa can feel the blush rising in her cheeks as she clears her throat, trying as best as she can to not make eye contact with Brooke. 

Of course, Brooke’s direction is exactly where Vanessa looks as soon as she starts her spiel. Her blonde waves are falling down her shoulders and her head is slightly tilted as she fixes her steady gaze on Vanessa, and it’s enough to make her pause for a second, stumble on her words. A real great look for a cardiothoracic attending surgeon. 

Vanessa finds it difficult to look away from Brooke as she continues talking, her eyes somehow always straying and returning back to her. As if Brooke is a homing beacon that pulls her back in every time, one that Vanessa can’t seem to change her course from no matter how hard she tries to do so. 

Brooke doesn’t shift her gaze away either. Vanessa can’t tell if the way that Brooke bites her lip and the storm that’s brewing behind her eyes are real or just in her imagination, as if she’s projecting what she’s feeling - what she _ wants _to feel - onto Brooke. 

Hell, Vanessa’s not even sure what she herself is feeling anymore. 

She can’t stop herself from tugging on Brooke’s arm as the meeting ends, holding her back while everyone else around them leaves. Brooke turns around and for a second Vanessa wonders if she’s made a mistake, because being so close to her and seeing confusion and _ pain _and emotions that she doesn’t recognize on Brooke’s face are nearly enough to knock her over.

Brooke shuts the door as the last person leaves, and maybe it’s good that they’re now both on their lunch break because there’s no way Vanessa can even think about work. Not when Brooke is taking a step closer to her, then another, lips parted as if she wants to say something but she’s still holding back. 

“What are we doing?” Vanessa can’t help the pleading tone in her voice, because she doesn’t know, has no _ idea _and she’s so fucking confused.

“I…” Brooke’s voice trails off as her eyes search Vanessa’s face, breath hitched and Vanessa wants to scream, because if Brooke doesn’t know, then what are they supposed to do? She can’t take this state of limbo anymore, walking on a tightrope that feels like it’s losing stability, becoming more shaky the more that they try to balance on it. 

Brooke puts her hand underneath her chin, tilts her head up and Vanessa is sure that Brooke can see the way that her chest is rising and falling, the air feeling like its escaping her lungs faster than she’s able to bring it in. 

It’s almost predictable when Brooke kisses her, wipes the slate of her mind clean with the way her hands come to rest on either side of her face. Vanessa can’t help but stretch up on her tiptoes, sighing into the kiss because it feels right, it feels okay, even though her brain is screaming _ no, no, no. _

It’s not going to solve things, but what does it matter? When Brooke pulls her hips in closer and they press together like two puzzle pieces that somehow fit as if they were never meant to be apart. The smell of Brooke’s shampoo, the softness of her hands, it’s all so familiar and part of memories that still haven’t been erased from her brain no matter how much she had tried to do so when they broke up. It’s all coming back to her now, resurfacing as if she’d never buried them out of anger in the first place.

Maybe it’s a bit destructive, especially because now it’s not just sex, or releasing tension. Not for her, not anymore. 

The realization sinks in deep into Vanessa’s chest when Brooke starts to kiss down the column of her neck, hands trailing down her sides and lips pressing against her hip bone as she gets on her knees when she pushes her shirt up and-

She can’t do it.

Not like this. Not right now. 

“No.” Vanessa pushes on Brooke’s shoulders and Brooke moves back immediately, wide eyed and hair slightly mussed and an apology on her lips that begins to spill but Vanessa doesn’t hear it, not with the realization that this is all it will be. Sex.

Vanessa had thought that she could do it, she really did. Except that now her heart feels like it’s being tugged, pulled towards Brooke, someone who doesn’t want her for more than that because why would she? That isn’t their arrangement. Never was. The expectations have been to have no strings attached.

Which is something that Vanessa had thought was possible. Though she should have known better - as if her heart will ever able to release the ropes that it had tied to Brooke back when they first started university.

She pushes her way out of the conference room on shaky legs, ignoring Brooke’s voice from behind her that she can’t tell what she’s saying because her brain isn’t working, not right now. The signs down the long hallway start to blur together as she tries to look up and find the way to her office because where the _ fuck _is it, she can’t break down in the hall, she’s an attending, what will everyone say? But then she’s there and slamming the door behind her, leaning against it because her legs can’t do something as simple as holding her up right now. 

“Vanessa. _ Vanessa.” _ The voice on the other side is a little desperate (no, no, _ no) _ , with the banging of a fist on a door that follows makes her squeeze her eyes shut tight. She wants to disappear, make it as if none of this happened and as if she never even came back in the first place because of _ course _she was naive enough to think that she could be back here with no problems. 

Vanessa had thought that she’d freed herself. But now, she realizes that she hasn’t. She never had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops?


	9. chapter nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Shit. That was the alarm I set to catch my bus.”
> 
> Vanessa’s arms tighten around her waist. “Don’t leave.”
> 
> “I wish you could come with me, somehow.” Brooke sighs, hugging Vanessa tighter too. Vanessa’s so good at calming her down by just being in her presence, making her feel like things are going to always be okay. 
> 
> “Me too. Shut that damn beeping off, though.” Vanessa’s voice is muffled into her sweater, face buried in the hug, and Brooke snorts. She lets go, tugs Vanessa along so she can turn off the alarm on her bedside table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the wonderful feedback on the last chapter! I appreciate it so, so, much, comments make my heart incredibly full. Thank you writ for being a wonderful beta as always <3

(then) 

“Gonna miss you.” Vanessa’s voice is soft from where her head is resting on Brooke’s lap, and it makes Brooke absolutely melt. 

“I’m gonna miss you too, Ness.” Brooke runs her fingers through Vanessa’s hair, an action that makes Vanessa snuggle into her and let out a contented sigh. She wishes that she didn't have to let her go. 

“Just a long weekend, though. Then you’ll be back.” Vanessa beams up at her. “I’m excited for it already.”

Brooke can’t help but grin back, because Vanessa’s smile remains the cutest thing in the world to her. “You sap. Me neither. My cousin’s wedding will be over and done with before we know it.” 

“Send me hot pictures of you in your fancy dress for the wedding.” 

Brooke wrinkles her nose. “Are you kidding? My mom’s probably picked something out already that’ll be appropriate for a church wedding. It’s not going to be hot in the least.”

“You’re always hot to me. Even in your little church dress.” Vanessa wiggles her eyebrows at her and Brooke can’t help but poke her shoulder.

“Shut up.” 

Vanessa sticks her tongue out at her. “Make me.”

“Have you forgotten I know exactly where you’re ticklish?” Vanessa’s off of Brooke’s lap the second that the words leave her lips. 

“Don’t you even  _ think  _ about it!” Vanessa shrieks and moves to Detox’s side of the room, flopping onto her bed. 

Brooke rolls off of her bed too, wrapping Vanessa in a hug instead. “I won’t use my powers for evil for now, at least.” 

Vanessa pouts up at her from her position. “I still can’t believe you don’t get ticklish.” 

“My superpower.” Brooke grins, though it quickly turns into a frown when her alarm clock goes. “Shit. That was the alarm I set to catch my bus.”

Vanessa’s arms tighten around her waist. “Don’t leave.”   


“I wish you could come with me, somehow.” Brooke sighs, hugging Vanessa tighter too. Vanessa’s so good at calming her down by just being in her presence, making her feel like things are going to always be okay. 

“Me too. Shut that damn beeping off, though.” Vanessa’s voice is muffled into her sweater, face buried in the hug, and Brooke snorts. She lets go, tugs Vanessa along so she can turn off the alarm on her bedside table. 

“I gotta go.” 

Vanessa stretches on her tiptoes, kisses her. “Don’t miss me too much.”

Brooke snorts. “Please. You’ll miss me more.” Though she can’t deny that she will, even if it’s just for four days. God, they’re already too codependent on each other. Brooke would consider it a problem if she didn’t enjoy it so much.

The bus ride is simultaneously too long and not long enough, knowing that the destination is just bringing her closer to the weekend. Brooke wishes she could just fast forward to Monday, when she’s going to be back at uni and back in her dorm. With Vanessa, with the rest of their friends. 

She stumbles off of the bus with suitcase in tow, intent on walking the rest of the way home. She hadn’t wanted to ask anyone from her family to pick her up - it would just have been an awkward car ride, anyway. She’s going to get enough uncomfortable family moments this weekend as it is.

The front door opens when she reaches the entrance, making her raised hand fall down on its own before she can even knock. 

“Mom?” 

“You’re late. Come set the table, it’s almost dinner.” Her mom snaps the words at her, turning on her heel. 

Welcome home, indeed.

* * *

The four pale pink walls of Brooke’s childhood bedroom had once acted as her getaway. She would lie on her bed as a kid, her mind dreaming up different scenarios of being a famous ballerina, a knight with a pet dragon, an astronaut. Somewhere where she was powerful, in control of everything around her and also loved. She’d always have her happy ending, get to kiss the princess before her young brain even knew it was considered wrong by some.

The walls are suffocating her now, two days into her stay. The room is a memory of the way she’d try to cry as softly as she could as a kid, trying not to make any noise into her pillow. The way she’d pop painkillers to numb the ache in her muscles from overuse, ballet wearing down her body too fast for someone who hadn’t been fully grown. The way she’d squeeze her eyes shut tight, ignoring the arguments that she could still hear no matter how hard she tried to block them with her dreams of prettier stories than her own. 

Being back here feels like the walls are pushing down on her, closing her up in a box that had succeeded in containing her for eighteen years. Except now she’s had a taste of life outside of the box, and she never ever wants to come back. 

Her Blackberry beeps and she picks it up from its spot on her pillow, and can’t help but smile when she sees that it’s a text from Vanessa. She can almost imagine the other girl lying on her bed, pink Motorola RAZR phone in both hands as she types faster than Brooke ever could.

_ VM: my mom got the pics from Christmas developed!!!! _

_ VM: look at my wack ass fam _

The picture is absolutely chaotic, everyone in the group smiling, laughing, or, in Vanessa’s case, yelling at the person taking the photo. They’re all in colourful ugly Christmas sweaters, some with Santa hats, some with reindeer ears. 

_ VM: my mami’s the one wearing the fake Santa beard LOL  _

_ BLH: Oh my god. You look just like her. _

The woman beside Vanessa in the photo really does look like an adult Vanessa, though with hair that is a few shades lighter. She has an arm around Vanessa who looks tiny beside her, their oversized sweaters nearly taking them over. 

_ BLH: Who else is who? _

_ VM: well, there’s julio, my brother, he’s the one wearing the dumbass elf hat. my abuela, then my tía rosa, her husband enrique, my tío pablo and his husband luis, my tía carmen, my cousins maria and isaac and isabella and daniela and alex. and riley my pup!!! _

_ BLH: Your family is huge, omg. _

_ VM: not even all of them. these are just the ones who could make it to christmas dinner  _

The photo makes Vanessa’s house look so fun, so welcome, so opening and inviting. Brooke zooms in on the photo, looks at their individual faces that look like they’re having a blast.

_ BLH: Wait, did you say your uncle and his husband? _

_ VM: yeah they’re married!! caused a big drama when tío pablo brought him home the first time but now everyone loves him and their wedding was the best. and my mami wasn’t as mad when i came out to her lol  _

_ BLH: you’re out to her? _

_ VM: yeah!!! a couple years ago i came out she cried for two days then got over it lol  _

Wow. Brooke’s wondering why they’ve never had this conversation before. Brooke knows that Vanessa senses her discomfort around talking about her own family, and tactfully doesn’t ask her much. Vanessa always talks about her own, though, recounting her constant bickering with her brother and her mom’s trash talking at the wheel. 

_ BLH: Wow. That’s great, though.  _

_ VM: ya, she still wants grandkids tho _

_ VM: says riley doesn’t count >:(  _

_ BLH: LOL. He is the biggest furriest baby there is. _

Brooke pets Henry absentmindedly, burying her fingers into his soft fur as he purrs. He’s curled up on the pillow beside her, Apollo resting on her desk chair. Henry and Apollo are the two things that she doesn’t mind about visiting home. She opens the picture from Vanessa again, looking at all of the happy and smiling faces. Looks at her married uncles. It’s a contrast from the family portraits that line the walls in Brooke’s house, ones of her and her parents sitting stone faced, looking poised. Nothing short of practiced and perfect, matching their vibes during the holidays. Quiet, tense dinners, a cloak for the screaming arguments in the late evenings that her parents would get into after having too much to drink and needing to release their pent up resentment towards each other, only to go back to clipped tones the next day, as if nothing had happened. 

The longing in her chest is tangible, a woven rope that makes her want to jump into the picture and have a family like Vanessa’s, one so big and full of life. 

Brooke looks at the way that Vanessa’s grandmother’s arm is wrapped around her uncle’s waist and hugging her son close, and the way that Vanessa is curled into her mom’s side. Brooke wonders if Vanessa has mentioned her to her mom, talked about them at Christmas break. If Vanessa used to mention her past girlfriends, giggle about her dates with her mom.

Would her parents be the same way, if she came out to them, equally supportive and loving? Does she have to? Is she fake if she doesn’t?

She doesn’t want to. Facing their inevitable disappointed expressions, echoing the homilies they’ve heard at Mass about how being gay is wrong, how it means you’re a sinner. How you can’t go to heaven and thus can’t be a good person, if you’re gay.

Do her parents believe that? Would her parents hate her?

How could they, though? Would they hate Vanessa too, someone so sweet and funny and smart and utterly wonderful, just because of preconceptions that they have about her?

She wants a family like Vanessa’s, wants it so, so bad. Wants a house that is loud and full of laughter and ugly Christmas sweaters and one where she can bring her girlfriend home to. One where she’d be able to talk to her mom about anything and everything, where her mom would give her advice and actually give her the time of day. 

Brooke’s fine on her own, in her room. She is. She just wants more. Wishes that she had it more than anything in the world. 

* * *

(now)

“Vanessa. Please.”

Brooke bangs her fist on the door one, two, three times, the door an unmoving barrier that won’t budge as she ignores the patients, nurses, doctors, and technicians that pass by in the hall, because nothing else matters right now. She needs to talk and explain things, find out what made Vanessa push her away and look at her with an expression of horror and confusion alike, because she doesn’t  _ know.  _ It’s replaying in her brain a million times over, chipping away at her insides and she can feel her foundations start to crack, on the route to crumbling if she doesn’t find out. 

Maybe it was the nickname. 

Who was Brooke to even call her ‘Nessa’? A pet name that’s so laden with softness and memories of them from when they were so much younger. Of course Vanessa hadn’t wanted to hear it, they’re different now and they don’t do this and they’ve both moved on. They’re adults, two adults having sex. Nothing more. 

She’s so stupid. She’s slipped up and ruined everything. 

“Please, just talk to me.” Brooke never begs, she doesn’t. But right now she can’t help it as the words leave her lips sounding desperate and broken, ruining any illusion she’s ever wanted to portray of having her shit together. Any semblance of a carefully constructed persona that she carries around with her around the hospital is melting away, because all she can think of is Vanessa on the other side of the door. 

The door doesn’t open. 

Maybe it had been the way she’d pulled Vanessa in for a kiss after the consultation meeting. Maybe Vanessa had wanted to tell her that they were done, that she wanted to end whatever she fuck they were doing. And then Brooke had gone and kissed her, made everything worse. Made Vanessa firm in her decision. 

She’s a fucking idiot. 

Vanessa could probably sense it, all of it. The way that Brooke still fucking feels it, wants more than just sex no matter how much she tries to convince herself that she doesn’t. She hates it. 

Brooke’s tried, the last few days. Attempted to hide her disappointment when Vanessa had to cancel meetings with her when the cardiac units got busy. Held her face back from displaying  _ too  _ much when Yvie had asked her about Vanessa and how they hadn’t seemed to be fighting for the first time in awhile. Brooke’s tried to forget the feeling of Vanessa’s face buried in the crook of her neck, arms gripping onto her like she’s a precious metal, because she’s not Brooke’s to cherish. 

This is why she never does these…things. Doesn’t date anymore, stays far away from anyone that could make her feel more than she should. She doesn’t need it, doesn’t need the connection that feels so good, so right in the moment before shattering her into pieces when it ends. It ruins everything.

And now here she is, hung up over an ex from more than a decade ago, someone who’s been happily over it for just as long, leaving Brooke a fucking mess and banging on a door that she knows won’t open. 

Stupid. 

Brooke watches as her own fist drops from the door, slides down the smooth surface until it’s resting at her side. The telltale numbness that is activated by her brain when she’s feeling too much begins to spread over her heart, her soul. It glazes over the shame, the embarrassment, the rejection, the longing for someone who she shouldn’t be hung up over in the first place. The grey cloud is enough to numb everything, leaving a bulletproof blank slate that is impossible to get through from the outside. 

She doesn’t need anything, or anyone. She’s learned that enough. 

And so she turns on her heel, and she leaves. 

* * *

Brooke does the only thing that she knows how to do when she needs to drown out her thoughts, shut her brain off to avoid the feelings that she doesn’t want to feel - she turns to her work. She takes on more patient referrals than she usually would, filling up her schedule with procedures that require her full attention for hours upon hours. 

The work is methodical, routines that she’s followed a thousand times in her career. Cuts from her scalpel, the buzz of the bone saw, beeps sounding throughout the OR as she directs her team, working together like a miniature ecosystem. Patients that survive, others on the brink of death who pull back because Brooke refuses to sit down until they’re stable. 

Other patients that die on the table and take a piece of Brooke with them when they go.

If her team notices any changes, they say nothing. She doesn’t care, she’s not here for them.

She’s here for work. 

The interns piss her off more than usual, making stupid mistakes that are reflective of any medical student, but right now they’re so careless and messing with Brooke’s work, and so what if she yells at them more than she normally does? It makes her feel better afterwards.

It doesn’t stop her from escaping Nina’s scrutinizing gaze, though, her best friend looking equal parts done and worried as they sit in her office at the end of the day. 

“I’ve had three interns email me today about how they can’t work in, and I quote,  _ ‘unsafe work practices.’”  _ Nina looks as if she’s staving off approximately three headaches at once, and Brooke would feel bad if they interns didn’t deserve it. 

Brooke takes a sip of the wine that Nina’s poured for her. “Not my fault that they can’t handle the rigorous workload of being on the neuro units.” If they want to work with the best, they need to be the best. 

She doesn’t need to put up with interns that forget simple suture techniques, or ones that don’t come prepared with answers to the questions that Brooke throws at them. How else are they going to become surgeons?

“Except this is new, Brooke, and you know it. You’re normally a bitch, but a fair one, which is how you’re good with the interns most of the time. But from what they’ve told me now, it sounds like you’re just being plain mean to them.” Nina tugs her glasses off, puts them on the desk before rubbing her temples. 

Brooke shrugs. “They shouldn’t be in surgery if they can’t handle it.”

“No, you’re taking your frustrations out on them. Which I get, but also you’re going to scare all of them away, and the teaching component of this hospital is incredibly vital, and so we need to keep all of these baby doctors without you making them run with their tails between their legs before they can even reach residency.” 

Brooke crosses her arms. “They’re shit baby doctors.”

“That’s a lie, and you know it.” Nina looks up at her, really looks up at her, and it makes Brooke shrink in her seat. Nina’s the only one in the hospital who can actually make her do so. “What on earth is up with you?”

Brooke shrugs. “It doesn’t matter.” It doesn’t, she’s dealing. She’s not going to let Vanessa affect her. 

Nina sighs. “Brooke…”

“Anyway.” Brooke leans forward in her seat, rests her elbows on Nina’s desk. Ignores Nina’s pointed look at her. “You still haven’t told me about the date with Ryan you had last week. You promised me the details.”

It’s a distraction tactic, a flimsy one at best, but it does the job, Nina’s face lighting up at the mention of her new boyfriend. “Well, he said to dress fancy, but not too fancy, right?” 

Brooke nods as she listens to Nina’s excited rambling, the woman at times as easy to redirect as a four year old. The subject is much more palatable than her own fucked up love life - not that she even has one. 

* * *

The shot of tequila creates a smooth burn down the back of Brooke’s throat, the subsequent salt and lime not enough to drown out the overbearing noise that is forever present at Ralph’s. Brooke gestures to the bartender for another shot as Yvie, Scarlet and other members of the neurosurgery team toast to Plastique. 

“Happy birthday, bitch!” Yvie yells the words as she slams down her empty shot glass. “May this be the year that you’re finally not carded.” 

“That’ll probably be never. Everyone thinks I’m twelve years old anyway.” Plastique sighs. “Last week an attending asked me if I needed help finding my family - he thought I was a patient’s kid or something.” 

Brooke can’t help the laugh that bubbles in her throat, something that Plastique immediately catches. “Don’t you start.”

Brooke has to cover her mouth. “Sorry, it’s just hilarious. We have a tween on the neuro team.” She cant help but fully crack up after making eye contact with Yvie.

Plastique pouts. “That’s Dr. Edwards to you. I’m a resident, damn it.” 

“A twelve year old resident? Child prodigies are truly so impressive.” Yvie grins, patting Plastique’s arm. 

“You’re all the worst. The absolute worst.” 

“And yet,” Yvie shrugs, “you love us.”

Plastique grins. “Can’t deny that. Even if you all are pretty much considered elderly at this point.” 

“Careful, or I’m gonna run you over with my walker.” Yvie pokes Plastique’s side, which makes her yelp and poke Yvie right back. 

Brooke snorts. She loves her team, or at least, parts of it. She didn’t want to come out tonight, before being dragged out of her apartment by Yvie and Scarlet (a running theme recently, the two of them refusing to let her rest for even five seconds), but now she’s not so upset that she has. 

Plastique, the newest member of neurosurgery who had started as a resident only a few months ago, already fits in well with the group. Brooke’s glad that she has friends that are at her level - or rather, close to her level, since she does outrank them all as the head of neurosurgery. Ones who she can discuss difficult cases and current research with, topics that someone who doesn’t work in a hospital would be utterly confused about. It reminds her of undergrad, when her and Vanessa would-

No. Not happening. She’s not thinking about that. 

The bartender slides over the other shot that she’s ordered, and Brooke downs it without so much as a wince. The tequila and lime and salt are tangible, existing sensations that help to draw her out of her head, from the clutches of memories and regrets that never seem to leave her alone anymore. 

“Slow down, B.” Yvie tilts her head, brow furrowed. “We got here like, ten minutes ago.”

Brooke shrugs. “Getting a head start, that’s all.” She’s gonna need all the alcohol that she can get on her first night out in awhile.

She’s been coming in early, staying late, overworking herself to shut off her mind, though it hasn’t been working as well as she wants it to. Vanessa’s smile. Vanessa’s moans underneath her. The furrow in Vanessa’s brow ever present in their past meetings. The way Vanessa had pushed her away the last time in the conference room. The way Vanessa hadn’t opened the door, effectively letting her know that she wasn’t interested. Wanted it to end. 

Brooke gets it, really does. Though her heart fucking doesn’t, replaying the moment over and over again since it happened, the knife in her heart twisting more and more every time. 

She needs to get a grip. 

The alcohol flowing in her system is no help, making the conversations that are happening around her louder, the lights brighter, sensations that are exacerbating the very thoughts that she wants to drown out. 

Scarlet pulls out a cupcake, because, being Scarlet, she had picked one up earlier for Plastique’s birthday. Plastique squeals  _ (‘you got double chocolate!’) _ , pulling Scarlet into a hug. Brooke lets out a surprised yelp when she tugs the rest of them in, too, nearly falling off of her stool. 

She peeks over Yvie’s shoulder while still in the hug before her heart drops in her chest, and she wants to close her eyes so that she doesn’t have to register who has just sit down at the other end of the bar. 

Vanessa. 

It seems that Brooke can’t come to Ralph’s without seeing her anymore. 

Brooke can’t tear her eyes away, unable to pull her gaze from the other surgeon in a tan jumpsuit and with waves cascading down her back. She’s laughing, making enough noise with the cardiothoracic surgeons that Brooke has to wonder how she didn’t spot her as soon as she had walked in. 

Vanessa flags down the bartender, batting her eyelids and tilting her head and from the way that the female bartender leans on the counter, flirts back, Brooke knows that it’s going to be on the house. 

The knife in her chest twists a little bit more, hitting a few more veins, making a few more cuts. Not that it matters. 

Brooke is a sucker for punishment, a real lover of making herself feel like shit because she can’t help the way that her eyes drag back towards Vanessa every couple minutes. She looks so carefree and happy, joking around with the other cardiac doctors and does she have her arm around the waist of one of them? 

Vanessa’s so good at making herself at home, no matter the situation that she’s in. She’d been the same way back when they were in school, and Brooke can see that nothing’s changed. She’s like a flame burning bright, drawing everyone in towards her like moths that are mesmerized by her light. Her smiles light up her entire face, and Brooke has to ignore the incessant pangs in her stomach reminding her that she’s not the one who is causing them. 

Vanessa’s fine. Vanessa gets through things, Brooke can see that. She can emerge unscathed and continue to shine, continue to climb up, up, up. She’s not haunted by regrets or things from her past. She knows when to cut off thorns that wrap around her limbs and try to bring her down. Ones like Brooke.

Brooke gets it. Maybe she deserves it. Because Vanessa clearly knows what she wants, and knows that she deserves better. Someone more than Brooke, who can give her love and light and not dysfunction and vicious cycles that only seem to end in destruction. 

Brooke can’t hold Vanessa back anymore. Maybe she’s not meant for it, for anything that can crack her heart open. She had been doing so well, keeping things casual with a few women. No strings attached, no possibility of feelings being developed if she never learned their full names or anything about them. No attachments had meant no chance of those attachments being ripped from her. 

Maybe that’s what she should go back to. Maybe it’s the only thing that she deserves now. 

There’s no angel whispering in Brooke’s ear to stop her from going to chat up a girl (a nurse? a unit clerk?) towards the end of the night a few hours later, one whom she’s fucked before and is always willing for some time in the on call room. Perhaps there’s a little tug in her chest whispering that this girl isn’t Vanessa, won’t ever live up to Vanessa, but she ignores it. Because Vanessa isn’t hers, never will be hers, not anymore. Not for the last eleven years. 

Maybe some quick fucks are all that Brooke is going to get now. She used to be happy with it, encouraged it even, before Vanessa walked into the hospital on her first day and disrupted her carefully crafted life and left her to salvage the broken pieces. 

And salvage she will. Brooke can go back to it, because it’s what worked, it’s what she deserves. She doesn’t have Vanessa anymore.

Brooke doesn’t look up as she leaves to see if Vanessa notices her walk by, her hand on the girl’s back guiding her outside to a waiting Uber. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t. She can go back to her routine, back to not caring, not getting invested. Vanessa isn’t her problem anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will get better for these two, I promise!


	10. chapter ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brooke gives her an innocent look, complete with wide eyes. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
> 
> “Your hand literally just grazed against my boob.”
> 
> “Did not.” 
> 
> “Whose hand was that, then?” Vanessa grins, one that gets even wider when Brooke’s hand gets higher up along her sides again. 
> 
> “The ghost that lives in this dorm? It is an old building, after all.” Brooke gives her an angelic smile, as if she’s not tracing the lace on Vanessa’s bra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the recent feedback! I appreciate it so, so, much, comments make me so happy and just want to make me write more and more. Thank you writ for being a wonderful beta as always <3

(then)

“They’re cute, baby. Stop fiddling with ‘em.” Vanessa looks at Brooke’s reflection in the mirror, her girlfriend sitting on her bed and raising her hand for the tenth time in as many minutes to touch her new bangs. 

“Are you sure? I think I may have gotten a little overzealous in the post-exams haze and made a mistake.” Brooke flips her locks over her shoulder, shaking out her hair. Her bangs frame her face perfectly, and Vanessa has to admit that they’re absolutely adorable on her. 

“See, already mooning over yourself.” Vanessa snorts when Brooke pouts at her through the mirror. “For real. They look amazing on you.” 

Vanessa spots Brooke’s eyes trailing over her in the mirror’s reflection, along with the way they seem to gleam. _ “You _look amazing, did you know that?” Brooke stretches out her hands, making grabby motions towards her. 

Vanessa rolls her eyes but walks over, lets Brooke put her hands all over her leather skirt and rake them on the sides of her tank top, ignoring how good it feels. “I know exactly what you’re doing.”

Brooke gives her an innocent look, complete with wide eyes. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Your hand literally just grazed against my boob.”

“Did not.” 

“Whose hand was that, then?” Vanessa grins, one that gets even wider when Brooke’s hand gets higher up along her sides again. 

“The ghost that lives in this dorm? It is an old building, after all.” Brooke gives her an angelic smile, as if she’s not tracing the lace on Vanessa’s bra. 

“Nope. I don’t want no haunted titties, no thank you.” Vanessa’s declaration makes Brooke laugh and pull her closer. 

Vanessa presses a kiss to Brooke’s lips, lifting her head up to look in the mirror to make sure that her lipstick hasn’t smudged. When she’s satisfied that it hasn’t, she climbs off, ignoring Brooke’s protests. “Come on, baby. We gotta go meet everyone right now. You can undress me later tonight.” 

They walk over to The Maddy, the popular student bar close enough to their dorm building that their feet don’t hurt in their heels from the journey. Vanessa cranes her neck once they’re inside, trying to get a good look over the crowds of people and she can’t help but let out a small huff. 

“Everyone’s too damn tall. B, do you see ‘em?” 

Brooke giggles, making Vanessa shove her side. “You’re short, baby. That’s why you can’t see anyone.”

“Am _ not.” _

“Yeah, you are. And it’s adorable.” Brooke leans down to press a kiss to the top of her head and Vanessa can’t help but melt despite the crack about her height. 

Brooke points at a table across the bar, waving when she catches the eyes of their friends. “Found them! Come on.” 

Vanessa trails behind Brooke, hand intertwined with hers so that the two of them don’t get separated in the throngs of people. 

Silky and A’keria immediately cheer upon seeing the two of them. “You bitches are late! Y’all need to stop fuckin’ so much before we’re all supposed to meet up.” 

“Shut up, Silky.” Vanessa can’t help but holler back at her roommate, snickering when the groups sitting nearby turn towards them to look at the source of the noise. “Ain’t no time we specified! Just said after nine.”

Brooke tugs Vanessa down into a seat beside her, across from Detox and her friends from her media studies classes. 

“Vanjie!” Detox gets up to hug Vanessa, nearly lifting her off the ground when she does. 

“Hello? Your roommate? I’m here too?” Brooke shoots Detox a look, which makes her cackle and high five Vanessa. 

“You too, babe. You know I save the best for last.” Detox goes to hug Brooke, but mouths _ ‘that’s a lie’ _over Brooke’s shoulder to Vanessa, who has to clap a hand over her mouth to keep herself from laughing. 

Detox pulls back. “It’s the bangs. Didn’t recognize you with them. Last time I saw you this morning, you had a forehead.” 

Brooke’s hands immediately fly up to fiddle with them. “Are they too much? They’re totally not working, are they? I shouldn’t have told the hair dresser yes, oh god, now I’m stuck with them, and-” 

Vanessa elbows Brooke’s side. “Relax, B. You look beautiful with them, baby.” She can’t help but lean over to kiss her, and is glad to see Brooke’s face soften as she pulls back and squeezes her hand. 

Detox’s friend that’s sitting across the table points at the two of them. “Gay?”

Brooke wrinkles her nose, and Vanessa feels the way that her grip tightens on her hand. “Yes?” 

The girl grins. “Excellent.”

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “Why you asking?” 

“Cause me too, Detox and Roxxxy here are great but too straight for my gay self. Alaska.” The girl sticks out a hand to shake and Vanessa can feel Brooke relax immediately, as if she had been worried that they’d get a different response.

Conversation flows after that, as they get to know Detox’s friends a little better. The drinks do too, Silky and A’keria slamming down shot glasses on their table and ordering them to drink up. 

“We’re done exams, no more excuses. Especially you, B.”

Brooke shrugs at A’keria’s statement. “Can’t deny that.” She tosses the shot back, making Vanessa’s eyes shoot up to her hairline. Since when does her girlfriend down shots without so much as a wince? 

“I’ve never seen you drink anything other than cider, bitch! Where has this Brooke been all year?” 

Brooke giggles. “Worried about class. You haven’t seen drunk me yet either. Maybe she’ll come out tonight.” 

Brooke had drank in moderation during both semesters, feigning the excuse of having to wake up early in the mornings afterwards to study. Vanessa never pushed her, but it did mean that she always ended up the more drunk and messy one between the two of them.

Vanessa grins. “Now won’t that be a sight.”

* * *

A sight it is. 

“Baby. Baby. You gotta work with me here.”

Vanessa grunts as she wraps an arm around Brooke’s waist, trying to support her weight and keep her from falling. Brooke, for her part, isn’t much help, her tall legs making her drunk self look like a baby giraffe learning how to walk. 

“That was so fun. So, so fun. I love fun.” Brooke giggles as the words leave her mouth, her head lolling to the side and onto Vanessa’s shoulder.

Vanessa snorts. “Do you now? Wait, don’t step in that pothole-” She tugs Brooke around it, bringing them over to less cracked parts of the sidewalk.

“Whoa.” Brooke stops slightly, swaying in place and making Vanessa pause with her. “We live far.”

“We’ve only walked a block, baby.” 

Brooke gives her an indignant look, her mouth dropping open. “That’s like, a million miles away. Too far.”

Vanessa tugs on Brooke’s waist. “You can do it. I believe in you.”

Brooke’s face immediately softens in a way that would make Vanessa _ aww, _ if she didn’t know that Brooke is absolutely wasted. “You do. And I believe in _ you. _” Brooke points a sloppy finger at her. “You can do it.” 

“Do what?” Vanessa has to hold back a laugh at how determined Brooke looks.

Brooke pauses. “I don’t know.”

The rest of the walk goes about the same, Brooke’s aimless drunk babbling providing Vanessa with enough material to tease her about for the next year, at least. She’s never seen Brooke so uninhibited, so unwound, and it’s a sight that she’s going to savour. 

Vanessa herds Brooke into her dorm room, pulling out a pair of pyjamas from her dresser. Brooke, however, pouts at her. “Don’t wanna change.”

“You’ll be comfier in these.” Vanessa feels like she’s negotiating with a toddler, like her baby cousins that come over every Christmas and Easter and want to find the ice cream and chocolate stashed around the house before eating dinner. 

Brooke crosses her arms. “No.” 

Vanessa sighs. She’s gonna need a different tactic. “How ‘bout I help you?” Probably a faster process than Brooke trying to change on her own in this state. 

Brooke tries to wink at her but fails, blinking both of her eyes at the same time and Vanessa has to hold back a laugh. “Trying to undress me, huh?”

Vanessa snorts. “What can I say? You’re irresistible.”

It’s enough, though, for Brooke to let Vanessa pull off her jacket, her dress, and pull on her pyjama shorts and t-shirt. She looks all adorable and sleepy, yawning and her hair all mussed as she blinks and Vanessa wants to snuggle her right then and there.

Brooke tugs on Vanessa’s leather jacket. “You too.” 

“I don’t have pyjamas in your room.” 

Brooke shoots Vanessa a look as if she’s the drunk one. “Wear mine, silly.” As if the suggestion is the most obvious thing in the world. 

Vanessa rolls her eyes, but smiles. “Of course. My mistake.” 

Brooke stumbles towards her dresser, pulling out an oversized pyjama t shirt and holding it up triumphantly. “Found your favourite shirt.” 

Any qualms that Vanessa has about going back to her own dorm room are squashed, because a cuddly Brooke in pyjamas is a sight that is too hard to resist. Detox’s side of the room is empty, the girl probably not coming home until the morning and it’s all Vanessa needs to grab the pyjama shirt from Brooke.

Vanessa tugs Brooke to the bathroom next, wiping off her makeup as best as she can _ (‘the makeup wipe is cold, Ness!’) _and getting her to brush her teeth. Brooke reaches out for her as soon as she snuggles into her tiny twin bed, scooting up against the wall to make space. She pats the area beside her and Vanessa can’t help but melt at the sight. 

Brooke lets out a sigh of happiness when Vanessa climbs in beside her, burying her face against Vanessa’s chest. Vanessa is rarely the big spoon, but something about holding Brooke right now feels so right, so comfortable. As if having her arms around her girlfriend is somehow going to protect her from everything horrible that life is going to throw at her, as if being together means that they’ll be able to keep each other safe and get through everything as a unit. 

It doesn’t take long for Brooke’s eyes to start to flutter shut, for her breathing to slowly become deeper. Vanessa traces her fingers up and down Brooke’s back, a soothing motion that’s about to lull her to sleep, too. 

“Love you, Nessa.” The words come out in Brooke’s sleepy whisper against her shirt, so soft that Vanessa’s not sure if she’s imagined them. 

Vanessa’s fingers involuntarily stop their motions as she looks down at her girlfriend, the one who’s nuzzling her face against her and already falling into dreams that are hopefully soft and happy and full of possibilities. 

Neither of them had said it before now. It’s not that Vanessa hasn’t wanted to - she falls for people hard and fast, her heart quick taken over by feelings quicker than it should be. But Brooke is different - she hasn’t wanted to throw the words at Brooke before she’s ready to hear them. They’ve been together for seven months, seven wonderful amazing months that have made Vanessa’s first year of university more than she could have ever expected. A streak that’s been longer than all of her past relationships, and made her even more scared of disrupting their flow, of the good balance that they have.

So she’s waited. Held back the words, shown her love in other ways, like bringing an iced coffee for Brooke before their shared lectures, braiding her hair out of her face when the layers become too much. 

Vanessa feels it, too, in the way that Brooke pulls her close when she can tell that Vanessa’s feeling overwhelmed. How Brooke lets her vent and rant and rave even when she knows she’s being overdramatic, but letting her get her feelings out and validating them without making her feel nuts. The way that Brooke always brings an extra sweatshirt to their shared lectures because she knows that the lecture hall is cold and that Vanessa will always forget to bring one of her own. The softness and warmth of the sweatshirt and the way it envelops Vanessa, reminding her of Brooke’s hugs. 

They hadn’t said it until now, but they’d shown it to each other. 

But tipsy, sleepy Brooke, snuggled against her chest, has let the words out in a sleepy sigh. Vanessa hates how much it makes her heart soar, how much the words are lifting her up, up, up, and making her feel so protected, so happy. 

They’re just words, but from Brooke? They’re everything. 

“Love you too, baby.” 

Vanessa doesn’t know if Brooke has heard the words during her descent into dreamland, oblivious to her physical surroundings because she’s already snoring softly. She doesn’t care. 

She’ll say them again tomorrow. She will.

* * *

“Sorry B, but you look like absolute shit.” Vanessa has to hold back a laugh at Brooke’s grumpy huff as she slides into the seat across from her in the dining hall. 

Brooke’s bangs are sticking straight into the air on her left side, the rest of her hair a frizzy mess. Her brow is furrowed as she tries to decipher what’s laid out on her tray, eyes squinting and fingers rubbing her temples to lessen her headache. 

“So kind.” Brooke grumbles the words out, flinching when her spoon hits against her bowl of cereal with a _ clink. _“Why is everything so loud?”

“It isn’t. You just drank way too much last night.” Vanessa takes a bite of her breakfast burrito, thoroughly entertained by the sight in front of her.

“Ugh.”

“You remember much?” Vanessa treads lightly with her question. She’s not sure if Brooke does, or if she even wants to. Though she needs to find out.

“I remember arm wrestling that frat boy and beating him. And having a drinking contest with A’keria. And singing Mulan songs with Alaska.” Brooke wrinkles her nose. “Did all of that happen?”

Vanessa snorts. “You bet it did. Your drunk ass is a true entertainer.”

“And then you brought me back home, and helped me get ready for bed, and-” Brooke pauses, looking up at Vanessa with wide eyes. “I didn’t dream that I said-”

“You said ‘em.” Vanessa bites her lip as she looks at Brooke. Does she want to take them back?

“You didn’t say them back? That’s okay.” Brooke looks down, suddenly very interested in her cereal and Vanessa puts her burrito down because _ what? _

“What? No, you goof, I said them back to you right then. God. You were just off in your sleepy dreamland before you could notice. I’ll say them again right here, too.” Vanessa picks her burrito back up, points it at Brooke whose tentative smile is starting to spread across her face.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I love you, B.”

Brooke’s eyes are crinkling in the way that they do when Vanessa knows that she’s really happy and can’t hide it. “Well, good. Because I love you, too. So much.” 

“Good.” Vanessa’s response comes out softer than she intends it to, but she feels like she’s been wrapped in a warm blanket, tucked in with hot chocolate and a soft hug. Protected, warm, safe. 

Her heart feels like it can never, ever possibly be hurt again. Not when Brooke is looking at her like she’s the most important thing in the world.

Because Brooke’s the most important to her now, too. 

* * *

(now)

Vanessa knows the back of that blonde head. 

Her heart feels like it’s dropping, down, down, down in her chest as she watches Brooke leave Ralph’s with her arm around another girl, holding the door open and letting her pass first. Part of Vanessa wants to run, yell after them, yell at Brooke because has she really moved on so fast already? 

But the other half of her expected it, because of course Brooke has. She hadn’t wanted anything else from Vanessa anyway, just sex. 

It’s understandable. 

Brooke’s gonna get it however she wants it. It’s what she does. And she’s allowed to do that, she is. Vanessa can’t stop it.

Though it doesn’t stop Vanessa’s hand from gripping her glass of cider hard enough that she’s not sure if it’s going to shatter into pieces underneath her fingers. The beating of Vanessa’s heart feels like it’s been amplified, echoing louder than the sounds of the bar and the conversations around her because all that matters is that Brooke has moved on. She’s gone. And it’s fine, it is. Except that it’s not. 

She needs another drink. 

* * *

“I shoulda opened the door. I’m a dumbass. A whole dumbass.” Sure, the words are coming out a bit slurred but words are hard sometimes and Vanessa has to tell _ someone. _Kameron and Asia, with arms around her on either side to keep her steady in the backseat of their Uber, seem to be viable candidates to listen. 

“Vanj, imma be honest. I have no idea what the sweet hell you’re on about at the moment.” Asia’s quip makes Kameron laugh, though Vanessa is undeterred. 

“Doors should not be closed.” Vanessa points between them, because they need to know. 

She’s stupid. Real stupid. Maybe if she hadn’t run away and just kept sleeping with Brooke her feelings would have faded on their own and she wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Because that’s how feelings work. Or at least, that’s how they should. Stupid closed door. 

“Feelings fucking suck.” Vanessa grumbles it under her breath, and it makes Kameron pat her leg sympathetically in response. 

“You still haven’t told us what those feelings are about, bitch. You keep mumbling about doors.” Asia’s tone isn’t mean, but the words still make Vanessa huff and lean her head against Kameron instead. Of course they don’t get it.

“Women just hurt you forever then come back eleven years later and hurt you again. Forever. Don’t date women, they’re mean.” Vanessa slides lower on her seat, crossing her arms. Mean. Women are mean. Even when they don’t try to be. 

“They can be mean when you don’t date them, too.” Kameron mutters the words so softly that Vanessa’s not sure if she even hears them right. She catches Kameron’s imperceptible look towards Asia, though, one that Asia misses while she’s looking down at her phone. 

But Vanessa’s drunk brain doesn’t want to focus on Kameron’s love life problems. She’s still thinking of Brooke and her hands and her smile and her hair and how soft and warm she was when they used to share a bed. 

Vanessa can’t help the slump of her shoulders. She’s a fucking idiot, so hung up over Brooke. Someone who doesn’t even care about her. 

She doesn’t want to tell Kameron and Asia. They won’t get it, they don’t know her history with Brooke and how long this has gone on and how different things used to be and Vanessa really, really needs a hug. Or Silky. Or her mom. Someone to hold her and tell her that things will be okay.

She needs Brooke. Really, really needs Brooke.

She needs the version of Brooke who used to care about her, the one who would bring her an extra blanket on the couch while she was studying and snuggle with her underneath it. The one who would bake blueberry muffins when Vanessa was sad because she knew that they would always make her smile, even a little.

She needs that Brooke back. Sure, that Brooke hasn’t been around for more than a decade, but Vanessa misses her desperately, no matter how much she wishes that she wouldn’t. 

Vanessa used to think that she was over it - over the mess of their breakup, over what had happened between them because now she’s doing well in life with a great career. But she’s not, she’s fucking not, and it fucking sucks because no amount of published research papers or successful surgeries or high ranked positions at fancy hospitals can drown out the little voice in her head that is telling her that it all means nothing, not after she’s gone and ruined what used to be the best thing in her life. 

Kameron and Asia drop her home, making sure that she gets inside her apartment before they head back out. Vanessa has to grip onto her kitchen counter to stay steady and not fall over, because the Hennessy that she had tossed back at the bar after she saw Brooke leaving is beginning to catch up with her, not mixing well with the lack of food in her system. 

Vanessa’s jacket falls in a crumpled heap onto the floor as she plods towards her bedroom, leaning against the wall for support because everything is just a little too blurry, a little too messy. The zipper on her jumpsuit catches on fabric as she tries to unzip it once she’s sitting on her bed. The fit feels restricting, almost claustrophobic, like it’s squeezing her chest tighter and tighter. She tries to pull on the zipper even harder and grumbles when nothing happens, making her tug on the fabric in frustration. 

“Shit!” 

The fabric rips underneath her fingers, the tear travelling down her back while the zipper remains unmoving. The tear is enough, however, to allow her to wriggle out of the jumpsuit. 

Vanessa lays the jumpsuit on her bed once she’s free from it and bites her lip. Shit. The rip is big enough that it’s not something she can easily fix with a few stitches. 

Great. Now she’s gone and ruined one of her favourite outfits, too. She’s not sure how or why, but it’s somehow Brooke’s fault. Everything in her life right now seems to be. 

Fucking Brooke. Messing everything up. 

Vanessa misses her so much. 

She’s not sure why she reaches for her phone. It’s a stupid idea. An incredibly stupid idea. As is going to her contacts and finding Brooke’s name, along with pressing ‘call’ with a shaky finger, and holding the phone up to her ear, hearing the tone on the other end of the line as it rings and rings and rings, Brooke not picking up. 

Of course she doesn’t. Why would she, why _ should _ she? She’s taken another girl home. She’s busy. But Vanessa misses her. Her drunk brain misses her, every fibre in her body misses her more than she ever wants to admit. 

The answering machine crackles and Vanessa starts to panic, her fingers tapping on her leg because _ fuck, _she needs to hang up, before-

_ “Hi, you’ve reached Dr. Brooke Lynn Hytes. I’m not here, so please leave a message.” _

“I miss you, B.” The words tumble out before Vanessa can stop them, a little slurred and mumbled as she pushes her hair out of her face, and now that she’s started, she can’t stop. “I fuckin’ miss you so much, an’ I know you don’t care, I know you’re busy, but I miss you. I shoulda opened the door. Stupid fuckin’ door.” 

“Fuck.” Vanessa feels a wave of nausea hit and drops the phone beside her, puts her head between her knees and she just wants to curl up into a ball. Only Brooke could be capable of reducing her to someone so pathetic, so reliant on someone else. 

She’s too tired to take off her makeup, properly get ready for bed. Everything is swaying too much and her bed is comfortable enough, the sheets soft on her skin and maybe it’s okay if she just lays here despite the fact that the lights in her bedroom are still on. She can’t get up right now and turn them off, anyway.

* * *

Going to Ralph’s on a work night had been a bad idea. Getting wasted on a work night had been an even worse idea. Drunk dialling her ex, though? Vanessa’s really taken the cake with that one.

The extra strength Advil is doing nothing for her pounding headache, nor for the way that her office seems to spin on an axis. Looking at her schedule on her desk, she sends a thanks to the universe that she doesn’t have any surgeries pencilled in for today - she can’t imagine holding a scalpel in good conscience while in this hungover state. Just research allotted time until one, then-

Shit.

Another consultation meeting, this time with the hospitalist and the neurosurgery step-down floor staff. A meeting that Brooke will most definitely be at.

Vanessa’s been staring at her phone since the morning, wondering how her drunk ass could have been so _ stupid _as to call Brooke the night before. As if it would have done anything. As if Vanessa should have expected it to. 

Brooke isn’t hers. Brooke hasn’t been hers in over a decade. They’ve both changed as people, evolved under the environments that they’ve been in, and the Brooke that exists now isn’t the Brooke that Vanessa used to love. She’s a version of her, one who’s been through eleven more years of life and emerged as someone different, someone more unknown.

And here Vanessa is. Calling her, all hung up over her like an idiot. Brooke had probably looked at her phone this morning and scoffed, ready to show up to work looking perfect as usual, not a hair out of place and remaining as unfazed as she always is. 

Maybe Brooke hasn’t noticed. Maybe she hadn’t even gotten the voicemail notification last night. Vanessa hopes so. She doesn’t want to think about Brooke seeing it, realizing that Vanessa is still a mess over her. 

She doesn’t want to see Brooke’s gloating face at the meeting, either.

The hours tick by faster than Vanessa wants them to, the hour hand of the clock on her wall creeping closer and closer to one until she can’t avoid it anymore. She feels like she’s walking to the gallows, towards her certain death because she’s royally fucked up and now has to face the music by seeing Brooke’s reaction. 

Except that she has...none. Brooke greets her with a neutral expression, a firm handshake, not a strand of hair out of place. She sits silently while Vanessa talks to the hospitalist, not interjecting or interrupting like she usually does and leading them to argue. Today she’s...expressionless. Not protesting any of Vanessa’s words, not asking any questions to challenge her, and it’s eerie. Real fucking eerie. Sure, she’s writing notes in her notepad so she _ is _paying attention but she has no fight in her. 

Vanessa almost hates it more than the version of Brooke that argues with her over things. This Brooke is too collected, too calm. While Vanessa is appreciating the opportunity to talk, she almost misses Brooke’s challenging words. 

When Brooke looks at her, it’s with an expression characterized by indifference. Her eyes don’t betray any emotions over others, and it’s making it impossible for Vanessa to discern what she’s even thinking about. Vanessa wants to go up to her, shake her, get her to talk, because she needs to know what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking, if she saw the _ stupid _voicemail, if she wants Vanessa to never speak to her again. 

Because right now Vanessa doesn’t know, and the not knowing makes her feel like she’s going to lose her mind. 

“Dr. Hytes.” Vanessa calls out her name as the meeting ends, and she sees the way that Brooke’s hands falter as she packs up her things. Brooke doesn’t look up at her immediately, but Vanessa can see how she bites her lip, how her movements become just a little bit less fluid. 

When everyone else has left and Brooke’s gaze rises from the table, her mask is a little more askew, less successful at protecting the emotions that threaten to spill out from behind it. Vanessa can’t tell what they are, but she can see the furrow in her brow, the slight widening of her eyes that would be imperceptible to anyone else.

“Can we talk?” Vanessa hates how much her voice comes out sounding like she’s pleading, because maybe she is but she doesn’t want Brooke to know. 

“I-” Brooke pauses, lets out a jerky breath as she looks down, picks up her things. “I have to go. Have a procedure soon. I’m sorry.”

Then she’s pushing past Vanessa, out the door with her things and her heels clacking down the hallway before Vanessa even realizes that she’s gone. 

Shit. 

Half of Vanessa wants to go after her, chase her, figure out what the fuck her reaction even means because it doesn’t look like that of someone who is fully over the situation and ready to move on. 

Her reaction seems more reminiscent of someone running away.

Vanessa, for one, is fucking tired of running.


	11. chapter eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brooke pulls the pan off of the stove, and spreads out the different toppings they’ll need for their tacos. Vanessa can’t help but let out a noise of delight. 
> 
> “I’m fuckin’ hungry. I’m gonna eat at least, like, five.”
> 
> Brooke snorts. “Five?”
> 
> Vanessa nods as she begins to already fill up her first taco. “At least.”
> 
> “You’re approximately the size of a Polly Pocket, babe. Five?” Brooke grins at her and Vanessa sticks her tongue out.
> 
> “Not my fault you’re some sort of tall Amazonian goddess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for the continued lovely response to this fic, reading reviews makes me the happiest ever. I appreciate it so much <3 thank you writ for betaing and being the best.

(then)

“Ready? One, two, th-”

“No, I can’t click it, it’s too scary! It feels too real!”

“You’re acting like we’re watching a horror movie, B.” Vanessa tries not to laugh at the sight of her girlfriend peeking through squinted eyes at her computer screen. “We gotta finish the registration for the MCAT. The time has come.”

“How are we here already?” Brooke groans, resting her cheek on her hand. “It feels like we’re still babies.” 

“We’re halfway done second year. Not so baby anymore.” Vanessa double checks the credit card number she’s entered onto the MCAT registration website and tries not to wince at the price displayed on the screen. Why is an exam that they’re forced to write if they want to apply to medical school so damn expensive?

“You’re always my baby, though.” Brooke gives her a cheeky look, and Vanessa grins, tapping her leg against hers under the table.

“And you’re mine. Now c’mon, we gotta finish or all the spots for this date will be taken.”

Brooke lets out a sigh of relief and nervousness both when they get their respective confirmation emails for the MCAT. Vanessa’s mind is already spinning over summer plans, how they’re going to have to study even more than they already do in the months leading up to the exam. 

But hey. It’ll be worth it if they both get into med school. Especially if they can do it a year early.

“D’you think we can do it?” 

Brooke looks at her with an adorably furrowed brow. “Do what?”

“Third year entry.” Starting medical school a year early by entering after their third year of university rather than after they graduate in their fourth year, a practice permitted in medical schools across Ontario. It seems like a fever dream to Vanessa right now, a concept that feels so far away but so exciting that she doesn’t even want to think about it too much.

“Dunno, Ness. Barely anyone ever does.” Brooke bites her lip. “It sounds so difficult.” 

“We’re smart, though. Both of us.” They weren’t at the top of their respective classes for nothing. 

“So is every other student that’s planning on applying to med school for third year entry.” 

Vanessa sticks her tongue out at Brooke. “Shush. Don’t stifle our dreams. We can beat them all. I could probably take some in hand-to-hand combat, too.”

Brooke snorts. “Last time I checked, the med school application process wasn’t actually a literal Hunger Games.”

Vanessa scoffs, opening up a medical school application forum that she’s begun to frequent recently. “Sure feels like it sometimes.”

Brooke looks at her screen and tuts. “You know looking at that’s gonna freak you out even more.” 

Vanessa sighs. “I know, I can’t help it. I just wanna know everything and be on top of everything, you know? And just know that we’re both gonna get in, and to the same schools, too.”

Brooke reaches out a hand, grabs Vanessa’s and strokes the top of it with her thumb. “Hey, no matter what, we’ll figure it out, okay? And become badass doctors in the process.”

Vanessa squeezes back. “Imagine if we both get into med school here, and can stay in Toronto. Keep our apartment, do all of our clinical placements here too. Kill it together.”

Brooke smiles. “That’s all I want, Ness. Though we still gotta be ready for it to not happen. Cause we never know. It’s so hard to get in.”

“I know, I know.” Vanessa sighs. “I just want it so bad.” 

“Me too, baby. I want it, too. I hope we get it.” Brooke stands up, comes to stand behind Vanessa and bends down so that she can wrap her arms around her. Vanessa covers Brooke’s hands with her own. “Which is why, starting tomorrow, we’re on full MCAT studying mode. I’m gonna make a schedule tonight.” 

Vanessa sputters at Brooke’s declaration. “Already? Bitch, we have midterms coming up first next week!” 

“Do you want to get into med school or not?”

Vanessa huffs. “Fine. I’m already tired, though, just so you know.”

Vanessa can feel Brooke’s laugh on her back, from the way Brooke is leaning against her. “Okay, Miss _ ‘I’m tired,’ _come and help me with the tacos for dinner. I’m hungry.”

Vanessa grates cheese at their kitchen island while Brooke tends to the taco meat on the stove, and Vanessa is struck by just how domestic they’ve become. Making dinners together, studying, catching kisses here and there as they come and go from their respective classes and volunteering positions and work in the labs on campus. Their tiny one bedroom apartment feels like a mansion to Vanessa sometimes, because it holds everything she could ever want - Brooke, their pets, a sense of security. A feeling of home. 

Vanessa doesn’t want to lose it, ever. 

Apollo jumps up onto the counter, suddenly very interested in the tomatoes that she’s begun to chop. Vanessa sticks her hand out to keep him away from the knife, and can’t help her giggle when Apollo nuzzles against it instead. 

“Lemme finish chopping and I’ll give you all the attention you want, kitty-kitty.” Vanessa picks him up and lowers him to the ground, away from the knife and chopped vegetables spread on the counter. 

Brooke pulls the pan off of the stove, and spreads out the different toppings they’ll need for their tacos. Vanessa can’t help but let out a noise of delight. 

“I’m fuckin’ _ hungry. _ I’m gonna eat at least, like, five.”

Brooke snorts. “Five?”

Vanessa nods as she begins to already fill up her first taco. “At least.”

“You’re approximately the size of a Polly Pocket, babe. Five?” Brooke grins at her and Vanessa sticks her tongue out.

“Not my fault you’re some sort of tall Amazonian goddess.” 

Brooke comes around to Vanessa’s side of the kitchen island and puts her arms around her waist, pulling Vanessa in closer. Vanessa looks up at her and can’t help but rise on her tiptoes to kiss her, feeling the way Brooke smiles into it. Brooke breaks the kiss, bending down slightly to scoop Vanessa up underneath her thighs and it makes her yelp, wrap her arms around Brooke’s neck tighter. Brooke sits her down at the edge of the counter, and it makes them closer in height, more eye to eye. 

This Brooke is Vanessa’s favourite version of Brooke - the one with sparkling eyes and a calm heart filled with so much love that it’s threatening to spill out. Brooke presses kisses all over her face that make Vanessa giggle, and she can’t help but think about how lucky she is. 

It scares Vanessa sometimes, that she feels like she’s found her person when they’re both so young, still in university. They still have so much to go, so much to weather through before they’re even established in their careers at all. Sometimes, she feels like she’s preemptively losing Brooke, thinking about the future and the possibility that they may not be able to last. 

But they will. They have to. 

Brooke reaches around for Vanessa’s plate and grabs one of the tacos that she’s already made, making her protest immediately. “Hey!”

Brooke steps out of her grasp, giggles as she starts to eat Vanessa’s taco. “You snooze, you lose.”

Vanessa jumps off the counter. “Bitch, if your fine ass touches another one of these tacos after that one, I swear to-”

Brooke presses a kiss her lips, effectively making her trail off with a _ mmph _, and snickers when Vanessa bats at her shoulder.

“Hmph. You taste like salsa.” Vanessa grabs another taco from the plate and starts munching on it herself.

“I’ll make you an extra taco once these are done, promise.” Brooke finishes the last bite of her taco with a flourish and Vanessa huffs. 

“You better. Out here stealing my food and shit.” Vanessa huffs, though can’t help her grin.

Brooke makes everything so much more fun. The late study nights, the early classes, the television show marathons that they have on their couch every other weekend. She hopes that it will never, ever have to end.

Vanessa’s phone rings while they’re doing the dishes, Vanessa washing while Brooke dries. Vanessa runs over to her phone, letting out a delighted squeal when she realizes that it’s her mom on the other end of the line. She puts it on speaker so that they can keep cleaning up.

“Hi, Mami!”

_ “Hi to you too, mija.” _Vanessa’s mom has a loud voice and it projects throughout their small apartment, making Vanessa grin. 

“You at work?” 

_ “Taking a fifteen minute break. Freaking Donna took so long on hers and made me cover her patients for thirty minutes so I chewed her out and she felt guilty about it, and that’s how your mama earned an extra little break for herself.” _Vanessa can hear the smugness in her mother’s voice without even having to see her face.

“I’d expect nothing less.” Vanessa snickers as she looks over at Brooke, who seems to be attempting to hold back a laugh as well.

_ “Enough about Donna. How’s your week going? Are you eating well? Are you sleeping?” _

“Week is good. Haven’t eaten a vegetable in weeks. Not sleeping a wink.” Vanessa grins as Brooke raises her eyebrow at her answer. Vanessa loves goading her mom for the sheer entertainment value that she provides when she’s riled up, not unlike Vanessa herself.

_ “You want to die of scurvy, mija? Is that what you want? Out here trying to become a doctor and not eating any vegetables?” _

“Don’t worry, mami. Eating and sleeping well both.” 

_ “You better be.” _Vanessa can hear the sounds of the hospital on the other end of the line. Despite the fact that her mom is working the night shift, she still hears snippets of conversations and rhythmic beeps faintly echoing in the background. The hospital never sleeps, not even at night. 

_ “How’s Brooke? Put her on the line.” _Vanessa’s mom hasn’t met Brooke in person yet but has already taken a liking to her from their short phone conversations, something that makes Vanessa want to dance around with happiness. 

“It’s on speaker. Hi, Mrs. Mateo.” Brooke’s voice is squeaky as it always is when she’s talking to Vanessa’s mom, intimidated and desperately wanting to make a good impression. Brooke’s nervous state wants to make Vanessa crack up every time, because what does Brooke even have to worry about? There isn’t anyone who doesn’t immediately love her upon talking to her. 

_ “How are you doing, sweetie? Vanessa not bothering you too much?” _Despite the crack directed at her, Vanessa softens at nickname. Her mom is loving, fiercely protective when she wants to be, and seems to have a sixth sense of when someone may need it. 

Brooke’s cheeks are pink, and Vanessa can see from the smile that she’s struggling to hold back that she’s pleased. “Doing okay. Vanessa’s perfect, as usual. We registered for the MCAT today.”

_ “Nuts, the two of you. Writing the MCAT. I’m telling you, nursing school-” _

“We ain’t gonna apply for nursing school, Mami!” Vanessa can’t help but interject, and Brooke snickers.

_ “You two just like the harder route, huh? At least you have each other to lean on. And Brooke?” _

Brooke perks up. “Yeah?”

_ “Good luck on that organic chemistry midterm you said that you have coming up soon. You’ll do wonderful.” _

Vanessa melts when she sees the smile that takes over Brooke’s face, the way her eyes are shining slightly. “Thank you, Mrs. Mateo. I appreciate it a lot.”

Vanessa’s mom hangs up after the two of them promise to sleep earlier and take care of themselves, and Brooke turns to Vanessa as they finish up the dishes. 

“Your mom is the absolute sweetest.” It comes out as a sigh, and it makes Vanessa reach for Brooke’s hand and squeeze it. 

“She loves you more than me, I swear. Once she meets you this summer in person she’s gonna lose her mind.”

Brooke looks at Vanessa with wide eyes. “Do you think she’ll still like me?”

“Of course she will, dolt.” Vanessa swats at her arm. “She’ll use the opportunity to give you a million hugs that she can’t transmit over the phone.”

“You’re so lucky. Your family is so lovely.” The longing in Brooke’s voice tugs at Vanessa’s heart. 

Vanessa develops grudges too easily, but the one that she can feel building against Brooke’s family is valid, and is one that grows more and more as time goes on. Vanessa’s seen Brooke come back from visits to home with her shoulders slumped too many times, seen her try to avoid crying by biting her lip as her mom chews her out over the phone. She hates to see how much they’re capable of hurting her without even having to try. Vanessa tries, at those times, to make things better. Extra cuddles, more encouraging and soft words than usual. She’s not sure, however, if it’s a good enough substitute. 

“They love you, babe.” Vanessa leans up to kiss Brooke’s cheek. “Well, my mom does. Julio’s too invested in his computer games to care about anything else.”

Brooke cracks a smile despite herself, leaning into Vanessa’s touch. “I’m excited to meet them both.”

“You say that now. Wait till she’s roasting you too. Won’t take long for it to happen.” Vanessa grins. “She’ll have plenty of opportunities to gently bully you this summer while we study for the MCAT.”

“Somehow, I’m really looking forward to it.” 

It’ll be good for Brooke. Both of them, really. Vanessa knows it.

* * *

(now) 

“Brooke, open the fucking door.” Vanessa’s fist raps on Brooke’s office door as she pleads. Vanessa ignores the fact that they’ve flipped positions, that she’s the one trying to get Brooke to open up. She’s going to keep knocking because they need to talk, and they can’t keep doing this anymore. 

The door swings open while Vanessa’s fist is still raised in the air, ready to knock again. Brooke’s face is cold and hardened, the annoyance on her face visible and it almost makes Vanessa take a step back. Almost. 

“Do you fucking mind?” Brooke hisses the words at her, nearly shutting the door in her face again but then Vanessa sticks her foot in, preventing her from closing it. Brooke’s hold on the doorway lessens for just a millisecond and Vanessa takes the opportunity to slip inside, ignoring Brooke’s protests. 

“We need to talk.” So what if Vanessa sounds like she’s pleading? They need to talk, _ actually _talk - not fuck their way through things, or avoid feelings because it’s not working out for her. It isn’t for Brooke either, from the dark circles underneath her eyes, the slump of her shoulders as if she’s being weighed down by too much for her to carry. 

“We really don’t.” Brooke turns away from her, walks towards her desk. Vanessa follows on her heels, undeterred, because she’s not going to give in that easily.

“Yeah we do, B! Things are fucked and I don’t know about you, but I ain’t having a good time like this. We need to.” 

Brooke turns around suddenly and Vanessa realizes that she’s right _ there, _right in front of her and Vanessa has to look up to make eye contact. The sharp rise and fall of Brooke’s chest matches the hidden fire behind her eyes, a heat that rises in steam across her skin. 

“You’re not having a good time, huh?” Brooke’s laugh has no humour laced through it, veering on the side of bitter. “That sucks for you. Really does. Sorry to hear that.”

Vanessa knows Brooke’s tendencies to lash out when she’s cornered, but it’s not going to stop her from provoking her further. “Bitch, you’re the one who went home with someone else last night.”

Brooke takes the bait, like Vanessa knew that she would. “Oh, so suddenly I’m not allowed to do so?”

“That’s _ not _ what I said-”

“You made yourself pretty clear the other day. That you were done with whatever this is. I got the message with the closed door in my face.” Vanessa can hear the hurt, the anger in Brooke’s voice. They’re subtle cues that wouldn’t be noticeable to the average person but Vanessa knows (_used _ to know) Brooke well enough that they shine through, no matter how much Brooke wants to hide them from her. 

Vanessa deflates, because how can she explain it without sounding stupid? “I thought you just wanted something physical, since that’s what we were doing, hell, I still don’t know if you do and I freaked out, I know, ‘kay?” She takes a deep breath, continues because once she starts she can’t stop and Brooke needs to know that she still cares. “Because I realized that I still like you, really like you and miss you a fuck ton and couldn’t do it if that was just what you wanted.” 

Brooke looks like she’s gotten the breath knocked out of her, as she takes a step backwards but hits the back of her legs on the desk. “Are you kidding me?”

“And I get it if you don’t feel the same-”

“You can’t just _ say _ that.” Brooke’s voice trembles in a way that Vanessa hasn’t heard in years and it makes Vanessa wince. Maybe her delivery hadn’t been the best, but she’s not good at talking and feelings and it’s _ hard_. “You can’t just cut me out then waltz in here and say those things after leaving me to pick up the pieces.” 

Vanessa doesn’t say anything to stop Brooke as she continues, because a part of her needs to hear where this is going, even if it’s going to leave her a mess. It’s like she’s become a sucker for punishment, needing to see it through to satisfy some sick need in her brain for catharsis. 

“You always do this. You just come and go whenever you want, and I can’t do it. I can’t do it anymore. That’s not me. It wasn’t me back then, either.” 

Vanessa can’t stop herself from interjecting, cutting off Brooke’s story because she’s saying it all wrong. “That wasn’t the same thing and you know it.” It wasn’t. That was different. The way they broke up was not like...this.

“Why not? You play by your rules now and you did then too. You run when you’re in trouble and things get difficult, and I get it, I really do.” Brooke’s laugh is bitter, marred by a tinge of sadness that contrasts with the set of her jaw. “I wouldn’t stay either.”

The words twist at Vanessa’s heart, turning it around and making knots and she feels heavy, weighed down, as if they’re anchors in her soul. 

“Fuck off. That’s not true. I don’t run, I didn’t then either.” Vanessa can’t help her voice from raising because it’s not true, and Brooke’s being unfair because _ she’s _the one that slept with someone else and didn’t even say anything about the voicemail and-

“I found out from Silky when you left back then, you know that?” Brooke’s voice breaks as she cuts off Vanessa’s train of thoughts, and it makes her freeze. Brooke wipes the tear threatening to leak from her eye as if it’s personally wronged her, and Vanessa wonders if it’s possible to have her heart torn without anyone actually touching it. “Why the apartment was half empty and Riley was gone and _ you _were gone as if it all had meant nothing.” 

No, no, no, Vanessa doesn’t want to talk about this, they _ can’t _talk about this and she has to fight every cell in her body that is telling her to leave. “It wasn’t nothing-”

“I’m not doing it again. I get that you want to play by what works for you, but I can’t.” Brooke draws in a ragged breath, avoiding her eyes. She picks up her clipboard, her notes scattered around her desk. “I have to go.”

“Brooke-”

“Please let me go.” Brooke doesn’t wait for an answer, pushing past her and leaving the door swinging as she exits. 

Vanessa’s frozen in Brooke’s office, the ticking of the minute hand of the clock on the wall coinciding with the way that her heart shatters just a tiny bit more with every passing second.

She’s fucked up. 

* * *

“Office hours ended half an hour ago, come back tomorrow.” Silky’s voice floats through the English department office corridor as Vanessa knocks on her door. Getting through the workday felt impossible, like she was ricocheting off the walls of the hospital and no amount of work could calm her down. 

“Silk, it’s me.” Vanessa can’t help the panicked edge in her voice as she peeks around Silky’s office door, her friend surrounded by stacks of papers and her glasses slightly askew. 

“Vanj! You’re early!” Silky holds up the paper that she’s reading through. “Look at this. This kid spelled ‘allegory’ as ‘Gregory’. Who does that?” 

Despite the nervous energy that’s lighting up her insides, Vanessa can’t help but snort. “Honestly, that was me back in uni. Dumb as hell in English.” 

Silky waves her off. “You’re lucky that I was your roommate, bitch. Fixing all your stupid ass typos. You’re welcome.”

Vanessa takes the opportunity to collapse into the chair in front of Silky’s desk, grabbing the nameplate that says _ Dr. Ganache _ and turning it over and over in her hands. “Silk. Dear Silk. I have a problem. Big problem. Big, big, big, problem.”

“What, that you’re working with Brooke?”

“What? No, not that. Wait, how do you know that?” 

“Bitch, you wouldn’t tell me which hospital you got hired at when you first moved back here and you always change the subject when I bring her up. Who else?”

Vanessa sputters. “Okay, well. Maybe true.”

“Also because Miss Brooke and I are still pals and have a longstanding monthly coffee date and you bet she was bitching about you.” Silky looks smug, too smug, by the turn of conversation. 

Vanessa sits up in her chair. “She was? Rude.” 

Silky points a finger at her. “Aha! So it is about her.” 

Vanessa shifts. “Maybe. I have a problem. A big problem.”

“More than working with your ex?”

“Kinda?” Vanessa bites her lip, because if it’s anyone’s advice she needs it’s Silky’s, but she also wishes she could just push it away and not talk about it. 

Silky sighs, taking off her glasses and laying them gently on her desk. “Okay, talk. Dr. Ganache is here to listen.”

“You ain’t _ that _kind of doctor, Silk.” 

Silky is unperturbed. “You want advice or not?” 

Silky’s eyebrows get closer and closer to her hairline the more Vanessa goes on, recapping the past few months working at the hospital with Brooke. Vanessa’s certain that she sees her rubbing her temples at one point, but is too distracted by the memory of Brooke’s face when she had walked away to comment on it. 

“Vanj. You a dumbass bitch.”

“I know, Silk.”

“Real fucking stupid.”

“I’m aware.”

“Whole ass idiot.”

“Are you just gonna sit there and insult me?” Vanessa grumbles and folds her arms because Silky is _ not _helping her at all. 

Silky leans forward in her seat. “Let me get this straight. Y’all started fucking.”

“Mhm.”

“Then you went all runaway on her.”

Vanessa winces. “Mhm.”

“Then you drunk dialled her ass.”

“Maybe?” Now that Silky recaps it, everything really is a mess. She’s a mess.

“No wonder she’s pissed at your idiot ass. Did I not raise you well?” Silky rubs her temples, looking exasperated.

“You’re not my mom, Silky.” 

Silky scoffs. “Evidently not, with these stupid ass decisions.” 

“Ugh.” Vanessa groans, dropping her head down onto Silky’s desk. “What do I do?”

“She’s gonna run like a startled deer or some shit if you bother her too much now. You gotta be careful.”

“How?” She doesn’t know how to, she’s as subtle as a bull in a china shop and doesn’t know how to watch her actions. Usually she’s unapologetic about it, not bothering to care but now she’s knocked too many things over and doesn’t know how to pick up the pieces. 

“Give her time. She’s probably hurting. If you still feel all lovesick after a few days, then try again. But let her be for now.”

“I’m not lovesick.” Vanessa huffs, because she’s _ not. _But how can she let Brooke be? How can she hold back from trying to talk to her, fix things?

“Potato, pot-_ah-_to.” Silky waves her hands, turning back to the papers on her desk. “Let me finish this last one, then we can eat and you can tell me all about how hung up you are over her.”

* * *

Vanessa lets the days pass one by one, biting her lip and wringing her hands and fiddling with the hem of her scrub shirt because she doesn’t know what else to do. 

Nina calls a meeting for all of the surgical departments first thing on a Wednesday morning, and the only reason that Vanessa gets there early is because she may have _ possibly _woken up at five a.m., unable to stay in bed. Maybe she hasn’t been sleeping well at all in the last few days. She tries not to think about it. 

The conference room is empty when she opens the door, as are the chairs that surround the large table in the center of the room. Vanessa claims a spot towards the back, saving seats beside her for the other cardiothoracic surgeons. It’s the first time that she’s beaten anyone to a meeting, and she can’t help the smug sip that she takes of her coffee as she waits for the rest of the staff to arrive. 

Vanessa’s ready to let out a wisecrack as soon as the door opens next, expecting Asia and Kameron because they’re disgustingly early for nearly everything. Vanessa still hasn’t forgotten the time that Kameron showed up to her apartment at seven thirty p.m. instead of the specified eight for a jaunt to Ralph’s, interrupting Vanessa’s getting ready routine and nearly causing her to flash the poor woman while just in her towel. The two had agreed to never speak of it again.

Except this time, it’s not Kameron or Asia who walk in the door next. The blonde hair, the lab coat, the navy blue scrubs, the large coffee in hand? Vanessa can’t help the way that her breath hitches at the sight of Brooke, and how has to hold herself back from saying anything. The circles underneath Brooke’s eyes are beginning to deepen and her movements looking more weary, more worn down. Vanessa ignores the gnawing feeling in her stomach that repeats to her over and over again that it’s her fault. 

Vanessa hadn’t even thought about the fact that what’s happening now mirrors what had happened to the two of them back then. The way things ended. Not that she even stuck around long enough back then to see Brooke’s reactions. Now, years and years later in the hospital, she sees it. Sees how the armour that Brooke’s built up over time is starting to gain chips in it, cracking underneath the pressure that she’s using to hold herself up. 

It’s what Vanessa’s good at doing, apparently. Breaking the two of them down over and over again, leaving nothing but misunderstandings and broken hearts that don’t seem like they’re ever going to mend. 

Vanessa catches the pause in Brooke’s step once she spots her, the way that Brooke’s eyes flit towards all other corners of the room and away from her, how she bites her lip as she sits down. Brooke opens her notebook and buries her face in it as if she’s reading the most riveting of text to ever exist. 

Vanessa leans forward in her seat, elbows resting against the table because the position makes her closer to Brooke, even if it’s just by mere inches. She wants to say something, _ anything _but she doesn’t know what will make it better. What can even fix them? 

Are they even worth fixing? 

She opens her mouth to make a crack about the weather because the silence feels suffocating, imposing on her from all sides and all she needs is for Brooke to look up at her right now. But the door opens once more, Kameron and Asia spilling in followed by the ortho team, and some members of Brooke’s neuro team. 

Vanessa can’t say anything. Not with everyone else there, not knowing about anything between them or the boulders worth of baggage that they’ve placed on each other’s backs. 

It doesn’t stop her from hoping, wanting, waiting. Wishing for more chances to fix things. Vanessa doesn’t know what she’s going to do, or how she’s going to do it either. She just hopes that Brooke will be open to it, willing to crack again once she does. 


	12. chapter twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa finally looks up at her, gives her a half hearted smile. “You said ‘we’.”
> 
> Brooke shrugs. “Course I did. Because we’re doing this together. We’re a team, you know that.”
> 
> They are. They have been since first year, and they’ll continue to be one. Vanessa helps Brooke through tough times, and she does the same for her. Because that’s what they do.
> 
> Vanessa looks like her face is going to crumple again and Brooke wonders for a second if she’s said the wrong thing, but then Vanessa throws her arms back around her, squeezing tight. “Fucking love you so much, B. So much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the sweet comments and reviews on this fic. I can't even tell you how happy it makes me to read them <3 And thank you writ for betaing and being the most wonderful headass one could ask for.

(then)

“This fucking _ sucks.” _

Brooke looks up to see Vanessa’s head in her hands, slumped over her keyboard. The clock above them reads 1:23 a.m_., _and the sight makes her wince. They’ve been sitting in their spot in the library for the past seven hours, chipping away at the personal essays they’ll need to submit for their med school applications, and Brooke would be lying if she said that she didn’t want to just quit altogether. 

“I feel like I haven’t done shit. Like a sham. How am I supposed to make them believe all of this?” Vanessa’s voice is muffled by her sleeve, and Brooke shuffles her chair so that she’s closer and can wrap an arm around her.

“You _ have _ done things, Nessa. You’ve been volunteering on the cardiac floors at Toronto General Hospital for the last, what? Two years? And you’ve been working in Dr. Roberts’ lab since the end of first year. _ And _you’ve started TAing for those first year biology courses. Your list of accomplishments is already a mile long.” Brooke rubs her back. She gets it, she does. No matter what they do, it feels like they’re not doing enough. That there’s always going to be more that they can get done to make sure their applications stand out from the rest of the crowd. 

Brooke’s seen the way that the bags underneath Vanessa’s eyes have begun to darken, how her brain has become a little more fatigued as they’ve started their third year while they try to do everything at once. It feels like they’re in a marathon where the route seems to stretch out longer and longer the more they run, with everyone else in the race already starting to leave them behind. Though they can’t stop, because if they stop it means they’re going to have absolutely no chance of ever catching up.

The feeling of not knowing is the worst part. Not knowing if what they’re doing is enough, not knowing if they’re going to be accepted into the same schools, not knowing if they’re going to be accepted anywhere at _ all. _ The uncertainty about the next year or so leaves Brooke on edge. She likes having a set plan so that she knows what’s going to be in front of her, letting her able to schedule out her life to leave nothing to chance.

Except applying to medical school is the biggest game of chance there is, taking big risks in preparation without even knowing if there’s going to be any payoff in the end. It’s like they’re driving and driving in the dark without any clue of what’s going to come - a cliff, a mountain, any sort of risk that could affect them. Brooke wishes that she could turn on the headlights that would illuminate their future, make it more clear so that she could at least know what to expect.

Going through the process with Vanessa feels like she has a lifeline, someone to keep her grounded and from losing her mind with the endless quest for high GPAs and volunteering experiences and published research. Knowing that she’s not the only one who feels like she’s drowning makes Brooke feel a little less alone, and being able to support Vanessa and be a rock for her too is strangely calming.

Brooke gets the feeling of not being enough, feeling like a fraud. Like they’re not supposed to get this far. It’s a sensation that she’s been used to for her entire life - not dedicated enough towards ballet to go professional, not pushing hard enough in classes, not being a good enough daughter. As if there’s always more she can do. It makes her push herself harder and harder out of spite, using it as motivation. Though she hates seeing Vanessa becoming so similarly weighed down - doubting in her abilities and her strengths and thinking that she’s not enough. Because she is, and Brooke’s going to keep telling her as much as she can.

She presses a kiss to Vanessa’s shoulder blade, pausing when she hears the way that Vanessa’s breaths have slowed down, become deeper. She tucks Vanessa’s hair behind her ear, moving it from in front of her face and sees that she’s fast asleep, her mouth slightly parted and eyes closed. 

The sight makes her melt, and also tugs on her heart. Vanessa’s exhausted, they’re both exhausted. The med school application process has made third year so much more draining, having to get everything done while also studying, completing exams, writing papers. It’s all for a good reason - so that they can get into med school, eventually become surgeons, end up on the career paths that they’ve wanted for so long. But it’s _ hard. _The fact that they still have such a long road ahead of them makes it feel as if they’re never going to reach that future. 

Brooke runs her fingers through Vanessa’s hair, until she’s blinking sleepily and murmuring softly under her breath. 

“C’mon, baby, let’s go back home.” 

Vanessa rubs at her eyes and leans against Brooke’s shoulder, nuzzling as close as she can. “We’re still not done these essays.”

“We can do them tomorrow.” Brooke kisses the top of her head, wrapping an arm around her before standing them both up. “Sleep first.”

The process may be exhausting, stressing them both out and making Brooke’s stomach flip on a daily basis, but she’s glad that she’s not doing it alone. They’ll get through it together, like they have done so for the past two years. 

* * *

Brooke can’t help the way that she paces the hallway, waiting for Vanessa to come out from her interview. She’d finished hers twenty minutes prior, and the relief running through her veins feels palpable. 

It had gone okay. Her first medical school interview had been _ okay. _Sure, she had tripped over her words a little bit, but each question had seemed easy enough to answer. She was able to come up with responses that made the interviewers nod, even smile a couple of times. She feels good about it. 

Brooke leans against the window, looking out at the University of Western Ontario campus and all students milling about in their Western sweaters, going to and from buildings that are unfamiliar to her. She wonders how things would have been if she had chosen Western instead of the University of Toronto back in first year. It would have been real different. A different group of friends, a different set of classes, different professors. 

And she never would have met Vanessa. 

Brooke’s never been so relieved about a past decision in her life. Going through the last few years without Vanessa would have been like a half life. Sure, she would have made friends, gone to class, maybe dated around a little bit. Though she can’t picture anyone lighting up her world, making her as happy as Vanessa does. 

Brooke thinks back to this morning, when Vanessa had been up early because she couldn’t sleep in excitement for the interviews and made them both omelettes, just because she could. How Vanessa cracked jokes their entire drive to the Western campus to make Brooke laugh, because she knew that she was nervous for what was to come. Vanessa always seems to preemptively know what she’s feeling, what she needs. Just like Brooke does for her. 

The door in front of Brooke opens, and she has to hold herself back from running over to it when Vanessa comes out. Vanessa’s face, to anyone else, would be unreadable, but Brooke can see the way that she’s biting her lip, the way that her eyes seem to be a little more downcast than usual. 

Uh oh. 

“How’d it go?” Brooke tries to keep her tone light and casual, in case nothing really is wrong and she’s just projecting. 

But then Vanessa’s face crumples and she lets out a sniff, and Brooke wastes no time in taking the few steps over to her so she can wrap her arms around her. “Oh, baby. What happened?”

Vanessa’s face is buried in Brooke’s shirt, wrapping her arms around her tight. Her voice comes out muffled. “Nothing.”

“Doesn’t seem like nothing.” Brooke murmurs it as soft as she can in case anyone else is in the hallway, running her fingers through Vanessa’s hair. 

“I messed up. I blew it.” Vanessa sniffles and Brooke can feel her heart tug, the way it does whenever Vanessa is sad, or upset. She wishes she could take it all away from her. 

“What happened?” 

“They didn’t like anything I said, the one guy on the right was making a stank face the whole time and then the lady in the middle argued with one of my answers and I’m pretty sure I accidentally _ swore _ in there during another question.” Vanessa lets it all out in one breath and buries her face deeper into Brooke’s shirt, letting out a groan before continuing. “I was nervous, so nervous and I think they _ knew _and I just messed up and they’re definitely not going to accept me and I hate having to talk all formal to strangers.” 

“Oh, Ness.” Brooke wraps her arms around her tightly, trying to ignore the feeling of her own heart sinking in her chest. 

“I wish we didn’t have interviews. They make me feel so dumb because when I’m nervous I can’t control what comes outta my stupid mouth.” Vanessa pulls back, wiping an errant tear and crossing her arms. 

“You’re not dumb.” Vanessa’s _ not. _She understands concepts a lot faster in class than Brooke does sometimes, she needs less time to memorize things when they’re studying for tests. Vanessa’s brain, when focused, is laser sharp. She’s the one who explains things to Brooke a lot of the time, who has to work just a tiny bit harder, study just a bit more to be at the same level. 

“I sure fuckin’ sound like it sometimes.” Vanessa sounds defeated, and Brooke can see the slump in her shoulders, the way her eyes are downcast. 

Brooke grabs her hand. “You’re going to prove them wrong. If you _ did _ mess up, they’ll still be impressed by the rest of your application. And if not? We still have four more med school interviews to go at the other universities. We’ll practice like crazy, until we sound all suave and natural, and until the answers can roll off your tongue with no problem. One interview doesn’t determine anything. We can _ do _ this.” 

Vanessa finally looks up at her, gives her a half hearted smile. “You said ‘we’.”

Brooke shrugs. “Course I did. Because we’re doing this together. We’re a team, you know that.”

They are. They have been since first year, and they’ll continue to be one. Vanessa helps Brooke through tough times, and she does the same for her. Because that’s what they do.

Vanessa looks like her face is going to crumple again and Brooke wonders for a second if she’s said the wrong thing, but then Vanessa throws her arms back around her, squeezing tight. “Fucking love you so much, B. So much.” 

Brooke presses a kiss to the top of her head. “Love you too. Now c’mon.” 

She pulls back, making Vanessa tilt her head in a question. “Pretty sure I saw an ice cream truck on the walk over to this building. Think we’ve earned ourselves a treat, don’t you?” 

Vanessa lets out a noise in delight despite herself, squeezing Brooke’s hand. “Now we’re talking.” 

They’ll do it together, make it through this application process and get to med school in one piece. They have to. 

* * *

(now)

Brooke falls back on routine because she can’t push herself to do anything else. 

Wake up, brew coffee, go to work, go home, sleep. Repeat. Over and over again. Sprinkling in food when she’s occasionally hungry, opening a bottle of wine when all she can think about is Vanessa. 

Brooke _ can’t _let herself think about Vanessa. 

So, she drinks more wine and puts on Netflix and thinks about how truly pathetic she has become. 

The coffee makes her more jittery than usual, her hands shaking and her brain travelling at a hundred miles an hour because if she gives it a second to rest, it’ll start to spiral. She can’t have that. 

But pushing herself more and more and more is affecting her work - not in the sense that she’s making more mistakes, but that each procedure, each hour in the lab, each meeting leaves her feeling more burned out, more exhausted. Avoiding the topic that her brain wants to ruminate on is draining her of the very little energy that’s left in her system in the first place. 

It’s not until she falls asleep at her desk one evening, staying past six, then seven, then eight because she can’t get herself out of her chair that she realizes that routine isn’t working anymore. 

Brooke needs to face it. Not directly, because she’s not that masochistic. But leaning on someone. She may not have much, but she has Nina. Has had her since med school, and she’s so, so lucky for her. 

Brooke knows what it’s like to lose people, and Nina’s unwavering support through their friendship is still unbelievable to her sometimes. Nina’s her least judgemental friend and, to her credit, desperately curious about what’s going on between her and Vanessa since the latter started working at the hospital. Brooke owes her a little bit of explanation, at least. 

Nina’s face twists in more and more concern when Brooke tells her everything over a glass of wine one evening. They’re stretched out on Nina’s couch, the site of many late night talks and evenings spent working on research proposals and sleepovers when Brooke’s had too much to drink. The Eeyore t-shirt that Nina’s wearing is a far cry from the pantsuit she wears as Chief of Surgery. Her hair is around her face instead of perfectly coiffed the way it usually is, but the softness in her eyes remains the same as always. 

“You never told me Dr. Mateo was the ex you were hung up over during med school.” Nina’s voice is hushed, incredulous. 

Brooke winces. The early years of med school weren’t the best for her for a reason. “Maybe it’s good we didn’t get close until second year, or you would have seen me throughout that whole breakup.” She can’t help the bitterness that bleeds through in her laugh. 

“Wow, Brooke. Shit.” Nina runs a hand through her hair, takes another sip of her wine. “Why didn’t you tell me that first day she started? 

Brooke fiddles with her wine glass, because how could she even have done so? “It wasn’t anything. It shouldn’t have been, because everything happened so long ago.” 

She should have been over it then. She should be over it now. Too bad her brain has absolutely no capacity to try and listen to her. 

“Still, though. Time doesn’t get rid of baggage.” Nina’s eyes are full of concern and it makes Brooke want to curl up, or leave. 

“It should.” Brooke mumbles, running her fingers over the leather of the couch. It would have, if Brooke didn’t go and sleep with Vanessa and remind herself of all the reasons that she still needs her, no matter how much she doesn’t want to.

“Neither does sleeping with your ex. Which, by the way? No sex in the offices.” Nina raises an eyebrow. “Can’t believe you two were doing the dirty on your desks.”

Brooke can’t help but snort. “Yes, boss. Not that you really have to worry about that anymore.” 

“What are you gonna do?” Nina’s brow furrows and Brooke almost wishes that she told her sooner. 

Brooke shrugs, biting her lip. “I dunno.”

What _ can _she do? Brooke’s managed to keep her heart safe for the last decade from anything that could have gotten too close to hurt it. She’s always been the one to end relationships a bit too soon, before she’s had the chance to fall too hard and become invested. Leaving people before they can leave her. It’s served her well, but also kept her incredibly solitary. On her own.

Not that she’s minded, because she hasn’t had to go through true heartbreak in the last eleven or so years. It’s safer than what happened with Vanessa.

But right now, this feeling of Vanessa pushing her away and then coming back feels like heartbreak, as if Brooke’s heart is a measly trinket for Vanessa to play with that has little value. She doesn’t know what Vanessa wants, or if she even cares. If she’ll leave. 

Brooke doesn’t want her to leave again. She can’t go through it a second time. 

If Brooke is a tall mountain that wants to be strong and self-sufficient and able to take care of herself without needing anything, then Vanessa is a tropical storm that whirls her way through and cleanses Brooke with her rain. She leaves a path that shows where she’s marked her presence in Brooke’s life, with memories of her touches and her laugh as part of the debris. 

“Do you still like her?” Nina’s question makes Brooke pause, though she doesn’t answer. 

Brooke had liked Vanessa, when they were in undergrad. She’s liked their dynamic the past few months, bickering her which feels equal parts frustrating and like foreplay. Sleeping with her which had felt both like the easiest thing in the world and as if they were a time bomb that could reach the end of its counter at any moment. 

“Do you still love her?”

Brooke takes a sharp breath in, looks down at the couch, the smoothness of the leather and the way it indents under her weight. 

Brooke doesn’t want to love her. She wishes she could stop herself from it. But a tiny, sadistic part of her soul still does, the part that fills her exhausted brain of thoughts of only Vanessa and the way that she smiles and what it feels like to hold her. Projecting things that she doesn’t want to feel onto her soul, leaving imprints of Vanessa that will never wash away, no matter how hard she tries. 

Brooke hates feeling so much longing for another person. She shouldn’t need someone like this. Especially if she knows that it isn’t going to end well. 

“Oh, Brooke.” Nina reaches out and grabs her hand and squeezes it and the weight is grounding, pulling her back from the way her brain is already trying to run away. 

“It’s stupid.” Brooke mutters the words under her breath. It _ is _stupid, the way she’s still hung up over someone when she has no right to be. Vanessa doesn’t owe her anything. 

Brooke doesn’t want to take it, either. 

“It’s not stupid.” Nina’s words are immediate. “Honestly? I’ve been waiting for someone to actually make you feel something more than a tiny bit of interest that goes away just as fast.”

Brooke wrinkles her nose. “What does that mean?”

Nina gives her a look. “You know exactly what it means. Barely making it past a second, third date. Heck, your longest relationship while you’ve been friends with me was what, like three? Four months?” 

“Four. With Maria.” Maria had been…nice. When they were interns fresh out of medical school, though it hadn’t lasted. 

“And even that one, who ended it?”

“Me. Maria hadn’t been anything special.” So what if Brooke hadn’t been invested? She didn’t want to stick around just for the hell of it. It wouldn’t have done good for either of them.

“That’s the thing, Brooke! You’ve never been hung up over someone like this, the way you’ve been since Vanessa started working here.”

“So what?”

“It’s gotta mean something.” Nina’s looking at her as if she’s Sherlock Holmes and has a fresh lead in a case. Not that Brooke can tell what it is in the least.

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “What, exactly?”

“I dunno.” Nina shrugs, leans closer. “I just think you should try and talk to her, at least. You can’t let it end _ here. _”

“I just - I can’t, Nina.” Brooke fidgets in her seat, ignores the incredulous expression on Nina’s face. She can’t. 

“Why not?” Nina’s looking at her as if going and talking to Vanessa is the easiest thing in the world, as if it won’t immediately cause the knife in her heart to twist more and more until she’s never able to get it out again. 

“It’s not that easy.” Brooke stumbles over her words because how can she explain it? “It’s better this way. For both of us.”

“Do you really think that you can go on forever like this, not talking to her? Cutting her out? It’s not like she’s not going to keep working here. You’re going to have to keep interacting with her for the rest of your career.” Brooke sighs at Nina’s words because she’s right. It’s not like either of them are moving away anytime soon. They’re going to have to see each other around. Work together. 

Still, Brooke is nothing but stubborn when she wants to be. “I can try.” She can. It’ll be hard to do, but she can. 

“Do you _ want _to, though? Never talk to her outside of work but know that she’s right there?”

Brooke huffs. “I can’t just go talk to her. It’s not that easy. It’s not going to change things.”

“Why not?”

“She doesn’t even know what she wants. I don’t want to be there when she figures it out and decides it’s definitely not me.” Vanessa’s been sending her nothing but mixed messages, and Brooke gets it, she does, but she doesn’t like it. Feeling hot then cold the next second is draining, leaving her with whiplash. 

Vanessa the only one who’s ever been able to affect her like this, and it makes Brooke feel all open, exposed, as if the armour she’s built around herself has a kryptonite. 

“How do you know that it won’t be you? Even if it’s not, don’t you at least deserve closure?” 

Brooke deflates. Closure. They never had closure back then, and certainly don’t have it now. She’d channelled all her unresolved feelings and emotions into school and then later into work, and now the chance to actually figure things out, to look back on what they’ve been through feels dangerous, as if they’re going to open even more wounds that had been stitched up with time. 

“Think about it. Because honestly, the two of you suck at communicating. Don’t you both owe it to yourselves to figure out what you want, instead of making assumptions about each other forever?” Nina punctuates her statement by draining the rest of her wine glass. 

“She doesn’t want-”

Nina cuts her off. “You don’t _ know _ that. You won’t know until you properly talk to her.” 

“She’s been avoiding me, too. Not coming up and trying to talk to me again.” Brooke fiddles with the couch cushions. It’s a measly excuse, and she knows it. 

“Because the last time she did, you brushed her off and walked away from her. Maybe she’s trying to give you the space to come to her first?”

Brooke sighs, because there’s a chance that Nina is right. Not that she wants to face it. “Who made you so smart?” 

Nina squeezes her hand and smiles. “There’s a reason I got the position of Chief and not you.”

“You know I didn’t even apply, bitch.” Brooke shoves Nina’s side when she snickers. “But thank you. For listening to all of this.” 

Nina gives her a look. “You know I’m always here for it, the way you’re always here for me, too. Stop bottling things up and let someone with common sense set you straight for a change.”

“No one can set me straight.” Hey, Brooke may be spiralling more than she’d like to admit, but even she can’t miss the opportunity for a gay joke. 

Nina snorts. “Hilarious. Truly.” 

Brooke leans against her side, feeling the way Nina that leans her head on hers in response. The thought of talking to Vanessa makes her stomach churn like she’s twelve and about to give a speech in class for the first time. What if Vanessa really does want it to be over, confirms everything that Brooke suspects? 

Or, an even more daunting thought - what if she doesn’t? 


	13. chapter thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you mean it?” Brooke’s voice is softer, more timid than Vanessa’s ever heard it before but it feels like a lifeline, one that Vanessa’s going to take after so long of treading water in uncertain waves. 
> 
> “Mean what?” Vanessa doesn’t want to assume anything, like she’s done for so long. She’s going to make Brooke be crystal clear and leave no room for any missed messages between them at all. 
> 
> “What you said. On that voicemail you left.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for all the wonderful and sweet feedback you've been giving me on this fic. I appreciate it more than you know <3 Writ continues to be the best beta ever.

(then)

Vanessa can’t help how often she checks the mail. 

Waiting for their letters from all of the medical schools is absolutely killing Vanessa, making it feel like her and Brooke are both suspended in mid-air, and waiting for the cable that’s holding onto them to drop them down to the ground. The only problem is, neither of them know when it’s going to happen.

Vanessa hates not knowing. She could get into every single school or none of them at all, leaving her plans for the next year up in the air because she’s just waiting and waiting, twiddling her thumbs while the admissions committees for each school take their sweet time in deciding who to let in. She doesn’t even know what city she’s going to be in come fall - depending where she gets in, there’s no telling where she might end up. Considering that it’s already early spring, she’s antsy. It feels like she has no time left to plan out what’s going to happen in the fall, while she waits for the other shoe to drop. 

And then there’s Brooke, who’s applied to the same programs, who could get into the same ones that Vanessa does, or maybe they won’t get into the same schools at all. What if they get into different schools in different cities and have to do long distance, all while balancing the workload of medical school? Sure, phone calls and visits are a thing, but it’s not going to be the same as living together like they are now, sharing their lives and leaning on each other. Vanessa selfishly hopes that they get into the same schools, just so that they can stay a duo.

She swings past their apartment building’s mailbox on the way back from the supermarket, ingredients for dinner in her arms. She has to put the grocery bags at her feet to free up a hand to open their mailbox, hoping, just hoping, that today will be the day that they hear back from one school, at least. 

Vanessa tosses the flyers and advertisements in the recycling bin, not paying them a second thought as she rifles past them one by one, before nearly dropping the stack of mail in her hands. 

Two envelopes. 

One big and bulky, legal sized. 

One tiny and letter sized, holding what looks like to only be a flimsy paper. 

Vanessa’s heart pounds in her chest as she flips both of them over to see who they’re addressed to, and she feels it drops straight down to her stomach. 

The bulky envelope is from Queen’s University, is addressed to Brooke. The small envelope, while also from Queen’s, is addressed to her. 

Vanessa doesn’t even need to open them to figure out what it means. 

She feels like she’s in a trance as she carries the groceries to the elevator, getting off at their floor as the walk down the hallway to their shared apartment feels like it lasts for miles. Brooke waves brightly at her from the kitchen as she enters, already having started to chop the vegetables for their dinner. 

“Hey!”

“Hey.” Vanessa barely looks up from the envelopes in her hand as she says it, swallowing hard. “Queen’s sent stuff.”

Brooke drops the knife and the cauliflower that she was cutting back onto the counter. “Yeah?”

Vanessa holds Brooke’s envelope out to her before beginning to open her own. Maybe, just maybe, this is all a dream, and a thin, small envelope from Queen’s doesn’t mean what she thinks it means. 

_ Dear Miss Mateo, _

_ We regret to inform you that your application to the School of Medicine at Queen’s University was unsuccessful. This year brought more applications than the school has ever received in the past, making the selection process long and difficult. We encourage you to apply elsewhere and wish you continued success in your future endeavours- _

“I’m in! Queen’s accepted me, they let me in!” 

Brooke’s shriek of happiness echoes in Vanessa’s ears as she scans over her own letter, the words not quite sinking in because no, no, _ no _, this isn’t happening, it can’t be, Queen’s hasn’t let her in, what if the other schools don’t accept her either-

“V! You okay, baby?” Brooke’s face is still lined with joy as she picks Vanessa up around the waist, spins her around. 

Vanessa can feel the lump rising in her throat as she tries to smile. “So proud of you, B. So proud.” 

Brooke’s brow furrows as she glances down at the paper in Vanessa’s hand. “What is that-_ oh.” _

Brooke steps back, grabbing it from her, and Vanessa can see the way her face transforms from an expression of jubilation to horror and suddenly she’s looking back up at Vanessa with wide eyes. 

“Shit, shit, _ shit.” _

Vanessa shrugs, trying to ignore the way her heart feels like it weighs heavier than lead, pulling her down into the ground. She plasters on the best smile that she can. “It’s ‘kay. It’s only one school, right? There will be more.”

Vanessa takes a deep breath, ignoring the way Brooke opens her mouth to protest. “Besides, you got in! To Queen’s! Let’s celebrate that, baby. How fucking amazing.”

It _ is _amazing, that’s the thing. Vanessa feels like she’s experiencing whiplash with her conflicting emotions - she’s so, so happy for her girlfriend. Brooke has worked her ass off the last three years, studying and getting as much experience as she can and forgoing sleep and many social plans in the quest to get into med school. And now she’s done it, with one school at least. She’s guaranteed third year entry somewhere now. 

Vanessa isn’t. Queen’s hadn’t even been her first choice, but the rejection feels like a slap in the face, a whisper of _ you fucked up, you’re not enough, you should have tried harder. _That Queen’s thinks that she isn’t fit to be a doctor. 

Maybe it’s true. There must be a reason that Brooke’s gotten in and she hasn’t. 

But there’s still four schools to hear back from, right? Maybe she still has a chance. A small, fighting chance. 

* * *

_ Miss Mateo, _

_ Thank you for your application to the Schulich School of Medicine at the University of Western Ontario. We are writing to inform you that you have been placed on the waitlist for the MD program. You will be contacted should a change in your status on the waitlist occur. In the meantime, please check your mail regularly as you will have a limited time to accept the offer should one be provided. _

Vanessa tosses the envelope from Western into the trashcan as she tries to blink back the tears from her eyes. Waitlist. Not accepted, but waitlisted. 

At least she hasn’t been rejected. Yet. She wouldn’t be able to handle another blow to her ego so soon. 

Except that being waitlisted almost feels worse. She’s still trapped in limbo, not quite in but not quite out and it’s all going to depend on the people who have been accepted before her, should they choose not to go to Western so that she can move up on the list. 

Still not good enough to get in on the first try. 

Vanessa leaves Brooke’s bulky envelope from Western on the counter for her to look at once she gets home. She doesn’t need to snoop and open it to know that it’s another acceptance. 

Brooke’s going to have her pick of schools to choose from. She’s going to get choose which medical school she wants to go to, because multiple schools want her and it’s fine, really. Vanessa’s happy for her, she is. 

Brooke only deserves good things in her life. Vanessa knows that fact more than anything. She just wishes that she could get some of those good things for herself, too. 

* * *

Vanessa’s almost asleep when Brooke crawls into bed beside her, back from a late night at the neuro lab at the hospital where she’s volunteering. Brooke wraps her arm around Vanessa’s waist, and Vanessa can feel the way that she nuzzles her face into her back, pulls her closer. 

“Hey, B.” Vanessa covers Brooke’s arm around her with her own. She doesn’t want to turn around, look at Brooke’s face just yet. Brooke has probably seen the envelope on the counter already, and knows that she’s gotten into Western. 

“I’m sorry.” Brooke’s voice is mumbled into her back, and makes Vanessa’s heart feel even heavier. 

Vanessa rolls over, faces Brooke while still in her arms because she doesn’t want to make her feel guilty for being successful. Brooke’s leaning on one of her arms, facing her, biting her lip as she scans her face for any signs of distress and Vanessa lets out a heavy sigh. 

“Don’t be. Not your fault. You got in, which is freaking amazing. So far you’re two for two.” It’s not Brooke’s fault. It’s not. She deserves to have gotten in. 

Though a small part of Vanessa wishes it had been her getting the bulky envelope instead. 

Brooke reaches out to tuck a curl behind her ear, and Vanessa can’t help but lean into her touch. “I don’t have to start this year, y’know. Can always wait till next year if-”

“Don’t finish that sentence.” Vanessa can’t help but cut her off because no, that’s stupid and Brooke’s being stupid and does she even know what she has? “No matter what happens with me, you’re gonna start this year. You got in. Be proud of it, don’t hold back just because of me. I’m not worth that.”

“But you _ are_, Ness.” Brooke lets out a frustrated sigh. “We still have three schools to hear back from so this is probably going to be a moot point, but I don’t wanna do it without you. You deserve it as much as me and if no one sees it, they’re stupid. And I don’t wanna go.”

“Forget me, B, this isn’t about me.” Brooke looks like she wants to protest, but Vanessa continues. “This is big. Fucking big. And you’re gonna take it and no matter what happens with me, we’ll figure it out. Worst thing that happens is I finish up fourth year and apply again for med school next year. No biggie.” 

“But-”

“Shut up and be proud of yourself. Don’t let this pull you down, because you fucking did it and that’s major.” Vanessa turns back around, leaning back into Brooke and she can feel the way that Brooke tugs her closer, nuzzling into her. 

“‘Kay.” 

Brooke drifts off into sleep before Vanessa does, her breaths evening out and becoming deeper and they only serve to make Vanessa feel more awake. 

It sucks. It fucking sucks. She hadn’t been good enough to get in, and now she’s holding Brooke back from really appreciating what she’s done. 

If Vanessa had gotten in, she would have been thrilled. 

But then again, Vanessa’s not sure how she would have reacted if she had gotten in and Brooke hadn’t. 

She wants to hear back from the other three schools already. Maybe she’s gotten into one of those, and they really do have nothing to worry about. 

Vanessa hopes so, or else she’s going to lose her fucking mind. 

* * *

(now)

The knock on Vanessa’s office door towards the end of her shift is quiet. She rubs at her temples, the exhaustion from the day beginning to catch up to her from the slight headache that’s pressing on the sides of her head. “Come in.”

There’s no response on the other side of the door, no move to open it. Vanessa can feel her brow furrowing along with a growing annoyance. She doesn’t feel like getting up herself to let the person in, she’s tired as hell. “I said, come in!” 

The door remains closed and Vanessa grumbles, getting up and shuffling towards it, flinging it open with a little extra force than she should. 

There’s no one there. Vanessa sticks her head out, turning to look towards both ends of the hallway and-

“Brooke!”

She’s already halfway down the hallway but clearly hears Vanessa, from the way she flinches and turns around on her heels excruciatingly slowly. 

Brooke’s here, Brooke’s knocked on her door. Vanessa had tried so, so hard to stay back, to give her space and wait but now that she’s here, Vanessa feels like she’s near about to be knocked over. 

“Did you knock? Why were you leaving?” Vanessa’s voice comes out a little bit more desperate than she wants to but she can’t help it, this is the first time she’s seen Brooke in days outside of work hours and she can’t walk away _ now _. 

Brooke tucks a layer behind her ear, eyes flitting to the ground, to the ceiling, to the hallway behind her. Not looking at Vanessa. “Doesn’t matter. I was being stupid, I...forget it.”

“No.” The answer comes out loud, fast, reverberating down the hallway, enough that Brooke finally looks up at her, raising her eyebrows. 

“No?”

“No. You were coming here to talk, yeah? Let’s talk.” Part of Vanessa wants to beg, drag Brooke towards her office, because she can’t keep doing this. Pretending everything is fine and dandy when Brooke won’t look at her while she misses her so, so much. 

Vanessa doesn’t need to, because Brooke’s coming closer to her, actually walking towards her office. She looks as scared as Vanessa feels, but it’s better than the indifference that’s been lining her features until now. 

Vanessa lets her in and shuts the door. Half of her wants to crack a joke, grab Brooke’s lab coat as if she’s a visiting guest at her house, offer some snacks. But the other half of her is telling her to shut the fuck up for once and let Brooke speak first. She lets that side win. 

“Did you mean it?” Brooke’s voice is softer, more timid than Vanessa’s ever heard it before but it feels like a lifeline, one that Vanessa’s going to take after so long of treading water in uncertain waves. 

“Mean what?” Vanessa doesn’t want to assume anything, like she’s done for so long. She’s going to make Brooke be crystal clear and leave no room for any missed messages between them at all. 

“What you said. On that voicemail you left.”

Vanessa has to resist the urge to cringe. The fucking voicemail. Her drunk ass being unable to hold anything back towards the sole occupant of her thoughts. 

Even though everything she said was, and is, completely true. 

“I said a lot of things on that voicemail.” Perhaps stalling isn’t the best decision, especially since Vanessa is the one who’s been trying to get them to talk but at the same time she feels open, exposed. As if she has to take the first jump. 

But at the same time Vanessa’s tired of holding it back, walking on a tightrope for no reason. Sure, maybe they don’t have a safety net underneath them ready to catch them if they fall from this. But with Brooke, she used to feel like she already had her own set of wings - who’s to say she’d even need another safety net?

“I did mean it. I fucking did.” The words come out of Vanessa’s mouth with more conviction than anything she’s ever said in her life. “I miss you. And I was stupid. And I thought…” She trails off because Brooke’s face is too distracting, Brooke’s face that reads in wariness but also _ hope, _her wide eyes saying enough. 

“What did you think?” 

Vanessa huffs, because she _ knows _that Brooke remembers what she said and just wants her to say it again, to rub it in. “Thought your ass only wanted to get in my pants. And I couldn’t do it, okay? So it made sense.”

Brooke sputters, crossing her arms. “Why would you think that? Why would you leave?” 

_ Again? _

The word goes unsaid, but Vanessa can hear it hanging in the air, on the tip of Brooke’s tongue.

So maybe Vanessa had left again. Like when things had ended. It’s how she copes.

“I asked what we were and instead of trying to have a proper conversation, you just kissed me. What was I supposed to think?” Looking back, it still seems logical in Vanessa’s mind. Brooke had answered her question without words, telling her what her priorities were. Or at least, Vanessa had thought so. 

“Oh, so it couldn’t have meant anything else? Like ‘_oh, let’s talk about it later’, _ or maybe ‘_I actually still care about you’ _?” 

Well. When Brooke puts it that way. 

Nonetheless, Vanessa crosses her arms. “How was I supposed to know?” Sure, she knows (_ used _to know) Brooke better than any other fucking person on earth, but she’s not a mind reader. 

“I dunno,” Brooke’s voice is sarcastic, “maybe we could have _talked _about it instead of you leaving my office in a hurry.”

Vanessa points a finger at her. “You can’t be the one to talk about discussion, when you’ve been the one avoiding me.”

“Because I’m-” Brooke cuts herself off, letting out a frustrated sigh as she looks up at the ceiling before dragging her eyes back to Vanessa. “I’m tired, Vanessa. I can’t do this anymore, this back and forth. One moment you’re here and the next you’re pushing me away like I’ve personally caused you the plague, and you’re the only person where shit like that actually manages to piss me off.” 

Brooke catches her breath but Vanessa’s holding her own, the words replaying in her brain because sure, Brooke’s been acting indifferent and with a mask on but Vanessa knows that it isn’t the full story. 

“I don’t wanna push you away.” The words slip out before Vanessa can stop them, because her subconscious is nothing if not impulsive and she needs Brooke to know. “I’m done with that shit now. ‘Cause I know that you are too.” 

She doesn’t know if Brooke even feels anything towards her at all, if Brooke still gives a shit. But she’s going to take a risk and see because she’s tired of assuming that she doesn’t. 

Vanessa remembers the way Brooke had been looking at her the last time they had sex in her office, when she had called her Nessa and the world had tilted on its axis right then and there, just for a second. The way that Brooke had held her like she was the most precious thing in the world, too afraid to let her go, lest she ever lose her again. 

Even Vanessa’s brain isn’t imaginative enough to make up those memories, not when they’ve been burned into her brain and replaying over and over and over again like a prayer she can’t forget. 

But then Brooke’s taking a step towards her, closer and closer until Vanessa has to tilt her head up to look at her. There’s really no point in wearing heels around Brooke, since they never actually make a significant difference. Brooke is close enough that Vanessa can feel the energy radiating off of her, sparks that pop and crackle and sure, Vanessa could get burned by them, they both could, but does she care?

Not anymore. 

It’s like a switch breaks because Brooke’s right there and wrapping her arms around her and _ kissing _her and it’s different from before, it is, because Vanessa can feel everything that Brooke is pouring into it. The pain, the heartbreak, the longing that Vanessa feels right back and the ragged breath that leaves Brooke when they break apart mirrors the way that Vanessa can feel her heart beating too fast in her chest. 

Brooke’s hand is still cradling Vanessa’s face, her thumb brushing against her cheek and it’s a touch so feather light and soft that Vanessa’s not sure if it’s really there, even as she looks up at her with wide eyes. She lifts up a hand to cover Brooke’s, to keep it there and be sure that it’s really happening. That this is real. 

“I’ve missed you too.” Brooke murmurs the words as she studies Vanessa’s face, and her gaze feels soft, not quite burning like she expected but warming her from the inside out. “Never stopped missing you.” 

“Me neither.” Vanessa breathes out the words as the gravity of them begins to settle in, the way that no moves across the continent, no other ex girlfriends have managed to completely shut down the way that her heart seems to tug just for Brooke. “Fuck.”

Standing here, having Brooke in her grasp and so close feels like a dream, one that she’d longed for as a resident on her night shifts, back when all she felt was alone and exhausted, and wanted to go back. Back to Toronto, back to Brooke because Brooke was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she had let it all go. She’d never missed anyone like she’d missed Brooke. Sure, she’d tried to stop herself, tried to cut off the piece of her heart that wouldn’t stop whispering _ Brooke Brooke Brooke _in the hopes that she could be free from it, let that part of her life go.

Now, though? It’s back with a vengeance, and Vanessa is ready to let it take over the rest of her soul, too.

But it’s also been eleven years. Eleven years of other girlfriends and different cities and moving up in their careers and_ so much_ has happened, and they’re not the same Brooke and Vanessa that they used to be. They’re not, because they’ve been through eleven more years of life without each other. No matter how much Vanessa wants to pretend that they can go back, they can’t.

“What do we do?” Vanessa asks because she doesn’t know. How can they try and pick up the pieces from so many years ago?

Brooke studies her face for a moment, her thumb still soft against Vanessa’s cheek. “We start fresh.” 

Vanessa can feel her brow furrowing as she looks at Brooke in confusion. “How?” How can they let everything go? Even if they can, should they?

“Like this.” Brooke pulls back from her for a second, a smile playing on her lips as she sticks a hand out towards her. “Hi. I’m Brooke.”

Vanessa snorts, looking at her hand. “You’re a doofus.”

Brooke takes a small step closer as she wiggles her outstretched fingers. “Introduce yourself, don’t be rude.”

Vanessa rolls her eyes, trying not to smile. She’s missed this side of Brooke, this silly, playful version of Brooke that she hasn’t seen in a long time. Vanessa grabs Brooke’s hand and shakes it, unable to keep the smile on her face from growing when Brooke lights up. “Nessa. Though you know that.”

Brooke’s eyes soften at the nickname, as she bites her lip, and uses their interlocked hands to pull Vanessa closer towards her. “Now you’re a real cute stranger. Let me take you out on a date?”

“Isn’t that supposed to come before fucking each other on our desks?” Vanessa can’t help it, letting out the quip even as her heart feels like it’s soaring, like they can _ fix _this, write themselves a new ending to replace the ruined pages of how they ended. 

Brooke lets out a scoff at her statement, swinging their hands in the space between them, though her eyes are twinkling. “You saying you didn’t like it when I bent you over and-”

Vanessa cuts her off, swatting her arm. “Never said I _ didn’t. _You’re too damn smug.”

“Because I _ definitely _enjoyed riding your f-”

“One more word and I ain’t coming on a date with you.”

“So that’s a yes, then?” Brooke’s smiling but it’s tentative, nervous, as if she’s really worried about Vanessa saying no. As if she’d ever. Not now, not anymore.

“Better take me somewhere nice.”

Brooke pulls her close to kiss her again, and Vanessa finds that wrapping her arms around her feels as easy as falling asleep, like they’re two halves of a whole that have always fit together just right, they way they’ve always meant to. 

Vanessa doesn’t even care where they go, what they do. The fact that they have a chance to try again, fix things? Knowing that Brooke cares, Brooke misses her too, she’s not shutting herself off and they’re not having any miscommunications anymore-

It’s a lot.

They still need to talk. Figure things out, work through the baggage and the unspoken words they’re holding back between them that are laced with hurt and unresolved feelings, built up more and more with time. If they don’t, they’ll end up repeating themselves, ending in a blaze that burns too strong to escape from without scars. 

But they don’t have to do it right away. Vanessa doesn’t want to just yet, because Brooke’s right _here _and talking to her and she’s not her hotshot doctor self who has the entire hospital wrapped around her finger. She’s acting like _her _Brooke, and Vanessa never wants to lose her again. 

Not anymore.


	14. chapter fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And spent most of those at the hospital, bitch, you know that. Feels like that’s my apartment rather than this place.” Vanessa spins slowly, looking around. “Not a home here just yet.” 
> 
> “I can help you unpack, sometime, if you need it.” The offer slips out of Brooke’s mouth before she realizes, and she wants to clap a hand over her mouth but then Vanessa is looking at her with a tilted head, a smile in her eyes. 
> 
> “Yeah? You ain’t just saying that ‘cause you’re standing in my apartment?” 
> 
> “Nah, I mean it.” Brooke does, when she thinks about it. Maybe making Toronto a home for Vanessa again will mean that she’ll want to stick around, not leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for the continued wonderful feedback on this fic. I appreciate every single comment so much, they all make my heart so happy. Writ continues to be the most wonderful beta <3

(then) 

_ Dear Miss Hytes, _

_ We are delighted to inform you that you have been accepted to the MD program at the University of Toronto’s Faculty of Medicine. In this package, you will find information concerning next steps to take should you accept the offer. We look forward to seeing you in September. _

Brooke’s done it. 

Gotten into U of T for med school, something that she’s always wanted. On third year entry, so she gets to start a whole year early. 

So why isn’t she happy about it?

She flips through the package with shaky hands, flitting her gaze between the papers and the small envelope that is addressed to Vanessa, sitting on the counter. She bites her lip. 

It’s unfair. Out of the five schools that she’s applied to, she’s gotten into three, waitlisted at one, and rejected from one. Vanessa’s been waitlisted at two, rejected from two, and the thin envelope on the counter from UofT does not look promising by any means. 

Brooke doesn’t get it. They’ve both worked their asses off, gotten similar grades, similar experience. They helped each other edit their personal statements and practiced for their interviews together. Why have they gotten completely different answers from the same schools? 

It feels like some sort of cosmic sick joke, the universe trying to separate them after being able to tell how _ bad _both of them want this. 

Brooke’s afraid that it’s going to drive them apart, because how are they supposed to get through this? She doesn’t want to see Vanessa’s reaction to the envelope, she can’t, because it’s the final nail in the coffin, proclaiming that Brooke can go to med school but Vanessa has to be left behind for her to do so. 

She almost wishes that the two of them didn’t apply for third year entry. They could have finished off their fourth years and graduated together and truly enjoyed themselves. Starting med school, even a year early, feels stupid now. 

Brooke jumps when she hears the key in the lock turn at the front door, biting her lip because there Vanessa is, grinning and with no idea what’s waiting for her on the counter. 

“B, there was the coolest patient today on the cardiac stepdown unit. He was there for his third pacemaker. Third! He’s gone through two pacemaker surgeries already and just shrugged when the attending told him he’d need another one, can you believe that?” Vanessa’s eyes are alight with excitement and normally it’s one of Brooke’s favourite sights, because seeing Vanessa talk about something that she loves so much fills own her heart up with love. But today, it’s a reminder of the bad news that Vanessa’s about to get. And Brooke’s going to have to watch. 

“What are you holding?” Vanessa drops her bag into the counter, shuffling closer towards her before stopping abruptly in her tracks. “Oh.”

“Let me guess.” Vanessa’s laugh is bitter as she grabs the thin envelope on the table, one that can only hold a rejection letter because it’s too small to hold anything else. “This one is mine.”

Brooke can’t help the way her voice comes out pleading as she comes around to the other side of the table. “Ness-” 

“Don’t. I...I have to go.” Vanessa draws in a breath, grabbing her phone and keys from the table and turning on her heels. “I’m sorry, I just. I can’t right now. I need space, B.”

Brooke can see the way Vanessa’s eyes are filling with tears, the hand she lifts to angrily wipe them away before turning towards the door. She feels frozen in place, because she wants to go up to Vanessa, hug her and reassure her that everything will be okay, but she doesn’t even know that herself right now. 

And how can it be, when only one of them has actually gotten into med school? 

“V-”

“I’ll be back later.” Brooke’s not sure if she’s imagining the sniffle that she hears in Vanessa’s voice before she shuts the door, but the click of the lock as it turns feels final, like they can’t go back from here. Like she can’t go outside and chase Vanessa because there’s a barrier between them now, one that Vanessa’s put up because Brooke’s gone and gotten into med school and-

God. They really just shouldn’t have gone and applied for third year entry. 

* * *

“Your girl is currently pouting on my couch, eating all of the chocolate chip cookies that I bought.” Silky’s voice nearly makes Brooke sigh out loud in relief. 

“Oh, thank god.” Brooke runs a hand through her hair. Knowing that Vanessa’s gone to Silky’s place calms Brooke down a little, because at least she’s somewhere safe. 

“So what happened?” Silky’s voice is hushed, as hushed as she can get, on the other end of the phone.

“Wait, she didn’t tell you?” Brooke’s surprised. One of Vanessa’s first reactions when she’s upset or angry is to vent, to let out what’s bothering her. She’d expected today to be no exception.

“Nope. Just plopped herself down on my couch and keeps sniffling. Brought her a box of tissues from my room before sitting down beside her.”

“Ugh.” Brooke feels awful, like she’s the one who’s caused this. In a way, she has. Not getting into any of the schools must feel like an even deeper cut for Vanessa after seeing that Brooke’s got into three. Brooke feels the lump in her throat growing, and has to swallow hard to keep herself from tearing up. She hates being the cause of Vanessa’s pain.

“So? Spill. Did y’all have a nasty fight or something?” Silky’s voice is curious. “‘Cause never seen you two _ really _get into it, other than bickering over stupid shit.”

“We heard back from U of T today.” The envelopes sit on the counter, taunting her. She wants to throw them away and never think about them again. 

Silky sucks in a breath. “Oh, shit. So Vanj didn’t...”

“No.” Brooke whispers it. “What do I do, Silk? How can I make it better, at all?”

“You can’t.” Silky’s answer makes Brooke’s heart sink even though she’s expected it, though she needed to hear it from another person. “But at the same time, it ain’t your fault. And you can’t let it dampen the fact that you got into your dream school, either. Which is a big fucking deal.” 

“Does it even matter now, though? It’s not going to be the same.” Brooke tries to imagine going through medical school, leaving Vanessa behind. It feels wrong, somehow, like it’s deviating from the plans that they’ve dreamed about for years. 

“Who cares? Y’all may be constantly attached at the hip, but you’re also your own people. You’re not one giant ass blob required to do the same thing every time. That’s not how relationships work.” 

“I _ know _ that, but-” Brooke pauses because Silky is right, and she knows it, but it just feels strange. “I don’t want to leave her behind.”

“You’re not. ‘Cause she’s gonna follow right behind you next year, and you know that. ‘Cause y’all will stay a team, that don’t have to change.”

“It feels like it already has.” Brooke sinks down into their couch that feels so empty without Vanessa on it too, leaning against her or propping her feet up. “I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her, because everything coming out of my mouth feels like it’s going to make it worse.”

“Maybe it will, for awhile.” Silky’s voice is contemplative. “It did just happen. She needs time to heal from it, and so do you. But it ain’t gonna be a fresh wound forever.”

“So what do I do in the meantime?” Brooke feels like a bull in a china shop, about to knock everything over should she take a step in the wrong direction, and make Vanessa feel even more hurt. 

“Be there for her. She’s probably gonna be hurt, still a little mad. Maybe take it out on you. Don’t put up with that shit, but at the same time show her you still care.”

“Why _ wouldn’t _I care?” The thought feels so incredulous, so ridiculous in Brooke’s brain that it nearly makes her laugh. 

“I know you do, Lord knows the rest of our friends do because you two are obsessed with each other. But who knows if she’ll feel like you’re leaving her behind, or done with her - which you’re not, I know - but she needs to know that too.” 

What Silky’s saying makes sense to Brooke. She needs to be proud of her own accomplishments, that she’s done it, while also showing Vanessa that it doesn’t mean things have to change between them. Brooke doesn’t want it to, doesn’t want to lose what they’ve created together over the last three years. Vanessa’s worth too much to her for them to do that. 

* * *

Their bed feels too empty, too big, as if it stretches out for miles and miles with no end in sight. Brooke feels too exposed, too cold, despite the two comforters that she’s curled up underneath, burrowing herself in further in an effort to get warm. She misses her space heater, the small ball of heat that is Vanessa who loves to sleep curled up in her arms, her waves tickling her face as she dozes off. Except now her arms are empty, and there’s no one to keep her warm, no one to nuzzle into her. No one to accidentally elbow her and make her wake up with a yelp. 

Brooke misses her. 

She wonders if Vanessa is equally miserable on Silky’s couch, the leather sticking to her skin as she tries to sleep in an unfamiliar place. A small part of Brooke wants to walk over and get her, bring her back home, because this feels too wrong for the both of them. 

Brooke presses her face against her pillow, the cotton soft on her cheek. The way that it smells like softness of Vanessa’s shampoo makes the lump in her throat become ever so much more noticeable. 

Sleep never quite takes her under as she tosses and turns, watching the clock on her bedside table flip past two, three, four, five a.m, until the sun is beginning to light up the world outside. Brooke’s not sure if she’s imagining it when she hears the soft pad of feet into the room as birds begin to chirp, feels a body climb into the bed behind her. Though the arm that wraps around her waist, the sigh against her shoulder blade is unmistakable, making her heartbeat speed up inexplicably faster despite the sunrise casting a glow along the curtains. 

Brooke doesn’t move, wondering if Vanessa thinks that she’s asleep. As if she’s gotten in any hours at all. But then Vanessa’s arm around her tightens, and Brooke can feel the way she murmurs softly against against her back.

“M’sorry.”

Brooke lets out a small breath that sounds more ragged than she wants it to, more revealing of how much Vanessa coming back is beginning to tape her heart back together. “S’okay.” 

It’s not. Brooke knows it’s not, Vanessa probably knows that it’s not, too. But what are they supposed to do? How can they fix something that’s been broken by neither of them, something that’s completely out of their control?

Brooke turns slowly in Vanessa’s grasp until she’s facing her, and Vanessa takes the opportunity to shuffle closer, burying her face against her and tangling their legs together, as if any physical distance between them could be considered a crime. 

“Didn’t sleep.”

“Me neither.” Brooke runs her fingers up and down Vanessa’s back, and the motion feels like it’s regulating her heartbeat once more, taming the erraticness that has been taunting her the entire night. 

Brooke presses a kiss to Vanessa’s hair, hears her sigh softly in response, snuggle closer. “Let’s try now.”

“‘Kay.” Vanessa mumbles the words and Brooke can already hear the way that her breaths are beginning to deepen, the way her muscles are relaxing from their tensed up state. Brooke’s sure that her own body is mirroring Vanessa’s, from the way that she’s finally, finally starting to feel heavier, sleep taking over the edges of her subconscious for the first time all night. 

Maybe so much reliance on another person is not the best for Brooke’s heart, making it dependent on the existence of someone who is living their own life, one which may not always coincide with hers. But at the same time, she craves it. Having someone who’s her person, who’s there for her and whom she’s there for too. 

Brooke’s going to try and be there. For Vanessa, throughout the next year. She’s not sure what it’s going to bring, with her starting med school and Vanessa starting her fourth year, but she’s going to try. Vanessa’s going to apply again and this time it’s going to be successful, it _ has _to, because Vanessa’s one of the smartest and hard working people that Brooke’s ever met in her life. 

She’s going to keep telling her so too, over and over until she starts to believe it again. Though she’ll do so after they wake up in the morning. 

* * *

(now)

“Hey, D. What are you FaceTiming me in the middle of the day for?” Brooke answers the call as she walks back to her office from the cafeteria, holding the salad that she’s bought because she had been too busy to make lunch the night before. 

“Okay, I know that we’re grabbing drinks this weekend, and we’ll properly catch up then and everything, but I couldn’t wait because you _ know _ how much I love Jake Gyllenhaal, and his hot ass came for a press stop today- _ No, _ Julia, I said a skim latte with half sugar, not full-anyway, a bitch got his number because I’m what? Unprofessional while at my job!” Brooke watches her screen amusedly as Detox lets it all out in one breath, complete with a flourish of her arm behind her. 

“You’re unbelievable.” Brooke snorts as Detox barely hears her, scolding another production assistant on screen. 

Detox looks back, and shrugs. “Hey, you know me. I rarely get starstruck after having to interview so many celebs that turn out to be terrible people. This man, though? Told me his sandwich made him feel, and I quote, ‘a sense of peace.’ Who says shit like that? Jake Gyllenhaal, that’s who.” 

“How on earth did you get his number?” Brooke’s impressed. Being a daytime talk show host, Detox has rubbed arms with her fair share of celebrities, though her finessing abilities are still surprising to Brooke sometimes. 

“Told him how _ my _sandwich calmed my own existential dread.” Detox says it with a straight face, making Brooke narrow her eyes. 

“You did _ not.” _

“Okay, I did not, but I also wore an incredibly ass hugging skirt on set today, which definitely did me some favours and made sure that he saw before I went up and talked to him. Using my womanly powers for good, baby.” Detox flips her perfectly styled hair over her shoulder, and Brooke shakes her head as she takes a bite of her salad. 

“You are truly something else. I’m so proud.”

Detox grins on her screen. “Just thought I’d share because you’ve kept hounding me after Mark and I broke up that I deserved better than him-”

“You do, he was terrible-”

“-and now I’ve found it! Score one for me, and it’s with the cryptid man himself. Gonna get me some celebrity dick.” 

Brooke lets out a laugh. “Very happy for you, D. Can't wait to hear all about him this weekend.”

Detox points a finger at her. “Prepare your sensitive ears, because I’m sparing no details.”

“When have you ever?” Brooke raises an eyebrow. Detox’s escapades are wild to hear about second-hand, and make Brooke incredibly relieved that she’s not into men. Though Detox seems to enjoy herself, and so Brooke’s happy that her friend is having a good time. 

Detox pauses. “Fair point. Now tell me how you’re doing, I haven’t seen your cute doctor face in like, two months.” 

“You’re right, we’re way too busy.” Brooke sighs because both her and Detox are always swamped at work, their schedules never quite overlapping enough for regular hangouts. Though Brooke always feels like they’re able to lapse back into their old selves whenever they have a chance to talk, as if no time has passed at all, and it feels like they’re back in their first year university dorm once more. “I’m okay, taking a small lunch before a procedure at 12:45-”

“Hold up.” Detox is narrowing her eyes at the screen, and Brooke has to resist fidgeting under her gaze as she takes another bite of her salad. 

“What?” 

“You’re looking weird.”

Brooke makes a face. “Rude. I’m not looking weird.”

Detox moves her face closer. “Not _ bad _weird, just. Something’s different.”

Brooke’s phone _ dings _with a text message that shows up on the top of the screen, and she has to keep the smile from growing on her face when she sees it’s from Vanessa. 

_ VM: see you tn! i’m excited :) x _

“See! That right there!” Detox’s screech nearly makes Brooke jump and drop her phone. 

“What?” 

“You’re glowing like Rihanna herself gave you a Fenty Beauty makeover.” Brooke watches her screen as Detox leans back in a chair. “Tell me.”

“I dunno? I slept well?” Better than she has in ages, in fact, though Detox doesn’t need to know that. 

Detox leans forward, a gasp leaving her mouth. “You’re having sex.”

Brooke sputters. “Okay, first of all, rude, I have a sex life-”

Detox’s face is one of glee. “Nah, B, you’re _ really _having sex like, you’re hella enjoying it and maybe even falling head over heels for the person kinda sex. You got that sex glow.”

“What sex glow?” Brooke subconsciously looks at her reflection in the FaceTime camera. “I’m a little sweaty in this lab coat, that’s all.” 

“The happy sex glow. The one people wear when they get dicked down so good that they’re walking on air for weeks afterwards. Or in your case, pussied down I guess?” Detox makes a face. “Though doesn’t have the same ring to it.” 

“Well, I haven’t.” It’s true. The last person she slept with was the girl at the bar to forget about Vanessa, not that it did much but it didn’t even _ matter _in the end because-

Detox interrupts her train of thought. “I haven’t seen you looking this stupid since-_ wait _.”

Detox’s gasp make Brooke shift in her seat. “What?”

“You’re not. Tell me you’re not.”

“Not _ what?” _

“You _ are!” _ Detox’s screech echoes around Brooke’s office like a megaphone. “Fuck, I knew it, after you said Vanessa moved back here a few months ago I _ knew it-” _

“What are you-”

“_You’re sleeping with her again!” _Detox is loud enough that the people behind her on Brooke’s screen turn to look at her, and Brooke has to resist a groan. 

“Technically, we’re not-”

“I don’t even care what happens for the rest of the day, my god.” Detox fans herself. “You’re back with your ex-girlfriend and suddenly we’re back in university, I love this.” 

“We’re not back together.” Brooke pauses on the word, because it seems like everything with Vanessa comes with an asterisk, a note of explanation. “Yet.”

“Yet! Ladies and gentlemen, she said _ yet.” _Detox lifts her arm in a fist pump, one that freezes in the air when a voice behind her shouts out her name. “I gotta go, we’re filming again in a second, but if you don’t give me all the details this weekend, this friendship is over. That’s a lie, but you still gotta tell me everything because I need to hear it.” 

Brooke rolls her eyes, but can’t resist the smile that’s beginning to grow on her face. “Will do.”

Brooke makes a mental note to search up Detox’s episode with Jake Gyllenhaal once it airs, if only for the chaos that the two of them are going to exude on screen. Brooke loves her, loves the fact that they’ve managed to stay friends despite the wildly different paths that their careers have taken. 

Plus, she can’t help but be excited to talk about Vanessa again. 

Brooke thinks back to the day before, where it felt _ right, _and Vanessa said that she missed her too, and she realized that maybe, just maybe, Vanessa wanted something more, too. 

Maybe Vanessa won’t cast her to the side this time. 

Vanessa had sounded equally excited when they made plans to go out after work, to grab some food and just catch up and talk about the past eleven years that have gone by faster than either of them have been able to stop them. Vanessa had told her to dress up and Brooke’s already thinking about what dress to wear, racking through her closet in her head. It’s really not the best development because she needs to focus on the upcoming procedure that she’s doing after lunch, but it’s _ hard. _

She gets a second chance with Vanessa. 

* * *

Brooke takes her time getting ready, taking a long shower and exfoliating everything before doing her hair and makeup. It’s more than she does for work, her professional look left behind for a bolder lip, a darker eye, her hair in waves that cascade down her back. She knows it doesn’t matter - Vanessa’s seen her in scrubs, with bags under her eyes for days, with her unwashed hair in a bun for the third day in a row because she’s had long hours and been on call for extended stretches of time. 

But the expression on Vanessa’s face when Brooke shows up at her condo, shamelessly looking her up and down with parted lips as if there’s nothing she’d rather do than pull her inside and ravish her? Absolutely worth it. 

“Shit.”

“Wow.” 

The word falls from Brooke’s lips the same time that Vanessa curses, because Brooke can’t drag her eyes away from her, either. Vanessa’s always hot to her - in her scrubs, in her lab coat, in the business casual look she had on during her first day, but the dress that she’s wearing hugs her curves in all the right places. When paired with the faux fur coat hanging off of her shoulder, it’s enough to make Brooke swallow hard. 

Vanessa tosses her hair over her shoulder as she looks over Brooke appreciatively, and suddenly all Brooke can smell is coconut and jasmine and the intoxicating scent of a perfume that Vanessa doesn’t wear at the hospital. Brooke wants to breathe it in, have it linger on her jacket, on her clothes. A mark of Vanessa being there, that this, what they’re doing, isn’t some sort of dream crafted by the deep recesses of her subconscious. 

Vanessa steps back once, twice, opening the door further to let Brooke inside. There are still boxes in the corner of the kitchen, unopened packages sitting beside her coffee table. 

Vanessa shrugs when Brooke taps her fingers on a box labelled _ HOLIDAY DECORATIONS. _“Haven’t gotten around to putting everything away just yet. Unpacking is so much damn effort.”

Brooke looks at the box underneath it, labelled _ SHIT FOR THE KITCHEN. _“Haven’t you been here for what, three? Four months?” 

“And spent most of those at the hospital, bitch, you know that. Feels like that’s my apartment rather than this place.” Vanessa spins slowly, looking around. “Not a home here just yet.” 

“I can help you unpack, sometime, if you need it.” The offer slips out of Brooke’s mouth before she realizes, and she wants to clap a hand over her mouth but then Vanessa is looking at her with a tilted head, a smile in her eyes. 

“Yeah? You ain’t just saying that ‘cause you’re standing in my apartment?” 

“Nah, I mean it.” Brooke does, when she thinks about it. Maybe making Toronto a home for Vanessa again will mean that she’ll want to stick around, not leave. 

Vanessa’s smile is uncharacteristically shy. “I’d like that. Thanks.”

“Anytime. You know that.” Vanessa _ doesn’t _know that, Brooke knows, because up until now all that they’ve been is confusing and painful for each other, but-

Maybe this can be a new start. A new definition of what they are. They don’t have to be held back by everything that’s ever happened between them. 

Maybe their new normal can be lapsing back into friendship, caring for each other, doing things together, enjoying each other’s company. Some great sex. 

Brooke knows that she needs the latter, at least. 

They can redefine what they are. Sure, maybe she’s getting a little ahead of herself, seeing as they haven’t even left Vanessa’s apartment yet, nor spent time together so far that hasn’t involved arguing or sex, but they can try it out tonight. 

Brooke leads Vanessa to the parking lot outside of her building, towards a Lexus SUV that makes Vanessa let out a whistle. 

“Fancy, schmancy. Look at you flaunting that surgeon money.” Vanessa eyes it appreciatively, running her hand along the side. 

Brooke scoffs. “Don’t tell me you didn’t splurge on a car, either.” 

“Guilty.” Vanessa raises her hands up. “Leasing me a fancy nice new BMW at the moment. Couldn’t help myself.”

Brooke feels powerful as they drive through the downtown streets, the lights of the city illuminating the inside of the car and casting Vanessa’s face in a soft glow. Brooke can’t help the way she keeps looking over at Vanessa, at the way her highlight shines, the purse of her lips. She’s beautiful. 

Brooke _ also _can’t help the way she lets one of her hands trail on Vanessa’s knee, dancing patterns up her thigh. The low noise that Vanessa lets out from the back of her throat makes Brooke smirk, only fuels her more. 

“You tryna keep us from going to the restaurant, mama?” Vanessa grunts out when Brooke plays with the hem of her dress, the fabric soft in her hand. 

Brooke pulls them into an underground parking lot, shutting off the car and leaning over the console between their seats to press a kiss to Vanessa’s neck, feeling the way she lets out a soft gasp. Brooke uses her thumb to wipe at the lipstick print that she’s left on her neck but part of her wants to keep it there, mark her territory. Show that she’s been there. 

But she also has self control. 

She pulls back, a smile playing on her lips when Vanessa lets out a breath. “There. Think you can sit through dinner?” 

“You’re really something else, ain’t you?” Vanessa leans her head back against the seat, letting her eyes trail over Brooke’s face almost lazily, as if her chest isn’t rising and falling enough for Brooke to see how affected she is. 

“You like it.” 

“Fuck yeah, I do.” Vanessa’s mutter is soft under her breath, almost missed by Brooke but it’s just loud enough, out of breath enough to make her feel satisfied. 

Off to a good start already.


	15. chapter fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brooke snorts. “You’re the only person who would ever describe arterial grafts as a work of art.”
> 
> “Hey, it’s fun.” Vanessa pouts, and if the soft look that Brooke is giving her makes her heart feel a certain type of way, she’s not going to think about it. 
> 
> “It’s cute.” Brooke’s look at her as she smiles is unwavering, and it nearly makes Vanessa want to blush, hide her face. 
> 
> No ones looked at her like that since, well-
> 
> Brooke herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for all the continued sweet response to this fic. It makes me so, so happy and makes me wish I could write it forever. Writ is a great beta <3

(then)

It’s around seven p.m., so Vanessa has approximately four hours before her brain shuts down for the night, and she can _ probably _finish at least a little bit more of her pathology paper, and study for the midterm for the same class, and practice for the anatomy bellringer next week, before-

“Another email! This one about orientation week. Can you believe that med school’s going to have an o-week, too? As if we didn’t already do that in undergrad, right?”

Ugh.

Vanessa’s happy for Brooke, she truly is. There’s no one who deserves success the way that she does. 

But if Vanessa has to hear another damn detail about the upcoming year, she’s going to lose it.

Vanessa still has to study. She’s taking a couple of courses right now during the summer semester before her fourth year along with volunteering, balancing those with more time in the lab so that her name will be featured on her supervisor’s paper once it gets published. Her summer is packed because she’s still trying, damn it, she has to go through the application process for med school all over again once the fall gets here and she has to be _ better_, more experienced, more worthy.

Unlike the last application cycle, where she didn’t get in anywhere. Didn’t even get off any waitlists.

So, here Vanessa is. Working herself to the bone because she has to. One would think that three and a half years of pushing herself would make it easier to do with time, but she’s still had it. She wants to just camp out and watch some movies for a night without thinking about all the shit that she needs to get done. 

It’s what’s made seeing Brooke, blissfully happy and free of responsibilities, so difficult to watch the last two months. 

Brooke gets to enjoy a relaxing summer because she’s going to start the MD program at U of T come September, and so she gets a clean slate. She doesn’t need to do anything to prepare, because she’s already in. No need to get any extra courses done, no more volunteering if she doesn’t want to. No finishing her fourth year of undergrad. Not when she gets to enter med school after completing her junior year.

Vanessa doesn’t want to see it as unfair, but it kind of is. Just a little bit. Especially when Brooke gets to sit on the couch and cuddle with the cats while Vanessa’s at the kitchen table and reviewing from her textbook. Or when Brooke gets to come back late from nights out with Detox and Alaska because she doesn’t need to study or work hard until September, so of course she can go out and have fun. Because who cares that Vanessa has to get up early the next morning for class, when Brooke stumbles into bed so late? Why should it even matter? 

Okay, so maybe Vanessa’s a little pissed. Sure, the anger and unfairness of it all is a bit misplaced, but she’s allowed to have her feelings, dang it.

Brooke’s switched to raving about the neuroanatomy course that the U of T med school students get to take (_in first year, can you believe it, they go so in depth!’), _ and Vanessa really just doesn’t fucking _ care. _ She’s tired, real tired, and she can’t find the words to finish this analysis paragraph in her paper because Brooke is still going on about how _ great _her program is going to be.

“Can you just. Shut up for a bit? Five minutes. That’s all I fucking need. Five minutes.” It comes out snappier than Vanessa intends but she doesn’t even care, because if she doesn’t make good progress on this paper tonight she’s going to run out of time to finish it, along with the rest of the things that she needs to get done before the deadlines hit her square in the face. 

“Sorry. Geez.” Brooke’s voice is a huff but Vanessa can still hear the hurt in it, she always does. Can always tell. It makes Vanessa want to roll her eyes because even if she does feel a little bad for snapping it’s not _ fair_, having to listen to everything. 

“While I want my schedule was as empty as yours, I need to get this shit done tonight ‘cause I won’t have time tomorrow. Wish I had time to talk all about how great the program is going to be for you like we usually do every fucking night, but I can’t. Not tonight.” Not any night, but this is the first time Vanessa’s actually said something. Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but she’s fucking tired of it.

“Fine. I’ll go check my email somewhere else.” Brooke’s already rolling off of the couch, Henry in her arms and of course she’s making Vanessa feel like the bad guy right now.

Vanessa rubs at her temples, the glare of her computer screen a harsh glow that only makes her headache that much worse. “I get you wanna spend time together and shit before you get busy in September, which is real nice, but some of us have actual work to do.” Vanessa _ wishes _she could have Brooke’s free time, she really does. But she can’t always get what she wants, now can she?

“I’m-” Brooke lets out a frustrated sigh as she stands in the doorway of their room. “I feel like I can’t even be happy or excited around you anymore for anything, like I’m already trying to keep from talking about it _ too _much but sometimes I just want to share things, you know?”

“Great. Love it for you, I really do. Supporting you all the way.” So Vanessa sounds a bit dry while she says it. She doesn’t care. “You’ll have a great time.”

“Thanks for the sincerity.” Brooke crosses her arms and it only makes Vanessa want to roll her eyes more.

“It’s just a bit hard to be happy for you when I’m still stuck in undergrad, still working my ass off right now, unlike you.” Vanessa snaps because she’s had it, she really has, she doesn’t _ care. _“Go celebrate with Becky or Tiffany or whomever fucking else got into med school with you. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to listen to you talk while you braid each others’ hair and plan where you’ll sit in class together.” 

Vanessa sees the hurt flash in Brooke’s eyes before she slams the front door, leaving to go who knows where, but who cares? Especially when Vanessa’s damn paper isn’t writing itself the way that it should. She has too much to do to even give a shit anymore. 

* * *

Vanessa can’t sleep, because all she can think about is the fact that she has to be up in five hours to be at the hospital for volunteering, and she still needs to study more before her pathology midterm, which she’ll have to fit in at lunch time, and _ god, _she wishes she could shut her brain off sometimes. 

The door opens and closes quietly and Vanessa feels trepidation roll over her. Brooke’s back. Not that she cares.

Not really. 

They’ll be fine. She just needs sleep and a bit of rest and she can listen to Brooke’s excited rambling about med school. It’s fine.

Except no matter how much she tries to convince herself, Vanessa’s still kind of annoyed by it. 

Brooke climbs in beside her and turns over, facing the opposite wall. Their bed’s not even that big, just a double, but it feels like there’s an ocean between them, one too big to cross because the waters that they’d have to swim through would drown them in the waves first. 

Vanessa’s glad for it, really. She doesn’t want to talk things out right now. Or cuddle. Not in this state.

She just needs some fucking sleep. 

Of course Brooke manages to doze off first, her breaths evening out and becoming deeper and deeper while Vanessa has to listen. Seems like being rested and having free time is also useful for falling asleep quickly, too. 

Lucky.

Vanessa will just have to drink an extra coffee or two tomorrow morning if she wants to get through the day.

* * *

(now)

“Nothing at all?”

“Nothing in his past medical history. No coronary artery disease, no hypertension, no type two diabetes, nothing! All that this guy’s file said is that he was allergic to cats. That’s it!” Vanessa nearly knocks her glass of wine over in her enthusiasm.

Brooke’s eyes are wide as she listens to Vanessa’s recap. “And then?”

“Needed a _ quadruple _bypass. His arteries were more blocked than the 401 during rush hour.” 

Brooke lets out a whistle. “How did all of that build up without being noticed?”

“I have _ no _sweet clue.” Vanessa nearly dances in her seat, recalling the way her and her team had nearly lost their shit in the operating room upon seeing the guy’s arteries. “But it was wild. Like, he was a marathon runner and shit. Lord knows how he didn’t straight collapse while tap tapping those feet on the pavement.”

“Wow.” Brooke takes a bite of her pasta, wiggling her fork around after. “So he just had all of that the whole time?”

“Yeah! Do y’know how long it took us to clean those arteries? Forever! Though those grafts were a damn work of art.” Vanessa thinks back to the neatness of that surgery, and has to resist giving herself a pat on the back. It had been an extraordinarily good job, even for her. 

Brooke snorts. “You’re the only person who would ever describe arterial grafts as a work of art.”

“Hey, it’s fun_. _” Vanessa pouts, and if the soft look that Brooke is giving her makes her heart feel a certain type of way, she’s not going to think about it. 

“It’s cute.” Brooke’s look at her as she smiles is unwavering, and it nearly makes Vanessa want to blush, hide her face. 

No ones looked at her like that since, well-

Brooke herself. 

“You’re cute.” The words slip out before Vanessa has a chance to stop them, and she doesn’t even care because then Brooke’s the one flushing, and proving Vanessa’s words completely correct. 

“It is nice, though. Being able to talk about this shit with someone else who gets it.” Vanessa’s missed this. She doesn’t want to admit it, but being able to talk to Brooke, to talk about the things that she’s seen that excite her, feels so right. Like home. 

Brooke still shows enthusiasm for everything she’s saying despite not being in cardiology, just like she used to when they were younger. Her cheek rests on her hand as she listens in the same way too, and for a second they could almost be back in that apartment so many years ago. 

“Yeah. It is.” Brooke murmurs, before her eyes take on a mischievous sparkle that Vanessa knows is solely reserved for teasing her. “Wanna hear about this gross brain abscess I got to remove yester-”

“Nasty. We’re eating dinner, no talk of brain abscesses while we _ eat-” _

“It was almost rotting away-”

“I will call the _ police-” _

Brooke’s peal of laughter cuts off her protest, and Vanessa can’t help but giggle along with her. 

Being able to lapse back into conversation like this, the way they used to be able to talk for hours and hours feels surreal. Like it shouldn’t be allowed, like they’re breaking some sort of law of the universe by being able to get along, actually enjoy each other’s company once more. 

But then again, the past couple weeks have put them through the wringer. At least, on Vanessa’s side. 

And by the dark circles underneath Brooke’s eyes (the ones that are slowly, slowly beginning to fade), she doesn’t seem to be far off, either. 

Maybe they deserve this. Not being caught in the winds of a storm, for once, but instead getting to float in calmer waters. Ones that will let them tread and stay afloat and actually catch their breaths, not drowning in unspoken words and feelings. 

They finish their shared dessert too soon, and Vanessa can’t resist reaching a finger out to swipe at the chocolate at the corner of Brooke’s mouth from the lava cake. She can’t help but notice the way Brooke’s eyes darken when she licks her finger, either. 

Vanessa doesn’t know why she grabs Brooke’s hand as they leave the restaurant. Maybe it’s force of habit from way back when, maybe it’s the way Brooke’s like a magnet, making Vanessa want to just get closer and closer and never let go. 

But Brooke squeezes her hand back, tugs her along to the car, and the slight thread of worry, of being rejected that had been running through her heart begins to vanish. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Vanessa whispers it to Brooke, standing on her tippy toes as they wait at a crosswalk. 

“What?” Brooke tilts her head in curiosity, reluctantly pulling her gaze away as they begin to cross.

“I’m still kinda hungry.” Vanessa’s sentence is punctuated by a growl of her stomach, and she gives Brooke a sheepish grin when her eyebrows raise in surprise.

“How do you eat so much yet remain only a hundred pounds max, soaking wet?” 

“Hey.” Vanessa shoves Brooke’s side, huffing when it makes Brooke crack up. “I am _ tall _. And intimidating.”

“Intimidating? I can see that. Tall? Nope.” 

Vanessa pouts. “I’m still growing. I gotta eat.” 

“What are you, a teenage boy?” Vanessa’s about to protest, talk about how she’s finally going to have her growth spurt, damn it, when Brooke points to a sign across the street reading _ Lino’s Pizza_.

“Open 24 hours, apparently. Want some?” 

* * *

“Damn. The waterfront is pretty at night.” Vanessa looks across the water, then up at the stars that are shining through despite the glow of the city. The hood of Brooke’s car is a perfect vantage point for watching the soft waves of the lake, the gentle breeze making Vanessa button up her jacket to the very top. 

Brooke reaches in between them, grabbing another slice of the pizza they’ve bought, and Vanessa can’t resist doing the same. They’ve already demolished half of it, and while the cardiac surgeon part of Vanessa’s brain is tutting at her about the way it’ll clog up her arteries, the rest of her can’t seem to care. 

“I used to come here when I was stressed as an intern and resident, after shifts. Got away from the hospitals to just sit in quiet and watch the water.” Brooke’s voice is soft, and Vanessa catches the slight look over towards her. “Kind of helped to calm my brain down, y’know?”

“I feel that.” Vanessa can almost picture a twenty something Brooke, still in her scrubs and counting her breaths with the way the water brushed up against the rocks on the shoreline. “You still come here from time to time, huh?” 

“Yeah.” Brooke nods, eyes scanning the horizon. “Still helps, here and there.”

“Real nice of you to bring me here.” Vanessa looks up at Brooke, still in her fancy dress and jacket draped over her shoulders, almost comically contrasting from the slice of pizza in her hand. 

Brooke’s cheeks turn slightly pink. “Can’t think of any place better to devour some pizza like this.”

Vanessa’s brain is still stuck on a younger Brooke - not as young as when they were in undergrad, but a fresher doctor, a less experienced one. “What was it like?” 

Brooke’s brow furrows. “What was what like?” 

“Internship. Residency. All of that.” Despite the fact that they haven’t been in each other’s lives for years and years, it still feels strange to think that there’s so much of Brooke that Vanessa doesn’t know. So many of her memories, her experiences. 

So much that she wants to know. 

“Well, I did them both right here. In the city.” Brooke points behind them, back towards the amalgamation of hospitals that take up an entire block in the downtown core. “It was like most internships and residencies - incredibly traumatic.”

Vanessa lets out a snort. If that didn’t sum up the complete truth of the early years of being a doctor. 

“A lot of sleepless nights, doubting myself. All of that. But made it through. How was yours?” Brooke asks the last bit with her eyes pulling back to look out towards the water.

“LA was-” Vanessa pauses on her words, remembering the fact that her and Brooke haven’t actually talked about it. 

Vanessa moving away, across the continent. Leaving Brooke behind. 

But do they really need to talk about it now?

Vanessa doesn’t want to, not really. 

So, she’s not going to. She’s gonna keep it light, because they don’t need to go anywhere near that topic. “The LA hospitals I did it at were chill. ‘Cept for the resident that supervised me as an intern. She was like a damn military sergeant. Kept us all in a line and everything.” 

Brooke looks back towards her at that, curiosity covering the trepidation that had been previously written on her face. “Like, a literal line?”

“A literal line, we followed her like ducklings!” Vanessa thinks back to being an intern in scrubs that were too big for her, ones that she had to roll up at the cuffs so that she wouldn’t trip in them. When the hospital felt vast and endless, not quite her domain just yet. 

“Though we got to do a lot of cardiac shit. I got to stay on that unit more than others, I liked that.” 

“How’d you manage that?” 

Vanessa grins. “Needled the attending surgeon until he was so annoyed by my unending questions that he had to take me on to get me to stop. Annoyance is a great strategy.” 

Even Brooke can’t resist a grin back at Vanessa’s statement. “Why can I picture that so clearly?” 

Vanessa flips her hair over her shoulder. “Because I go after what I want, that’s why.” 

“You sure got it.” Brooke’s smile is still on her face, but the mirth doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Back when they were in university, Vanessa used to be able to tell exactly what Brooke was thinking. What the little changes in her face meant, what exactly she was holding back from saying. She used to be so proud of it back then, knowing her girlfriend so well. Now, though, Vanessa feels like she’s behind a glass wall, like she’s going to have to work hard all over again to break through it and tune into Brooke the way she should be. 

“Mostly. Mostly got it. The job part, sure.” Vanessa closes the pizza box that they’ve polished off between the two of them, leans back against the windshield of Brooke’s car.

“Yeah. We got the jobs.” Brooke’s voice is soft. They’ve both reached what undergrad them had been striving for, trying to work so hard towards. They’re at the top of their games in their respective fields, having both gotten what they had wanted. 

But they both had to leave things behind in the process to get there. Sacrifices left at the altar of their hopes and dreams and aspirations. Sacrifices such as each other. 

Brooke lifts up the empty pizza box, sliding herself off of the hood of the car before holding a hand out for Vanessa. She grabs it and yelps when Brooke pulls her off of the car right after, landing on her feet with an _ oof_. 

Vanessa holds back a yawn, the long day catching up with her; and of course Brooke notices. “C’mon. Let me take you home. You’re dead on your feet.” 

“M’not tired.” Vanessa’s not. She’s having fun with Brooke for the first time in so long and she doesn’t want it to end, because then what if they won’t have any time like this ever again? 

“Yeah, you are. It’s like, almost 1 a.m.” Brooke checks her watch. Vanessa’s about to put up a half hearted protest to Brooke’s words before she continues. “We can do this again, you know.”

Vanessa perks up. “Yeah?” 

The smile is reaching Brooke’s eyes now, making them sparkle and it’s a sight that Vanessa’s missed, one that she never wants to let go of ever again. “If you want to.”

“_I _want to.” The words come out more forceful than Vanessa intends them to, but it’s true, she wants this. Wants more. More time with Brooke, more time outside of consultation meetings and seeing each other in the hallways and sex in offices. She wants to know Brooke again, make her laugh more until she gets those cute little crinkles by her eyes when she giggles.

“Good. Me too.” Brooke reaches her hand out, linking their pinkies together and if Vanessa didn’t know any better, the smile on Brooke’s face right now would look almost shy. Flushed. As if they’re two teenagers with their first crushes all over again. As if they don’t have volumes and volumes of baggage and history that are already propping them up. 

Vanessa can’t help herself from casting glances over at Brooke as she drives, watching the way she’s blinking away sleep as her hand grips the steering wheel. Her mind is made up when Brooke pulls up to her apartment building. “You’re dead on your feet now too, B. It’s nearly two.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll head home now, don’t worry.” Brooke yawns, rolling out her neck as she shifts her car into ‘park’. 

“In this state? We work in five hours, you can’t drive like this.” Vanessa’s not going to let Brooke back on the road when she’s practically snoozing already. Especially not on the ever so busy downtown Toronto streets, where it would probably take her another twenty minutes or more to get home, anyway.

“I’ve been called in to the hospital for emergencies at three in the morning before. And so have you, I bet. I’ll be fine.” Vanessa would believe Brooke right now, she would, if she didn’t remember the way she’s driven in for those kinds of late night calls herself, nearly falling asleep at the wheel. 

“Still. Don’t want my ass to get sued if you crashed your fancy Lexus into a pole or something while driving home and they blamed it on me. You’re sleeping here.”

Brooke raises an eyebrow at her, but doesn’t argue. A win. 

It’s certainly not how Vanessa’s imagined bringing a girl home, much less Brooke. Though pulling out some spare pyjamas, a baggy shirt and shorts because she knows that Brooke is much taller than her gives Vanessa a strange sense of déjà vu, as if the action is the most familiar thing to her in the world. As if Brooke sleeps over at her place all the time, as if her bed has actually held Brooke rather than just the thoughts of her that invade Vanessa’s mind when she’s had too much to drink or feels too lonely. 

“Take my bed. Imma camp out on the couch.” Vanessa’s brain is too tired to think about the ramifications of them sharing a bed, of what it could mean. A topic saved for a later time, when she really wants to delve deep and put herself through it. 

“I’m not gonna take your bed away from you, especially because we work so soon. Go sleep. I’ll take the couch.” Of course tonight happens to be the night that Brooke feels like arguing with her over a damn bed. 

“Just take the bed-”

Brooke wiggles her car keys, the jingle interrupting Vanessa. “I’m taking the couch or I’m driving right now.” 

“So pushy. Fine.” Vanessa mumbles the words because she’s tired and doesn’t care that much, really, when it’s so late. If Brooke wants the couch that bad, she can take it. 

Sleep doesn’t come to Vanessa as fast as she wants it to, though, once she’s washed her face and changed into her pyjamas and climbed into bed. Not when Brooke’s on the other side of Vanessa’s bedroom door, camped out on her couch under her spare blanket and in her pyjamas, as if this is perfectly normal for the two of them to do. As if Vanessa isn’t about to lose her mind thinking about it. 

Vanessa turns over to lie on her side for what feels like the millionth time that night, no position seemingly comfy enough to let her brain drift off and rest as the numbers on her clock creep closer and closer to the morning. 

She’s still awake when she hears the soft pad of footsteps outside her room, and her door creaking open tentatively, letting the tiniest crack of light in and casting shadows along the walls. There’s no way Vanessa can sleep now, not even when the light dims as the door closes once more because Brooke is right _ there, _standing by her door. Vanessa can feel it, even if she’s turned away and facing the wall and her eyes are squeezed shut tight because she’s still pretending to be sleeping. 

Vanessa can feel her heart pound as Brooke shifts her weight as she stands, making the floor squeak underneath her feet. She seems to be debating what to do and Vanessa just wants to tell her to hurry up already, to put her out of her misery. But then Brooke seems to make a decision as takes a step closer and she’s climbing in, pulling the covers over herself too and she’s in Vanessa’s _ bed _and right beside her and how can Vanessa still pretend to be asleep now?

Brooke tentatively reaches out and all pretenses are gone because Vanessa snuggles closer, burying herself against her. The feeling nearly bowls her over, as if she isn’t already lying down in bed because being in Brooke’s arms like this is something that she hasn’t felt in years. The way Vanessa’s heart twists when Brooke lets out a soft little sigh and kisses her head makes her realize that she’s missed being like this more than anything in the world. Missed feeling like she’s complete, all protected and safe and as if the problems that could trouble her suddenly don’t matter anymore. Not when she has Brooke with her like this, limbs tangled and all warm and holding onto her tight and it’s okay, really, because Brooke’s holding her the same way too. As if she doesn’t want to lose her, to let her go. To break the delicate spell between them. 

The soft pictures of her dreams come to her quick after that, as her breaths even out and begin to sync with Brooke’s, because everything is okay when they’re like this. Vanessa is convinced of that fact. 


	16. chapter sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Found your problem.” Silky’s proclamation comes after a lot of squinting at the computer screen, mostly because she hasn’t brought her glasses along with her. 
> 
> Vanessa leans forward in her seat, eyes widening. “What?” What has she missed? What giant, glaringly obvious mistake has she made? 
> 
> “It’s boring.” 
> 
> Vanessa makes a face. “It’s a med school app, Silk, not a mystery thriller novel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for the lovely feedback on this story. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to read and how much it makes me want to write more and more and more. 
> 
> Writ is the most wonderful beta to exist and this story would not be the same without them.

(then)

The login page of the application website for all of the Ontario medical schools is a sight that fills Vanessa with dread. A simple webpage that has the potential to crush her hopes and dreams a second time, just like it did the year before. 

She still remembers her login information from last year, the username and password coming to her easily after typing it so many times while checking her admissions results last spring. 

Vanessa opens up her old admissions essays, skimming through them while she absentmindedly pets Riley. She doesn’t necessarily need to redo the essays, per se. They aren’t terrible. She just needs to give them a little upgrade. 

She needs reinforcements. 

Silky’s at her door in less than fifteen minutes, the promise of Vanessa paying for the pizza that they’re ordering in enough to lure her over. It doesn’t stop Silky, though, from grumbling about it. 

“You can’t ask your girl? Ain’t she the one that actually got into med school? I don’t know shit about doctor stuff.” Silky drops the candy that she’s brought over for them to snack on onto the table, and Vanessa wastes no time in popping a starburst into her mouth, mostly to delay her answer. 

“Nope,” Vanessa keeps her voice light as she turns on their desktop computer, “Brooke’s been busy with the first semester starting.”

It’s not a lie, not necessarily. Brooke really _ hasn’t _been around, spending most of her time in lectures and studying her ass off at the library, and so what if Vanessa doesn’t want to join her for those study sessions anymore? Sitting with Brooke and all of her new med school friends that actually got in on the first try and would probably look at Vanessa like she’s stupid or something. For still being stuck in undergrad and not getting in anywhere. 

Nah. She’s better off studying and working on things in the apartment. She doesn’t need Brooke’s help for applications this year.

Not like it helped last year, anyway. 

“Besides, you’re the one getting an English degree. You know shit.” Silky’s in the process of applying for master’s programs in English, something that seems completely bonkers to Vanessa. Who would even want to go to school to just write and write and write? But she knows Silky, and her goal of becoming a professor and getting her PhD. A doctor in her own way. 

“True. At least I’m literate.” Silky starts snickering before Vanessa even catches what she’s saying. 

“Bitch, you didn’t even know what ‘bradycardia’ meant the other day when I told you ‘bout my volunteering shift.” Vanessa swats at her side, Silky not even flinching. 

“How the hell would I know that? All the fancy doctor speak. _ Normal _folk like me don’t know that shit.” 

“Whatever. Help me make these essays better.” Vanessa hands Silky another slice of pizza for good measure. 

“Why don’t you submit a rap instead? Imagine performing it at the interviews.” Silky grins before taking a bite of the slice. 

“Bitch, focus.” Vanessa snaps her fingers in front of Silky’s face _ (‘Alright, alright!’), _before letting her read. 

“Found your problem.” Silky’s proclamation comes after a lot of squinting at the computer screen, mostly because she hasn’t brought her glasses along with her. 

Vanessa leans forward in her seat, eyes widening. “What?” What has she missed? What giant, glaringly obvious mistake has she made? 

“It’s boring.” 

Vanessa makes a face. “It’s a med school app, Silk, not a mystery thriller novel.”

“Nah, like - it’s interesting, sure, you talking about have you’ve done. But you gotta make it emotional. Tug at their heartstrings. Make them tear up or some shit while they read it, make them see _ why _they have to let you in, because it’s your fucking destiny.”

“That’s a tad dramatic.” Vanessa looks back over at the screen, skimming over the paragraphs. “How do I make them cry over it?”

“Easy. Tragic backstory.” 

“What?”

“Whether it’s real or not, doesn’t matter. Talk about how your grandpa died or some shit and the doctor was oh so wonderful while he was in the hospital and it made you wanna save lives. I dunno.” Silky shrugs, leaning back in her seat. 

“My abuelo died before I was born-”

“Then come up with some other shit.” Silky gives her a look. “You’re weirdly creative sometimes. You can come up with something.”

“Isn’t that a bit exp-exploitive?” The thought makes Vanessa a bit uneasy. She doesn’t want to make up shit for the sake of making an admissions officer get emotional. 

“Exploitative. And nah. It’s called gaming the system.” Silky almost looks proud of herself. “That’s what everyone else is doing.” 

“Brooke didn’t do that.” At least, Vanessa thinks so. She hadn’t read the final drafts of her essays last year. 

“Still. A little extra something something wouldn’t hurt.” Silky says it as if Vanessa needs to sprinkle more salt on her food, or something. 

Vanessa sighs. At this point, Silky’s advice is her best option. She doesn’t know what else to do, anyway. “So what shall I come up with?”

“I dunno, bitch. Your mom’s a nurse, ain’t she?” 

“Yeah.” Vanessa’s voice is curious, not quite sure where Silky is going with this. Why does it matter what her mom does?

“Come up with some emotional bullshit related to that. About how she pulled you towards the medical field.” 

“I mean, she kinda did-”

“There we go! Talk about that first before all your fancy accomplishments. Butter them up.” 

Vanessa casts an uncertain look at her computer. “Will they even care about that?” 

“Bitch, you’re gonna _ make _them care.” Silky grabs the last slice of pizza. “Now get writing.”

* * *

_ “You’re coming home for Thanksgiving, right? Otherwise I won’t make the pecan pie, you’re the only one who eats it.” _ Vanessa’s mom’s voice is muffled on the other end of the phone, the sounds of voices and beeps nearly drowning her out. _ “Another code blue. Damn, this one’s like the third of the day.” _

“Yeah, gonna come home. I miss you.” It’s true, she does. No matter how much Vanessa doesn’t want to sound like a five year old, she misses her mom. 

_ “You got a fever or something? You’re acting strangely loving, mija.” _

Vanessa snorts. “What, a daughter can’t miss her mom every once in a while?” 

_ “With you, it’s either that you want something or that something’s wrong. So which is it?” _

“Neither. Nothing’s wrong. Just working on the essays.” The words on Vanessa’s computer screen are beginning to blur together, becoming one big wad of text that doesn’t have any meaning to her anymore. 

_ “And how are those going?” _

“Slow.” Vanessa sighs, resting her head on her folded arms. “What if there’s no point?”

_ “To what?” _

“Applying.” Vanessa hates saying it, but it’s beginning to cross her mind more often than she wants it to. “What if I’m not going to get in again?”

_ “If you want it that bad you gotta keep trying, baby. Ain’t possible to reach a goal if you give up.” _Vanessa’s mom’s voice softens on the other end of the phone, and it makes Vanessa wish that she was here with her, stroking her hair and making her hot chocolate like she used to do when Vanessa was a kid. 

But _ can _Vanessa even reach the goal? Is it even accessible to her? What if she just applies over and over, watching everyone move on around her and start their careers and just staying stuck in this purgatory, trying to chase a dream that was never meant to be hers?

Maybe it never will be. 

If it was, she would have gotten it the first time around. 

“Why wasn’t I good enough to get in the first try, Mama?” Vanessa nearly whispers the words, ones that she’s been holding back while trying to get through her fourth year and be happy for Brooke, because she deserves it, she does. 

But it’s _ hard_, it’s hard because Vanessa wants it so, so bad. Still wants it as much as Brooke did and she’s worked her ass off the same amount, too. Having it so close in her grasp, right _ there _but not quite close enough makes Vanessa feel like she’ll never reach it. 

Vanessa’s been trying, really trying to be okay with it. Convincing herself that it’s fine, really, that she didn’t get in. Because hey, she has the chance to finish her fourth year off, enjoy graduation with all of their friends. Apply to even more schools this time around. 

But she feels behind. 

It’s hard not to, when Brooke comes home every day talking about anatomical systems and things that they’ve learned in undergrad but except for her now it _ matters, _ because she’s on the path to becoming an actual doctor. It’s in her future. 

Vanessa’s not there yet. 

“_Oh, baby.” _ Her mom’s voice is laced with sympathy and Vanessa almost hates it, because it just reminds her that she’s failed. “_You are good enough. You are always good enough. There are so, so many people who apply to these damn schools, often with similar grades and accomplishments and it’s like a lottery, being picked. You are good enough, and it will be yours. I know this ‘cause of mom intuition. Trust it.” _

Vanessa sighs. “You can’t predict the future, though.”

“_And neither can you. So don’t start catastrophizing on me.” _

“I’ll try.” They’re empty words, really. It’s hard. She hadn’t been good enough last year. 

Is she really going to get there now?

“_Remember cousin Penelope?” _ Vanessa’s mom cuts through the grey cloud of her thoughts. _ “The one in LA?” _

“Who?” Vanessa really can’t remember but it’s not her fault, not really, when there are more cousins in her family than she can count. 

_ “Physician. Has her own family practice down there. We went and stayed at her beach house when you were three.” _

“How would I remember a vacation from when I was three, Mami?” Though the word _ physician _keeps replaying itself over and over in her head. 

Vanessa hadn’t known that she has a physician cousin. That’s useful. 

Vanessa’s mom seems to be on the same page. _ “Maybe you can talk to her. Get some perspective, see what school she went to, if she knows any more that are worth applying. Apply to some in the States this year. Wouldn’t hurt. We got family on each coast, anyway.” _

“Yeah, but-” Vanessa bites her lip. “I don’t wanna leave Ontario, not really.”

Could she? What would it mean? Not only for her, but for her and Brooke, her other half that she’s been together with for more than three years-

_ “No one’s saying you have to. But would it hurt? Just increases your odds for the better.” _

“I guess.” It wouldn’t hurt to apply to more schools, not really. Sure, it’ll be a couple more essays and some more money down the drain for the application fees, but it’s more of a chance.

That things will work out the way Vanessa wants them to. 

_ “Just give Penelope a call. See what she has to say. I’ll send you her number.” _

“‘Kay.” A call Vanessa can do. Just to find out more about what’s out there for her, options wise. 

Besides, it’s not like she’ll actually ever move to the opposite coast, right? 

* * *

(now)

“Just tell us.”

“Tell you what? There’s nothing to tell.”

“Come on, Brooke.” Yvie’s voice sounds almost whiny from her spot in front of Vanessa in the line for Starbucks, where part of the neuro team is grabbing their morning coffee. “I haven’t seen you look this chill in like, ever.”

“Chill? We have an occipital tumour removal in 45, definitely not chill.” Brooke looks at the Starbucks menu, and Vanessa has to try to keep an incredibly straight face as she watches the sight unfolding in front of her. 

“There’s something up. Or someone. Ooh, are you finally seeing someone?” Plastique rises on her tippy toes in excitement, though still barely only passes Brooke’s shoulder in height. 

Yvie turns around to face Vanessa, nearly making her jump. “Hey, Vanessa. What do you think? Does Brooke look different to you than usual?”

Vanessa has to hold back a laugh at the sight of Brooke behind Yvie, the expression on her face screaming _ help help help. _She keeps her tone light. “Ooh, I dunno. We gotta interact more at the hospital, Dr. Hytes, I can’t tell.”

“Aren’t you guys always fighting over something?” Plastique pipes in, grabbing her coffee from the cashier. “At least I hear enough yelling to tell. Though you guys haven’t fought in awhile, according to my eardrums.”

“We’ve, ah, found more _ productive _ ways to smooth over our disagreements.” Vanessa watches as Brooke lets out a muffled noise at her statement, and it’s all she can do to not crack up right then and there. 

She’s going to mess with Brooke, though. Have some fun, as if they didn’t wake up in her bed this morning in each other’s arms, the best hours of sleep Vanessa’s had in ages. “Seeing someone new, Dr. Hytes?”

Brooke shoots her a look, though Vanessa can see the mirth behind her eyes. She’s having fun with this, too. “Not someone you would know, Dr. Mateo.”

“Are you sure? I know a lot of someones.” Vanessa grins when Brooke rolls her eyes good naturedly. 

“You’re funny.”

“A regular comedian. Lord knows why I became a doctor, myself.” 

Brooke shrugs, lifting the cup of coffee that the cashier hands her in Vanessa’s direction. “I’d come to your standup show.”

“Would you, now? Wouldn’t even have to pay for a ticket, I’d give you a VIP pass.” Vanessa’s missed stupidity like this, being able to just be silly with Brooke. 

Brooke grins. “I’m a VIP now, huh?”

“Only sometimes.” Vanessa nudges Brooke’s side, tearing her gaze away from her for long enough to notice that Yvie and Plastique are looking between the two of them as if they each have three heads. 

Brooke coughs. “Well, coffee. See you around, Dr. Mateo.”

Vanessa has to hold back a laugh, a task that only gets more difficult when Brooke does a thumbs up at her.

“Good luck with your procedure.” Her own coffee is ready, then, and she heads in the opposite direction towards the cardiac units after grabbing it. She wastes no time in pulling out her phone. 

_ VM: real smooth there _

_ BLH: THAT WAS A LOT. _

_ VM: and HYSTERICAL _

_ BLH: I’ll truly never live this down with them. _

_ VM: u flashed me a thumbs up. absolutely iconic _

_ BLH: What’s wrong with a thumbs up? _

_ VM: the fact that u have to ask that speaks for itself _

_ BLH: Yvie and Plastique keep asking why we got along just now... _

_ VM: LOL _

_ VM: I wonder if they’ll guess _

_ VM: imagine _

_ BLH: They’d lose their absolute minds. That would be hilarious, though. _

They haven’t actually talked about the others, yet. If they’re going to say anything to anyone else. 

Heck, they haven’t even talked about themselves. They went on a date last night and woke up in each other’s arms and no sex was involved and yet somehow, it had been one of the best nights that Vanessa’s ever had. 

She wonders if Brooke feels the same way about it. 

Brooke had woken Vanessa up with peppered kisses along her neck, her shoulder blades, making her hum with pleasure, and she doesn’t think she’s ever had such a nice 6:00 am wake up in her life. Brooke had wrapped an arm around her waist while they had eaten breakfast as if it was the easiest thing to do in the world.

Vanessa had forgotten how soft, how touchy Brooke is sometimes. How much she’s missed it, too. The feeling of leaning into Brooke’s touch, of being allowed to actually do so. 

_ BLH: Tumour removal time. Wanna grab some food after work? _

Vanessa bites her lip. She’d been planning to go to the hospital library after work, to look through things for their joint consult surgery that’s happening soon. There’s just _ something _about the surgical plan that’s been bugging her, that she wants to double check. Iron out once she has the research background behind it. But it means a late night most likely, of combing through research articles and looking for specific information that’ll take ages. She can’t do it on the clock, either, when her day is so booked up with other procedures and documentation and consults. 

But she wants to hang out with Brooke. Sure, they’ve just spent the last evening together, but Vanessa’s not tired of her. How could she be, when someone like Brooke feels so familiar, yet so new? Making Vanessa’s heart beat just a little bit faster, while at the same time feeling like comfort and home?

_ VM: gonna spend the evening holed up in the library going over stuff for our surgery :(( don’t want to but it’s so soon so gotta get it done _

The three dots on Vanessa’s screen showing her that Brooke is typing make her uneasy. What if Brooke’s going to be upset with her, not want to hang out anymore? What if she hates her again?

_ BLH: Want some help? _

Well.

_ VM: you’d do that?? _

_ BLH: Of course. Hey, cardio may not be my specialty, but it’s our joint surgery. I can help you comb through some research, if you need it. Be here to bounce ideas off of. _

_ VM: are u sure?? A total time suck of the evening _

_ BLH: Two heads are better than one, no? Plus I can spend more time with you, too. _

_ BLH: If you’d want that, of course. _

_ BLH: Your choice, but, the offer is there. _

The flurry of texts make Vanessa smile. She can almost picture Brooke on the other end, her typing becoming more and more nervous. 

_ VM: i’d like that :) thank u sm _

_ BLH: Anytime. _

_ VM: anyone tell u that you’re pretty great? _

_ BLH: Nah, that’s you! _

God, she’s got it bad for a certain blonde. Again.

* * *

“Hey.” Brooke collapses in the chair beside her, the library empty save for the two of them. “Sorry I’m late.”

Vanessa looks away from her computer screen, over at Brooke who’s shedding her lab coat on her chair. “Imma be here for a while, anyway, no rush. How’d your procedures go today?”

Brooke brightens. “Not bad. Got the tumour in the a.m., had a craniectomy in the afternoon. Morning tumour had no complications despite being ridiculously difficult to reach.”

Vanessa holds out a high five, sending Brooke a look when she doesn’t return it immediately, until she does, lifting up her hand and grinning. “Brainy queen. Literally.”

“Funny.” Brooke snorts, before looking at Vanessa’s screen. “So, what are we looking for?”

“I’m trying to find case studies on bovine mitral valves and how they hold up under unrelated surgical conditions, because this patient-”

“Wait.” Brooke holds up a hand to pause Vanessa’s spiel. “Bovine as in...cow?”

“Yes? Cow? Mitral valves from cows have often been used in mitral valve replacements in the heart-” 

Brooke looks at Vanessa as if she’s suddenly lost her mind. “Cow heart valves?”

Vanessa snickers. “Damn, you really don’t remember anything from cardiology, do you? Valves from pigs have also been used in the past, when mechanical valves aren’t an option for a patient."

“Pig heart valves?!” 

“Oh my god, this is incredible.” Vanessa’s having way too much fun with this. She knows that cardio is not Brooke’s specialty, but seeing her look of absolute disbelief is way more entertaining than it should be. 

“So they just...put those animal valves in for patients whose valves need replacing?” Brooke looks like she’s having her mind blown in the most hilarious possible way. 

“Yup.” Vanessa pops her lips on the last sound. “We use mechanical ones too, but bovine or porcine ones are an older technique and often are taken to by the body much better.”

“Jesus. I don’t remember learning that in cardiology when taking it in school.”

“That’s ‘cause you didn’t specifically learn about cardiac surgery, being in neuro. And hey, there’s probably endless shit I don’t know about neurosurgery, either.” Vanessa pats Brooke’s shoulder. “Now c’mon, help me find some actually relevant research articles.”

* * *

“Okay, found this one by Yang et al about the structural integrity of bovine heart valves under strenuous circumstances-”

“Oooh, print that one.” Vanessa scoots over closer towards Brooke’s computer so that she can add to her pile of articles to sort through. “Maybe it’ll be relevant.”

Vanessa looks through the articles with a fine toothed comb, for something, anything to make her more secure about their joint procedure. Looking for ideas for contingency plans in case the patient’s heart issues go south during the surgery, due to his valve. She wants to be covered. 

“Will do.” Brooke lets out a yawn as she clicks print, making Vanessa look down at her watch. 

“Damn, it’s already ten. We’ve been here for awhile. You don’t have to stay any longer if you don’t want to, you know.”

Brooke gives her a look. “Are you kidding? Of course I’m gonna stay and help you out. Besides, it’s kind of interesting.” 

“Yeah?” Vanessa raises an eyebrow. Cardio had never been Brooke’s favourite back in school. 

Brooke shrugs. “Honestly, not being tested on it makes it better.”

“I feel that. The added pressure was something.” Vanessa thinks back to med school, when the pressure and the deadlines and the sheer amount of information that she had to take in nearly broke her brain. There were so many times during med school that she’d been so overwhelmed, tired, just wanting to come home. Telling herself that she just had a few years left until she could be free of tests and assignments and studying into the late hours of the night. 

Though starting internship and residency hadn’t really been a break, either. The late night shifts, the crazy workload, the burnout. 

If it hadn’t been for the payoff of being a cardiac surgeon, of getting to do what she’s good at and actually enjoys, she probably would have quit years and years ago. Gone into an easier field, maybe an office job, one that didn’t require endless schooling and training. 

But she hadn’t had to. And neither had Brooke. 

“What do you think med school would have been like, if we went together?” Vanessa can’t keep the question from slipping out of her mouth. 

Brooke looks up at her sharply, questions upon questions in her eyes and Vanessa knows why, because they don’t _ talk _about this, about what had happened back then and they’re in a good place now, so why should they?

But she wants to know. And Brooke answers. 

“I’m not sure.” Brooke’s voice is soft, cautious. “You think we would have stuck it out the whole time?”

The question makes Vanessa pause. “I dunno. It sure would have made things different.”

“Yeah.” Brooke fiddles with the hem of her lab coat. “Imagine getting through the stress of four years of med school, one year of internship, and three years of residency without biting each other’s heads off.”

“Oh, c’mon.” Vanessa nudges Brooke. “We still wanted to bite each other’s heads off as soon as I started working here.” 

Brooke can’t help but let out a laugh at that. “Good point.” 

They sit in silence for a moment, and Vanessa can’t stop herself from peeking over at Brooke, at the way her scrubs look incredibly comfy to snuggle into. At the expression on her face that’s both pensive and bittersweet. 

Vanessa gets it. It’s hard to know what they’ve lost, if they’ve even lost anything at all, from the way that things happened. Would they have ended up in their specific careers had they stayed together? Would Vanessa even have had the chance to become a cardiac surgeon if she hadn’t gone to LA?

She could have done it in a better way, though. 

But it’s not something she wants to think about now, while she’s supposed to be sifting through research, preparing for the surgery. She can mull it over with a bottle of wine another time. 

* * *

“Ness. Ness.” 

Vanessa feels the hands running through her hair before she registers the soft voice by her ear. She blinks the sleep away, squinting under the harsh fluorescent lights of the library. 

Brooke looks adorably rumpled, her mascara smudged under her eyes and her hair starting to come out of her bun. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Brooke smiles back, and Vanessa hasn’t seen her eyes crinkle like that since university, a fact which she files away to think about later. 

Vanessa looks around the library, still as deserted, but now with rays sunlight streaming in through the windows. “Did we-"

“Fully fell asleep in the library, yep.” Brooke nods, looking at her watch. “It’s around 7:15. Still got some time before our shifts start.”

“Good. Imagine having to rush to our floors like this.” Vanessa tries to run her hands through her hair, intent on putting it up in a ponytail, but her fingers catch and tangle in her locks, making her wince. 

“Good thing we’re in scrubs every day, at least we don’t look like we’re still wearing yesterday’s clothes, despite the fact that we fully are.” Brooke tugs in a lock of Vanessa’s hair. “Want me to braid it back?”

Vanessa makes a face. “It’s all tangled.”

“Don’t worry, I can be gentle.” Brooke’s voice is soft and so Vanessa gives in, nodding, and grins when Brooke’s face lights up. The feeling of Brooke’s hands in her hair waking her up had been soft, so incredibly soft and soothing and she definitely isn’t going to complain about feeling it again. 

She can’t help but lean into Brooke’s touch as she starts combing through the tangles, and is almost disappointed when Brooke finishes her braid, letting it fall down her back. 

“There. Gorgeous.” Brooke’s looking at her as if she matters, as if she’s pretty at seven in the morning, as if the two of them didn’t just fall asleep at a table with their faces buried in books, reminiscent of a time a decade ago when their problems were so, so, different. 

Her words make Vanessa’s cheeks all warm, a blush rising on her face with equal parts happiness, and she knows the adoring look on Brooke’s face is mirrored on her own. 


	17. chapter seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I, uh. Applied to some more.” Vanessa doesn’t look up, keeps her eyes on her screen, though Brooke can see how she’s fidgeting. 
> 
> “But there’s only a few in Ontario-”
> 
> “Outside of Ontario. Outside of Canada, actually.” Vanessa looks up at Brooke then, her expression one almost of challenge, of asking Brooke to protest what she’s said. 
> 
> Brooke doesn’t want to take the bait, but she can’t help it. “Where outside of Canada?” 
> 
> Outside of Canada would mean that Vanessa wouldn’t be nearby. But maybe Vanessa’s applied to schools near the border, ones that are driving distance and so they really wouldn’t be too long distance-
> 
> “California. LA.” Vanessa fiddles with her watch. “Got a cousin that lives there, finished school there. Big doc there. So I have an in.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so, so much for all the continued love on this fic. it makes me so happy and my heart so full. writ is a wonderful beta <33

(then)

“We’re thinking of staying late tomorrow after Respirology to practice for the bellringers. You in?” 

Brooke shrugs at Steve’s question. “Sure.” It’s not like there’s anywhere else that she has to be, anyway. 

“Sweet. We need your genius brain.”

“I’m not a genius-”

“Yeah Steve, she’s not a genius. She tried to push a ‘pull’ door like, half an hour ago.” Jon snorts. 

“Hey.” Brooke swats Jon’s side, sticking her tongue out at both Steve and John when they start snickering. “Sometimes doors are hard.”

It only makes sense that Brooke’s naturally gravitated towards the other gays in her class. It’s nice, not having to hide anything around them. Not that she really has much to hide in the first place. 

“Bring Vanessa this time. You never shut up about her, I wanna meet her.” 

Steve’s question makes Brooke bite her lip. She’s been telling the two of them that Vanessa’s been too busy to actually come to any of their sessions, to ever double date. Except the truth is that she hasn’t even asked Vanessa in the first place. 

Brooke doesn’t know what’s stopping her, really. It would be nice for her girlfriend to meet some of her med school friends. 

Except her and Vanessa have been...weird. Brooke doesn’t want to bring up med school things because she can see the light dim behind Vanessa’s eyes every time that she does, a reminder that Vanessa didn’t get in while she did. 

So maybe, it’s just better to ignore everything. Not talk about it. Walk on eggshells. 

How hard will it be to do until the end of med school, anyway? At least until Vanessa gets in somewhere next year.

God, Brooke hopes that Vanessa gets in somewhere next year. For her own sanity, more than anything else. 

“She’s real busy with fourth year. They’re having midterms right now.” Brooke’s not sure if Vanessa actually has midterms at the moment, but the timing lines up from when she herself was in undergrad. It’s not like she’s going to ask Vanessa, either. 

“Okay, after then. Are the two of you the type of nauseatingly gay couple that can’t keep their hands off each other?” Steve punctuates his question by wrapping an arm around Jon and pulling him close by his neck, making him scowl. 

“Get off me-“

“Never.” Steve leans over to ruffle Jon’s hair, making him immediately protest, muttering under his breath. 

Brooke has to hold back a laugh. Jon and Steve are the boy equivalent of watching two Detoxes interact with each other. She loves the sight. 

“Nah, we’re not like that. No overt sappiness.” It’s not a lie, not really. Her and Vanessa aren’t overly nauseating anymore. 

So what if they used to be the couple that would make all of their friends pretend to fake barf from how soft they were with each other? They’re not the Brooke and Vanessa that they used to be. Brooke’s not quite sure who she has to blame for that. 

Maybe herself, a little bit. For snapping at Vanessa the other day for being so _ bitchy _and short with her when she hadn’t even done anything, for treating her like shit. But then she had also brushed off Vanessa’s worries about one of her fourth year courses, forgetting to help her with the assignment she was stuck on because someone in her class had thrown a party to celebrate finishing their first set of assignments. So what if Vanessa had already been asleep by the time she had come back? 

Maybe they’re both to blame. 

But it’s fine, they’ll be fine. They’ve been fine for three years and counting, and they’ll continue to be so. 

Right?

“And here I thought lesbians moved in and got married after knowing each other for like, 48 hours. Breaking stereotypes and all that, huh?” Steve raises an eyebrow as he flips through the textbook in front of him, ignoring the way that Jon is poking his side for the fun of it. 

Brooke snorts. “To be fair, we did move in together after first year of undergrad, but that’s only because we were both moving out of dorms.”

Steve gives her a look. “And?”

“And maybe we wanted to live together. God.” Brooke rolls her eyes when Steve points a finger towards her. 

“Aha! Do you two have a hoard of cats, too?”

“Yeah, we have two-”

“So you two really are stereotypical lesbians. How wholesome.” Jon pretends to place a hand over his heart. 

“Insufferable, the both of you.” Brooke can’t help her grin, though. Her friends may be stupid, but she loves them. 

Brooke almost doesn’t want to go home when they finish off their study session in the library, the setting sun mirroring the feeling of dread that’s beginning to take over her chest. 

Riley lets out happy yips when she unlocks the door, nearly falling over from how hard his tail is wagging. She rubs his belly, giggling as he rolls over. 

“Hey.” Brooke calls out to their apartment. She’s not sure if Vanessa’s home or not. Truth be told, she hasn’t really looked at Vanessa’s schedule enough for this semester to know it well. 

“Hey.” Vanessa’s voice is distracted as she types away on her computer while sitting at the kitchen table. 

Brooke walks over to her, placing a kiss onto the top of her head out of habit and ignoring the way that Vanessa doesn’t turn around to face her and grin, the way that she always used to. It doesn’t matter, really. 

“How was class?” 

“Okay.” Brooke pulls out a plate from the cupboard, intent on pulling out leftovers. “Had a guest speaker. Some guy talking about patient safety.”

Brooke doesn’t elaborate much. It’s not like Vanessa’s going to care, anyway. 

“You?” Brooke keeps it light, as light as she can, as if it’ll keep the delicate glass that’s built up between them from shattering and slicing them both. 

“Still working on applications. Finished all my essays.” 

“I thought you’d finished them all last week.” Brooke tilts her head, and can feel her brows furrowing because she remembers Vanessa’s whoop of delight and the way she had closed Microsoft Word with a flourish. 

“I, uh. Applied to some more.” Vanessa doesn’t look up, keeps her eyes on her screen, though Brooke can see how she’s fidgeting. 

“But there’s only a few in Ontario-”

“Outside of Ontario. Outside of Canada, actually.” Vanessa looks up at Brooke then, her expression one almost of challenge, of asking Brooke to protest what she’s said. 

Brooke doesn’t want to take the bait, but she can’t help it. “Where outside of Canada?” 

Outside of Canada would mean that Vanessa wouldn’t be nearby. But maybe Vanessa’s applied to schools near the border, ones that are driving distance and so they really wouldn’t be too long distance-

“California. LA.” Vanessa fiddles with her watch. “Got a cousin that lives there, finished school there. Big doc there. So I have an in.” 

“Oh.” Brooke doesn’t know what else to say. California? Would Vanessa really go all the way to California?

“It’s just a backup.” Vanessa turns back towards her computer. “In case the schools here don’t work out. I’m not sitting out for another year again and falling even more behind.” 

“I guess that makes sense.” Brooke can’t even deny it, because it does. Hell, if she hadn’t gotten in on the first try, she’d be exhausting all of her own resources, too. 

But California. 

Not only on the opposite coast, but in an entirely different country. 

Vanessa wouldn’t go there unless she absolutely had to, would she? 

Though what would really change? Things have been so _ off _between them, Brooke doesn’t even feel like she can properly look Vanessa in the eye. Or hug her. Or kiss her or pull her close. 

Hell, the last time they had sex was _ weeks _ago and even that was after a particularly big argument. 

Steve and Jon had teased her about the hickeys on her neck for weeks. 

But Brooke doesn’t want that kind of sex, not right now. She wants things to just feel normal again. 

Except that she can’t help the way that she heads off to bed without even waiting for Vanessa, tucking in early because she has a class the next morning. 

Brooke doesn’t want to deal with all of the unsaid words that have built up between them. It’s gotten too fucking messy. 

Maybe things will just fix themselves up on their own if she waits long enough. 

* * *

Brooke’s tentatively excited when Vanessa suggests a movie night one breakfast over waffles. 

“Maybe we can both take a break from our work?”

“I’d like that.” Brooke can’t help the smile on her face that builds, no matter how hard she tries to temper it down.

Maybe just spending some time together will make things okay again.

Except then later in the day her Endocrinology professor holds extra office hours to prepare them for the midterm, for which the line ends up being _ incredibly _long, and then of course she strikes up a conversation while waiting with one of her classmates about the recent readings because the subject’s just so interesting, a conversation that continues once they leave the office. And then she’s forgotten about everything else, really, when Steve texts her and asks if she wants to join him and some of their classmates for a bite at the new burrito place, the one she’s been excited about trying. And by the time she gets home it’s nearly 10:00, and she’s forgotten all about the movie night that she and Vanessa had planned - a fact that hits her with horror as she opens the door to their apartment, the realization washing over her. 

“Shit.” Brooke whispers it under her breath because there’s a pile of blankets by the couch, an untouched bowl of popcorn and she’s stupid, real stupid, because how on earth did she forget?

Vanessa’s not on the couch, either. Nor is she in the kitchen, or in any of the open spaces of their apartment. The door to their bedroom is closed and the sight makes Brooke wince.

Brooke drops her jacket and backpack on the floor without a second thought, pushing their bedroom door open and Vanessa’s there, leaning against the headboard of the bed and her eyes are wide.

“Where have you been?” Vanessa’s voice quivers and Brooke can hear the _ hurt _in it and it makes her heart feel ever so slightly heavier, pulling her down.

“Sorry Ness, I-” Brooke pauses. “I got distracted. Things were happening with office hours and people in class and I lost track of time.” 

It feels flimsy, despite being the truth.

“I got class in the morning, so it’s too late to watch anything now. Not that you probably even want to.” Vanessa’s face is buried in her book again and suddenly they’re back to their avoidance of eye contact and it makes Brooke grit her teeth.

“I said sorry, okay?” It’s not Brooke’s fault that things got busy. That’s just how med school is, something that Vanessa wouldn’t know.

“Real fucking sincere.” Vanessa huffs. “Look, if you don’t wanna spend time together, at least have the decency to not stand me up. I cancelled plans for this.”

Brooke pauses at that. “What plans?”

“Why do you even care?” Vanessa spits out the words and Brooke can see the fire in her eyes and somehow it doesn’t have the effect of lighting her up, but rather, cools down her insides instead. “You clearly have more important shit to worry about.”

“Next time I’ll put a reminder in my phone, okay? I promise I won’t miss it.”

“Fuck that.” Vanessa’s arms are crossed, as if she’s steeling herself, protecting her heart from anything and everyone. From Brooke. “If something ain’t important enough for you to remember on your own? There won’t be a next time.”

Brooke rubs at her temples because she doesn’t want to do this, not now, and so what if she’d forgotten? “Listen, med school is fucking busy. All I do is study and work and revise and my brain can’t remember anything.”

Vanessa leans forward, putting her book down and it nearly makes Brooke take a step back. “All you do is-you think I don’t work my ass off, either?”

“I didn’t say that-”

“You have no idea, do you?” Vanessa’s eyes narrow. “Just ‘cause I’m still in fourth year doesn’t mean that I’m not doing shit. I’m taking five and a half credits and still volunteering, still working in the lab, and on top of that applying again for all these _ stupid _med school programs that probably won’t even accept me, anyway. So, yeah. Miss me with that bullshit. If I can at least still try to make an effort, so can you.” 

Brooke can feel tendrils wrapped in anxiety and stress worm their way around her heart, because this isn’t what tonight was supposed to be like at all. “I-” 

“Fuck it. I don’t care.” Vanessa puts her book on her bedside table, scoots down in their bed until she’s lying down and under the covers. “Go study with your friends, I don’t care.” 

The hollowness in Brooke’s chest as she tries to fall asleep that night is only amplified by the hurt that she had heard in Vanessa’s voice, the sound still lingering in her mind hours and hours later. 

* * *

(now)

Brooke misses Vanessa. 

It isn’t either of their faults, really. Both the neuro and cardiac surgical units are starting to pick up, the surgeons working overtime to balance all of the regular scheduled procedures with the influx of emergency ones. 

Brooke feels like she’s been run ragged, to say the least. She’s been on call for most of the hours that she hasn’t been working this week, catching hours of sleep wherever she can while still attempting to get all of her documentation done. 

Weeks like these make Brooke feel like a firefighter, one who tries to put out flames only for three more to rise in their place. Brooke normally thrives in such environments - having to think on her feet, having to triage her cases so that the most urgent ones are dealt with first, functioning and doing brain surgery on approximately two hours of sleep. 

No one’s ever said that the lifestyle of surgeon is easy. Though the paycheck does make it better. 

_ VM: got scheduled for 2 ablations, 2 valve replacements, and 1 ventricle repair. Never done so many procedures in one shift in my LIFE _

Brooke looks at the text and smiles, the way her face always has a tendency to do so whenever Vanessa’s name pops up. She’s glad, in a way; that it’s not just her. That Vanessa is equally busy over on her unit. 

Brooke’s found that it’s difficult for those who aren’t in the medical field to understand the crazy hours, the topsy turvy schedules, where it’s possible to have long stretches of free time followed immediately by a slammed schedule with procedure after procedure and multiple on call shifts in a row. It makes it hard to plan, sometimes, to commit. She’s used it as an excuse more than once when breaking off flings in the past. 

But it’s not like that with Vanessa. It’s doesn’t have to be, when Vanessa gets it, when Vanessa is going through the same thing as her. 

Plus, she doesn’t actually want to break things off with Vanessa. 

Not that they’re a thing. 

_ Are _they a thing? 

Brooke doesn’t know. 

All she knows is that she’s missing her throughout this busy period. 

_ BLH: So many in one day! You superstar. _

_ VM: fully taking a bow rn _

_ VM: how’s ur day been?? _

_ BLH: Equally slammed. I’m about to fall asleep at my desk lol. _

_ VM: nap on the clock, I support it _

_ VM: I miss you :(( _

The text makes Brooke suck in a breath. She hasn’t wanted to be the clingy one, the pushy one, the one to scare Vanessa away with how much she still cares. But the text feels like an anchor, one that helps to hold her heart in place and calm it down and keep it in reach of her favourite person. 

_ BLH: Fuck, Ness. I miss you too. _

_ VVM: gay _

_ BLH: I’ve literally had my face in between your legs more times than either of us can count. _

_ VVM: g a y _

_ VVM: but same. our schedules need to calm tf down so I can see ur cute face before I forget what u look like completely _

_ VVM: that’s a lie I could never forget u _

_ BLH: Gay. _

_ VVM: HEY _

Brooke lets out a little laugh, glad that she’s alone in her office. She needs to focus on her documentation, get all of her surgical reports dictated and out of the way but trying to focus feels absolutely impossible_ . _Especially when talking to Vanessa is so much more fun. 

It’s a couple more days before Brooke has the chance to see Vanessa in person again, before their schedules calm down enough to let either of them think about something other than work for a change. 

Brooke is the one who suggests it when Vanessa drops by her office at the end of their shifts, pressing a kiss on her lips. 

“You busy this evening?”

“No. Why?” Vanessa tilts her head with the most adorably curious expression, and it takes everything in Brooke to not pull her close and kiss her again. 

“We’ve been working hard-” 

“Working our _ asses _off-”

“-and we deserve a break, that’s all.” Brooke grins. 

“What are you suggesting?” Vanessa takes a step closer, wrapping her arms around Brooke’s waist, and Brooke can already feel the heat that’s emanating between them. 

“Come over?” 

“Ooh, Dr. Hytes, _ what _ a proposition-”

“Shush.” Brooke shoves her lightly, but can’t help but laugh when Vanessa lets out a cackle. “Not like that. Well, maybe like that, but also just to chill out, y’know? We both deserve it.”

“I’d be down for that.” Vanessa’s beginning to look excited by the idea. “We could order in and just watch some shit and veg out.” 

“Exactly. Especially because our surgery is tomorrow. We can rest up.” Their joint surgery has creeped up on the two of them faster than Brooke’s expected. She’s excited to get the chance to properly work with Vanessa, after such a long period of planning and preparation. To get the chance to see how they function together in an operating room setting. 

“Would this be considered a team bonding activity?” Vanessa asks the question as they tug on their coats, picking up their bags. 

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “We’re the only two members from our surgical team that are taking part.”

“Good. That’s how I like it.” Vanessa leans up to press a kiss to Brooke’s cheek. “Now come on, are you gonna take me home or not?” 

Brooke falls into step with Vanessa as they leave the neuro offices, walking towards the exit when Vanessa pauses. “Shit, my wallet’s still in my office. I’d taken it out to buy lunch. Mind if we loop back before leaving?” 

Brooke can’t help her curiosity as they walk through the section of cardiac offices. “I never really noticed that the cardiac offices have red accent walls.” 

Vanessa snorts. “Feels a little on the nose, huh? I guess they wanted to keep up with the heart and blood theme. Kinda nasty.” 

“Makes for a cool look, though. Better than our boring grey walls in neuro.” Brooke runs her hand along the wall as Vanessa unlocks her office, grabbing her wallet from the desk. 

“They should have given you pink accent walls for the colour of the brain.” Vanessa locks her office up again, and Brooke can’t help but interject. 

“Actually, the brain isn’t really pink, it looks like that with the blood but it’s actually an off white colour-”

Vanessa gives her a look. “Really?” 

Brooke smiles sheepishly. “You knew that, didn’t you?”

“We both went to medical school, you dolt.” Vanessa links her arm through Brooke’s as they head back down the hallway, before they’re interrupted by an excited noise in an adjoining office.

“Aha!” 

“What in the hell-”

Vanessa’s words are cut off when Asia slides over from her office to the hallway while still in her desk chair, pointing between the two of them. 

“Now what’s going on _ here? _” Asia’s smile on her face is absolutely delighted as she glances at their linked arms. 

“What, two people can’t walk arm in arm?” Vanessa wastes no time in responding, and Brooke’s glad for it, really, because she doesn’t exactly know what to say to Asia on the subject. 

“Not when the two of you have personally caused me inner ear damage from how much you used to yell at each other. So this is quite a change.” Asia leans back on her chair, crossing her legs.

Vanessa snorts. “You look absolutely ridiculous sitting on that chair in the hallway.”

“Don’t deflect. All I’m saying is that you two seem _ real _close.” 

“It’s nice, ain’t it?” Vanessa doesn’t give Asia a chance to respond, grabbing Brooke’s hand and tugging on it before breaking out into a run and yelling down the hallway. “We’re out, bye!”

They run towards the parking lot in a fit of giggles, neither of them able to contain their laughter. 

“Asia’s so gonna be on my ass about that tomorrow. Worth it.” Vanessa bends over to catch her breath, grinning up at Brooke. “So, your place?”

* * *

Brooke’s struck by the ease at which Vanessa snuggles into her side after she puts their empty takeout containers on the coffee table. As if it’s the most natural action in the world, as if they never went through years and years apart from one another. 

They still haven’t talked about it, about what they are, what they’re doing, but Brooke doesn’t want to be the one to ruin the spell that’s been cast between them. She likes spending time with Vanessa, and what if Vanessa has second thoughts if they talk about it and says that she doesn’t want to do..._ whatever _ it is that they’re doing anymore?

So, she’ll take Vanessa snuggling into her side, especially if she gets to wrap an arm around her, hear her let out a content little noise, one that Brooke’s sure she’d never tire of even if she heard it a hundred times. 

An episode of Schitt’s Creek is playing on the TV, one that Brooke’s seen before and she’s not paying attention, preferring to focus on Vanessa’s reactions and giggles as she watches for the first time. 

“I’m gonna start saying _ ‘ew, Asia’ _ to Asia the way Alexis always says _ ‘ew, David’. _Imagine her reaction.” Vanessa lets out a snicker. “She’d beat my ass for sure.”

Brooke snorts. “I swear, your cardiac team looks like it’s all mayhem, all the time. You included.” 

“Oh, completely. Though is the neuro team any better?” 

Brooke pauses. “Not in the least, actually. They’re all insane. Seems like chaos is a prerequisite to ever be able to make it to a hospital job.”

“You got that right. Speaking of,” Vanessa sits up a little so she can face Brooke, “how are you feeling about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” Brooke’s been trying not to think about it much, really. Surgeries don’t usually intimidate her. She can handle when complications arise, because she manages to keep complete control of the operating room and of the patient in front of her. Most of the time, anyway.

There’s something about doing a surgery with Vanessa, though, that’s making her more nervous. Biting her lip, fiddling with her hands all evening kind of nervous.

Brooke thinks that Vanessa might have noticed.

“Yeah. Tomorrow.” 

“It’s going to be fine.” Brooke shrugs. “It’s going to be fine, right?”

At least, that’s what Brooke’s trying to convince herself of. She’s had complex patients before, ones where she’s had to work with surgeons from other disciplines, but something about working with Vanessa, working as a team, makes her nervous.

What if she lets Vanessa down?

“I see your head already zooming at a million miles an hour. It’s going to be absolutely fine, and you know that. I know you do.” Vanessa’s looking at Brooke like she believes the words coming out of her mouth, and Brooke desperately wants to believe them too. “Remember when I shadowed one of your surgeries when I first moved back here?”

Brooke’s not sure where she’s going with it. “Yeah?”

“Didn’t want to tell you back then, ‘cause you were acting like one cocky son of a bitch, but you were good. Real good. As in textbook good, even better than good type of good. You had everyone on your team working under you like a machine, you handled shit happening in the surgery like a goddamn champ.” Vanessa grabs her hand, squeezes it, and the pressure is grounding, somehow. “You got this. Take it from someone who’s already seen you in action. And you know my ass can’t lie to save my life, so I ain’t making this shit up, either. I don’t want you to start spiralling about shit that may not even happen tomorrow.”

“How did you know I was-”

“I know you, babe.” Vanessa smiles softly. “I know when you start overthinking. Also ‘cause your grip around me suddenly got all rigid.”

Brooke snorts. “That’s more of an obvious cue, huh?”

“Maybe.” Vanessa smiles and leans over, pressing a kiss to her lips. “Now let’s just think about how great we’ll be tomorrow.” 

Brooke deepens the kiss because she can’t help herself and sure, they’ve both been tired and overworked but she hasn’t properly kissed Vanessa since that day in her office, and now that she has the chance, she’s going to take it. Brooke hadn’t been the one to initiate another, not wanting to overstep. But now that Vanessa’s here, in her arms, in her apartment? She’s going to take it.

Vanessa gasps into the kiss though follows suit, wrapping her arms around Brooke’s neck, and she feels like a ball of energy, a ball of light in Brooke’s arms. One that’s so responsive, one that wastes no time in straddling Brooke, trying to close the already miniscule distance that exists between them. 

It’s too much all at once but Brooke just wants more and more, more of Vanessa because there’s no way she can ever get enough. It doesn’t matter that they’ve been sleeping together the last few months because right now it feels different - every touch just a little bit more electric, every kiss making her heart beat just a little bit faster. 

It’s urgent, but not like their kisses in their offices, where they had been running out of time and were afraid of getting caught. No, this feels different. As if they have all the time they would ever need, and the urgency is to make sure that they make the most of every second, every moment, to make up for everything that they’ve missed. It’s a homecoming and a reckoning all at once. 

Brooke grips underneath Vanessa’s thighs, standing them up and letting Vanessa wrap her legs around her waist tightly before walking them over to her bedroom. If they’re going to do this, then they’re going to do this right, because it’s not the same anymore. They’re not the same. 

Brooke lays Vanessa down on the bed and the sight of her hair splayed around her head, eyes wide as her chest rises and falls with near gasps almost takes Brooke’s breath away. She leans down, presses kisses along Vanessa’s ribcage, feeling the way her breath hitches and it’s intoxicating, making her wish that she could just make Vanessa fall apart underneath her for a living. 

Brooke brings her kisses up past Vanessa’s cleavage, her neck, along the curve of her jaw but then Vanessa pushes on her shoulder, flipping them over and suddenly Brooke’s the one flat on her back. Vanessa’s waves fall in front of her face, tickling Brooke’s shoulders and cheeks, little dots of starlight that light her up like the night sky. Vanessa takes a second to tie her hair back with the elastic on her wrist, before grabbing Brooke’s face with both of her hands and kissing her again and again and again, and it makes Brooke understand what it means to have the all the stars in the universe finally within her grasp. 

Brooke almost wishes that she could pause this moment, right here. Commit it to a safe part of her brain to pull out when she’s feeling empty, alone, when there’s nothing left to push her to keep moving forward. Because this? Vanessa right here, right now, making her feel like she’s glowing from the inside out? Brooke feels like it could power her for days.

Vanessa presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth, pulling back to look at her and Brooke can see the softness, the adoration in her eyes, the slight shine that matches the way Brooke feels her own heart ready to burst. 

There’s a part of Brooke that still nags, still plants a seed of doubt within her, thorns that fester within her bloodstream that tell her that this isn’t forever, that Vanessa’s going to leave. That this doesn’t matter the way that Brooke so desperately wants it to. But then Vanessa’s hands are soft on Brooke’s skin, unbuttoning her pants and helping her slide them off along with her panties, before crawling in between her legs and kissing up her thighs, the gentlest of touches that make Brooke cant into her for more, more, more.

Brooke’s already a mess, already coming undone because there’s something about Vanessa that always keeps her on the cusp of tipping over. Of jumping off of the cliff that Vanessa’s already gone over, because Brooke would follow her down if it meant that she could stay with her, spend more time with her. Not worrying about having to leave.

Vanessa’s kisses turn harder, deeper, making Brooke squirm and she knows she’s going to have marks on her thighs, ones left by Vanessa that only she’ll be able to see, ones that remind her of this. That Vanessa’s been here. 

Brooke’s hands tighten their grip in Vanessa’s hair nonetheless, because the teasing is too much and she needs more, she needs her. Vanessa takes the hint because she’s in a giving mood, all pretenses of taking her time beginning to fade and Brooke’s nearly gone when Vanessa licks up her slit.

It amazes her still, how well Vanessa knows her body. Exactly how to get her to the edge because she still remembers, and it’s a strange sense of deja vu, though one that is heightened, everything just a little bit sharper than it used to be. Because Brooke feels everything so much more, and it scares her that she never, ever wants to lose it.

Vanessa tips Brooke over the edge when she sucks at her clit, curling her fingers upward deep inside her and it’s a marvel, really, that Brooke had ever thought that she could get over her. Could ever forget her. Vanessa presses a gentle kiss to the inside of Brooke’s thigh after she comes, pulling her fingers back, and Brooke can feel the way that the action holds so much more, tugs more on her heart than any other girl she’s been with, the way it makes it clear in her head. 

Vanessa’s it, for her. 

And the way that Vanessa’s looking at her, eyes full of adoration and an emotion that Brooke can’t quite decipher as she crawls back up the bed, makes Brooke think that maybe, just maybe, Vanessa gets it, too. 


	18. chapter eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a tiny voice in Vanessa’s brain that reminds her of how her and Brooke always used to be hung up on each other, even when they were busy. Constantly texting, sending each other funny pictures from things they encountered on campus. The way that Vanessa would always snap a photo of the weird foods the guy in front of her in organic chemistry would always bring to lecture, just to brighten Brooke’s day while she was stuck in her human biology lab. 
> 
> Hell, the last person she’s texted is her mom. Before that, Silky. Before that, A’keria. 
> 
> She hasn’t texted Brooke since three days ago when Brooke told her to clean out the fridge when she had time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The penultimate chapter - it's hard to believe that this fic will be over by next week. This fic has really pushed me with plot development and storytelling, and I'm so grateful for it. Enjoy this doozy of a chapter. Thank you all for the sweet sweet feedback and reviews, they truly motivate me so much and make me so happy.  
Writ is the best beta one could ask for <3

(then)

It’s just a Skype interview.

Vanessa can do it.

A Skype interview. She doesn’t have to fly to California or anything for it, either. She just has to wear a nice button down shirt and a blazer, do her makeup and sit in front of the webcam on her computer to try and impress an admissions committee approximately four thousand kilometers and three timezones away. 

She’s more confident this time around. The humming in her veins is less so that of nerves about embarrassing herself, and more so her brain running through possible questions that she’s already practiced, her potential answers already rolling off her tongue. 

Vanessa’s done this once already. She’s been through this process. 

This time, she’s going to do it right. 

She doesn’t have to worry about being interrupted, either. The kitties are asleep on the bed and Riley’s resting by her feet, and Brooke, well…

Vanessa doesn’t know where Brooke is. Probably class? Maybe the library?

There’s a tiny voice in Vanessa’s brain that reminds her of how her and Brooke always used to be hung up on each other, even when they were busy. Constantly texting, sending each other funny pictures from things they encountered on campus. The way that Vanessa would always snap a photo of the weird foods the guy in front of her in organic chemistry would always bring to lecture, just to brighten Brooke’s day while she was stuck in her human biology lab. 

Hell, the last person she’s texted is her mom. Before that, Silky. Before that, A’keria. 

She hasn’t texted Brooke since three days ago when Brooke told her to clean out the fridge when she had time. 

Vanessa doesn’t need Brooke for this interview. She doesn’t need any help in preparing, she’s done it herself. 

And she’s going to keep doing it, too. Because she’s strong enough, smart enough, if the last year has taught her anything.

If it doesn’t work?

Well, there’s always nursing school. 

* * *

_ “Thank you, Vanessa. It’s been wonderful talking with you and hearing your perspective, especially from the lens of being part of our neighbours to the north, with a differing healthcare system. You absolutely possess qualities that we value in prospective students.” _ The woman from the panel on Vanessa’s screen sounds _ happy_, actually happy, and Vanessa has to press her palms onto her knees to keep herself from pumping her first. 

She’s done well. First interview of many, and she’s done well.

It feels like retribution. Like she’s reclaiming what’s been taken from her, but doing it with her own spin. Making her mark. Staking her claim on what she’s been working so hard towards.

Vanessa’s going to get it. One way or another, she’s going to start med school in the fall. 

She looks underneath the couch cushions, trying to find her cellphone. She’s gotta call her mom, tell her that she did well, that things are finally, _ finally _coming together. If she’s done well with this Skype interview, who’s to say that she won’t with the interviews in person at all the Ontario universities? Vanessa feels like the Skype interview has given her a boost of confidence, pulling her off of the ground and towards the ceiling that’s been holding her back. And now, she’s going to break through it. 

Vanessa grumbles when Riley gets up from his spot on the floor, because of _ course _her phone had fallen on the ground earlier and he’d been sitting on it the entire time. Typical. 

Her phone is already up to her ear and ringing when the front door bursts open, and there Brooke is, waltzing in and dropping her bag in the entrance and opening the fridge while...some strangers wait in the doorway?

Vanessa hangs up as Brooke turns to her, biting into an apple. “Oh, hey. Came to drop stuff out before heading out again.”

Vanessa wrinkles her brow. “Where are you-”

“The second year med students are planning some prank on the third years, apparently. Supposed to happen soon. We’re gonna go watch.” Brooke throws out the apple core as she finishes it, turning back towards the people at the door still shouldering their own backpacks.

“You ain’t even gonna introduce everyone?” So what if it comes out saltier than Vanessa intends it to be? It’s been a semester and a half that Brooke’s been in med school and Vanessa feels like that part of her life is completely separate, untouchable to her. 

“Oh.” Brooke pauses. “Well. Steve, Jon, Aurora, Courtney. In that order. Everyone, this is Vanessa.” 

The guy farthest on the right (Jon? Steve? Vanessa’s missed it), his arm around the guy beside him, lets out a noise that makes the normally loud Vanessa want to plug her own ears. “You! You’re Brooke’s girlfriend!”

“The one and only.” Or so Vanessa hopes. Not that she wants to go down _ that _spiral.

“Honestly, we were beginning to think that you didn’t exist, from the way we’ve never seen you.”

“I may as well not.” Vanessa mutters it under her breath, so that they don’t hear. As much as she’d love to start shit right now and as much as she loves mess, she’s not gonna stoop low. 

“Well, come along with Brooke to our library study sessions sometime. We get stuff done. Occasionally, at least.” The girl with the bleach blonde hair turns towards her friends. “Remember that time that B ordered pizza to the library? And we snuck it in and-”

“We _ ate _it and hid it from the security guard under the table-”

“-that was hysterical.” They’re all cracking up, the lot of them, and Brooke is too, and Vanessa wants to disappear into the couch. More inside jokes that she’s not a part of. Probably will never be a part of, at least not in the same way that a group of friends sharing a med school class are a part of. 

It’s fine. 

“Yeah, sure, maybe.” The words leave Vanessa’s lips halfhearted, because really, does she want to go and hear about people that she doesn’t know and classes that she’s not part of, and generally feel like she’s still on the outside looking in?

Not really. 

“Brooke?”

“Yeah?” Brooke looks surprised, almost, that Vanessa’s calling out to her. It could be due to the fact that they haven’t been speaking much over the last few weeks, or maybe not. 

Who’s to know for sure, really?

But Vanessa’s interview went well, real well. And she kinda wants to share it with someone. Someone there in person, not just on the phone. “Can we talk for a sec?” 

Brooke bites her lip, looking between her friends and her phone. “Um, can it wait? Just got the text from a girl in our class that everyone’s meeting outside Convocation Hall to watch. We gotta go.” 

Sure, Vanessa expects it, because the two of them aren’t each other’s highest priority anymore. But it still fucking stings. She patches up the hole in her chest, the one looking for Brooke’s pride, Brooke’s approval, the one that preens under Brooke’s appreciative glance because she’s not going to get it anytime soon. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

She could fight right now, yell at Brooke for being flippant. But does it matter? When Brooke probably won’t even give a shit?

It’s not like she really does these days, anyway. 

The door closes behind them and Vanessa pats the couch, letting Riley jump onto it and curl up beside her. She buries her face into his fur as the sounds of talking get softer and softer down the hallway. 

Vanessa doesn’t feel like calling her mom anymore, either. 

* * *

Brooke comes back when Vanessa’s already climbed into bed, reviewing her notes for her upcoming microbiology exam. Vanessa doesn’t want to look up, she really doesn’t, when Brooke climbs in beside her. 

They don’t automatically snuggle into each other the way they used to. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between their sides of the bed, and Vanessa’s not sure which one of them keeps on adding the bricks on to it.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Vanessa flips to another page of her review, trying her hardest to focus on the virus that she’s supposed to be studying, but can’t help pulling her eyes up. 

“The second years set a bunch of chickens loose on the lawn in front of Convocation Hall as they left their lecture. It was hilarious.” Brooke lets out a small laugh, evidently remembering the sight in front of her. Not that Vanessa cares.

“Fun.”

“Yeah.” There’s an awkward pause, one that makes Vanessa want to fidget before Brooke speaks again. “You wanted to tell me something earlier?”

Oh. That.

“It doesn’t matter.” Vanessa mumbles the words as she turns another page over, because it really fucking doesn’t. Brooke didn’t care enough a couple hours ago. She doesn’t care now.

Vanessa doesn’t need any reactions or cheering from her.

“What? Just tell me.” Brooke shifts on her side, raising an eyebrow. “What was it?”

“I ain’t gotta tell you anything,” Vanessa snaps, suddenly annoyed. The interview feels like it happened ages ago by now, anyway. She’s already told her mom and Silky and A’keria and celebrated how well it went by ordering in Postmates and why should she have to retell it, when Brooke didn’t even want to hear about it in the first place?

“Fine,” Brooke huffs, crossing her arms. “Don’t say I didn’t ask, later.” 

“Fuck off.” Vanessa doesn’t want to deal with this, doesn’t want to end up in the shitty mood that Brooke always manages to put her in. She’s tired of it. “Not like you actually care.”

Though apparently, Brooke isn’t. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Excuse me?” Vanessa feels her voice raising as she finally puts her review down on the bedside table because is now the time that Brooke is going to come for her? Really?

“I don’t _ actually care _? You’re the one who never talks to me anymore, you never want to come to things with me or meet my friends and, you know what? I’m tired of trying with you.” Brooke looks cold, real cold, in a way that Vanessa’s never really seen directed towards her. The kind of closed off expression that she only gets when she talks about her parents, or when she’s ranting about one of her professors. The kind of Brooke that Vanessa’s not quite so used to, not when the Brooke that she normally gets is soft and open and not so closed off. 

Vanessa’s about to run her mouth, though Brooke isn’t done, cutting her off before she’s able to say anything. “All you’re doing is pushing me away. Like the past three years have been bullshit and don’t matter anymore.”

“You’re the one who’s left me behind!” Vanessa runs a hand through her hair, because how doesn’t Brooke get it? Brooke’s moved on, moved onto other things and left Vanessa floundering in the dust and they’re supposed to be a _ team. _

That’s what they’re supposed to be.

“No I didn’t, and you know that. I’m still trying, I’m the only one that’s still fucking trying between the two of us because you can never bother to even give me the time of day anymore.” Brooke’s jaw is set and she swallows hard, as if she’s trying to push everything back down and it’s not fair. Because Brooke is acting like this is solely her fault, when it isn’t.

“You’re never here anymore, how do you expect me to even do that? You’re always in class or hanging with your own friends or doing _ some _med school event or the other. Not like I can even come to those.” Vanessa crosses her arms. She’s not going to follow Brooke to the ends of the earth to try. Not when Brooke wouldn’t even do the same for her.

“It always comes back to med school, huh?” Brooke lets out a bitter laugh. “Always the thing that makes you snap.” 

“Don’t-”

“You still blame me because you didn’t get in, don’t you? Or at least, you take it out on me. Because I’m here and the admissions committees don’t exactly respond well to any sort of threats.” Brooke hasn’t raised her voice, not really, but the words still set Vanessa on fire, make her angry because Brooke’s so damn _ calm _while she says them. 

“You think real highly of yourself.” Vanessa doesn’t care about being quiet anymore, unlike Brooke. Not when she’s being like this. “You ain’t that important, bitch.” 

“Believe whatever you want.” The ice is back, the tendrils beginning to creep along Vanessa’s skin from her words. “We both know it’s true. That’s when things started to get like this, when you stopped trying to actually talk to me about things. When you didn’t get in and I did.”

“Fuck off.”

“Maybe try a little harder for this next year and you don’t have to be so bitter anymore.” Brooke has a smirk on her face, the bitch. As if it’s all a joke to her.

“You really think I didn’t try hard? Like I didn’t put in as much effort as you, didn’t deserve it like you did? Like I wasn’t supporting you that whole fucking time?” Vanessa’s mad, real mad, because how dare Brooke even _ say _ that she didn’t fucking try hard, when Brooke was the one who was there, and _ saw _her. “Maybe the reason I didn’t get in was because I had to spend so much time trying to make you feel better. Holding your hand constantly when you got anxious and stressed and had to put my books down to make sure you didn’t fucking blow a gasket on me.”

It’s a low blow and Vanessa knows it, by the way Brooke’s eyes darken because this isn’t something that they make light of, or joke about. Either of their mental health. But part of it is true. Sure, it comes with being in a relationship, supporting your partner. But maybe, just maybe, it’s taken away success from Vanessa too. Or at least, that’s what she’s going to tell Brooke, to drive that knife in just a little bit deeper. 

There was a time when the last thing that Vanessa wanted to do was to hurt Brooke.

That was a long time ago.

“I didn’t realize I was such a huge burden to you.” Brooke narrows her eyes, and Vanessa can see the way that she’s covering up her heart, reinforcing it with every brick that she puts in front of it for protective armour. “You know what, though? I’m doing just fine. Just fine without you, don’t you think? Meanwhile, you look like you’re falling apart.”

Vanessa wants to scream and tell Brooke that she’s _ not, _that she’s just fine, but the words don’t come. Because Brooke’s right. 

And Vanessa hates it because it means that Brooke really has moved on. 

“What, you don’t have anything to say, now that you don’t have anyone to blame anymore? Now that you actually have to take responsibility for something, for once in your life with no one to pick up the pieces for you?” 

Vanessa doesn’t.

“Fine.” Vanessa’s off the bed, grabbing her coat that’s hanging on the back of their bedroom door, because she’s done. “You win.”

“Can you just fucking listen to yourself for once? It’s not about winning!” Brooke’s following her and she doesn’t care, she’s not going to stop even with how frustrated Brooke sounds. Because she’s wrong. 

Brooke’s won, left her in pieces the way that she’s so good at doing again and again. 

Vanessa doesn’t need Brooke to build herself back up. 

* * *

(now)

The light of dawn makes Brooke glow in shades of gold. 

It’s 5:45 a.m., and Vanessa’s unable to sleep anymore because of the rays of sun that are beaming directly into her eyes from Brooke’s bedroom window. 

Their surgery starts at 8 a.m. sharp. They’ve done the practice run, have had consult meeting after consult meeting. Vanessa would probably be able to do the procedure with her eyes closed. Even if the surgery is approximately four and a half hours long.

Vanessa’s done longer. They both have. She’s not worried. 

For now, her thoughts are solely drawn to the woman lying beside her. 

There’s something about Brooke in sleep that continues to be absolutely mesmerizing to Vanessa. The way her lips are slightly parted, the way the worry lines etched into her face smooth themselves out while she’s dreaming. The slight twitch of her fingers and the soft breaths that she lets out as the sheets brush her skin. 

She’s beautiful.

Vanessa gets up as slowly as she can to not wake Brooke up, and pulls on one of Brooke’s sweaters before she heads to the kitchen. She can’t help the little curses she lets out as she tries to get Brooke’s Keurig to work, different from her own at home. 

“Stupid, damn machine-”

Though she doesn’t have to grumble to herself for long, two steaming drinks in her hands before the clock strikes 6:00. 

When she heads back to the bedroom Brooke is awake, a hand running through her hair and her eyes wide as she sits up. Vanessa can see the palpable relief in Brooke’s eyes when she spots her in the doorway, along with the way that Brooke’s grip on the sheets begins to lessen, her body releasing the tension that had began to build up. 

“You okay?” Vanessa hands Brooke a mug before sitting down beside her on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, I-” Brooke draws in a breath, looking down at the sheets. “Thought you’d left.”

The words lie heavy in Vanessa’s heart, because she knows she’s the one that’s made Brooke so afraid of it.

“I ain’t gonna leave, B,” Vanessa starts, voice soft, “Unless you want me to.”

Brooke looks up at her and Vanessa can see a vulnerability in her eyes. Neither of them are talking about this morning anymore. Vanessa knows it, she knows that Brooke knows it. 

Vanessa’s not going to leave.

“You know it’s different now, right?” Vanessa puts her hand on top of Brooke’s on the mattress, feels Brooke’s hand turn over to grab hers. “It’s not like it used to be. We’re not like that anymore. We’re different.”

“We are, aren’t we?” Brooke’s just as soft, her voice on par with the way the sun is beginning to rise even more, lighting up the room. 

“We’re not gonna end up like that again. I won’t let it.” Vanessa _ won’t. _She can’t, because she’s already lost Brooke before, slowly and then all at once. Ripping off the band-aid at a torturous pace. 

“How, though? How do we know we won’t end up like that again?” Brooke’s voice is almost pleading and Vanessa gets it, she does, because the tug in her heart is asking the same question. Waiting, just waiting, to catastrophize and concoct scenarios of how they could go all wrong. 

“‘Cause we’re not gonna let that resentment build between us. We’re killing it in our own fields, _ both _the heads of our departments. We’re not competing against each other anymore. We’re cheering each other on.” It does make a difference, it really does, when Vanessa thinks about it. Not having to vy for the same opportunities, same goals. 

Brooke’s success isn’t a detriment to Vanessa’s own, and vice versa. She knows that now. 

“Plus, I’m not a bitch ass, immature, twenty year old anymore.” Vanessa is sheepish as she says it, watching Brooke giggle. “You succeed now? I’m gonna have my phone out to record everything with a proud fucking grin on my face.”

“Same.” Brooke tilts her head and the sunlight glints off of her hair and Vanessa’s never seen a more beautiful girl in her life. “I want those memories with you. I want them to happen.” 

“Look at you getting all soft on me, B.” Vanessa leans forward to kiss her, cutting off the half hearted protest on Brooke’s lips (‘_ I’m not that soft’) _. 

But it’s true, Brooke is. So soft and open in a way that Vanessa loves, in a way that she feels so lucky that she gets to experience, since Brooke likes to keep that part of herself hidden away, not showing it to just anyone. Vanessa had been lucky enough to have that version of Brooke in university in the early years. And now here Brooke is, trusting her and letting her see the most beautiful parts of herself again. 

Not the fact that Brooke’s a great surgeon, even though she is. Not the fact that she’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant, a fact that everyone already knows. 

But rather, the fact that Brooke’s grip on her hand always tightens when she’s happy, and also all the little kisses that she presses to the crook of Vanessa’s neck whenever they snuggle as they’re about to fall asleep. The way that Brooke seems to remember little flippant things that Vanessa says, ever so thoughtful, like when she brought coffee before their consult meeting with the entire team yesterday and Vanessa’s had a dash of vanilla, just the way she likes it. 

The softer parts of Brooke that contrast from the tight ship she runs as a surgeon, the rigidity that she imposes. The parts that make Vanessa realize that she really still loves her, so so much. 

Brooke’s alarm clock blares as the numbers shift over to 6:30, making them both jump. Brooke turns it off, and Vanessa can’t help the way she leans against her side, revelling in how Brooke wraps her arms around her and rests her chin on top of her head. 

“We have to get ready.” Brooke mutters the words into her hair before pressing a kiss there, and it makes Vanessa want to squeeze her eyes shut tight.

“No, we don’t.”

“We have a surgery scheduled at 8:00 a.m. sharp.”

“Who said that?” 

Brooke snorts. “Come on, baby. Let’s go.”

The term of endearment makes Vanessa’s heart flutter more than she wants to admit, as if she’s eighteen again and crushing on the girl that sits beside her in anatomy class with two french braids in her hair. 

Except, now? She knows, really knows, how much this girl actually means to her. And how hard she’s going to work not to lose her again. 

* * *

“Tie up the back of my gown for me?” 

Vanessa dries her hands and turns to see Brooke standing with her back towards her, scrub cap already on along with her face mask, surgical gown on top of her scrubs but untied. 

“Sure.” Vanessa double knots the ties on the gown the way she always does with her own, always remembering the one unfortunate instance when she hadn’t tied her gown properly and it promptly came off on top of a patient’s open chest. Not one of her finest moments. 

“All done. Anyone tell you how fucking adorable you look with a scrub cap covered in cats?”

Brooke’s mask is covering half of her face, but Vanessa can still see the way she blushes, the top of her cheeks glowing pink. “Shut up.”

“I’m serious! It’s cute.” Vanessa protests, pointing to her own covered in puppies. “Besides. We kinda match.”

“That’s true.” Brooke grins behind her surgical mask, and Vanessa can tell by the way that her eyes scrunch. 

The charge nurse for their surgery yells out a timecheck, and it makes Vanessa remember that they’re really about to do this together. After so much planning, so many late nights. So many fights in the early stages, which seem almost comical now, looking back at them. 

She and Brooke are both too damn stubborn sometimes, though it’s something that Vanessa hopes never ever changes. 

“You ready?” She reaches out, squeezes Brooke’s hand before letting go. They’re still at work, after all, but she knows how Brooke can get, how an extra check in never hurts.

“Yeah. Now c’mon.” Brooke tilts her head towards the operate suite, at the way their team is finishing their set up for the surgery. “It’s a beautiful day to save lives.”

Vanessa gapes. “You did _ not _just quote Grey’s Anatomy at me-”

Brooke cackles as she follows her into the suite. “I’m quite the McDreamy, aren’t I?”

“You wish.”

* * *

Vanessa massages her own shoulder as they stand in the line for Tim Hortons, neither of them particularly keen that morning on packing lunches for after their joint surgery. 

“I’m fucking sore from being hunched over.”

Brooke looks over at her with an adorably furrowed brow. “You’re a surgeon. You do this for a living.”

“And _ you’re _supposed to say you’ll give me a massage.” Vanessa pouts, though it morphs into a grin when Brooke wraps an arm around her shoulders. 

“If you’re patient and can wait until the end of the day. Can you do that?”

“It’ll be real difficult.” Vanessa lets out a fake sigh as they head to their table, where some of the neuro and cardiac surgeons have already began to eat. “I dunno if I’ll have it in me.”

“If you’re good, you can have _ something _in you-”

_ “Bitch-” _

They’re both giggling as they sit down at the table, and Vanessa can already see the incredibly curious faces of their coworkers. 

“You two aren’t fighting?” Kameron points between them, squinting her eyes as if she’s attempting to solve a complex math problem. 

Brooke shoots Vanessa a look, almost asking permission. Vanessa nods, because what the hell. It’ll be funny to see everyone’s reactions. 

“Considering she woke up in my bed today, no.” Brooke takes a sip of her coffee as their table erupts into chaos. 

“Goddamn! And y’all say that I’m the loud one.” Vanessa yelps when Yvie grabs her hand to high five it, ducks out of Kameron’s bear hug directed towards her. “Absolute animals.” 

“So. Tell us.” Plastique looks delighted as she takes a bite of her sandwich. “Was the sex good? After that much fighting, it must be good.”

“A lady never kisses and tells.” Brooke smiles faux demurely before stealing a Timbit from Vanessa’s lunch.

“_ Hey-” _

“Sorry, baby.” Brooke doesn’t look the least bit sorry as she pops the Timbit into her mouth. “I’ll make it up to you later.” 

She’s so cute that Vanessa can’t even be mad about it. 

Yvie wrinkles her nose. “You two are already gross. Unbelievable.”

Brooke grins. “Says the girl who wouldn’t shut up about her date with her girlfriend during the temporal lobe tumour removal last week.”

Yvie sticks her tongue out at both of them. “Hateful.” 

“Truthful.”

Vanessa’s about to chime in, when she’s interrupted by the slam of Asia’s tray on the table, Asia herself looking out of breath and quite smug. 

“You all won’t _ believe _the tea I have on these two from yesterday.” Asia looks positively delighted as she points between Vanessa and Brooke. 

Vanessa can’t help herself. “We already told everyone else. It ain’t breaking news no more, Anderson Cooper.” 

“Damn. And here I was actually excited about something for once.” Asia scowls, before pausing. “Wait, how do you know who Anderson Cooper is?”

Vanessa scoffs. “I watch shit sometimes. Nah, I’m playing. It was on the TV in the cardiac outpatient waiting room the other day. I prefer _ 90 Day Fiancé, _myself.”

Kameron snorts. “A woman of culture.” 

“That I am, bitch.” 

Brooke nudges Vanessa’s side. “Gotta go. Consultation with a patient in ten.” 

Vanessa gives Brooke her best fake pout. She knows that they’re at work, surrounded by coworkers and patients and families, but sometimes it feels like time spent with Brooke passes by too fast, like it’s in fast forward. 

“Don‘t give me that face.”

“Hmph.”

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “Don't you have a meeting in ten, too?” 

Vanessa shrugs. “Maybe so.” 

“You’re something else.” Brooke reaches over to ruffle Vanessa’s hair and Vanessa yelps, because her curls don’t stay this nice with anyone messing them up.

“I’ll see you soon?” Brooke’s eyes are expectant as she stands up, gathering her things from the table. 

“That you will.” 

It’s true, in more ways than one. Vanessa doesn’t want to let Brooke go anytime soon. 


	19. chapter nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the fight, Vanessa had avoided Brooke when she came back to the apartment, barely sparing her a glance and Brooke’s anxiety had begun to grow and grow, eating away at her insides, because sure, they’d fought before, but never this bad. Never with cuts so deep, cuts that they both knew would sting. 
> 
> Cuts that still do, if Brooke thinks about them.
> 
> But they need to fix this, and Brooke is willing to take the first step, put herself out there, because, well-
> 
> She misses Vanessa. She’s missed her for more than a year, since things turned completely upside down between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at the end. It's been a journey and a half that started all the way back in August, and it's hard to believe that this is the last chapter. Thank you so, so much for reading this fic, leaving comments, and overall giving it as much love as you have. It wouldn't exist the way it is without all the wonderful love and support. As always, Writ is the most wonderful beta and friend ever and I appreciate them endlessly <3

(then)

Brooke’s second semester midterms are starting in four days and she’s ready to fall asleep on top of her textbooks to make the information sink in faster. 

It’s not that med school exams are harder, per se. It’s that the amount of information they’re expected to know, expected to apply in practical situations feels insurmountable, like they’re supposed to be walking, talking encyclopedias. Brooke feels like her head is going to burst. 

She walks back to her apartment from her Genetics class in the evening, her mind already ruminating on topics to focus on, reviews to put together. Maybe she can form a study group, divide and conquer with some of her friends in class so that they can get through the information faster, but she pauses once she turns on the light in the doorway, her stomach feeling slightly unsettled because-

There’s something wrong with the apartment. 

Brooke’s mind registers the thought a second after her eyes scan over the entrance and kitchen, because it looks...off. 

The counter is missing a fruit stand. The coffee maker. 

She hadn’t tripped over a mountain of shoes in front of the doorway when she’d walked in, because there aren’t very many shoes in the entrance anymore, which is strange, because normally both her and Vanessa curse every time they walk in and fall over their own footwear in the process.

The apartment is suspiciously quiet, too, which doesn’t make sense and fills Brooke with unease, because Riley normally runs up to the door whenever anyone gets home and Vanessa’s study playlist is always on as background noise. Almost like a quiet hum, reminding her that she’s back home. 

Except that tonight, all she hears is the slight _ drip drip drip _from their leaky kitchen sink, along with the low hum of their fridge. Sounds that normally aren’t heard in their apartment because it’s too noisy, but tonight they feel deafeningly loud, too loud, and she needs the study playlist back. 

Brooke drops her bag on the kitchen counter, fiddles with the knobs of the sink because the sound is _ loud _and she can’t listen to it anymore. Not that it helps as it drips and drips, each drop matching the way Brooke feels the suppression of her panic slow begin to slip away. She squints her eyes at the fridge because it seems like it’s missing pictures, like the Polaroids from the time they went to a carnival, the family pictures that the two of them had taken with Henry, Apollo, and Riley. There’s normally tupperwares that usually sit on their kitchen table because their cupboards are just too tiny to fit them, but they’re not there anymore, and Brooke’s sure that she didn’t take any for lunch, so where have they gone? 

Henry jumps up onto the counter beside her, nudges her elbow, and the sight of him slows the speed of her thinking down just a little. He’s still here, and Apollo is on the couch, as they both should be. Like normal. 

But where’s Riley?

Brooke pushes open the door of the bedroom as softly as she can, because maybe Vanessa’s just taking a nap and Brooke really does need to apologize, she does, because their fight a few nights ago is still making the pit in her stomach feel like a black hole. One that’s growing with the vibes of their apartment, of things being just a bit off, just a bit out of place. 

The day after the fight, Vanessa had avoided Brooke when she came back to the apartment, barely sparing her a glance and Brooke’s anxiety had begun to grow and grow, eating away at her insides, because sure, they’d fought before, but never this bad. Never with cuts so deep, cuts that they both knew would sting. 

Cuts that still do, if Brooke thinks about them.

But they need to fix this, and Brooke is willing to take the first step, put herself out there, because, well-

She misses Vanessa. She’s missed her for more than a year, since things turned completely upside down between them.

But maybe they can, because maybe Vanessa’s just sleeping. Brooke turns on a bedside lamp looking towards the bed and she freezes. 

Vanessa’s not there, either. 

The bed is empty. As is the closet, the doors strewn open and half of the clothes are missing, including the sweater that’s always thrown over the desk chair. The desk itself is missing the mountains and mountains of textbooks that it normally has, half of it bare and clear of dust while the other half still holds Brooke’s books. The room looks _ wrong_, so wrong because it’s missing half of what it normally has and why does Brooke feel like she’s in a twilight zone?

Riley’s bed is gone from the corner of their room, and so is his leash on the back of the entrance door when Brooke runs over to check, just in case she’s imagining things. But she’s not, because when she looks around in the entrance closet she doesn’t spot Vanessa’s favourite bomber jacket, either. Nor does she see the piles and piles of DVD cases that are normally lined up on the shelf beside the television, because the shelf is empty, as is the coffee table of the gossip magazines that Vanessa likes to read and make fun of. 

It’s as if all traces of Vanessa have been pulled from the apartment, save for the picture of the two of them from freshman year that’s hanging high up on the wall in the living room and oh _ god, _she’s gone, Vanessa’s gone because all of her stuff is gone.

Brooke nearly trips on her way to the bathroom, because maybe she’s seeing things, maybe Vanessa really is here and has been in the shower this whole time and this is all one big dream but-

The shower is empty, as is the shampoo bottle holder that hangs from the faucet because only Brooke’s shampoo and conditioner are there.

The apartment feels too disorienting, too big, and too _ off_, everything is off and doesn’t feel right, because where did Vanessa go? Maybe she’s just gone to Silky’s, maybe she’s in a mood and she’ll come back later like she always does and they can try and fix things once and for all-

She’ll call Silky. That’s what Brooke will do. Silky knows things, Silky is Vanessa’s best friend and if anyone knows anything about what’s going on, it’ll be Silky. 

Silky picks up on the fourth ring and Brooke breathes a sigh of relief.

“Silky, hey, do you know where Vanessa is? I haven’t seen her in a while, is she at your place?” Brooke plops herself down on the couch, and everything will be okay, really, because Silky will know and will help her sort it out.

Except that all Brooke hears on the other side of the line is a small gasp.

“You good?” Brooke tilts her head, pressing the phone in between her shoulder and cheek.

“You don’t know?” Silky’s voice is hushed, quiet, and makes Brooke wrinkle her brow.

“Know what?”

“Shit.” Silky’s muttering under her breath and Brooke is confused, because it doesn’t make sense, none of this makes sense.

Brooke runs a hand through her hair, and she can feel her heart racing again, because something’s up, something’s up, except she doesn’t know what. “Tell me. What’s going on?”

“Brooke, I dunno if it’s my place, if I’m the one who-”

“Silky.” Maybe Brooke’s voice is shaking, because something is wrong, really wrong, and Silky _ knows. _“Tell me.”

“Vanessa didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” Brooke’s gasping in air, because it feels like it’s all gone from her lungs. Vanessa feels far away, too far, and it’s not new, not really, because they aren’t each other’s go to people anymore, but that doesn’t ease any of the dread settling over Brooke’s heart. 

“She transferred.”

The two words wash over Brooke and she’s frozen on the couch, barely registering when Apollo climbs on top of her lap. “But...but...the semester’s not over and she’s in fourth year, what do you mean she’s transferred?” 

Silky has to be wrong, she has to, because there’s no way Vanessa would just pack up and _ leave. _Except that the apartment’s empty, all the words coming out of her mouth feel empty, everything feels empty. 

“She left for LA this morning.”

“_What?” _

“Has a cousin there, transferred credits to UCLA. She’s applied to med school there, too, for next year.” Silky pauses on the other end of the line, the crackles over the phone matching the static that feels like it’s taking over Brooke’s brain. “What, you didn’t know she’d applied?”

“No, I knew that, she’d said that, I knew she was thinking about med school there.” Brooke rubs her face with one hand because she remembers Vanessa saying something like that, but she hadn’t thought that she was serious about it. Because LA is far, and Vanessa’s close to her mom and her family, and moving to LA would mean that the two of them would be far apart from each other, too.

Not that it would even matter, anymore.

The words start to feel more and more real the more that Brooke thinks about them, paired with the dread that is building and building, because, what if Silky is right?

Med school is starting to make sense. Brooke can understand that.

But transferring in the middle of the semester? Vanessa wouldn’t-

“She spent all of Wednesday calling schools at my place and looking up transfer options and keeping credits.” Silky’s words feel far away, too far away. “She was serious about it.”

Brooke squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe, just maybe, her unconscious is making this up. Maybe she’s asleep, and Vanessa’s still beside her, and they’ll work everything out, and it’ll be fine, really, because Vanessa wouldn’t just _ go. _

But she’s still there, on the couch, when she opens her eyes, Henry still perched on the arm of the couch beside her. 

The apartment a little too empty. 

“She really left?” Saying the words leave a bitter taste in Brooke’s mouth no matter how soft she says them, because it makes them real, makes them sink in despite the fact that Brooke desperately does not want them to.

“Shit, Brooke.” Silky’s voice is full of regret and Brooke’s stomach turns over and over and over. “I thought you knew. You shouldn’t have had to find this out from me.”

“No, I-” Brooke trails off, swallowing a lump in her throat, closing her eyes again because she doesn’t want to look at their open bedroom door, missing too many things. “Thank you for telling me.”

It’s good Silky did, really. Because what if she didn’t? What if Brooke kept waiting around and around, expecting Vanessa to come back? 

Except she won’t. She’s gone. She’s taken everything with her and fucked off to LA and _ transferred schools _and-

She didn’t even say goodbye.

Or tell Brooke anything.

Or even give her a heads up.

She’s just left, Vanessa’s _ just left _and she’s probably a thousand miles away and not in their apartment anymore and shit, Brooke knows that their fight had been bad, but now?

There’s no way to fix it, either.

Brooke hangs up the phone with empty words that she barely registers, but hopefully ones that placate Silky because she feels like she’s out of it, floating up in a dream, or rather a nightmare. One where everything is wrong, messed up, one where Vanessa’s actually gone, for good.

* * *

_ “The number you have dialed is out of service. Please check the number and try your call again.” _

Fuck.

Brooke’s sitting on her kitchen floor, leaning against the dishwasher, the cool tiles underneath her doing nothing to ground her, bring her back down, break her free from what’s happening.

She dials Vanessa’s number again, just in case.

Maybe she’d made a mistake when dialing the first three times. Typed in a wrong number somewhere.

_ “The number you have-” _

Brooke throws her phone against the wall before the message can complete itself. 

* * *

Brooke doesn’t know what makes her take the bus all the way to Brampton and knock on the door of a house in the suburbs until Vanessa’s mom opens the door, pulling her inside because she’s shivering from the rain. 

“Brooke, what are you-”

Vanessa’s mother’s words trail off as her eyes widen in realization, and she’s pulling Brooke into a hug, wrapping her arms around her and muttering words underneath her breath in Spanish that Brooke doesn’t understand. Brooke’s breath hitches in her throat, because she’s realizing how long it’s been since someone’s held her close. Because her own mom hasn’t done so in god knows how long, and fuck, of course she’s beginning to tear up in front of Vanessa’s _ mom. _

“Oh, mija.” Vanessa’s mom reaches up a thumb to wipe the tear mark down her cheek and Brooke hates it, she does, because she’s being weak and why has she even come over here?

She can’t help the way she peeks over Vanessa’s mom’s shoulder, looking for a familiar head of curls. As if maybe, just maybe, Vanessa’s just at her childhood home. 

“She’s not here. Left two days ago.” Vanessa’s mom is looking at her with...not pity, but concern in her eyes that Brooke wants to block out from having to see. 

Brooke opens then closes her mouth, because what can she say, really? Vanessa’s gone, she’s really gone and from the look on Vanessa’s mom’s face, she hadn’t been aware of the fact that Brooke didn’t know.

“She’d told me you two had a fight, thought that’s why she booked a plane ticket so fast. Even though it’s peak holiday season and they’re expensive as hell right now.” Vanessa’s mom is pacing the kitchen, and Brooke wants to disappear. “She didn’t tell you, did she?”

Brooke shrugs, looks down, because if she opens her mouth, she’s gonna lose it in front of her girlfriend’s mom.

Well.

Not girlfriend, anymore.

Considering that Brooke can’t even reach other over the phone, much less in person.

The realization makes her swallow hard.

“Ridiculous.” Vanessa’s mom mutters under her breath, picks up her phone, curses when the phone _ beeps _and she gets an answering machine. She rattles off a message in Spanish, one that Brooke doesn’t understand but sounds angry, though she’s not sure she wants to know what she’s said. 

Vanessa’s mom puts her phone down and part of Brooke wants to ask for Vanessa’s new number that her mom clearly has. 

But part of Brooke knows that it won’t make a difference.

Vanessa’s not going to pick up, anyway. 

* * *

Brooke moves into a basement apartment exactly thirty days after Vanessa leaves. 

Brooke feels like she’s been seeing ghosts of Vanessa everywhere - on campus, at the store, on the bus. A loud laugh, a head of dark curls, signs that make her whip her head around and look and inevitably become disappointed when she realizes that the people she sees aren’t Vanessa. She doesn’t want to be faced with reminders of her, doesn’t want to get her hopes up when she knows, she knows, that Vanessa isn’t here anymore. That Brooke had been the one to make her leave. 

Brooke probably deserves the hollowness in her chest from it, the one that reminds her that everyone important to her will leave. That if she opens her heart for the taking, it won’t stay safe. That others can come in and snatch pieces of it away from her and then fuck off to another country forever with no other cares in the world. 

The apartment is cold and wet and cramped with the cats but it doesn’t remind her of Vanessa, doesn’t bring back memory after memory of Vanessa’s laugh, Vanessa in her arms, Vanessa falling asleep against her shoulder. The twin size bed is big enough to hold just her, not having space for another body where Vanessa would fit (_used _to fit). It’s closer to campus, not that it matters, because she doesn’t really go to class anymore.

What’s the point?

Brooke’s in bed, Henry and Apollo curled up beside her, staring at the cracks on the ceiling that _ definitely _have spiders walking along them, when there’s a knock on the door. 

She barely has the chance to mutter _ fuck off _when the lock fiddles, the door opening, and suddenly Brooke’s regretting ever giving Steve and Jon a key to her place.

“C’mon. It’s been more than a month.” The two of them are standing at the foot of Brooke’s bed and she wants to pull her pillow on top of her face. “No more.”

“Go away.” Brooke mumbles the words, eyes closed, hoping in vain that they’ll work and make her friends go away, but no such luck when Steve pulls her blanket back, making her shiver at the sudden cold air.

“You can’t let yourself fall down a hole, B.” Steve’s voice is quiet. “We want to keep you from it.”

“Who even cares?” Who does? Vanessa doesn’t care about her, her family doesn’t talk to her much anymore, she’s got her cats and her friends at school but they don’t get it, they don’t, they don’t understand why she can’t get up.

Brooke just can’t do it.

“Do it for us. Your worried gay dads.” Jon pokes her side and it makes her grumble.

“First of all, I’m older than both of you by a few months, so jot that down.” Brooke shoots the two of them a dirty look, but neither seem to care, grabbing her hands and pulling her up into a sitting position. “Second, don’t you have midterms to study for?” 

“You’re still on top of the study schedule. Proud of you.” Steve’s eyes are kind, searching her face, but they make Brooke scowl.

“Can’t help it.” 

“Yes, we gotta study, and so do you.” Steve pulls out his phone. “But _ before _that, I want to show you Melissa.” 

Brooke doesn’t want to take the bait, she really doesn’t, because she knows Steve and Jon are trying to distract her, but who gives a fuck about another girl?

Someone who’s not Vanessa? 

But still, Brooke can’t help it. 

“Who’s Melissa?” 

“Ah, glad you asked.” Jon sits up straight on the bed, pointing to Steve’s phone. “Only your dream lady.”

Brooke scrolls through the photos. She’s hot, Brooke will give her that. A redhead and tall and covered in freckles and Brooke can see a faint outline of abs in the picture. 

Very much unlike Vanessa.

“Go out with her and we won’t bother you for a whole week.” 

“Just a week?” Brooke snorts, because she knows that they won’t stick to it. But part of her doesn’t mind, not really.

It’s not like she’s doing anything else.

“So you’ll do it?” Steve turns his phone off, looking hopeful. It makes her laugh, how much him and Jon are trying to help her move on. As if it’ll ever work.

But then again, she hasn’t gotten laid in awhile.

“Sure, why not. Give me her number.”

It’s not like Brooke’s ever going to find Vanessa’s, anyway. Vanessa’s made sure of that fact.

It’s fine, it really is. 

Even though it’s not, and never will be. 

* * *

(now + 1 year)

“Are you sure you’ll be okay, Dr. Hytes? Eleven hours straight is no joke.” Scarlet yawns as she asks the question, the surgical team around them shedding themselves of their scrub caps and gowns after a long, long procedure. 

Brooke waves her away as she fights off a yawn of her own. Unlike the nursing staff who had gotten to switch out, she’d been in the surgery the entire time, from early in the morning when the sky was still dark outside to now, when the sun’s already beginning to set. Brooke’s used to such marathon days, the long hours of surgery for complicated cases being the ones she thrives in the most, pushing her brain and her focus to their limits. 

That being said, she can’t wait to go home and catch up on the sleep that her brain is so desperately craving. 

“I’ll be fine. I take Ubers on the long surgery days, so no risk of getting drowsy at the wheel right now.” Brooke shrugs. “Learned that the hard way.”

She’ll document for the surgery tomorrow. Right now, there’s only one place she wants to be, with one specific person. 

Brooke waves goodbye to Scarlet and the rest of the surgery team as they scatter towards the offices, grabbing their belongings to head home. She almost falls asleep in the back of the Uber, blinking away drowsiness when the car pulls up to her place.

It’s only eight, but Brooke is exhausted. She hasn’t eaten save for a quick protein bar during the procedure, hasn’t had a second to breathe or lose her focus since before the surgery started. Brooke feels like she had to pour a little bit of herself into the patient to make sure that they survived, and survive they did. 

And so Brooke will keep doing it, again and again for every complex patient she has. 

On nights like these, Brooke used to order takeout, turn on Netflix on for background noise, and pass out on her couch before even finishing her food. When she pushes open the front door now, though, she’s met with the smell of dinner in the oven and candles lit at the kitchen table, along with a smiling Vanessa peeking from over the counter. 

“You’re done!” Vanessa’s grin makes Brooke smile too, her face unable to avoid doing so because god, she loves her girl. 

“Home at last.” Brooke drops her bag in the entrance, shedding her coat and shuffling over towards Vanessa as she holds back a yawn. 

Vanessa drops her wooden spoon back into the pot on the stove, wasting no time in wrapping her arms around Brooke. Brooke hugs her tight, resting her chin on top of Vanessa’s head. 

Vanessa pulls back slightly, still in the hug, looking at her. “How’d it go?” 

“Good. Got all of the tumour without disrupting any major nerves. Took forever, though.” Brooke thinks back to the surgery, the painstaking work that nearly made her go crosseyed. She doesn’t want to look at a brain for a while, something that's impossible, really, being a neurosurgeon. 

“There’s a reason they came to you. No one else would do it that well.” Vanessa’s beaming, proud, and no matter how many times Brooke sees that expression on her face, it always makes her blush a little. 

“Pfft. Not even. I’m just glad it went okay.”

“The family will be so happy. You did a great thing for them and the patient both. Now, c’mon.” Vanessa tugs on her hand, bringing her towards the kitchen table and pushing down on her shoulders until she sits down. “Making you that stir fry with noodles you said was your new favourite last time we had it.” 

Brooke feels her heart melting. “Anyone tell you you’re the best?” 

Vanessa presses a kiss to her lips before returning to stir the pot still on the stove. “You, all the time.” 

They bring their dinner to the table rather than the couch, and Brooke can’t help how fast she gulps it down. 

“Slow down.” Vanessa snorts, waving her fork in Brooke’s direction. 

“Can’t help it,” Brooke’s voice is muffled by the noodles in her mouth, “haven’t eaten in hours.”

“Goof.”

“You’re a goof.”

Vanessa sticks her tongue out her and it makes her laugh, nearly choke on her noodles. She nudges Vanessa’s foot under the table. “How was your day?”

“Had some consults. No procedures.” Vanessa shrugs before pausing, looking up at Brooke. “But the head of thoracics and cardiovascular surgery at the Cleveland Clinic called me today.” 

Brooke pauses, noodles still in her mouth. “Yeah?”

Vanessa nods. “Yeah, she read the case study I wrote on the complicated LVAD patient from last year.”

“Woah. V, that’s huge.” Brooke whistles as she takes another bite. Brooke knows that the Cleveland Clinic is one of the biggest cardiology centres in the world, renowned for their research and clinical components both. 

Vanessa being recognized by them, contacted by them? Brooke wouldn’t expect anything less. 

“They want me to work with them.” 

“That’s amazing!” Brooke’s about to get out of her seat, run around to the other side of the table to hug Vanessa before she pauses. “Wait, the Cleveland Clinic is based in Ohio. Are you gonna move there? I mean, you gotta, they have so many resources, They’re world renowned-”

“I’m-”

“Forget Toronto General at this point, Nina will get over it-”

“Br-”

“This would be such a huge career move, not to mention all the access you’d have to-”

“Brooke!” 

Brooke pauses, her mind still running through all the possibilities Vanessa has in front of her. The Cleveland Clinic. Brooke knows that Vanessa is good - she’s glad that other people are starting to realize it, too. 

Especially those at the forefront of cardiac research. 

“What?” 

“I’m not moving.” 

Brooke frowns at the way Vanessa says it with an air of formality, as if it isn’t up for discussion. 

“Why not? This could be so good for you!”

Vanessa shrugs. “Don’t have to.”

“What do you mean, you don’t have to?” Brooke can feel her stomach begin to turn over. “Wait. You’re not only going to stay here because of me, are you?” 

Once it crosses her mind, the thought is impossible to ignore. Vanessa leaving is what had made them break up back in university. Pushed them out of each other’s lives for eleven years with bitterness and hurt building up and up and up, before it all exploded. 

Is Vanessa afraid of it happening to them again?

Brooke reaches a hand across the table. “I’m not going to be the one to hold you back here. That’s not what a partner does in a relationship.”

It’s true. They’ve been dating for over a year and a half now, they have keys to each other’s places. Nina calls them the ‘Surgery Power Couple’. 

They’re stable. They’re happy. 

They’re stronger. 

Brooke knows Vanessa’s love for her. She sees it in the way that Vanessa massages her shoulders after a long day, the way that Vanessa lights up whenever Brooke drops by her office. The way Vanessa holds her extra tight, sometimes, when they’re staying over at each other’s places and they’re falling asleep. 

She doesn’t need reassurance of it anymore, the way that she used to. Because they’re strong, they’re secure. 

And Brooke doesn’t want to be the one to hold Vanessa back. 

“No, I-”

“Wait, let me finish.” Brooke bites her lip. “Don’t not go just because of me. That’s ridiculous.”

“Let _ me _ finish, you dork.” Vanessa snorts and Brooke is confused, because she has to let Vanessa _ know. _That she doesn’t want to hold her back. “The grant is for Toronto General. To do the study at the hospital here, where we already work. I ain’t gotta move to the middle of bumfuck nowhere.” 

“Cleveland, actually-” Brooke pauses. “Wait, you won’t have to move?”

Vanessa rolls her eyes. “That’s what my ass was tryna _ tell _you before you started rambling and working yourself all up.”

“Oh.” Brooke squeaks out the words but she can’t help the way her heart feels like it’s being lifted up, up, up, because Vanessa gets to work with the Cleveland Clinic but she gets to do it _ here. _

“I get to start a new study here at the hospital and work with some of the researchers there and get the funding from them, too.” Vanessa’s grinning, squeezing her hand. “We’ll see how it pans out but it’s gonna be a five, ten year project at least.” 

Brooke’s mouth drops open. “Woah.” 

“I ain’t going anywhere for a long, long time. Get to keep pulling your pigtails. Still gotta finalize all the details and get the process formally started, but it’s gonna happen real soon.” 

Brooke doesn’t even know what to say because Vanessa’s here, she’s going to stay, she _ wants _to stay. 

Vanessa pushes her bowl away when she’s done. “Besides, you really think I’d ever say yes if I had to move to Ohio? What do they even have in Ohio? Corn?” 

Brooke holds back a laugh. “Isn’t that Iowa?”

“They fucking sound the same to me.” Vanessa shrugs, standing up and coming around the other side of the table to hug Brooke from behind, press a kiss to her cheek. “Besides, Ohio doesn’t have you.” 

Brooke leans back against Vanessa, putting her hands on top of hers and she can’t get over how _ right _everything feels. This was where they thought they’d be, back when they were in school. When they were studying like mad and applying and hoping for the best, when all they wanted to do was work in a hospital and have operating rooms as their domains and here they are. They’ve made it. 

While finding their way back to each other, where they’ve always meant to be. 

Brooke looks up. “If you ever got something and it meant you had to move though, you shouldn’t hold back-”

“I know.” Vanessa hugs her even tighter. “If either of us got an opportunity like that? We’ll talk about it. Work through it together, figure out what we wanna do. ‘Cause we’re a team, baby.” 

Brooke smiles. “Yeah, we are.” 

* * *

They climb into bed early that night, Vanessa practically dragging Brooke under the covers after she nearly falls asleep while brushing her teeth. 

Vanessa’s pyjamas are in Brooke’s drawers, her skincare products on the counter, some of her work clothes in the closet. Her presence permeates Brooke’s apartment, making it feel so much more cozy, so much more welcoming. So much more like home. Brooke doesn’t want it any other way. 

Vanessa’s absentmindedly tracing patterns on Brooke’s shoulder as she feels herself drifting off into sleep. She has the day off tomorrow, as she always does after long surgeries, but she’s ready to pass out. That is, at least, until Vanessa whispers softly. 

“My lease renewal is coming up.”

“Hmm?” Brooke opens one eye blearily, looks over at Vanessa with her curls splayed all over her pillow, her face all soft and makeup-free. 

“For my place. I need to figure out if I want to keep it another year or not.”

“Oh.” Brooke’s eyes pop open at that, because, well, she’s been thinking about it too. Not about Vanessa’s apartment, but, rather, the need for having two apartments in the first place. 

Vanessa is always over at Brooke’s, or she’s at Vanessa’s, having left enough clothing, toiletries, and makeup at each other’s places that neither of them have to ever carry an overnight bag. Both places feel like home and so Brooke has been thinking about it, she has, because really a year and a half of dating - not to mention years of living together when they were in university - has made the idea of moving in with each other cross her mind. 

“It just feels like a useless expense every month-”

“Move in with me.” The words are breathless from Brooke’s lips before Vanessa even finishes her thought, and Brooke claps a hand over her own mouth when she realizes what she’s said.

Vanessa’s eyebrows raise in surprise, her lips parting slightly, but Brooke can see the way her eyes are sparkling, the way her face has lit up. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. We practically live at each other’s places anyway. Why not just do it all the time?” It’ll save them a lot on gas, at least, from all the travelling back and forth between each other’s apartments.

Vanessa pokes her shoulder. “Why don’t you move in with _ me?” _

Brooke snorts. “Because yesterday you said you were fighting a war against the pests in your building, and that you think your bathroom is haunted.” 

“Oh.” Vanessa pauses. “You’re right. But I ain’t lying, there’s _ something _funky about the bathroom. It has weird noises.” 

“And your first thought was ‘ghost’?”

Vanessa shrugs. “Maybe so.” 

Brooke moves the hair off of Vanessa’s shoulder that’s beginning to hang in front of her face. “We don’t have to decide just now, whose place we move into. Or if we want to look for a completely different apartment.” 

“But we’ll move in together?” Vanessa’s voice is soft, shy, and it reminds Brooke of the early stages of their relationship in university, when they were first getting to know each other and pushing down more and more boundaries. 

“If you want to.” Brooke’s words are equally soft as she reaches out to grab Vanessa’s hand, and the way that Vanessa’s face breaks into a smile makes her realize she hasn’t been this happy in a long time. 

They’re both where they’re meant to be. 

Back in medical school, when Brooke had been pushing through semester after semester and had constantly felt like she was on the verge of drowning, she used to wonder if there would ever be a payoff. If all the struggle, all the hardship would eventually be worth it. 

But now? Working in the career field she’s always wanted, finding her way back to her first (and only) love, the very one drifting off to sleep beside her with an arm thrown over her waist?

It had been worth every second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a holiday collab in the works, a small multichap, and a couple of potential ideas for AUs that may happen. Stay tuned.

**Author's Note:**

> find me at @plastiquetiaras on tumblr!


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